(no subject)
I think I'm just going to have to be single, until I meet someone really right, if that ever happens. Clearly trying hasn't worked. Trying to find someone, trying to be with the men I have found. It hasn't worked at all. It seems it may be true that you find love when you're not looking. That was definitely the case with Matt. I was already in a good relationship when I fell in love with him, I wasn't looking at all.
I just want Joel, and Brandon, still. They are the only guys I've wanted within 6 months now, other than Matt. I don't want Matt, but I'm clearly not over him. Joel and I are just whatever we are, nothing. We had one of our typical, long, stupid conversations again the other night. He wants me, but he doesn't want me, the only time he really wants me enough to act on it is if I say something that makes him horny. It's stupid, he's stupid. Brandon and I are co-workers, with history, which makes me feel as though we still have somewhat of a deeper connection, but I don't know. He doesn't care. I miss him. I miss sleeping with him, but I think maybe even more so than that, I miss him as a friend. I miss telling each other everything about the current events in our lives. I miss knowing him well. I miss going out with him, getting high with him. I miss holding his hand and his hand on my thigh and playing with his hair. His smell. I miss listening to music with him, and his apartment, his christmas lights. I miss his head on my chest, in our perfect couch position we would take every time. I miss falling asleep and waking up next to him. I've done well at not letting him know all of this, since apparently I'm supposed to not care, I'm supposed to seem strong. It wouldn't make much difference anyway, as like I said, he doesn't care. He never really did much, and I'm sure he does less than ever now. At the same time, I want to tell him, I want him to know it hurts and I miss him and I really did and do care about him. He knows though, I know.
I just want Joel, and Brandon, still. They are the only guys I've wanted within 6 months now, other than Matt. I don't want Matt, but I'm clearly not over him. Joel and I are just whatever we are, nothing. We had one of our typical, long, stupid conversations again the other night. He wants me, but he doesn't want me, the only time he really wants me enough to act on it is if I say something that makes him horny. It's stupid, he's stupid. Brandon and I are co-workers, with history, which makes me feel as though we still have somewhat of a deeper connection, but I don't know. He doesn't care. I miss him. I miss sleeping with him, but I think maybe even more so than that, I miss him as a friend. I miss telling each other everything about the current events in our lives. I miss knowing him well. I miss going out with him, getting high with him. I miss holding his hand and his hand on my thigh and playing with his hair. His smell. I miss listening to music with him, and his apartment, his christmas lights. I miss his head on my chest, in our perfect couch position we would take every time. I miss falling asleep and waking up next to him. I've done well at not letting him know all of this, since apparently I'm supposed to not care, I'm supposed to seem strong. It wouldn't make much difference anyway, as like I said, he doesn't care. He never really did much, and I'm sure he does less than ever now. At the same time, I want to tell him, I want him to know it hurts and I miss him and I really did and do care about him. He knows though, I know.