FanFic: Have and Withhold 2a
The messenger Patronus winked out of existence before fully leaving Sirius’ wand. He tried again. Fail. Sent one to Prongs two strides away. Success. Tried Regulus again-no Patronus.
“Try asking a different question,” Prongs suggested after trying to contact Regulus on Sirius’ behalf. He hadn’t even managed a spot of light.
“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?” Nada.
“You do know what that means, right?” Prongs asked.
“We were forced to be fluent in Deutsch, English, French, and Latin by the age of nine. Our family motto is in French. So, yes Prongs, I know it doesn’t mean “Did you drop my cheese on the couch, you git?” It’s a joke, James, an incest in-joke because our parents are cousins. Why should everyone but us get to make fun of that?”
During the following Order of the Pheonix meeting, James asked Alastor Moody what it meant when a Patronus refused to send a message.
“Either the caster is useless or the recipient’s dead,” Moody said bluntly.
“How would a Patronus know that?” Peter asked.
“Same way it knows where a live recipient is. The communication version establishes a magical connection during casting. Can’t connect to what doesn’t exist.”
“What doesn’t exist?” Lily Evans asked, arriving late with Remus after their data-gathering among Muggle relatives.
“My brother,” Sirius replied. Lily’s empathetic grief was a relief. Sirius could remain moderately detached instead of either completely shutting down or bleating hysterically in front of his friends and the Order. He would probably alternate between the two for a while whenever he was alone. The Marauders had no idea how to react to the situation since they could never accurately judge the level of estrangement between the brothers. “Think Xeno would care to know?” Sirius asked James.
“He’d like to know his sleeves are safe,” Peter quipped.
“Fuck you, Pettigrew,” Sirius barked angrily.
Peter held back a retort, narrowed his eyes, and turned away.
~~~
Xenophilius never expected this visitor, although the news Sirius imparted was not entirely surprising. “Suspected so when your family’s House Elf brought by the game we made with no accompanying correspondence. Who killed him? He’s too arrogant and attached to permanently disentangle himself from you. Regulus was equally repulsed as enthralled. You each waited for the other to cross the line so it would be the other’s fault.”
“His death had nothing to do with that.”
“How could it not? Every aspect of his life had to do with that.”
“He wanted out of the Death Eaters. They must have suspected and killed him.”
“I heard rumours that Regulus refused to perform Unforgiveable Curses or cause deaths by other means. Keeping his soul intact provides a chance of reuniting with you through the arch, beyond the veil, in the next turn of the wheel, whichever form of spiritual afterlife may exist. Death Eaters aren’t renowned for tolerating disobedience.”
“Fucking him wouldn’t have stopped him becoming a Death Eater. He wouldn’t be any less dead. Do you honestly believe he could live with the result had we succumbed?”
“I believe you couldn’t, and that Regulus could not have lived with that. Regulus was incapable of ignoring you, particularly when he believed he was succeeding at it. I tried to liberate him from that, and his Tujor Pur fanaticism, but couldn’t tolerate it anymore. If I’d remained his friend, Regulus might not have become a Death Eater.”
“He set fire to you. No-one blames you for ending the friendship. If he’d been Sorted into Ravenclaw he might not have become a Death Eater. We could assuage our guilt through vandalism and go trash the Hat for putting him in Slytherin.”
“The stupid destructive behaviour that followed our friendship’s demise led me to wonder whether Regulus had been seduced by Creepy Crouch.”
“That maggot?”
“Seduced or ensorcelled,” Xeno added. “Regulus was never properly able to answer why he preferred you.”
“Perhaps you never asked correctly. We eliminated external magical causes after exhaustive research, some of which you probably contributed considering Regulus trusted you and you know so much. Perhaps all we needed was a much broader social circle in which to find the combination of qualities we admired, without the character flaws that irritated us, and then we wouldn’t prefer each other. How long before he set fire to you had you known?”
“From almost the moment he understood how he felt. I never understood the attraction. I thought you were an awful person and a worse brother for admitting it was mutual. I never expected the lie to cause more damage than the truth. Or for the truth I told to be more damaging than that.”
“You did more to protect my brother from my parents and the Death Eaters surrounding him than I did. Regulus restricted his interactions to those our parents deemed acceptable.” Sirius paused. Xeno made no effort to fill the gap. “The most horrendous aspect of our situation is that our mother would have endorsed it had one of us been a daughter. Nothing would have made her happier.”
Xeno felt deeper remorse over his last remarks to Regulus. He had nothing to offer Sirius.
“Enjoy the boardgame, Xeno. Creating it with you made Regulus the happiest, most content I’ve ever seen him.”
“Thank you for coming to tell me directly, Sirius. Sincere condolences for your loss.”
It was the only conversation they’d had.
~~~
The Marauders expected relief or angry bouts of excessive mourning given what they knew about Padfoot.
“Why?” Lily asked James as they walked home after an evening out together without their friends. James confided. “Since when?” Lily asked, not prepared to believe it. James approximated based on the conversation Wormtail overheard between Padfoot and Moony. “The sexy protective necklace?” Dread weighed down Lily’s words.
“Oh ho!” James declared in the manner of Horace Slughorn. “So you considered my best friend sexy!”
“Only three people at Hogwarts didn’t,” Lily said with a scoff. “Even Petunia had a hormonal meltdown over Sirius the last time she came with my parents to meet me at the Express. Absolutely hated herself for it and went in search of the staunchest, Muggliest Muggle in Britain. Unfortunately, she recently found him.” Lily fell silent. James didn’t know how to respond. “You shouldn’t have told me,” Lily said eventually. “I’ll be constantly monitoring myself to ensure I don’t behave differently toward him or allude to it. How awful for them.”
James took hold of Lily’s hand. “I told you because you are the most compassionate and just person I will ever know. I would still be a complete berk if not for your influence. I need your help to carry this burden on my best friend’s behalf while supporting him in his grief.”
“Do you think Sirius could ever consider a relationship with a Muggle?”
“He would have to be an extraordinarily creative Muggle. Regulus is equal to you and Severus in unique magical ability. Your former friend’s stems from anger, fear, and hatred. This thing between Sirius and Regulus-horrible and immoral though it is-inspired some amazing magic because there was love behind it. Not only for the recipient of the result, but for magic itself. The Marauders Map is based on something Sirius and Regulus created together to help them hide from their least favourite relatives and houseguests.”
“What’s that?” asked Lily.
James explained, with gusto, the spells and processes used to fabricate the Map. Lily was suitably impressed.
~~~
Wormtail asked Moony if he was definitely alright with Lily marrying Prongs.
“James can love Lily in all the ways I can’t, not in good conscience. Lily can never live as happily or comfortably with me as she can with practically anyone else.”
“Shouldn’t Lily be the one to decide that?” Wormtail asked.
“She as, hence-”
“After you turned her down three times! Don’t look to Sirius for affirmation, Remus. We both know he’ll prioritise James’ desires over-”
Sirius interjected. “Who in this room has direct experience of the physical agonies and psychological anguish associated with lycanthopy? Only one - Remus. Moony, if we managed to procure a Time-turner and could prevent your infection, would you choose to remain a werewolf?”
“No,” Moony replied solidly and without hesitation.
“Moony has made the sensible, mature choice, as has Miss Evans, Peter. Don’t denigrate it. You’ve no idea how difficult it is denying how intensely you love someone.”
“In your instance it was necessary. We’re all aware that if either Remus or Severus had the courage to be honest with Lily at Hogwarts, she may have chosen either over James!”
Sirius glared accusingly at Remus. Peter deliberately stood between them.
“Remus didn’t tell us until after your brother died, and we knew long before then. We don’t know how or when it started but, Merlin’s knob Sirius, you can’t compare your situation to Moony’s.”
“Correct, Peter, because I can’t impregnate someone and pass on my affliction to my partner and a child.”
“Your partner was already afflicted,” Remus quipped reflexively and immediately apologised.
“It’s fine, Moony. I’ll no doubt be in the mood to find that amusing later. As long as you answered honestly when Wormtail asked if you’re alright.”
“Since knowing I am a werewolf, Lily and I are both entirely satisfied with our decisions.”
Wormtail assessed Moony’s expression and body language, then nodded his acceptance of that statement as fact. Sirius clasped Moony’s shoulder in solidarity and offered his hand to Wormtail in conciliation.
“We both want to protect Moony from heartbreak. History has proven I tend to prioritise Prongs over the rest of us, but not in this. We each love Lily in individual ways and want her as a Marauder, regardless of who she’s with.”
Peter hadn’t forgiven Sirius for putting Remus in danger in highschool. Sirius harboured no resentment against Peter for it since they agreed Remus had forgiven Sirius too swiftly. They were also united in their opinion of Lily Evans, so Peter did not argue further.
~~~
The Order of the Phoenix meeting ended with an impromptu engagement party at the Hog’s Head in Hogsmeade after Dumbledore heard that Alice Fortescue had accepted Frank Longbottom’s marriage proposal while helping Alice study for her Auror exam. The happy couple were both older than the Marauders. Alice had been a prefect the year before Lily and Remus received badges, and Frank had been in seventh when they were first years. Oleander Greengrass was the only Slytherin in the Order, indirectly related to both Sirius and Frank since her maternal grandmother was a Longbottom and her Paternal grandmother a Black. There was unanimous joy. Sirius was in a ridiculously flirty mood. Peter grabbed him by the arm once Sirius came out of the lavatory.
“Stop using Remus as a substitute for Regulus,” Peter said in a low, angry voice.
Sirius took a swig from the drink he’d left on the shelf by the lavvy door. He stepped away then turned back and leaned close with a hand on Peter’s shoulder to whisper at his ear. “You get that I wanted to fuck Regulus, don’t you Peter? Bend him over things and pound him until he started clawing furniture and begging me to cum up him. Remus does not fit in that scenario, ergo not in any way, shape, or form, a substitute for Regulus. If anyone could be, I wouldn’t have had to move out. Although I’d still have wanted to.” Sirius chugged the remainder of his drink then flirted his way to the bar for another to take outside. He’d never said that aloud before, had never acknowledged it as a statement of fact, merely subconscious fantasy. Merlin’s tits, he was insane!
Prongs found him leaning against the Shrieking Shack, picking the label from his almost full bottle of alcoholic cider. “So, ahm, want to talk about it?” Prongs asked.
“Absolutely not.” Sirius handed the bottle to Prongs and began walking away.
“Sirius,” Prongs called after him and followed. “I want to help you.”
“You have, as much as anyone outside the situation can. We managed to not become totally abhorrent.” Sirius shrugged. “Best possible outcome.”
“He’s been dead for…hasn’t it…?” James floundered.
“Died with him?” Sirius suggested. James nodded. “Alas not.” He accepted the bottle back from James and resumed picking at the label rather than drinking. “Although it might if you three stopped discussing and alluding to it.” He looked up and saw James had become overwhelmed with sadness and concern on his behalf. Sirius shrugged again. “We tried everything, James. Avoidance, lies, behavioural changes, magical memory modification, geographical distance.” Sirius looked down at the remnants of shredded label caught in his fingernails. “Dying,” Sirius added in a murmur. He staunchly avoided looking at James again. “What if Death Eaters didn’t kill my brother? What if Regulus did it to get away? What if he’s supernaturally tethered to me because I can’t let go?”
James slid the bottle from Sirius’ hands. “No more booze for you. Ever, if it gets you this maudlin.” James tipped the cider onto the grass while he continued talking. “If Regulus topped himself to permanently break all connections to you, he’d have let you know-in vindictive, bitter detail-of his intention to do so, so you would suffer more. Because, like you, your brother is a vindictive arsehole.”
“Regulus was my brother?” Sirius exclaimed with melodramatic surprise, hand to heart, eyes wide. “Why didn’t somebody say so? If someone had informed us, we’d never have wanted to screw my bulb into his socket! Are you and Peter determined to know the graphic details of our lustful thoughts? We never acted on it, but that doesn’t stop it being filthy pornographic stuff. Even now, you’re preparing to laugh it off like it’s a stupid, exaggerated joke. It isn’t! Your horny thoughts about Lily are playground kisses in comparison, butterflies to my vultures. I came to live with you after another memory charm I cast on Regulus wore off, because I knew if I stayed one more night with both of us knowing, feeling, wanting it… The first time I’d tried obliviating Regulus was after he’d seen us running about with Full Moon Moony. He accused me of becoming the Grim from carnal desire for Moony. From anger I confessed the truth instead of lying. Padfoot existed to protect Regulus as much as Moony. The last time, we were playing that boardgame he was developing with Xeno Lovegood, to see whether someone other than them understood their rules. It can be a long game, so we set up on my bed because it was the largest comfortable place in the house where we wouldn’t be disturbed. Everything was normal like when we were younger until our fingers touched while reaching for the same game pieces.” Sirius hooked one finger then all of them with James’ in a dorky playful tangle. “See? Nothing erotic when we do it. With him, there was a zingy tingling spark that went right through me. We both made this involuntary hormonal noise. Our eyes met. He looked…I wanted so badly to push him down under me, put my mouth on his, then lower, and then-Is that the “it” you think we ought to talk about?”
“No. Not, uhh. I originally thought maybe talking about it might maybe help stop you thinking about it but, uh, uh-hm, that… Shit, Sirius.”
“Talking about it makes me think about it. Worse yet, thinking about makes me regret that I only took preventative action. Now he’s gone, it’s more difficult to remember why I resisted. That’s why I hate tedium, Prongs. During school I’d say: “I’m bored,” and you’d torment Snape to entertain me. We did horrible things to an already abused, impoverished boy, so I could focus on that instead of erotic thoughts about Regulus. Regulus knew. Abstaining and being an arsehole he could hate were the healthiest ways to express my unhealthy love for him.”
Without giving James a chance to respond, Sirius distracted him by reaching for the empty cider bottle while flicking his other wrist enough to release his wand from the long pocket in his sleeve into his palm and pointing it at the greatest friend he’d ever know and applying the Obliviate charm. “Sorry Prongs, but that conversation benefits no-one.” He searched James for the invisibility cloak then sagged to his knees from relief when he found it. He’d deal with Peter in similar fashion later. All Order members underwent some level of Auror training. Although technically a Dark Art, memory charms made it difficult for Death Eaters to report back. Sirius was now adept. He extracted the conversation from James’ memory and buried the wispy residue in the ground. In his near panic, he forgot to remove the memory he’d described to James. Each time he remembered it, he resolved to extract and destroy it, yet never did because in that moment Regulus had been unable to disguise that everything Sirius felt was mutual.
~~~
Sirius did not feel lighter after unburdening himself then removing all traces of that sharing that burden with his friends. Having learned that alcohol in excess led to wallowing rather than suppression, he gave up drinking, aside from a single wine with dinner, to prevent blurting such truths again.
In what felt like no time he was best man at James and Lily’s wedding then godfather to their son-born the same day as Frank and Alice Longbottom’s boy Neville-then asked to be the Potter family’s Secret Keeper because they’d been forced into hiding by some prophecy Lord Voldemort interpreted to mean baby Harry was the primary threat to his existence.
“Given his ceaseless touting of Pureblood supremacy, you’d reckon he’d target Neville,” said Adrian Prewett during an Order meeting. His sister Molly’s youngest son was a few months older than Harry and Neville, and she was already brewing Weasley child seven. “This proves he doesn’t believe his own nonsense. Why haven’t more of his followers abandoned him?”
“His nonsense is an excuse for their atrocities,” said Sirius. “Abandoning Voldemort’s service tends to end in being murdered. The Dark Mark is a lifetime contract.”
“It’s cursed into their skin as well as branded on. He can use it to hunt them down directly if he chooses,” said Moody. Alastor was missing more body parts since the previous meeting he’d attended. His partner had died protecting a Death Eater who’d tried to defect. “None of the Death Eaters we’ve rounded up have claimed responsibility for Black’s death, and they’ve all been happy to gloat about those they have killed or tortured. A few blame the Order, Sirius specifically, insisting Regulus was loyal to the cause despite arguing against some of the methods used.”
“I’m going to have to decline,” Sirius told James and Dumbledore-who would be the Secret’s Binder.
“I don’t trust anyone more than you,” said James.
“Which is the main reason I’ll be the first person they’ll target. Throw in my Death Eater family connections and the probability that they’ll torture me for or offer details of my brother’s death, and I’m a liability.”
“Lily said you might say that. Remus will be her first back up choice because she refuses to involve Petunia, but…”
Rumours of a spy among the Order had several people murmuring suspicion of Moony without any substantial proof. It was enough to cast doubt amongst his closest friends, except Lily-who outright refused to believe it, but she’d refused to acknowledge Severus Snape’s gitness for most of school-and Peter, who was outraged on Moony’s behalf when Sirius and James mentioned the murmurs. None of them dare raise the topic directly with Moony because they didn’t want to believe it or accidentally make it true.
Sirius told James and Dumbledore that Peter was the perfect choice for Secret Keeper. “No-one outside of us would consider him an option.”
James agreed.
It was the worst mutual decision they’d ever made.
“Try asking a different question,” Prongs suggested after trying to contact Regulus on Sirius’ behalf. He hadn’t even managed a spot of light.
“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?” Nada.
“You do know what that means, right?” Prongs asked.
“We were forced to be fluent in Deutsch, English, French, and Latin by the age of nine. Our family motto is in French. So, yes Prongs, I know it doesn’t mean “Did you drop my cheese on the couch, you git?” It’s a joke, James, an incest in-joke because our parents are cousins. Why should everyone but us get to make fun of that?”
During the following Order of the Pheonix meeting, James asked Alastor Moody what it meant when a Patronus refused to send a message.
“Either the caster is useless or the recipient’s dead,” Moody said bluntly.
“How would a Patronus know that?” Peter asked.
“Same way it knows where a live recipient is. The communication version establishes a magical connection during casting. Can’t connect to what doesn’t exist.”
“What doesn’t exist?” Lily Evans asked, arriving late with Remus after their data-gathering among Muggle relatives.
“My brother,” Sirius replied. Lily’s empathetic grief was a relief. Sirius could remain moderately detached instead of either completely shutting down or bleating hysterically in front of his friends and the Order. He would probably alternate between the two for a while whenever he was alone. The Marauders had no idea how to react to the situation since they could never accurately judge the level of estrangement between the brothers. “Think Xeno would care to know?” Sirius asked James.
“He’d like to know his sleeves are safe,” Peter quipped.
“Fuck you, Pettigrew,” Sirius barked angrily.
Peter held back a retort, narrowed his eyes, and turned away.
~~~
Xenophilius never expected this visitor, although the news Sirius imparted was not entirely surprising. “Suspected so when your family’s House Elf brought by the game we made with no accompanying correspondence. Who killed him? He’s too arrogant and attached to permanently disentangle himself from you. Regulus was equally repulsed as enthralled. You each waited for the other to cross the line so it would be the other’s fault.”
“His death had nothing to do with that.”
“How could it not? Every aspect of his life had to do with that.”
“He wanted out of the Death Eaters. They must have suspected and killed him.”
“I heard rumours that Regulus refused to perform Unforgiveable Curses or cause deaths by other means. Keeping his soul intact provides a chance of reuniting with you through the arch, beyond the veil, in the next turn of the wheel, whichever form of spiritual afterlife may exist. Death Eaters aren’t renowned for tolerating disobedience.”
“Fucking him wouldn’t have stopped him becoming a Death Eater. He wouldn’t be any less dead. Do you honestly believe he could live with the result had we succumbed?”
“I believe you couldn’t, and that Regulus could not have lived with that. Regulus was incapable of ignoring you, particularly when he believed he was succeeding at it. I tried to liberate him from that, and his Tujor Pur fanaticism, but couldn’t tolerate it anymore. If I’d remained his friend, Regulus might not have become a Death Eater.”
“He set fire to you. No-one blames you for ending the friendship. If he’d been Sorted into Ravenclaw he might not have become a Death Eater. We could assuage our guilt through vandalism and go trash the Hat for putting him in Slytherin.”
“The stupid destructive behaviour that followed our friendship’s demise led me to wonder whether Regulus had been seduced by Creepy Crouch.”
“That maggot?”
“Seduced or ensorcelled,” Xeno added. “Regulus was never properly able to answer why he preferred you.”
“Perhaps you never asked correctly. We eliminated external magical causes after exhaustive research, some of which you probably contributed considering Regulus trusted you and you know so much. Perhaps all we needed was a much broader social circle in which to find the combination of qualities we admired, without the character flaws that irritated us, and then we wouldn’t prefer each other. How long before he set fire to you had you known?”
“From almost the moment he understood how he felt. I never understood the attraction. I thought you were an awful person and a worse brother for admitting it was mutual. I never expected the lie to cause more damage than the truth. Or for the truth I told to be more damaging than that.”
“You did more to protect my brother from my parents and the Death Eaters surrounding him than I did. Regulus restricted his interactions to those our parents deemed acceptable.” Sirius paused. Xeno made no effort to fill the gap. “The most horrendous aspect of our situation is that our mother would have endorsed it had one of us been a daughter. Nothing would have made her happier.”
Xeno felt deeper remorse over his last remarks to Regulus. He had nothing to offer Sirius.
“Enjoy the boardgame, Xeno. Creating it with you made Regulus the happiest, most content I’ve ever seen him.”
“Thank you for coming to tell me directly, Sirius. Sincere condolences for your loss.”
It was the only conversation they’d had.
~~~
The Marauders expected relief or angry bouts of excessive mourning given what they knew about Padfoot.
“Why?” Lily asked James as they walked home after an evening out together without their friends. James confided. “Since when?” Lily asked, not prepared to believe it. James approximated based on the conversation Wormtail overheard between Padfoot and Moony. “The sexy protective necklace?” Dread weighed down Lily’s words.
“Oh ho!” James declared in the manner of Horace Slughorn. “So you considered my best friend sexy!”
“Only three people at Hogwarts didn’t,” Lily said with a scoff. “Even Petunia had a hormonal meltdown over Sirius the last time she came with my parents to meet me at the Express. Absolutely hated herself for it and went in search of the staunchest, Muggliest Muggle in Britain. Unfortunately, she recently found him.” Lily fell silent. James didn’t know how to respond. “You shouldn’t have told me,” Lily said eventually. “I’ll be constantly monitoring myself to ensure I don’t behave differently toward him or allude to it. How awful for them.”
James took hold of Lily’s hand. “I told you because you are the most compassionate and just person I will ever know. I would still be a complete berk if not for your influence. I need your help to carry this burden on my best friend’s behalf while supporting him in his grief.”
“Do you think Sirius could ever consider a relationship with a Muggle?”
“He would have to be an extraordinarily creative Muggle. Regulus is equal to you and Severus in unique magical ability. Your former friend’s stems from anger, fear, and hatred. This thing between Sirius and Regulus-horrible and immoral though it is-inspired some amazing magic because there was love behind it. Not only for the recipient of the result, but for magic itself. The Marauders Map is based on something Sirius and Regulus created together to help them hide from their least favourite relatives and houseguests.”
“What’s that?” asked Lily.
James explained, with gusto, the spells and processes used to fabricate the Map. Lily was suitably impressed.
~~~
Wormtail asked Moony if he was definitely alright with Lily marrying Prongs.
“James can love Lily in all the ways I can’t, not in good conscience. Lily can never live as happily or comfortably with me as she can with practically anyone else.”
“Shouldn’t Lily be the one to decide that?” Wormtail asked.
“She as, hence-”
“After you turned her down three times! Don’t look to Sirius for affirmation, Remus. We both know he’ll prioritise James’ desires over-”
Sirius interjected. “Who in this room has direct experience of the physical agonies and psychological anguish associated with lycanthopy? Only one - Remus. Moony, if we managed to procure a Time-turner and could prevent your infection, would you choose to remain a werewolf?”
“No,” Moony replied solidly and without hesitation.
“Moony has made the sensible, mature choice, as has Miss Evans, Peter. Don’t denigrate it. You’ve no idea how difficult it is denying how intensely you love someone.”
“In your instance it was necessary. We’re all aware that if either Remus or Severus had the courage to be honest with Lily at Hogwarts, she may have chosen either over James!”
Sirius glared accusingly at Remus. Peter deliberately stood between them.
“Remus didn’t tell us until after your brother died, and we knew long before then. We don’t know how or when it started but, Merlin’s knob Sirius, you can’t compare your situation to Moony’s.”
“Correct, Peter, because I can’t impregnate someone and pass on my affliction to my partner and a child.”
“Your partner was already afflicted,” Remus quipped reflexively and immediately apologised.
“It’s fine, Moony. I’ll no doubt be in the mood to find that amusing later. As long as you answered honestly when Wormtail asked if you’re alright.”
“Since knowing I am a werewolf, Lily and I are both entirely satisfied with our decisions.”
Wormtail assessed Moony’s expression and body language, then nodded his acceptance of that statement as fact. Sirius clasped Moony’s shoulder in solidarity and offered his hand to Wormtail in conciliation.
“We both want to protect Moony from heartbreak. History has proven I tend to prioritise Prongs over the rest of us, but not in this. We each love Lily in individual ways and want her as a Marauder, regardless of who she’s with.”
Peter hadn’t forgiven Sirius for putting Remus in danger in highschool. Sirius harboured no resentment against Peter for it since they agreed Remus had forgiven Sirius too swiftly. They were also united in their opinion of Lily Evans, so Peter did not argue further.
~~~
The Order of the Phoenix meeting ended with an impromptu engagement party at the Hog’s Head in Hogsmeade after Dumbledore heard that Alice Fortescue had accepted Frank Longbottom’s marriage proposal while helping Alice study for her Auror exam. The happy couple were both older than the Marauders. Alice had been a prefect the year before Lily and Remus received badges, and Frank had been in seventh when they were first years. Oleander Greengrass was the only Slytherin in the Order, indirectly related to both Sirius and Frank since her maternal grandmother was a Longbottom and her Paternal grandmother a Black. There was unanimous joy. Sirius was in a ridiculously flirty mood. Peter grabbed him by the arm once Sirius came out of the lavatory.
“Stop using Remus as a substitute for Regulus,” Peter said in a low, angry voice.
Sirius took a swig from the drink he’d left on the shelf by the lavvy door. He stepped away then turned back and leaned close with a hand on Peter’s shoulder to whisper at his ear. “You get that I wanted to fuck Regulus, don’t you Peter? Bend him over things and pound him until he started clawing furniture and begging me to cum up him. Remus does not fit in that scenario, ergo not in any way, shape, or form, a substitute for Regulus. If anyone could be, I wouldn’t have had to move out. Although I’d still have wanted to.” Sirius chugged the remainder of his drink then flirted his way to the bar for another to take outside. He’d never said that aloud before, had never acknowledged it as a statement of fact, merely subconscious fantasy. Merlin’s tits, he was insane!
Prongs found him leaning against the Shrieking Shack, picking the label from his almost full bottle of alcoholic cider. “So, ahm, want to talk about it?” Prongs asked.
“Absolutely not.” Sirius handed the bottle to Prongs and began walking away.
“Sirius,” Prongs called after him and followed. “I want to help you.”
“You have, as much as anyone outside the situation can. We managed to not become totally abhorrent.” Sirius shrugged. “Best possible outcome.”
“He’s been dead for…hasn’t it…?” James floundered.
“Died with him?” Sirius suggested. James nodded. “Alas not.” He accepted the bottle back from James and resumed picking at the label rather than drinking. “Although it might if you three stopped discussing and alluding to it.” He looked up and saw James had become overwhelmed with sadness and concern on his behalf. Sirius shrugged again. “We tried everything, James. Avoidance, lies, behavioural changes, magical memory modification, geographical distance.” Sirius looked down at the remnants of shredded label caught in his fingernails. “Dying,” Sirius added in a murmur. He staunchly avoided looking at James again. “What if Death Eaters didn’t kill my brother? What if Regulus did it to get away? What if he’s supernaturally tethered to me because I can’t let go?”
James slid the bottle from Sirius’ hands. “No more booze for you. Ever, if it gets you this maudlin.” James tipped the cider onto the grass while he continued talking. “If Regulus topped himself to permanently break all connections to you, he’d have let you know-in vindictive, bitter detail-of his intention to do so, so you would suffer more. Because, like you, your brother is a vindictive arsehole.”
“Regulus was my brother?” Sirius exclaimed with melodramatic surprise, hand to heart, eyes wide. “Why didn’t somebody say so? If someone had informed us, we’d never have wanted to screw my bulb into his socket! Are you and Peter determined to know the graphic details of our lustful thoughts? We never acted on it, but that doesn’t stop it being filthy pornographic stuff. Even now, you’re preparing to laugh it off like it’s a stupid, exaggerated joke. It isn’t! Your horny thoughts about Lily are playground kisses in comparison, butterflies to my vultures. I came to live with you after another memory charm I cast on Regulus wore off, because I knew if I stayed one more night with both of us knowing, feeling, wanting it… The first time I’d tried obliviating Regulus was after he’d seen us running about with Full Moon Moony. He accused me of becoming the Grim from carnal desire for Moony. From anger I confessed the truth instead of lying. Padfoot existed to protect Regulus as much as Moony. The last time, we were playing that boardgame he was developing with Xeno Lovegood, to see whether someone other than them understood their rules. It can be a long game, so we set up on my bed because it was the largest comfortable place in the house where we wouldn’t be disturbed. Everything was normal like when we were younger until our fingers touched while reaching for the same game pieces.” Sirius hooked one finger then all of them with James’ in a dorky playful tangle. “See? Nothing erotic when we do it. With him, there was a zingy tingling spark that went right through me. We both made this involuntary hormonal noise. Our eyes met. He looked…I wanted so badly to push him down under me, put my mouth on his, then lower, and then-Is that the “it” you think we ought to talk about?”
“No. Not, uhh. I originally thought maybe talking about it might maybe help stop you thinking about it but, uh, uh-hm, that… Shit, Sirius.”
“Talking about it makes me think about it. Worse yet, thinking about makes me regret that I only took preventative action. Now he’s gone, it’s more difficult to remember why I resisted. That’s why I hate tedium, Prongs. During school I’d say: “I’m bored,” and you’d torment Snape to entertain me. We did horrible things to an already abused, impoverished boy, so I could focus on that instead of erotic thoughts about Regulus. Regulus knew. Abstaining and being an arsehole he could hate were the healthiest ways to express my unhealthy love for him.”
Without giving James a chance to respond, Sirius distracted him by reaching for the empty cider bottle while flicking his other wrist enough to release his wand from the long pocket in his sleeve into his palm and pointing it at the greatest friend he’d ever know and applying the Obliviate charm. “Sorry Prongs, but that conversation benefits no-one.” He searched James for the invisibility cloak then sagged to his knees from relief when he found it. He’d deal with Peter in similar fashion later. All Order members underwent some level of Auror training. Although technically a Dark Art, memory charms made it difficult for Death Eaters to report back. Sirius was now adept. He extracted the conversation from James’ memory and buried the wispy residue in the ground. In his near panic, he forgot to remove the memory he’d described to James. Each time he remembered it, he resolved to extract and destroy it, yet never did because in that moment Regulus had been unable to disguise that everything Sirius felt was mutual.
~~~
Sirius did not feel lighter after unburdening himself then removing all traces of that sharing that burden with his friends. Having learned that alcohol in excess led to wallowing rather than suppression, he gave up drinking, aside from a single wine with dinner, to prevent blurting such truths again.
In what felt like no time he was best man at James and Lily’s wedding then godfather to their son-born the same day as Frank and Alice Longbottom’s boy Neville-then asked to be the Potter family’s Secret Keeper because they’d been forced into hiding by some prophecy Lord Voldemort interpreted to mean baby Harry was the primary threat to his existence.
“Given his ceaseless touting of Pureblood supremacy, you’d reckon he’d target Neville,” said Adrian Prewett during an Order meeting. His sister Molly’s youngest son was a few months older than Harry and Neville, and she was already brewing Weasley child seven. “This proves he doesn’t believe his own nonsense. Why haven’t more of his followers abandoned him?”
“His nonsense is an excuse for their atrocities,” said Sirius. “Abandoning Voldemort’s service tends to end in being murdered. The Dark Mark is a lifetime contract.”
“It’s cursed into their skin as well as branded on. He can use it to hunt them down directly if he chooses,” said Moody. Alastor was missing more body parts since the previous meeting he’d attended. His partner had died protecting a Death Eater who’d tried to defect. “None of the Death Eaters we’ve rounded up have claimed responsibility for Black’s death, and they’ve all been happy to gloat about those they have killed or tortured. A few blame the Order, Sirius specifically, insisting Regulus was loyal to the cause despite arguing against some of the methods used.”
“I’m going to have to decline,” Sirius told James and Dumbledore-who would be the Secret’s Binder.
“I don’t trust anyone more than you,” said James.
“Which is the main reason I’ll be the first person they’ll target. Throw in my Death Eater family connections and the probability that they’ll torture me for or offer details of my brother’s death, and I’m a liability.”
“Lily said you might say that. Remus will be her first back up choice because she refuses to involve Petunia, but…”
Rumours of a spy among the Order had several people murmuring suspicion of Moony without any substantial proof. It was enough to cast doubt amongst his closest friends, except Lily-who outright refused to believe it, but she’d refused to acknowledge Severus Snape’s gitness for most of school-and Peter, who was outraged on Moony’s behalf when Sirius and James mentioned the murmurs. None of them dare raise the topic directly with Moony because they didn’t want to believe it or accidentally make it true.
Sirius told James and Dumbledore that Peter was the perfect choice for Secret Keeper. “No-one outside of us would consider him an option.”
James agreed.
It was the worst mutual decision they’d ever made.