(no subject)
I am lost, disoriented as life whizzes by me. Things come from so many different directions at once, I literally can't keep track. In my efforts to keep everything organized, nothing gets done, and I'm left wondering what the hell I'm doing here and how I managed to get this far. And then all I can do is wonder about the future. Supposedly I have all these great opportunities, but it remains to be seen whether they'll actually happen, or if I even have the time to pursue them. Or more importantly, whether I actually WANT to, because right now living in a "decent" place somewhere working a modest job in unskilled labor and just settling down really doesn't sound so bad. But I'll at least put some effort into achieving a more fulfilling (so they say) life, if not for my own pleasure than to placate those who push me forward. Anyway, aside from the inner confusion caused by the various happenings of my life, my social life seems to be just as well off. I never liked to think about how many of my friendships were those of convenience, and now I find myself realizing just how many of them are, even if not neccesarily to myself. Too many people who I just happened to see. Our common locale is eliminated, and all but the littlest communication ceases. As nice as it is to try and be there for people, it's a bit disheartening when you find yourself thinking it was only because you happened to be there at the time. So as some people stop talking to me altogether, and other friendships reduced to everyday fun and chitchat, I find myself left with nobody I can really talk to, or rather, nobody who feels they can really talk to me. The few exceptions to this of course are mostly unavailable due to either geographical or my own personal issues. I'm not sure exactly why I'm not making tonight's post private as I have been. Maybe I'm hoping that someone will have some kind of magic solution to it all. Or that this could bring up awareness of a general social deterioration among the people I call my friends (the ones who read this anyway), if this is in fact not just a problem for me. At the very least, this could serve as fair warning before I just give up pursuit of a meaningful friendship.