Fanfic: Have and Withhold 2c
Dumbledore brought the Order of the Phoenix out of hibernation. Mad-Eye Moody needed no convincing. Neither did Sirius or Remus. Most of the originals were dead. A few other survivors were reluctant to believe Voldemort could let alone had returned. Molly, whose brothers were both members previously and both killed in action, insisted on being involved without being rostered on to fight. Arthur would use his position in the Ministry to gather information and attempt to recruit. The newest, youngest, and most surprising recruit was the daughter of Sirius’ cousin Andromeda. Nymphadora Tonks embodied everything Remus found captivating in a person.
“She’s terrifying,” he confided to Sirius as they packed their belongings to move into Sirius’ childhood home. Offering the hideous townhouse as headquarters for the Order had so far been the only tangible contribution Sirius had been allowed to make. Sirius suspected that Tonks - as Nymphadora insisted upon being called - found Remus intriguing, and not because he was the werewolf son of a notorious author. He hoped something positive would bloom between them, intense friendship at the absolute least.
~~~
Sirius stood with his back against the inside jamb of his original bedroom door, looking across the landing. Remus stood against the wall, watching Sirius.
“Regulus was barely older than Harry is now when I left. I wasn’t old enough to apparate. The next and last time I was here was just three years later. I thought he was dead. Soon after, he was. I should not have left him here, either time. I should have had the Lovegoods collect him when the Potters came for me. He could have been happy and properly alive for the rest of his life. He would have understood why Death Eaters don’t represent freedom before it was too late. I may as well have strangled him with my bare hands before moving out. This place is worse than Azkaban because I deserve to be here.” Sirius glanced at Remus then gestured at his brother’s door. “You can use his room. His copies of your father’s publications will be in there. The little dweeb made notes in the one about werewolves after meeting you. He and Xeno should be working on that idiotic Quibbler together.”
“I’ll share with you until sleeping as Padfoot stops being instinctive.”
“Tonks will get the wrong idea about us.”
“Good.”
Sirius laughed. “Prophylactics eliminate the worst of your fears,” he said.
“Those aren’t infallible. I can’t support us.”
“As the youngest Arour in the history of the position, she doesn’t need financial support, and who better than you to provide the emotional and physical support at the end of each shift.”
“Again, with the physical!” Remus grumbled in disapproval.
“Hugs, you filthy-minded old letch. The only cause for hesitation should be the age disparity. She’s barely more than half our age. Perve,” Sirius teased.
“From you? That makes me the most deviant of deviants.”
“So droll, Remus.”
They shared fleeting grins.
Sirius properly entered his room. “Tad early to be concerned about failure to provide fiscal security, which indicates serious attachment on your part. I’ll tell her you like redheads.”
“Sirius, please,” Remus said in borderline exasperation.
“I have to provide Prongs’ share of teasing, too, so prepare for a deluge.”
“It isn’t fair to make me retrospectively miss you after years of legitimate reasons to detest you!”
“What horror do you think Peter had planned for you?” Sirius asked as they changed for bed. Pyjamas proved he took Remus’ admonitions seriously. Harry needed a godfather more than a dog.
“I’d rather not return to that particular game of What If, if you don’t mind.”
“I’ll send the rancid House Elf to buy some decent pjs tomorrow so you can ditch the second-hand grandpa couture.”
“I don’t need charity.”
“I have to spend my horrid inheritance somewhere. Dividing it between you and Harry bestows mutual financial security. You can propose to the pretty Nymph tomorrow!”
“Sirius,” Remus protested wearily.
“Still the obstacle of chronological decrepitude to overcome. Perhaps Tonks will be willing to age herself up since you can’t age down.”
“Finished?”
“Depends, was that Prongs enough?”
Remus smiled wryly. “Perfect balance of Padfoot and Prongs.” He got into bed beside Sirius so he could kick Padfoot into Sirius shape during the night if required.
~~~
Sirius passed Tonks a scrap of paper. “Shopping list,” he said.
Tonks unfolded the ‘list’, which consisted of one item: frangers, whichever brand is most durable without feeling like a gumboot.
“Approximate Remus size,” Sirius added.
“My current pjs are perfectly suitable,” Remus declared, oblivious.
Tonks chortled despite her dashed hopes. Upon returning to the Black townhouse, she handed the purchase to her mother’s cousin.
“Excellent,” Sirius said then handed it back. “Now he has no excuse. Go get him. And stop telling him to call you Tonks. It’ll be too awkward to say seductively during sex.”
Tonks smiled and pocketed the pack.
~~~
Watching Remus’ delight over Tonks despite deflecting her advances was excruciating. Not due to jealousy.
“How obvious do I have to be?” Tonks complained to Sirius one evening while helping Molly prepare dinner before an Order meeting.
Sirius slapped his thighs. “Jump on sweetie,” he suggested.
Tonks scoffed. “That’ll frighten him off! He’s satisfyingly keen until he’s suddenly shocked about being keen. It’s like zapping a horny nun with a cattle prod.”
Sirius took the wand from her hand and replaced it with a manual vegetable peeler to prevent Tonks destroying another vegetable. Molly mouthed “Thank you” to Sirius and handed him a bowl of something to do.
“He’s afraid you’ll be hurt by becoming involved,” Sirius said diplomatically.
“Hurt?!” Tonks snorted. “I’m a bollocking Auror! How many from before are old as Mad-Eye or older?” She snorted again. “I’m more likely to get mauled by one of Fenrir Greyback’s biters or green-flashed than hurt by Remus Lupin!” Her hair changed length and colour as she shook her head in irritation. “Is it the metamorphmagic? Is he self-conscious about asking for customised features? Because partners can ask all they want. Answer’s no unless I reckon a suggestion sounds fun. Remus does realise I have a brain above these boobs?”
“It’s the brain he’s excited by and what’s below the boobs that scares him. You’re a bit full-on for my virginal Moony,” said Sirius.
“He’s never!” Tonks declared in amused disbelief.
“Poor boy’s always been terrified of passing on his affliction,” Molly said with respectful sympathy. “The more he cares, the greater that fear. I understand why you want to rush ahead. Patient perseverance on your part would be easier if you’d chosen a sedate career path, like a florist, but Remus spent more years than you’ve been alive having to consider long-term consequences to his actions. I’ll have an occasional word with him, dear,” Molly assured Tonks, “subtly guide him in the right direction so he thinks it’s all his idea.”
“That sounds a bit manipulative. I’d rather not have someone coerced into thinking I’m alright,” said Tonks.
“Good girl,” Sirius murmured with strong approval.
“Has he really never?” Tonks quietly asked Sirius once everyone from the meeting had gone home. It was her turn to sleep over and ‘help mind headquarters’-i.e., monitor Sirius-although not by bunking in like Remus did. “Not even with you?”
“Most certainly never with me,” Sirius replied at the same volume despite them being alone in the house. “Moony can’t help flirting back when you instigate. He’s only lost himself like that with one witch before, back when we were teenagers, and he eventually lied to her that he was with me to put her off. Don’t let him pull that stunt with you.” Sirius gently touched her shoulder. “Be prepared for Remus to back-trip on a guilt-trip after every milestone, though. Then there’s the full-moon routines. I don’t know what strategies he devised to deal with those on his own after we were all gone. Perhaps that’s the cruelty Peter intended to inflict. Can’t imagine anything Remus said or did to turn Peter against him, though, so maybe it was just a by-product of getting caught. Buckbeak is in my mother’s room. Which of the others would you prefer?”
“Has anyone called dibs on your brother’s?”
“It’s styled in traditional Slytherin with accents of Death Eater propaganda.”
“Can I snoop around in his stuff?” Tonks asked eagerly.
“Just don’t nick or damage anything until we’ve had a chance to inspect it.”
“Auror, remember.”
“Then you’re welcome to it.”
Tonks’ responding smile was contagious.
“Don’t give up until Remus tells me he no longer finds you captivating. I may have given bad advice about being obvious. He prefers flirting without expectation of fulfilment. Flirt with virtually everyone and I’ll do the same, then he’ll feel comfortable enough to join in and let his guard down so you can become better acquainted.”
“Thanks Sirius,” Tonks said earnestly.
Sirius let her into Regulus’ room - Sirius had given it a dust while Remus wasn’t looking. There’d been nothing else to tidy because Regulus had packed it all away in preparation of his fate. Sirius found he didn’t mind Nymphadora being in there. It felt right having her across the landing. It was almost as though Regulus had come back in a way that allowed them to be innocent again. If Nymphadora hadn’t been born years before Regulus died, Sirius would be tempted to believe in reincarnation.
~~~
Being housebound, particularly in that house, was maddening.
Molly Weasley moved herself in with the four youngest of her seven children to help make the place marginally habitable, since Kreacher did nothing but weep and moan at Walburga’s portrait, fondle Orion’s clothing, and mutter insults about everyone who entered. Also, because Sirius and Tonks spent more time laughing and setting cluttered debris on fire than performing domestic spells. The fires weren’t always deliberate.
Remus barely conversed with Tonks about anything outside Order business when the Weasley children and Hermione Granger were present. Tonks and Bill Weasley-Molly’s eldest-flirted as outrageously and aimlessly as Sirius and Remus used to. Bill’s girlfriend, Fleur Delacroix, didn’t like Tonks. Not because of the flirting. Fleur was French with Veela ancestry. Flirtation was her natural state of being. Fleur was graceful and spoke softly. Tonks was clumsy and brash. Unlike Grindelwald, Voldemort’s threat didn’t extend across Europe, so Fleur was unaware of what Voldemort’s return meant, only that he’d murdered her friend and Triwizard rival Cedric Diggory. Some of her remarks got up everyone’s nose, no one was as displeased as Tonks.
“…every het or bi male in the house fawning over her. Bet he considers her safe. Veela ancestry probably makes her immune,” Tonks grumbled at Sirius while they removed an infestation of pests from another bedroom so the youngest Weasley boy could share with Harry instead of being tormented by the twins.
“Remus considers Fleur a child,” Sirius pointed out. “She was a school student a month ago.”
Tonks rambled some more. Sirius let her go. Their soap opera was already boring. A rehash of the original highschool version, without the Prongs-related malarky. Thank Merlin for the Weasleys! Fred and George made life bearable for Sirius. Bill was a unique character and often at odds with Molly over his aesthetic. Their affectionate bickering was the opposite of the detached discipline and loathing between Sirius and his parents. Sirius would almost rather have been a Weasley than a Potter. Ginny and Hermione shadowed Tonks and avoided Fleur. Poor Fleur. Sirius spoke with her often in French and helped her with translating to and from English when Bill couldn’t be there or got it wrong. No soap opera for that pair, just straight forward romance-doubtlessly full of erotica. Good ont hem, Sirius reckoned.
Severus Snape and Mundungus Fletcher were the only visitors who didn’t bring life to the house of angst. Sirius and Severus tore verbal shreds off each other if left unsupervised. Insults and jabs exchanged in company were far milder.
“Did you become set on exposing Remus as a werewolf to Lily as soon as you made the discovery, or only after she attempted to snog him?” Sirius asked during one meeting.
“So, you don’t prefer redheads?” Tonks asked Remus, who switched her hair from ripe tomato to fresh bubblegum pink.
“Fucking hell, Sirius,” Remus muttered.
Severus ignored them and responded to Sirius. “Your brother’s sake is the sole reason I did not expose you.”
“Xeno knew that before you, too. He’s had several perfect opportunities to publish it in his magazine but hasn’t. You have less integrity than the Quibbler!”
“As though you have it in abundance.”
“Children please,” said Mad-Eye.
“I can understand never forgiving me for murdering Lily,” Sirius said to Severus once the meeting drew to a close, “but not for not murdering her.”
“You entrusted her safety to Wormtail.”
“You entrusted it to Voldemort.”
The crux of their adult animosity extended from the juvenile. A plan was deemed solid if the fractious pair found nothing to disagree about.
~~~
Nothing brought Sirius more joy and pain than Harry’s arrival. Harry was appropriately horrified to learn that Sirius grew up here. They had some serious conversations about James and Voldemort, some silly, some deeply emotional moments, some gloriously trivial.
Harry was afraid of himself. “I’m so angry, all the time, and I don’t know why. These things my scar is showing me, or whatever is going on, they scare me because I feel this excitement and satisfaction at the horrible things happening and I’m not sure how much of that’s mine rather than Voldemort’s,” he confided to Sirius.
“How much of it do you want to be yours?” Sirius asked.
“None,” Harry said bluntly.
“Then none of it is.”
“But-”
“If you liked enjoying it then some of that pleasure would be yours.”
“How can you be sure?”
“We’re having this conversation. You did not commit those acts, Harry. The guilt is not yours.”
~~~
Sirius disobeyed all advice and Padfooted to Kings Cross station to see Harry off to school. Lightening Harry’s mood, however briefly, made any risk worth it. Molly hollered at Sirius again, choosing to do so in the vicinity of Walburga’s portrait.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU DOE INSTEAD OF MY BELOVED BOY?” Walburga screamed over Molly.
“Don’t dare pretend to care about Regulus now he’s dead after never caring while he lived! He wished you’d died instead of Orion. It’s your fault Regulus is dead instead of me, since his head is the one you mashed full of Death Eater shit.”
“BASE, FOUL LANGUAGE!”
“Is more than you deserve; evil, demented hag!”
“Which of the half-bloods polluting my house is your bastard? Or is your blood too treacherous to cleanse the stain of your Muggle whore?!”
“For the last time, I MADE THAT UP TO PISS THE LOT OF YOU OFF! Rather hoped it would give you and Orion matching strokes!” He tried setting the portrait and frame alight to no avail. “WHY WON’T YOU BURN? HELL COW!” Sirius stomped upstairs because trudging would further infuriate Walburga. He’d been put in the discipline room first day home from Hogwarts for walking upstairs rather than flying his broom or attempting apparition to escape the raving ‘disappointment’ he caused by being Sorted outside Slytherin and befriending blood-traitor Potter. ‘Not allowed to do magic out of school’ was not an acceptable excuse. Sirius privately agreed on that point since every student at Hogwarts had been performing underage magic-not all of it reflexive-before enrolment. They should be encouraged to practice at home, not penalised for Accio-ing some toast like they’d been doing for years. Load of bollocks.
“Sorry I left you alone with that,” Sirius told his brother’s room then went in to flip through a periodical about Merfolk. Regulus had made notes in that one, too. Even tried translating some into Mermish-what a wasted mind! Stupid Hat should have put him in Ravenclaw, then he’d have had zero Death Eater friends. Sirius was flat on his back reading when Remus and Tonks returned from whatever they’d been doing, which unfortunately was not each other. “Shag somewhere else,” he said gruffly as they stood in Regulus’ doorway.
“Not today,” said Tonks. “Toss us my tampons then I’ll leave you be.”
Sirius tilted his head back with a concerned frown. “Do you get terribly laid up with all that, or was Walburga being dramatic in demanding deference and solitude during those days?”
“I get a cycle that bad every couple of years. Mine are mostly mildly uncomfortable, although I do crave a lot of cheese during and tend to be extremely horny just following.”
“Mark the calendar, Moony,” Sirius quipped while flinging the box of tampons to Tonks.
“Sod off,” said Remus.
“Sorry for booting you out,” Sirius said to Tonks.
“Stay and keep reading. This is the only time I’ve seen you at peace.”
“Mother’s screeching, Kreacher’s mutters, and Molly’s nagging are only slightly less intrusive than the background noises of Azkaban.”
“Oh ho!” Remus boomed in their favourite mimicry of Horace Slughorn. “No remark about Snape’s snivelling?”
Sirius smiled at Remus and handed him the periodical on Grindylows which Regulus partially used as a diary. “Though I solemnly swear I shall always hate Severus Snape, he provided fraternal guidance and companionship to Regulus when I followed our parents’ example and pretended Regulus didn’t exist. They would have loved Snivellus if he wasn’t Muggleborn.”
“Is he though?” Tonks asked. “You-Know-Who doesn’t stamp Muggleborns with his curse of approval.”
“Severus grew up in the same Muggle neighbourhood as Lily Potter,” said Remus.
“I grew up in a Muggle neighbourhood, this pureblood Dark Art sanctuary is in a Muggle neighbourhood!”
“Shall we parade him past Walburga’s portrait and see which insults she hurls at him?” Sirius suggested, which was how Remus discovered he’d had a few tipples since returning from the station. Remus put a palm to Sirius’ chest.
“How many have you had?” Remus asked gently.
“Mothers? Just the one. Care to trade?”
Tonks laughed then left them alone.
“I may have uncovered the stash Regulus and Xeno tried brewing last time Xeno came over. Not horrendous. Remarkably better than some of the water Padfoot had to drink while on the run. Some left if you’d like to sample.”
“No thank you.”
“Preparing an accusation of some sort?” Sirius asked.
“Not at all.” Remus replied then stood in still, non-menacing silence.
“I did not realise how much I’ve continued to miss him until I began reading what’s jotted in his books. I truly believed that belonged to the past, an infatuation exaggerated by nostalgia, but he still fascinates me more than anyone,” Sirius admitted. “And we know a metamorphmagus, now!”
Remus hugged Sirius with the same tight grip and complexity of emotion as he had in the Shrieking Shack.
“Tonks is probably watching, wondering whether to develop a penis,” Sirius whispered in hopes of making Remus laugh, which it did. The deep hug ended. “You and I can reminisce about James and Lily together and with Harry, but I’ve no-one to remember Regulus with unless Xeno joins the Order. The competition between us, moments of solidarity, laughter - he was the only source of genuine laughter in this house, inspiration for and producer of. Childhood would have been entirely bleak without him. He wanted our parents to like us. I wanted them to drop dead. Those are the recollections I want to share, not the guff James and Peter kept wanting to discuss once they knew about it. You’ve never been as obnoxiously curious about it as they were. Please don’t let that be what you considered my motive for their deaths.”
“You tried using me to eliminate Severus because he suspected. You asked what fate Peter may have had planned for me after I spent twelve years wondering how you intended to dispose of me. So yes, it was a big shitting portion of potential motive!”
“Language, Mr Lupin,” Sirius scolded mildly, posture and expression brimming with apology.
Remus gruffly held Sirius by the face. “I understand how afraid you were. It must be such a devastating thing to feel, and dread of it being revealed could only be worse. You were a child, even though we felt so mature at the time. Arrogant little snots,” he added while letting go. “Bring those publications into one of the main rooms the children helped you and Molly decontaminate. We’ll read them together. You can even sit on the chaise with me as Padfoot and I’ll read to you, if you prefer.”
“Regulus named me Snuffles,” Sirius said, handing half the stack to Remus. He recounted how that began on their way downstairs.
“The same Buckbeak stabled in Walburga’s room?” Remus was suitably impressed. “Then we shall start with hippogriffs.”
Sirius stayed Sirius to offer input from his personal experiences travelling with Buckbeak. “I’m thoroughly glad you survived, Moony,” Sirius said as he stood to make them some tea before they delved into the exposition on werewolves that inspired Fenrir Greyback to prove Lyle Lupin’s ignorance by attacking five-year-old Remus. “Not to the degree Tonks is.”
“I thought you’d both given up on that since her affection seems to have shifted.”
“To whom? Bill? Even Fleur knows those two are just being ridiculous.”
“Have you honestly not noticed how Tonks defers to you lately?”
“To get close to you.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Anyone who chooses me over you is an idiot and not worth bothering about. Nymphadora Tonks is not an idiot. Blast, she broke the one cup that doesn’t have nightmarish memories attached to it! I should start looking for indestructible crockery for your wedding present.”
“Sirius…”
“If I’m wrong, I’ll dance through the Forbidden Forest wearing nothing but the Sorting Hat and artfully placed foliage.”
“Why is that the remark we walk in on?” Tonks demanded with Bill and Fleur behind her. Bill was grinning. Fleur grimaced.
“You can choreograph!” Sirius told Bill and Tonks.
Even Fleur laughed.
Sirius talked to Tonks after Moony and the young romantics left. “We may have taken the Don’t Be So Blatantly Interested strategy too far. Remus thinks you’ve entirely moved on.”
Tonks snorted her derision.
“Good girl. Next time you’re suitably alone together, tell him how much you like him. Keep it clean. Innocent school-kid clean. He’s ready to hear it, if not quite yet ready to respond.”
“We’re on duty together eleven nights from now.” Tonks took a bracing breath. “Wish me luck.”
“You aren’t going to need it, sweet pea.” Which she didn’t.
~~~
Once Sirius delved into the ancestral alcohol stash, he found it difficult to stay out of it when no-one was around.