[Akame] My mistakes were made for you
Title: My mistakes were made for you
Pairing: Akame
Rating: NC-17
Genre: angst and dark stuff~
Warnings: guro [blood and gore]
Disclaimer: I own nothing and nobody D8
Kazuya loves the pain that sinks to the pit of his stomach, has more gravity than his entire body and drags him down until he fears his knee’s will buckle under it’s strength. The only thing that can make his body take on the feeling of lead- that has ever made it do so, is the slightest alteration in Jin’s expression.
There’s his sad face, the over exaggerated pout he wears for the camera’s; his troubled expression, brow furrowed, pitifully wide eyes that take on the look naturally but expertly, knowing the sternest of audiences can’t resist it. And then there’s this.
Why did you leave again? he asks with no more than a glance up from his phone, or where he has been wringing his hands anxiously in his lap.
Why do you keep leaving me, Kazuya?
And the younger boy can feel Jin’s emotions surging through him, a high that no other experience he has found can create. He apologizes, excuses, kisses it better and swears to never leave again, but as the feeling ebbs away Kazuya knows that he has to be selfish.
Kazuya has worked his way through Jin, never satisfied but untiring of each experience; that Jin has proven his love with whatever Kazuya has needed- friendship, affection, kisses and thoughtfully chosen words. They have had sex and they have made love, cried for each other, bled for each other.
Emotions that Jin is unaware of experiencing are what Kazuya is measuring their relationship by, and he knows if Jin knew he would have driven himself insane by now.
“I’m so sorry,” he mumbles, boots neatly set next to each other, a pause, then Jin’s shoes are tidied into line too. “I thought I’d only be gone a day.”
Jin is tapping furiously at his DS, fingers too large, touch too heavy. “It’s fine. Our jobs make our schedules unpredictable~”
Kazuya hates himself for dropping down next to his lover, intentionally curling against his rib cage, toes curling into the fabric of Jin’s loose jeans at the knee, making himself seem more fragile than he really was. He rides the high of pure desperation in Jin’s kiss long into the night.
---
“You haven’t been home for two weeks?” Pi asks with a lazy frown that he can’t quite hold. “Where are you staying?”
Kazuya shrugs, considers for a moment, and decides that Tomohisa doesn’t need the details of his uncomfortable nights on the couch in his brothers apartment.
Shrugging again, Kazuya reminds himself why he is doing this. He shudders slightly as the familiar sinking feeling seeps into his veins. Jin wanting, needing him to come back, to complete him again.
Tomohisa is softly spoken as he tells Kazuya that he should be careful how far he pushes Jin, that the elder boy is fragile.
Like hell he is Kazuya thinks, smiling sweetly and nodding to his friend.
Three days later he is still waking up on the couch, limbs cramped, heart beating to an entirely different rhythm as he imagines the looks, the sounds Jin will make when he eventually returns to him.
Nearly a month has passed when Kazuya finally appears back in their shared apartment. He is slightly put out to find Jin asleep- admittedly he is curled, limbs awkwardly forced into place, in the armchair facing the door, but the wave of emotion Kazuya had been preparing for was absent.
“Jin.. Jin, I’m home..” Kazuya murmurs, crouching in front of the chair, stroking his fingertips over Jin’s wrist. When the elder boy’s eyes drowsily open, Kazuya knows Jin is beyond exhaustion; his eyes roll up into his head, staring into his own mind before they come to focus on his lover.
“Fuck..” he groans, melting into the feel of the smaller body pressing to his. Give yourself to me.. Kazuya is thinking without intention, too lethargic in the heat of the apartment and Jin’s arms to wonder what kind of person he must be to torture the man he loves this way.
They don’t really fit together in the armchair, and in muted giggles and curses they eventually find themselves on the floor. Jin’s weight pushes down onto Kazuya, slurred apologies trailing from his lips and disappearing into the night, the younger boy’s only concern the energy he can feel draining from Jin’s soul. He devours it, kissing a gaping mouth that can’t respond, pushing and pulling, stroking and clawing at the body above him until it’s entirely his.
When sun streams through the unclosed curtains, Jin wakes first with blind pain shooting through his head, splitting him in two. From his nights of missed sleep he decides, pulling Kazuya to his chest with dazed thoughts of drawing the boy in his arms into himself, of them becoming one disgusting mesh of skin and souls. Jin is asleep again before the thought can develop into anything more alarming, his spirit seeping into the hand fisted against his heart.
-----
“He really didn’t say a thing to you about it?” Kazuya was hearing for the fifth time that day- six if you counted the half sentence Ryo had managed before Kamenashi lost his professional edge and tore his phone apart, scattering it’s contents at his own bare feet.
There was no way he could explain just why he had had no contact with his lover for the entire build up to this day.
For my education, to grow, to experience new things, to make up for missing out, to fulfil a lifelong dream; Jin had more excuses that Kazuya did when he would skulk through the front door after a five day absence.
Why have you left me Kazuya selfishly thought.
He hated his reflection. He hated seeing himself on screens, on paper, on buildings. He hated seeing Jin’s soul staring back at him through his own eyes, the way he could hold his head in his hands and feel his lovers spirit spilling between his fingers, pooling around him. Kazuya had taken what he wanted, but as he always did when he had fully captured yet another part of the physical form his obsession resided in, he saw right through it to what he wanted next. Since he had loved Jin he had always planned to consume him from the inside out; from the outside in, from his head to his heart, from his sight to his voice. Kazuya was a collector. As long as Jin was entirely his, he didn’t care how.
Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God.
Press conferences, news reports, blurred photo’s.. Kazuya could see his mistakes in all of them. His lover had become the shell Kazuya worked so hard to hollow out. Kazuya had his soul, but it just wasn’t enough.
Jin blames his constant nausea on malnutrition, home sickness, perhaps even the guilt of leaving Kazuya without a word, just as Kazuya left him so many times before. He hallucinates in the surgery’s waiting room that he is empty, that his surroundings spiral into his lungs with each breath.
Over and over again Jin cries himself to sleep, missing his home and it’s petty comforts, missing his friends, the man he loves, and missing what used to be the gaping hole he can feel being filled by the atmosphere. Kazuya can feel it too, and when he is alone his fingers tear at the soul, desperate to rid it from his body.
When they meet, it’s sooner than they had expected. The snow has stopped, but a chill has set in; Jin tugs his scarf up to cover his nose.
“The others are going to tear you apart,” Kazuya tells him softly, still breathless from running and running, cold air filling his chest until it hurts. Like you do Jin thinks as he nods mutely.
He knows how angry his band mates are; he’s been planning out his excuses and apologies for weeks. The elder boy can’t help wondering why Kazuya isn’t every bit as furious as everybody else, but the sense that his lover is what he needs to feel human again prevents Jin from asking.
Cautiously meeting Jin’s eyes, Kazuya mourns the lack of his soul, mourns his inability to even know that it had gone.
“After today is over.. this meeting we’re having.. can I meet you?”
“Meet me?” Jin echoes as though it’s a thought that has never occurred to him, and Kame wills himself not to look as awkward as he feels. “I thought.. maybe.. our hotel isn’t that far from yours, I’m sure the others wouldn’t notice if I spent the night away from them..”
Jin is frowning but not thinking. Absently wrapping strands of long black hair around his knuckles, eventually Jin shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” he pauses to study Kazuya’s expression before adding “But I have missed you”
------
Kazuya has tried, over their six months apart, to blame Jin for being too giving- for loving him enough to so easily let him destroy him. No longer content with owning his lovers soul, Kazuya, for the first time, is scared. Scared what will happen if Jin continues this way, scared that their souls will clash, that his body will reject the wrong one.
“I need to see you. I have to see you. Come and meet me. I’ll come and meet you”
Jin sighs, limbs stiff, eyes sore. It’s almost midnight, and he has a press conference in the morning. Kazuya will see him in a few hours, but despite the fatigue of travelling, Jin can’t help lingering near the phone. Desperation is very much not a part of Kazuya.
“Please please please. Fuck, Jin, please I have to see you”
“This had better be good”
Kazuya stares up at Jin with watery eyes, shaking his head. He pushes past Jin. Jin nudges the door closed with his foot, slowly following the sound echoing through his still apartment to the kitchen.
“Why the hell don’t you have knives and forks?” Kazuya asks through gritted teeth, re opening all the same drawers he has already looked in.
“Why the hell are you looking for them?” Jin counters, resting a large hand on Kazuya’s arm, stilling him. “Why the hell are you in my apartment at 1am when you know how tired I am?”
This is for your own good Kazuya thinks helplessly, knowing that if Jin was still whole he would be a lot more sympathetic.
Fighting Jin out of his shirt is not an easy task; they both end up on the floor, Jin glaring furiously as the younger boys weight rests on his legs. “For fucks sake--” Jin tries to push Kazuya, tries to hold the fabric to his skin. “If you just wanted to screw me couldn’t you have at least waited until tomorrow?”
Kazuya says nothing, but his wild eyes give Jin enough warning to stop fighting back. He bites down on his lip, glancing at Kazuya’s trembling hands as they work on his own shirt.
“..why were you looking for a fork?” Jin asks quietly, almost amused with the situation. Almost.
“I wasn’t. I was looking for a knife.” he replies without hesitation.
Jin’s eyes widen but don’t fill with fear, as they narrow but there is no emotion in his appalled expression when Kazuya’s shirt slips from his shoulders, the welts in his skin like nothing Jin has ever seen. He has tried to gouge the soul out, stabbed and clawed and reached inside. More than once he has tried to scare it out, burned and choked and drowned.
“Can’t leave you alone for five minutes, can I~” Jin says humourlessly, reaching up with a morbid fascination to touch the scars. Kazuya shudders when blunt fingernails scrape over bumps. He cries out softly as a long finger slips into a particularly deep wound, twisting experimentally. Jin wrinkles his nose at the blood pooling around his finger, dripping onto his jeans as he slides it out.
“Why have you done this?”
“Because I’m a bad person” Kazuya whimpers, appreciating that Jin doesn’t flinch when their chests meet. He knows the marks can’t feel good against Jin’s skin, just as the blood stained finger doesn’t feel good trailing his spine.
Slipping a small hand between them, Jin continues to lay undisturbed as Kazuya digs his fingers into the already bleeding wound. His knuckles press into Jin’s chest as each digit forces deeper and deeper, his breath nothing but shallow pants against Jin’s neck.
“I’m sorry.. so sorry, so sorry, so sorry..” Kazuya groans appreciatively as Jin holds him with a firm grip either side of his ribs, propping him up so he can use both hands. “I t.. took something of yours..”
Blood trails down Kazuya’s stomach, spatters messily onto Jin’s chest and the floor as he starts to claw, gripping the tears in his skin and pulling pulling pulling.
Jin closes his eyes, focusing on the warmth slowly spreading over him rather than how his lovers body trembles in his arms. “If you’ve tried to get it out before, why is this time any different?”
"Because you need it.." Kazuya's voice seeps past his lips , and Jin can't be sure if perhaps it's blood rather than saliva pooling in his mouth. "Take it.. Jin please, please.."
Uncertain but uncaring, Jin took a deep breath, then another, steeling himself to the idea of putting his hand into the stringy clotted mess above him. So there was something ugly about Kazuya.
Cocking his head, Jin decides that the gaping wound in his lovers chest looks a little like a pomegranate. Not that he likes pomegranates all that much.
“What am I looking for~?” he asks vaguely with an experimental poke at god knows what that is peeking out from between the younger boys lungs. Kazuya’s body trembles, more blood, more stringy mess. “You’ll know when you find it..”
Fingers coated in blood, Jin adjusted a lot faster than Kazuya did to their situation.
“Please,” Kazuya hissed, not wishing to rush Jin but not entirely certain how long he could bear this, “Stop playing and look.”
“Does it hurt..” Jin murmured, wondering if he could ever tire of watching the younger boys heart pounding faster each time he trailed the side of it with a finger tip.
Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, Kazuya focused on the lights that danced across his eyelids. He thought about how he was going to fix himself, how long it would take to sew himself back together, what an ugly scar it would leave.. anything to take his mind away from wondering if Jin’s soul was even still in there. Perhaps his own had suffocated it. Perhaps Jin really was too weak to him. Perhaps Jin would be a shell forever and he would have ruined both of their lives~
A dry sob escaped Kazuya’s lips, and he wondered, as a weight fell from him, landing with a stomach churning slap to Jin’s bare skin, if his heart had fallen out- if anything had fallen out; Jin had not been gentle with his search, widening the hole enough to make Kazuya worry that something vital could have eased it’s way out of his filthy body.
-
Jin, being Jin, had tried to make it better. Kazuya had woken in a pool of blood, crimson stained pillows under his head. Had it not hurt so fucking much he would have found Jin’s attempts at fixing the unfixable cute; glancing down at his torn body to find a balled up T-shirt and what looked suspiciously like one of his own socks filling the hole. Neither were soaked through, so he assumed these weren’t the first things Jin had used to stem the blood flow. Jin.
Turning his head, Kazuya found the elder boy sitting behind him, tears streaming from the eyes that stared up into his own mind, just like they used to.
“..are you ok..?” Kazuya mumbled hoarsely, wondering if that blood stained hand had found it’s way up to his vocal cords while he’d been unconscious.
“Don’t move--” Jin’s eyes rolled down into focus immediately as he wailed, burying a hand in Kazuya’s hair to still his head. “Don’t move.. it only just stopped bleeding~”
I’ve broken you, haven’t I..
Jin had a small scar, still weeping slightly from where he had made a half hearted attempt at neatly sewing it up. Kazuya knew what it was. He also knew that if Jin had reclaimed his soul, he should have been hysterical at finding his lover torn open. Being calm enough to stitch it back in himself wasn’t a good sign.
Roughly wiping his eyes, Jin was still babbling half formed sentences and words Kazuya was fairly sure weren’t entirely real as he cautiously removed the T-shirt. He wrinkled his nose at the clots of blood, padding out of the room and returning moments later with a floral dish cloth.
“You are not putting that inside me” Kazuya croaked in what he hoped was a threatening tone, “I’m only letting you get away with the shirt because it’s not like I could have stopped you..”
Ignoring him entirely, Jin continued to ramble on about painkillers and keeping still and how he knew he should have stolen a bandage from the last venues first aid kit rather than just taking the luminous orange band aid. Kazuya winced at the feel of rough fabric making contact with his insides, but he knew Jin was just trying his best.
“Now don’t ever do that again, ok?” Jin was telling him sternly after another two hours of having any and all absorbent materials in his home worked awkwardly into the younger boys rib cage. “You scared the life out of me.. and you’ve made a mess, and now how tired are we both going to be for the press con~? It’s in three hours, jerk.”
“I’m sorry..” Finally, with permission from Jin, Kazuya cautiously sat up. He had to lean back against the couch, but it was a relief on his cramped limbs to just move again~ “It was for your own good though..”
“I know~ and you‘re such a fucker I don‘t even know why I‘m with you, if you‘re going to do things like that” Jin said absently as he bundled up the many bloodied items of clothing scattered across the room. Kazuya smiled weakly. Same old Jin. “Because you love me, and because I promised to never do it again?”
Although he hadn’t entirely explained the extent he had gone to in pushing Jin too far, Kazuya was fairly sure Jin was sensible enough to piece together his odd behaviour and realise what he had been doing for the past few years.. Jin was forgiving to a fault, however, and he ‘kind of liked waiting up every night anyway’.
“Don’t ever leave me again.”
Eyes fixed on the blood soaked carpet, Kazuya nodded. The fluttering in his chest was absent, but that feeling was still there. Being wanted, being needed.. after everything, it still felt so good.
“I mean it, Kame,” Jin said through pouting lips. He was taking it all in good humour, but Kazuya suspected some of that may be jetlag. “I don’t know what I’d do if you left me like you used to..”
“I wont.. don’t you trust me?”
“After all this?” Jin smiled, holding the bundle of clothing to his chest so he could lean in close. “No. I love you with all my heart Kazuya, but I don’t trust you. It’s ok though”
‘Is it~?’ Kazuya thought lazily, eyes slipping shut as he eagerly responded to the kiss he had waited six months for. “I do too..” he murmured, frowning “Will this still work if you can’t trust me..?”
Smile widening, Jin nodded. “Of course. Now let me sort this out, before it’s too late” he patted the mound of clothes held to his chest.
“Blood washes out fine even if you leave it..” Kazuya started, but he was tired and Jin was insistent.
Why did you keep leaving me, Kazuya?
Jin yawned as he untangled blood stained shirts, wondering if forgoing the laundry in favour of catching a few hours sleep curled up beside the mutilated body he liked to call his lover was preferable. Since he had forced the hole in his chest closed, pinning then sewing it, Jin had started to feel human again; started to remember how much he had missed Kazuya.
It had been an unpleasant experience, making sure everything was in place and stemming the flow of blood slowly but steadily pouring from Kazuya’s chest, but all the while it brought more back to him. He didn’t feel empty anymore. He remembered what it felt like to be in love again, and what it had felt like to be tormented.
Smiling sleepily, Kazuya curled against Jin. “What about all those clothes..?”
“They can wait till after the press con~ I sorted the important part” Jin yawned again, gently bumping his head against the younger boys. “Everything will be alright now~” he told Kazuya with a tired nod. Kame pressed against him a little harder in agreement, slightly surprised at Jin’s lack of desperation but more than happy to just take this as it was.
For as long as he couldn’t feel the fluttering in his chest, he knew it would be alright- it was his selfish heart that had driven him to it the first time. He wasn’t going to let it happen again.
“I love you so much.. nothing is going to ruin it this time..” Kazuya mumbled against Jin’s neck, feeling the elder boy wriggle slightly at the fan of breath over his sensitive skin.
“I know..”
Don’t ever leave me again.
They slept deeply, shoulder to shoulder, fingers tangled, Kazuya’s selfish heart beating to a soothing rhythm in the palm of Jin’s bloodied hand.
==
Pairing: Akame
Rating: NC-17
Genre: angst and dark stuff~
Warnings: guro [blood and gore]
Disclaimer: I own nothing and nobody D8
Kazuya loves the pain that sinks to the pit of his stomach, has more gravity than his entire body and drags him down until he fears his knee’s will buckle under it’s strength. The only thing that can make his body take on the feeling of lead- that has ever made it do so, is the slightest alteration in Jin’s expression.
There’s his sad face, the over exaggerated pout he wears for the camera’s; his troubled expression, brow furrowed, pitifully wide eyes that take on the look naturally but expertly, knowing the sternest of audiences can’t resist it. And then there’s this.
Why did you leave again? he asks with no more than a glance up from his phone, or where he has been wringing his hands anxiously in his lap.
Why do you keep leaving me, Kazuya?
And the younger boy can feel Jin’s emotions surging through him, a high that no other experience he has found can create. He apologizes, excuses, kisses it better and swears to never leave again, but as the feeling ebbs away Kazuya knows that he has to be selfish.
Kazuya has worked his way through Jin, never satisfied but untiring of each experience; that Jin has proven his love with whatever Kazuya has needed- friendship, affection, kisses and thoughtfully chosen words. They have had sex and they have made love, cried for each other, bled for each other.
Emotions that Jin is unaware of experiencing are what Kazuya is measuring their relationship by, and he knows if Jin knew he would have driven himself insane by now.
“I’m so sorry,” he mumbles, boots neatly set next to each other, a pause, then Jin’s shoes are tidied into line too. “I thought I’d only be gone a day.”
Jin is tapping furiously at his DS, fingers too large, touch too heavy. “It’s fine. Our jobs make our schedules unpredictable~”
Kazuya hates himself for dropping down next to his lover, intentionally curling against his rib cage, toes curling into the fabric of Jin’s loose jeans at the knee, making himself seem more fragile than he really was. He rides the high of pure desperation in Jin’s kiss long into the night.
---
“You haven’t been home for two weeks?” Pi asks with a lazy frown that he can’t quite hold. “Where are you staying?”
Kazuya shrugs, considers for a moment, and decides that Tomohisa doesn’t need the details of his uncomfortable nights on the couch in his brothers apartment.
Shrugging again, Kazuya reminds himself why he is doing this. He shudders slightly as the familiar sinking feeling seeps into his veins. Jin wanting, needing him to come back, to complete him again.
Tomohisa is softly spoken as he tells Kazuya that he should be careful how far he pushes Jin, that the elder boy is fragile.
Like hell he is Kazuya thinks, smiling sweetly and nodding to his friend.
Three days later he is still waking up on the couch, limbs cramped, heart beating to an entirely different rhythm as he imagines the looks, the sounds Jin will make when he eventually returns to him.
Nearly a month has passed when Kazuya finally appears back in their shared apartment. He is slightly put out to find Jin asleep- admittedly he is curled, limbs awkwardly forced into place, in the armchair facing the door, but the wave of emotion Kazuya had been preparing for was absent.
“Jin.. Jin, I’m home..” Kazuya murmurs, crouching in front of the chair, stroking his fingertips over Jin’s wrist. When the elder boy’s eyes drowsily open, Kazuya knows Jin is beyond exhaustion; his eyes roll up into his head, staring into his own mind before they come to focus on his lover.
“Fuck..” he groans, melting into the feel of the smaller body pressing to his. Give yourself to me.. Kazuya is thinking without intention, too lethargic in the heat of the apartment and Jin’s arms to wonder what kind of person he must be to torture the man he loves this way.
They don’t really fit together in the armchair, and in muted giggles and curses they eventually find themselves on the floor. Jin’s weight pushes down onto Kazuya, slurred apologies trailing from his lips and disappearing into the night, the younger boy’s only concern the energy he can feel draining from Jin’s soul. He devours it, kissing a gaping mouth that can’t respond, pushing and pulling, stroking and clawing at the body above him until it’s entirely his.
When sun streams through the unclosed curtains, Jin wakes first with blind pain shooting through his head, splitting him in two. From his nights of missed sleep he decides, pulling Kazuya to his chest with dazed thoughts of drawing the boy in his arms into himself, of them becoming one disgusting mesh of skin and souls. Jin is asleep again before the thought can develop into anything more alarming, his spirit seeping into the hand fisted against his heart.
-----
“He really didn’t say a thing to you about it?” Kazuya was hearing for the fifth time that day- six if you counted the half sentence Ryo had managed before Kamenashi lost his professional edge and tore his phone apart, scattering it’s contents at his own bare feet.
There was no way he could explain just why he had had no contact with his lover for the entire build up to this day.
For my education, to grow, to experience new things, to make up for missing out, to fulfil a lifelong dream; Jin had more excuses that Kazuya did when he would skulk through the front door after a five day absence.
Why have you left me Kazuya selfishly thought.
He hated his reflection. He hated seeing himself on screens, on paper, on buildings. He hated seeing Jin’s soul staring back at him through his own eyes, the way he could hold his head in his hands and feel his lovers spirit spilling between his fingers, pooling around him. Kazuya had taken what he wanted, but as he always did when he had fully captured yet another part of the physical form his obsession resided in, he saw right through it to what he wanted next. Since he had loved Jin he had always planned to consume him from the inside out; from the outside in, from his head to his heart, from his sight to his voice. Kazuya was a collector. As long as Jin was entirely his, he didn’t care how.
Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God.
Press conferences, news reports, blurred photo’s.. Kazuya could see his mistakes in all of them. His lover had become the shell Kazuya worked so hard to hollow out. Kazuya had his soul, but it just wasn’t enough.
Jin blames his constant nausea on malnutrition, home sickness, perhaps even the guilt of leaving Kazuya without a word, just as Kazuya left him so many times before. He hallucinates in the surgery’s waiting room that he is empty, that his surroundings spiral into his lungs with each breath.
Over and over again Jin cries himself to sleep, missing his home and it’s petty comforts, missing his friends, the man he loves, and missing what used to be the gaping hole he can feel being filled by the atmosphere. Kazuya can feel it too, and when he is alone his fingers tear at the soul, desperate to rid it from his body.
When they meet, it’s sooner than they had expected. The snow has stopped, but a chill has set in; Jin tugs his scarf up to cover his nose.
“The others are going to tear you apart,” Kazuya tells him softly, still breathless from running and running, cold air filling his chest until it hurts. Like you do Jin thinks as he nods mutely.
He knows how angry his band mates are; he’s been planning out his excuses and apologies for weeks. The elder boy can’t help wondering why Kazuya isn’t every bit as furious as everybody else, but the sense that his lover is what he needs to feel human again prevents Jin from asking.
Cautiously meeting Jin’s eyes, Kazuya mourns the lack of his soul, mourns his inability to even know that it had gone.
“After today is over.. this meeting we’re having.. can I meet you?”
“Meet me?” Jin echoes as though it’s a thought that has never occurred to him, and Kame wills himself not to look as awkward as he feels. “I thought.. maybe.. our hotel isn’t that far from yours, I’m sure the others wouldn’t notice if I spent the night away from them..”
Jin is frowning but not thinking. Absently wrapping strands of long black hair around his knuckles, eventually Jin shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” he pauses to study Kazuya’s expression before adding “But I have missed you”
------
Kazuya has tried, over their six months apart, to blame Jin for being too giving- for loving him enough to so easily let him destroy him. No longer content with owning his lovers soul, Kazuya, for the first time, is scared. Scared what will happen if Jin continues this way, scared that their souls will clash, that his body will reject the wrong one.
“I need to see you. I have to see you. Come and meet me. I’ll come and meet you”
Jin sighs, limbs stiff, eyes sore. It’s almost midnight, and he has a press conference in the morning. Kazuya will see him in a few hours, but despite the fatigue of travelling, Jin can’t help lingering near the phone. Desperation is very much not a part of Kazuya.
“Please please please. Fuck, Jin, please I have to see you”
“This had better be good”
Kazuya stares up at Jin with watery eyes, shaking his head. He pushes past Jin. Jin nudges the door closed with his foot, slowly following the sound echoing through his still apartment to the kitchen.
“Why the hell don’t you have knives and forks?” Kazuya asks through gritted teeth, re opening all the same drawers he has already looked in.
“Why the hell are you looking for them?” Jin counters, resting a large hand on Kazuya’s arm, stilling him. “Why the hell are you in my apartment at 1am when you know how tired I am?”
This is for your own good Kazuya thinks helplessly, knowing that if Jin was still whole he would be a lot more sympathetic.
Fighting Jin out of his shirt is not an easy task; they both end up on the floor, Jin glaring furiously as the younger boys weight rests on his legs. “For fucks sake--” Jin tries to push Kazuya, tries to hold the fabric to his skin. “If you just wanted to screw me couldn’t you have at least waited until tomorrow?”
Kazuya says nothing, but his wild eyes give Jin enough warning to stop fighting back. He bites down on his lip, glancing at Kazuya’s trembling hands as they work on his own shirt.
“..why were you looking for a fork?” Jin asks quietly, almost amused with the situation. Almost.
“I wasn’t. I was looking for a knife.” he replies without hesitation.
Jin’s eyes widen but don’t fill with fear, as they narrow but there is no emotion in his appalled expression when Kazuya’s shirt slips from his shoulders, the welts in his skin like nothing Jin has ever seen. He has tried to gouge the soul out, stabbed and clawed and reached inside. More than once he has tried to scare it out, burned and choked and drowned.
“Can’t leave you alone for five minutes, can I~” Jin says humourlessly, reaching up with a morbid fascination to touch the scars. Kazuya shudders when blunt fingernails scrape over bumps. He cries out softly as a long finger slips into a particularly deep wound, twisting experimentally. Jin wrinkles his nose at the blood pooling around his finger, dripping onto his jeans as he slides it out.
“Why have you done this?”
“Because I’m a bad person” Kazuya whimpers, appreciating that Jin doesn’t flinch when their chests meet. He knows the marks can’t feel good against Jin’s skin, just as the blood stained finger doesn’t feel good trailing his spine.
Slipping a small hand between them, Jin continues to lay undisturbed as Kazuya digs his fingers into the already bleeding wound. His knuckles press into Jin’s chest as each digit forces deeper and deeper, his breath nothing but shallow pants against Jin’s neck.
“I’m sorry.. so sorry, so sorry, so sorry..” Kazuya groans appreciatively as Jin holds him with a firm grip either side of his ribs, propping him up so he can use both hands. “I t.. took something of yours..”
Blood trails down Kazuya’s stomach, spatters messily onto Jin’s chest and the floor as he starts to claw, gripping the tears in his skin and pulling pulling pulling.
Jin closes his eyes, focusing on the warmth slowly spreading over him rather than how his lovers body trembles in his arms. “If you’ve tried to get it out before, why is this time any different?”
"Because you need it.." Kazuya's voice seeps past his lips , and Jin can't be sure if perhaps it's blood rather than saliva pooling in his mouth. "Take it.. Jin please, please.."
Uncertain but uncaring, Jin took a deep breath, then another, steeling himself to the idea of putting his hand into the stringy clotted mess above him. So there was something ugly about Kazuya.
Cocking his head, Jin decides that the gaping wound in his lovers chest looks a little like a pomegranate. Not that he likes pomegranates all that much.
“What am I looking for~?” he asks vaguely with an experimental poke at god knows what that is peeking out from between the younger boys lungs. Kazuya’s body trembles, more blood, more stringy mess. “You’ll know when you find it..”
Fingers coated in blood, Jin adjusted a lot faster than Kazuya did to their situation.
“Please,” Kazuya hissed, not wishing to rush Jin but not entirely certain how long he could bear this, “Stop playing and look.”
“Does it hurt..” Jin murmured, wondering if he could ever tire of watching the younger boys heart pounding faster each time he trailed the side of it with a finger tip.
Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, Kazuya focused on the lights that danced across his eyelids. He thought about how he was going to fix himself, how long it would take to sew himself back together, what an ugly scar it would leave.. anything to take his mind away from wondering if Jin’s soul was even still in there. Perhaps his own had suffocated it. Perhaps Jin really was too weak to him. Perhaps Jin would be a shell forever and he would have ruined both of their lives~
A dry sob escaped Kazuya’s lips, and he wondered, as a weight fell from him, landing with a stomach churning slap to Jin’s bare skin, if his heart had fallen out- if anything had fallen out; Jin had not been gentle with his search, widening the hole enough to make Kazuya worry that something vital could have eased it’s way out of his filthy body.
-
Jin, being Jin, had tried to make it better. Kazuya had woken in a pool of blood, crimson stained pillows under his head. Had it not hurt so fucking much he would have found Jin’s attempts at fixing the unfixable cute; glancing down at his torn body to find a balled up T-shirt and what looked suspiciously like one of his own socks filling the hole. Neither were soaked through, so he assumed these weren’t the first things Jin had used to stem the blood flow. Jin.
Turning his head, Kazuya found the elder boy sitting behind him, tears streaming from the eyes that stared up into his own mind, just like they used to.
“..are you ok..?” Kazuya mumbled hoarsely, wondering if that blood stained hand had found it’s way up to his vocal cords while he’d been unconscious.
“Don’t move--” Jin’s eyes rolled down into focus immediately as he wailed, burying a hand in Kazuya’s hair to still his head. “Don’t move.. it only just stopped bleeding~”
I’ve broken you, haven’t I..
Jin had a small scar, still weeping slightly from where he had made a half hearted attempt at neatly sewing it up. Kazuya knew what it was. He also knew that if Jin had reclaimed his soul, he should have been hysterical at finding his lover torn open. Being calm enough to stitch it back in himself wasn’t a good sign.
Roughly wiping his eyes, Jin was still babbling half formed sentences and words Kazuya was fairly sure weren’t entirely real as he cautiously removed the T-shirt. He wrinkled his nose at the clots of blood, padding out of the room and returning moments later with a floral dish cloth.
“You are not putting that inside me” Kazuya croaked in what he hoped was a threatening tone, “I’m only letting you get away with the shirt because it’s not like I could have stopped you..”
Ignoring him entirely, Jin continued to ramble on about painkillers and keeping still and how he knew he should have stolen a bandage from the last venues first aid kit rather than just taking the luminous orange band aid. Kazuya winced at the feel of rough fabric making contact with his insides, but he knew Jin was just trying his best.
“Now don’t ever do that again, ok?” Jin was telling him sternly after another two hours of having any and all absorbent materials in his home worked awkwardly into the younger boys rib cage. “You scared the life out of me.. and you’ve made a mess, and now how tired are we both going to be for the press con~? It’s in three hours, jerk.”
“I’m sorry..” Finally, with permission from Jin, Kazuya cautiously sat up. He had to lean back against the couch, but it was a relief on his cramped limbs to just move again~ “It was for your own good though..”
“I know~ and you‘re such a fucker I don‘t even know why I‘m with you, if you‘re going to do things like that” Jin said absently as he bundled up the many bloodied items of clothing scattered across the room. Kazuya smiled weakly. Same old Jin. “Because you love me, and because I promised to never do it again?”
Although he hadn’t entirely explained the extent he had gone to in pushing Jin too far, Kazuya was fairly sure Jin was sensible enough to piece together his odd behaviour and realise what he had been doing for the past few years.. Jin was forgiving to a fault, however, and he ‘kind of liked waiting up every night anyway’.
“Don’t ever leave me again.”
Eyes fixed on the blood soaked carpet, Kazuya nodded. The fluttering in his chest was absent, but that feeling was still there. Being wanted, being needed.. after everything, it still felt so good.
“I mean it, Kame,” Jin said through pouting lips. He was taking it all in good humour, but Kazuya suspected some of that may be jetlag. “I don’t know what I’d do if you left me like you used to..”
“I wont.. don’t you trust me?”
“After all this?” Jin smiled, holding the bundle of clothing to his chest so he could lean in close. “No. I love you with all my heart Kazuya, but I don’t trust you. It’s ok though”
‘Is it~?’ Kazuya thought lazily, eyes slipping shut as he eagerly responded to the kiss he had waited six months for. “I do too..” he murmured, frowning “Will this still work if you can’t trust me..?”
Smile widening, Jin nodded. “Of course. Now let me sort this out, before it’s too late” he patted the mound of clothes held to his chest.
“Blood washes out fine even if you leave it..” Kazuya started, but he was tired and Jin was insistent.
Why did you keep leaving me, Kazuya?
Jin yawned as he untangled blood stained shirts, wondering if forgoing the laundry in favour of catching a few hours sleep curled up beside the mutilated body he liked to call his lover was preferable. Since he had forced the hole in his chest closed, pinning then sewing it, Jin had started to feel human again; started to remember how much he had missed Kazuya.
It had been an unpleasant experience, making sure everything was in place and stemming the flow of blood slowly but steadily pouring from Kazuya’s chest, but all the while it brought more back to him. He didn’t feel empty anymore. He remembered what it felt like to be in love again, and what it had felt like to be tormented.
Smiling sleepily, Kazuya curled against Jin. “What about all those clothes..?”
“They can wait till after the press con~ I sorted the important part” Jin yawned again, gently bumping his head against the younger boys. “Everything will be alright now~” he told Kazuya with a tired nod. Kame pressed against him a little harder in agreement, slightly surprised at Jin’s lack of desperation but more than happy to just take this as it was.
For as long as he couldn’t feel the fluttering in his chest, he knew it would be alright- it was his selfish heart that had driven him to it the first time. He wasn’t going to let it happen again.
“I love you so much.. nothing is going to ruin it this time..” Kazuya mumbled against Jin’s neck, feeling the elder boy wriggle slightly at the fan of breath over his sensitive skin.
“I know..”
Don’t ever leave me again.
They slept deeply, shoulder to shoulder, fingers tangled, Kazuya’s selfish heart beating to a soothing rhythm in the palm of Jin’s bloodied hand.
==