fuck.
I was bored at work yesterday, so i txted Bliss, as well as a few other people. We talked all day. He asked if I'd want to hang out the next night, after we were done work together. I told him I didn't think we should keep what we'd been doing going. He guessed that it was because there's another boy, and he assumed he knew who. I didn't deny it and I said "Yeah, you probably do." Because I knew he'd seen us talking the other night at work. He says he understands and just wants me to be happy. He somewhat jokingly says "I guess i'll have to find another fuck buddy", and we start saying maybe he should fuck the other girl at work, that he used to fuck, that was pissed about us, that would be pissed if anything happened with new boy, because she had a thing with him too. He says he might, and that she's a good lay. I say "Ew. I don't want to hear that. I'm better." He says "Almost, you were just on the borderline of being better. We were just getting there." It pisses me off. He told me before that we were better and now he's saying that was a lie? I get kind of mad at him and he says "Fuck off. I was just trying to entice you. I want to keep fucking you. It is better. I'm just jealous. Give me a break. " I say "Of what? I haven't even kissed the dude and who knows if we're even going anywhere. I just don't want to fuck you if I have interest in someone else. And he's not the only reason anyway. It's not like you LIKE me, you can have sex with anyone." He says "I agree with all that you say, except that I do like you, and I don't want to fuck anyone else. But I understand and respect where you are at and am supportive." I say "I mean you don't LIKE like me, you don't have feelings for me, you don't want to be with me." He says "I do have feelings for you, I don't just think you're any old girl. But it was obvious that it wouldn't work for us right now. And I'm very sorry to have pissed you off. I shouldn't react like that, but I didn't intend any harm, please know that. I want you to be happy above all else, so if that's with him, then great, but that doesn't mean I can't be jealous." Sigh.
New boy came over after work. We can't always keep a conversation going. I can't read him at all. He doesn't touch me. I have my leg on top of his a little bit, he doesn't reciprocate at all. He says he should get going, after only a couple hours. I say "But we didn't even cuddle..." (He always says he wants to cuddle and this was our first opportunity to do so. Even just a couple hours prior to coming over, he said we'd cuddle. Even like a week or so ago, before we'd ever hung out, he wanted to come over to cuddle.) He says "Next time." I say "Why not this time?" He says "I'm not good at making moves." I just sigh and say "Okay..." We hug, he kisses my neck, he leaves. What the fuck. I txt him about it. He says "There's plenty more time to cuddle." I say "I don't get why tonight wasn't a good time, unless you're just not into it, and it's not gonna happen at all.". He says "Sure it was a good time, just not the right one. I think you're wonderful. I will cuddle you this weekend, yes? :)" I tell him "I no longer believe your cuddling words." "Oh come on! I'm cute!" "I know you are, but you're confusing me." He says not to let him. I don't know what that means. Does that mean he doesn't want me to care? He doesn't want me to like him? Blah.
I reply to the txt Bliss had sent me about half an hour earlier. I need him to make me feel better, and fill the hole in my heart that new boy didn't. We talk a bit more. I tell him I want to cuddle. He says he does too. Just cuddling though. He'll do his best. It's 1:15am. I txt new boy, and say "Goodnight." He says "Nighty! xoxo". I still don't get it. I start walking. Bliss meets me part way. I like him right when I see him. We have a good hug. I had said earlier that I wanted to give him a big hug the next night when I'd see him at work. It came sooner than expected. We sat down on his couch like always.We listened to Kings of Leon. We talked. We always talk. The first time we hung out we stayed up til 7am together, talking. We laughed. We're comfortable. We laid down, and cuddled, in our usual perfect position. He was good for a bit, but I didn't even care, I didn't want him to be. I wanted him. Not in a sexual way, but in an emotional way. We made out. Really good. Really passionate. He held the sides of my face, and kissed me deeply. Hot and heavy. Like the hottest and heaviest ever maybe. We had sex. Again, really good. Maybe the best. We went to bed and spooned, and listened to Iron & Wine. So much soft skin touching. He held me tight, and kept saying how good it felt. He said he didn't want to fall asleep because it felt so good. He didn't try anything. He held me all night. He was still holding me when we woke up this morning. We kissed. We made out. We had sex. We cuddled a bit more. He had to get up for work. He drove me home. We work together tonight.
So while I've seen parts of him I don't really like, and no longer see him as better than me, he still has everything I've always liked about him. We get along. We can talk, a lot, We can make each other laugh. We're comfortable. I feel a sense of home with him, especially in his apartment. I know him, and he knows me, pretty well I think. He's sexy and he smells good and has the softest skin and hair and he turns me on. So much. He likes me. He's fucked up, but I know he likes me. He thinks a lot of good about me. How good we can be makes it so much harder.
I. Don't. Know.
I'm. Fucked. Up.
New boy came over after work. We can't always keep a conversation going. I can't read him at all. He doesn't touch me. I have my leg on top of his a little bit, he doesn't reciprocate at all. He says he should get going, after only a couple hours. I say "But we didn't even cuddle..." (He always says he wants to cuddle and this was our first opportunity to do so. Even just a couple hours prior to coming over, he said we'd cuddle. Even like a week or so ago, before we'd ever hung out, he wanted to come over to cuddle.) He says "Next time." I say "Why not this time?" He says "I'm not good at making moves." I just sigh and say "Okay..." We hug, he kisses my neck, he leaves. What the fuck. I txt him about it. He says "There's plenty more time to cuddle." I say "I don't get why tonight wasn't a good time, unless you're just not into it, and it's not gonna happen at all.". He says "Sure it was a good time, just not the right one. I think you're wonderful. I will cuddle you this weekend, yes? :)" I tell him "I no longer believe your cuddling words." "Oh come on! I'm cute!" "I know you are, but you're confusing me." He says not to let him. I don't know what that means. Does that mean he doesn't want me to care? He doesn't want me to like him? Blah.
I reply to the txt Bliss had sent me about half an hour earlier. I need him to make me feel better, and fill the hole in my heart that new boy didn't. We talk a bit more. I tell him I want to cuddle. He says he does too. Just cuddling though. He'll do his best. It's 1:15am. I txt new boy, and say "Goodnight." He says "Nighty! xoxo". I still don't get it. I start walking. Bliss meets me part way. I like him right when I see him. We have a good hug. I had said earlier that I wanted to give him a big hug the next night when I'd see him at work. It came sooner than expected. We sat down on his couch like always.We listened to Kings of Leon. We talked. We always talk. The first time we hung out we stayed up til 7am together, talking. We laughed. We're comfortable. We laid down, and cuddled, in our usual perfect position. He was good for a bit, but I didn't even care, I didn't want him to be. I wanted him. Not in a sexual way, but in an emotional way. We made out. Really good. Really passionate. He held the sides of my face, and kissed me deeply. Hot and heavy. Like the hottest and heaviest ever maybe. We had sex. Again, really good. Maybe the best. We went to bed and spooned, and listened to Iron & Wine. So much soft skin touching. He held me tight, and kept saying how good it felt. He said he didn't want to fall asleep because it felt so good. He didn't try anything. He held me all night. He was still holding me when we woke up this morning. We kissed. We made out. We had sex. We cuddled a bit more. He had to get up for work. He drove me home. We work together tonight.
So while I've seen parts of him I don't really like, and no longer see him as better than me, he still has everything I've always liked about him. We get along. We can talk, a lot, We can make each other laugh. We're comfortable. I feel a sense of home with him, especially in his apartment. I know him, and he knows me, pretty well I think. He's sexy and he smells good and has the softest skin and hair and he turns me on. So much. He likes me. He's fucked up, but I know he likes me. He thinks a lot of good about me. How good we can be makes it so much harder.
I. Don't. Know.
I'm. Fucked. Up.