Potterfic - Rend and Weep - Blackcest
Title: Rend and Weep, Fraternal Tears AO3
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Regulus/Sirius
Rating: M
Words: 6189
Warnings: incest, underage, canon character deaths,
Disclaimer: characters created/owned by JK Rowling
Summary: becoming a Gryffindor causes a break in the brotherly bond. The brothers go too far in trying to repair it. Sirius swears each time will be the last, they will go no further. Regulus hopes and fears that’s true when Sirius runs away--but it isn't.
Rend and Weep, Fraternal Tears
This wasn’t the first time but Sirius would make damn certain it was the last. The brightness in his brother’s eyes was tarnished by the usual confusion and shame when this happened.
“Why climb into my bed at all if it’s so disgraceful? You instigate this Sirius, you!”
“I’m sorry, I know. It’s my fault for loving you too much, or not enough, to know when to stop. This torment you feel should be mine, only mine. I promise to leave you alone.” It hurt to say and was far more painful to put into practice but Sirius had to succeed this time, before anyone but Regulus discovered the true Blackness of his soul. He tenderly sponged the mess from his brother’s body, having fetched clean sheets and warm soapy water after crying all over Regulus for what he’d done. “This is my problem, my curse. I’m sorry for inflicting it on you.”
“So it’s wrong that we like it.”
“It’s my fault you let me and like it. Things I’ve said to justify my misbehaviour have convinced you…”
“You sound like that prefect you maraud with, the werewolf one.”
The sponge paused. Sirius’ other hand cupped his brother’s face and he kissed him on the lips. “Only you know all my secrets.”
“I haven’t told.”
The sponging resumed. “See? You’re afraid of me. I’m supposed to be your protector, not your predator. I'm what’s wrong with us. I’m the, the pervert and you’re the victim. My victim.”
Regulus put his hand behind Sirius’ neck and pulled him forward so their brows touched. Sirius let his tears contaminate his brother’s cheeks. Only Regulus loved him unconditionally and Sirius betrayed that love every time they came home from Hogwarts.
“If you hate this, why do you do it?” Regulus asked gently. “Why do you look at me one way before and during…?”
“Don’t say it.”
“It isn’t sex Sirius. I know what that is.”
“No, and it must never become that.”
“Do you hate me for not turning you away?” Regulus whispered.
Sirius closed both arms around his brother lover and breathed with him. How could he explain that proximity to the perfect son he could never be was all that made him complete? His friends were fun and wonderful but also served to remind him of what was broken at home. As Regulus matured, the more Sirius privately admired his academic intelligence, athleticism and quiet confidence. The majority of Sirius’ arrogance was bluff, although only Regulus and Prongs knew that. He’d expected Moony and Wormtail to have figured that out by now but came to realise they were too tightly wrapped in their own insecurity blankets. He knew Regulus deliberately became his opposite in myriad ways-obedience and Slytherin being the main two-but the resolve and affection behind it only made Sirius love, want, and need him even more. “I love you for accepting me,” he assured him.
“I hate this blend of horror and guilt you paint us with,” Regulus admitted. “But I love you too, being close to you.”
“Whole,” Sirius breathed the word like a prayer.
“Yes.”
Almost whole, but not quite. Sirius kept that amendment to himself. He was eighteen months older and needed more from Regulus than a younger brother should ever be expected to give. He would go to James. Padfoot and Prongs were how brothers should be. Even when he shared a bed with James, Sirius felt no urge to grunt and rut on top of him, holding James between his hands, kissing, touching, and coming in disgrace. Once Sirius learned to be a proper brother he could come home and release Regulus from this prison Sirius had built.
“I love you,” he told Regulus and then said it again with a kiss as evidence. He crawled over his brother’s lap so Regulus angled onto his back to accommodate Sirius’ weight. One last time. Just so Regulus knew Sirius wasn’t running away from him. “I could never hate you for letting me love you the only way I know how.”
###
Mother sent Regulus upstairs when Sirius didn’t come down to breakfast. The door was locked. Regulus was in Fourth Year and not allowed to perform magic at home, not even a simple ‘alohamora’ so Kreacher was first discover Sirius had left after…during the night. The Potters’ house elf arrived before tea and announced that Sirius would not be returning to Grimmauld Place. There was no addendum to the message.
Regulus felt empty, broken, discarded.
Yet he couldn’t hate Sirius.
It had started when he was nine. The night before Sirius would catch the Hogwarts Express for the first time he slunk into Regulus’ room and then snuck into his bed. “I’m scared,” Sirius said simply and they’d hugged for comfort. Regulus was scared too. They didn’t always get along. What if Sirius only remembered the things he didn’t like about Regulus? Sirius worried that Regulus wouldn’t want him to come home. They’d never been apart for as long as they were about to be and spent hours cuddling and whispering their fears before Sirius returned to his room. They held hands walking along crowded, bustling platform 9 ¾ and said goodbye. Everything changed. Andromeda, Bella and Cissy brought Sirius home for Christmas because Mother refused to collect a Gryffindor from the station. The brothers were forbidden from greeting each other, speaking or making eye contact but the Hogwarts Sorting Hat had already proven Mother could not control Sirius. He crept into Regulus’ room the first night he was home.
“Do you hate me?” asked Sirius.
“No.”
“Then why don’t you write back?”
“Letters you send turn to ash the moment they enter property boundaries. I’m not permitted writing equipment unless it’s to study and I’m fully supervised.” Home-schooling without Sirius’ sneaky and cheeky asides was the lowlight of Regulus’ days.
“I miss you,” Sirius told him.
Regulus bolted across the room to hug his big brother. “I miss you too.”
Sirius hugged him close and began to babble excitedly about his life at Hogwarts. “Not sure yet, but I think one of my roommates is a werewolf.”
“Oh pew!”
“No, he’s really nice. Doesn’t stink or anything, that’s why I’m not sure. Everything else fits.”
“Tell me again about Clearly Legless Dick.”
“About that,” Sirius said with a grin that meant he’d been lying earlier. He told Regulus the Gryffindor ghost’s actual nickname. They spent hours cuddled up in Regulus’ bed each night, talking. Then Sirius was gone again and didn’t return until summer. By then he was completely different. He openly rebelled against Mother and being a Black and completely ignored Regulus for more than a week. Sirius would take off without permission, meeting another dark-haired wizard outside. Regulus saw them from his bedroom window and raised his hand to wave when Sirius turned his way. Sirius made an incredibly vile gesture then ran away laughing with his bespectacled friend. Regulus watched his brother disappear from view, went across the narrow hall, and carved ‘I HATE YOU’ into Sirius’ bedroom door before going downstairs and being the good boy Sirius would never be.
Regulus didn’t know his brother had come home until he went up to bed and saw Sirius standing, staring at his door, fingers treating the marks of vandalism like prickle rash on his skin. Sirius turned when he heard the turn of Regulus’ doorknob.
“I hate leaving you behind, pretending we’re nothing when I’m home. But I guess that won’t be a problem now, will it?” He was so sad instead of angry and Regulus felt horrible for hurting the brother who would always hold out his hand to help him walk, to hurry him along, or simply make sure Regulus was included in any game Sirius played with their older cousins. “Come on Regulus,” he would say. The emphasis changed according to his mood but the words were always the same.
Regulus was ten now, Sirius still eleven until autumn turned him twelve. Regulus held out one hand to this stranger who looked like his brother. “Welcome home Sirius,” he said. “I’ve missed you.” Their hands touched and the cruel words disappeared from one door as they walked through the other.
Summer days were spent ignoring each other as they’d been instructed to do but unless Sirius spent the night at his friend’s house, the brothers whispered and held hands until Sirius returned to bed so they wouldn’t be caught fraternising. Sirius kissed Regulus on the cheek the night before he began Second Year at Hogwarts.
“One more year and we’ll be at Hogwarts together,” Sirius said excitedly. Then he was gone again. He never said goodbye. Regulus didn’t know why.
Sirius came home for Christmas and although he ignored Regulus during his first day back, he hopped into bed with him that night. They huddled together beneath the copious covers and talked every night that Sirius was home. It was the same at Easter and during the summer, only with fewer blankets on the bed.
“I hope I’m in Gryffindor with you.” Regulus wanted to meet the surprisingly ordinary werewolf and see Sirius every day without getting in trouble.
“You can’t. Imagine how furious Mother will be if you’re not in Slytherin.”
She’d blame Sirius and they’d both be in worse trouble.
“I thought Mother would let us start talking again by now,” Sirius admitted. “Do you know what it’s like to miss you so much while you’re right in front of me?” He cupped Regulus’ cheek and chin within one palm then kissed him on the lips. “We won’t be able to visit during the night at Hogwarts. Seeing you at school is going to be hell.”
Sirius kissed Regulus every night they spent at home but only on the forehead and cheek. Once Regulus turned thirteen Sirius would kiss him on the mouth and neck instead, soft and brief becoming long and messy as Regulus reached fourteen. Then Sirius began touching him while they kissed. He bullied Regulus in front of his friends or ignored him yet he’d creep into Regulus’ bed at Grimmauld Place to cuddle and talk then snog while fondling their hard dicks together.
“Come on Regulus,” he’d grunt pleadingly while frantically frotting on top of him, only to sob and apologise once the deed was done.
Regulus didn’t understand how his brother could be so cruel and loving at the same time. Neither did Sirius, which made it all the more confusing.
“I’m the worst of the Blacks. You have to remain the best, Regulus.”
“If I’m so grand then why are you so horrid to me at Hogwarts?”
“I have to be. I love you too much. If anyone knew…”
Regulus knew all of Sirius’ secrets, the good and the bad. He knew why there were Muggle trollops permanently stuck to his brother’s walls and that there were two reasons Sirius learned to become a dog. Scratch marks on his door proved that the different shape didn’t stop his brother being lonely, although it did stop him being... Yet the dog couldn’t talk back to Regulus. When Regulus needed him to become Sirius again… In the end the transformation served the werewolf better than the brother and Sirius gave up being Padfoot at home.
Guilt didn’t stop Sirius sliding between Regulus’ sheets, into his pyjamas, and between his legs. Shame didn’t stop Regulus letting him.
Last night, after Sirius so carefully tidied the sordid mess they’d made, they tried talking the way they used to. But Regulus ended up flat on his back again-still naked from before-as Sirius kissed excuses down his clean torso then sucked him off. It had been horribly incredible. Sirius said words like sorry and stop, promise and love, can’t and won’t. After rubbing off against Regulus and coming on him again, he cuddled them close together and burrowed his face into the curve of Regulus’ shoulder. He’d murmured “I want to fuck you,” through a choke hold of tears and then he was gone.
Utterly gone. Off to live with the Potters.
And Regulus was lost.
###
Sirius didn’t want to explain why he’d run away.
“His abominable family is reason enough,” James told his parents. Sirius nodded silently, knowing he was the worst abomination of the lot. Prongs regularly said so without realising it was true. He’d soothe Moony’s Muggle-Mudblood insecurities by saying “at least your ancestors aren’t incestuous pervs like the Slytherins, Gaunts, Blacks and some of mine way back. Black will be the next family to become extinct along the male line.” Prongs meant it as a joke but only because he didn’t know. Moony wasn’t the only Marauder with hideous secrets.
That’s why Sirius ran away, to protect Regulus and save himself. Each term at Hogwarts convinced him he was strong enough to resist whatever the Horcrux was wrong with him but then he’d get home and hump Regulus while fantasising about going further, getting closer, deep inside him so they’d never be separate again. This year would be different. Sirius lived with the Potters now. He had no reason or opportunity to return to Grimmauld Place. Regulus would be safe and Sirius could, hopefully, become sane.
He felt the change, the alleviation of Blackness, but then he saw Regulus, heard that voice, or merely sensed his brother’s presence and darkness would descend in the form of inappropriate lust. Openly bullying his brother masked his true reaction. It did not stop although for almost a year he successfully kept it chained.
Regulus was fifteen, growing up, filled out across the shoulders, and flirting with other people-including Moony. Sirius couldn’t bear it. After a quidditch match where Slytherin beat Gryffindor, Sirius used allegations of cheating to confront his brother. He caught Regulus by the hair and hauled him into a classroom. After so long not speaking to each other he didn’t know what to say. Without letting go of Regulus’ hair, Sirius kissed him fully with an open mouth. Regulus pushed him away and glared at him.
“How dare you? After leaving me alone with your secrets. You have no right.”
“You’re my brother and I have every right.” Sirius felt the possessive rumble in his voice. He liked it.
“Potter’s your brother now. Go fuck him.”
Horror, horror, horror. Sirius let go and stepped back. “That-that’s not…” Horror, horror, horror.
“You LEFT ME! I made the choices you told me to because I trusted and loved you, and you abandoned me!”
“I didn’t mean to. My aim was to help you, not break your heart.” Sirius hoped Regulus wouldn’t push his arms away as he tried to hug him. Regulus remained unresponsive in his embrace but then finally hugged him back. His cheek was wet with silent tears and Sirius kissed him there. Just like he would kiss Moony or Prongs, and that was good. “I won’t,” he choked on the rest of the promise and kissed the other tear-stained cheek. “I won’t,” he repeated softly while kissing the trail of sorrow down the side of his brother’s neck until it became lost in his shirt collar. He stopped and their eyes met. “I won’t stop loving you.”
Then they kissed like before, mouths gently seeking supplication, affirmation, and affection. It went no further. There was no touching, frotting, or rutting. This was progress. Sirius was relieved.
###
Regulus should have known, it would come to this, eventually, after closing the rift, Sirius would contrive, to be alone, so they could gradually, increase their intimacy, a little each time, until now, Sirius moved inside him, deep, where no one had gone, no one should go, between his legs, as he sat on a desk. Sirius standing, fucking, fucking, and Regulus refusing, to turn him away, to reject him, destroy him, for loving Regulus too much, or not enough, to stop, what they both knew, was wrong.
“Love me,” Regulus grunted in time to Sirius’ thrusts. “Love me,” from deep in his throat, building into a staccato crescendo as Sirius swivelled, shuddered, and spilled inside him. Black to Black, impossible to get purer than that, yet it was wrong. It was obvious in the way they disengaged and arranged themselves.
Their posture and proximity were merely suggestive of compromise when Regulus heard the door open behind Sirius-or did it close? Regulus couldn’t be sure since Sirius hugged him closer and kissed his neck, then his mouth.
“Of course I love you,” Sirius told him softly, sweetly. “Even if we didn’t…we don’t have to be like this anymore. We can find a way to be normal brothers again, like we were, without Mother knowing.”
Regulus heard that promise every time. He always hoped it was true and yet…he was equally reluctant to break the remaining bond he had with Sirius, warped as it had become.
###
The pallor of his younger brother’s complexion terrified Sirius. What insult had Mother sent him through the morning post?
“Severus saw,” Regulus hissed at him. “He knows how closely we remain in contact.”
“So? No one will believe Snivellus.” Especially once the Marauders pummelled him so purple no amount of Essence of Dittany would soothe the bruising.
“The werewolf seemed to.”
“You mean the wizard you found cute enough to openly flirt with until I told you he was a werewolf.”
“I’m sure Severus was talking to Lupin about us. The way they looked at me.” Regulus cringed, overwhelmed by the compost of confusion, horror, fear, shame, and need for forgiveness that Sirius had piled upon him.
“I’ll deal with Snivellus Snoop.”
“Lupin…”
“And Remus.”
Only there’d been no need to involve Moony. Regulus had interrupted one of Snape’s ‘pick on Lupin while he’s alone’ sessions, nothing more. Now Snivellus knew for certain that Moony was a werewolf because Sirius hadn’t dared ask “Did that slimeball tell you I fuck my brother?” or even “What were you two talking about the other day?” Regulus knew Sirius would panic when faced with exposure…
“I should have known you’d set me up!” Sirius snarled at Regulus after pulling him into the passageway hidden within the stone witch’s hump.
“Beg pardon?”
“If Snivellus saw, as you said, he would have immediately used that against me to get Evans back on side. He wouldn’t confide in a Marauder, especially not one he suspected of being a werewolf. You told him about Moony, didn’t you?” Sirius raged at him, hauling him along by the shirt collar. “You made the rest up to get back at me for leaving.”
Regulus applied a series of non-verbal spells that Father used to discipline both sons in public.
“Just like him,” Sirius said with a sneer.
“You’re worse,” Regulus countered angrily. “I didn’t make anything up. I saw them talking, they turned and saw me, and I already knew Severus saw us. He told me. That’s why he hates you Sirius. He knows you’re a pervert and offered me protection. But when I saw his expression, and Lupin’s, I panicked, alright? I lie and sneak to protect you, be near you, and in one way or another you abuse me. It has to stop before I hate you.”
But he already did. Sirius could see it. Leaving served only to make those cravings for closeness worse and now Regulus had found the strength to turn him away. Sirius left the secret tunnel and made no effort to approach Regulus for the rest of the school year.
It was like losing a limb…or a kidney.
###
“It’s for the best,” Severus assured Regulus in the weeks before Sirius would leave Hogwarts and Regulus forever. “He does this on purpose, manipulate you and then leave without saying goodbye so you’re always wondering why. Then, when it gets too much for you he pounces in to take advantage again. It’s up to you to cut him off.”
Severus knew because similar things happened in the Muggle neighbourhood his parents lived in. He hadn’t told anyone but Regulus what he’d seen, insisting investigations into such matters served to further traumatise the victims more often than not. Regulus trusted Severus since he had no romantic or physical interest in boys. There’d been a girl he thought of quite fondly, once, and his misery at divulging that minor piece of information stopped Regulus asking for details. They formed a sort of fraternal bond, much healthier than any Regulus had with Sirius, and Regulus was grateful rather than suspicious when Severus offered to correspond.
Regulus took his rejection of Sirius to extremes, striving to become everything his brother wasn’t. He filled his room with Slytherin memorabilia and purist propaganda. He crushed Potter’s Seeker stats and won every academic award he could apply for. Then he became the youngest of Lord Voldemort’s followers to be granted the Dark Mark. Bella’s pride eclipsed Mother’s and Regulus felt he and Severus were truly brothers in arms. Cissy took him aside.
“There are less lethal ways to kick that idiot Sirius in the pants. You have no idea what you’ve done.”
“Lucius…”
“Did my husband know about this?”
Regulus nodded and was surprised at how narrow Cissy’s lips became. In time he learned why. Severus and Lucius were the only Death Eaters that didn’t give Regulus the creeps. He felt safest with Severus, who had begun teaching him Occlumency at Hogwarts so he could filter out certain thoughts and memories of Sirius. They were often paired together to perform tasks for the Dark Lord and continually practiced guarding their minds. Regulus knew Severus was disgusted by Regulus’ role in his own seduction but Sirius was the one he would never forgive. Regulus did, in part. The hugs they’d shared as boys were entirely innocent. Regulus believed that wouldn’t have changed if all forms of contact hadn’t been forbidden. He felt sorry for Sirius, and himself.
The last ‘person’ he expected to befriend was Remus ‘Moony’ Lupin but once Regulus was introduced to that vile Fenrir Greyback and heard the creature bragging about what he’d done to Lupin as a child…
Severus warned him off interfering. “He’s a friend of your brother and thereby past redemption. Monsters naturally congregate…”
“Am I beyond redemption because Sirius did things to me?” Regulus asked. “I had more control over my reactions than Lupin does.”
Severus let him follow his own path with obvious regret. Regulus wished they’d been born as brothers instead.
Lupin offered to help Regulus defect as thanks for the somewhat horrible information he’d received. Truth mattered, he said, then asked if Regulus had anything to pass on to Sirius. “He misses you,” he added when Regulus hesitated.
“He misses fucking me,” Regulus spat back without thinking. Lupin’s shocked expression caused him to amend that statement. “Fucking with me. You know what he’s like.”
“Sometimes I wonder. Do you want our address?”
“Are you, are you two…?” Regulus was disgusted by how much that possibility hurt.
“Friends,” Lupin replied bluntly but with an amiable smile. “Although we may have snogged once or twice we’d both prefer to have less rowdy partners.”
Death Eater and werewolf met up a number of times so Regulus could pass on information and pretend to be spying on his blood traitor brother. Regulus and Lupin snogged a lot more than twice then they regularly did more than that.
“Sirius has changed a lot since leaving school,” Remus told Regulus while they got dressed.
“I’m not ready to face him yet.”
Remus reached out to tuck one curled finger under Regulus’ chin. “What happened?”
Regulus opened his mouth to tell him but found he couldn’t betray Sirius. For all their dedication to the Order of the Phoenix, the four Marauders had been cruel bullies at school. Regulus had no doubt they’d turn sharply on one of their own. Surely Sirius already suffered as he did…
Remus stroked his thumb across Regulus’ bottom lip. “Silence: the classic Black family response to that particular question,” he said sadly then kissed Regulus on the cheek. He wanted to help but couldn’t get involved without hurting everyone. Regulus wondered whether he loved or merely respected Remus for that. He didn’t have time to find out.
Kreacher came home to give his horrifying recount of Inferi and a Horcrux. Thank Merlin the Dark Lord underestimated non-wand bearing magical beings. Regulus made preparations to counter those of the Dark Lord, confiding in no one.
“I need to see Sirius,” he told Remus. The fake Horcrux settled in his pocket. He handled it while mentally rehearsing what he would say.
Remus agreed to take Regulus to Sirius. “Want me to wait or come in?” he asked once they passed through the protective enchantments.
Regulus said no to both. Remus left him to face his brother alone.
“What the Horcrux do you want?” Sirius asked with angry suspicion when he saw who knocked on his door. Regulus felt panic set in at the mention of Horcrux. Not even Kreacher knew what Regulus had planned. Sirius caught his arm as he turned away. “I’m not like that anymore. I’ve learned…”
“So have I Sirius.” Regulus found this harder than expected and had to force himself to look his brother in the eye. “But I’ve always had enough manners to say goodbye when I know I’m leaving.”
Sirius let go. “So it’s true then. You regret becoming a Death Eater.” Remus must have told him.
“I regret many things. Remus isn’t one of them.” Regulus felt the need to share something good from his life before it ended. “Make sure he knows that. I forgive you and apologise for my part in it. Goodbye Sirius.”
“That’s it?”
“It’s more than you’ve ever given me.” Regulus regretted saying it. “That isn’t…”
“I know. I’d offer to hide you here with me and Remus if it wouldn’t do more damage.”
“I doubt Remus would let you into bed with us, Sirius.” Perhaps the smile was too much but Regulus couldn’t help it. Remus Lupin was the only lover he’d had besides his brother. Regulus was sad to be leaving him but happy to have known him as he had. That applied to Sirius as well, aside from…
“You’re his source? Merlin’s gonads, did you have to risk dragging Remus into hell with you?”
“Why can’t you say goodbye?” Regulus demanded angrily. “Why couldn’t you, just once, say goodbye to me? Before the sun rises I’ll be dead and you just don’t give a shit. You never did. I happily go to my grave hating you and wishing I had anyone but you for a brother!” He pulled away and prepared to apparate.
“Regulus, wait!”
He didn’t.
He collected Kreacher, crossed the lake, drank the potion which blistered his oesophagus and made him face terrible truths, then let the fetid water of the lake fill his mouth, nose, ears, and lungs, forcing viler things out of him. His body might become the worst kind of slave to the Dark Lord but his heart and soul were free.
###
This blasted house! This demented home that twisted anything pure into something vile. The scene of unforgiveable breakages and betrayals…
There were still scratches on the door from the nights Sirius changed into Padfoot before going to bed, hoping that would keep him in his rightful place. The dog hadn’t needed anything from Regulus but a friendly pat on the head and a ‘good boy’. Regulus had smiled with pride at Sirius’ transformation, complimented his genius and said “Good brother.” Sirius would curl up to sleep on the floor, quite content to listen to his brother’s hopes and fears through canine ears, but whenever Regulus required a response Sirius had to change back…
Regulus hadn’t told the Death Eaters about his perverted, unregistered Animagus brother. Sirius touched the scratches Padfoot’s paws had made. That young boy had tried so hard only to have Regulus hate him more than if he’d ignored him altogether. He frowned while tapping his fingers on the scarred wood. Regulus had been old enough and more than capable to fix this before he died. Why hadn’t he?
Sirius murmured sadly as he placed protective enchantments on his brother’s room. Not even Kreacher could get in there. Shit! He’d intended to let Remus sleep in there or at least have a snoop around for any artefacts from the relationship that led Sirius to believe he was the traitor. Remus would just have to share with Sirius when the Weasleys invaded.
“Trouble sleeping?” Snape drawled in response to Sirius’ haggard appearance during the first official Order meeting. “Did putting Lupin across the hall reduce the temptation or increase it?” He never said such things in front of witnesses-living, dead, or Kreacher-which meant no one else knew.
Snape was oddly tolerant of Kreacher and Sirius made a comment about their rapport that was so pathetically juvenile even Remus winced. Snape smoothly replied that Kreacher had been a far more suitable brother for Regulus than Sirius had ever been. Sirius had no trouble responding with his usual flair until Mad-Eye mentioned delivering Harry to Grimmauld Place.
“You can’t bring Potter here with that deviant!” Snape’s acidic comment splashed everyone in the room.
Remus casually cleaned it up by saying “If that’s an objection to my relationship with Sirius then let me assure you we’ll carry on regardless.”
Snape saved his retort for when he and Sirius were alone. He began with “Which bed?” but Sirius’ limit had been crossed when Snape unintentionally involved Remus.
“Mine,” Sirius growled.
“He doesn’t know, does he?” Snape sneered. “Ensure he remains ignorant. Despite the satisfaction to be gained from seeing you castigated or even castrated, I continue to keep your brother’s confidence. Telling anyone will be akin to raping Regulus again.” Snape’s sneer deepened and his black eyes seared into Sirius’ flinching soul. “Don’t even think of uttering the word consent. He was fifteen which is under the age of consent according to both Muggle and Magical laws. Your brother may have complied but that does not alter the fact that you-raped-him. Lay a finger on Potter, breathe in his direction and I will push your smug, twisted head into your neck and out through your cock-hole then feed you to your current lover’s maker. Even Lupin deserves better than you.”
“As though changes of heart are singular to you…”
But Snape was on a roll. “I changed my mind. Alas yours is too inbred to understand the difference.”
Kreacher shuffled along between them. His mutters about blood traitors, half-bloods and the woes of his dead mistress broke the momentum of the argument and Snape left Sirius to stew in guilt.
###
The potion was poisonous and painful like the love between the brothers. Regulus felt the disconnection between body and spirit then ‘stood’ in a familiar hallway constructed from strangely dry clouds. The nearest door bore the nameplate Sirius. The door across from this had been gouged by dog claws.
“I have to choose between Sirius and Padfoot?” Regulus asked the empty air. Was it even air? “Is there another choice?”
A third door opened directly between the first two. Regulus touched the doorknob and immediately withdrew his hand. It felt like Inferus skin. “No. I don’t want to be a ghost. We loved each other the only way we knew how. We deserve to be free to move on.”
The hideously textured door disappeared to reveal the stone archway that had been hiding behind it. Regulus stepped through.
###
Fists pummelled the inside of Regulus’ bedroom door. His ghost roared angrily for Sirius to let him out. “You trapped me in here! I’m not your toy Sirius.”
Sirius woke from the nightmare and hurried across the hallway to set his brother free. There was no ghost behind the door, just as there was no bleeding beating heart beneath the floorboards of Edgar Allan Poe’s tale. Sirius stood with his hands and feet against the door arch and yelled “I left you alone for good reason you idiot! You could at least show me the same courtesy!”
He felt Remus’ hand on his shoulder. “Perhaps it’s time I give you this.”
The parchment he offered Sirius simply said ‘Thank you Remus’ and had a hand-drawn star labelled ‘Regulus’ in the bottom corner. There was no magic in it.
“Look at the back.”
Sirius turned it over and found more stars and constellations. Nothing was in its proper place. Regulus had drawn more accurate star charts when he was nine. Arcturus, Orion and Sirius had been circled. There was a message here that Sirius wasn’t seeing.
“Give it here.” Remus took the parchment back and began closing it. “Watch closely. You have to refold it in the wrong direction as well as the improper order to see two confused young men who wish they’d never been born brothers-but not because they hate each other. The distance between them becomes so great they only come together in the wrong way.” Remus held the result flat on his palm. The sets of stars that made up the brothers’ names were touching. “You need to accept that your brother loved you the same way you loved him and say goodbye.”
Remus kissed Sirius on the cheek. “You’re not that muddled boy anymore Sirius,” he assured him in a whisper and then let him be.
Sirius paused in the doorway then he entered the room, locked the door behind him, and became Padfoot. The room still smelled faintly of Regulus as Padfoot nosed about. The lack of Sirius’ own scent was comforting. He curled up nose-to-tail beside the bed and went to sleep remembering his brother’s pride in the animagus strategy. He woke as Sirius and to the realisation that Remus was right.
“Goodbye Regulus,” Sirius said then locked his brother’s door with a simple key and gave that key to Remus. He took hold of Remus’ chin between one curled forefinger and thumb. Brown eyes stared back at him without blame or disgust. “I love you,” Sirius told Remus and kissed him.
“Say Regulus was a better kisser and I’m shaving your bum while you’re asleep,” Remus quipped against Sirius’ lips. “First, last and only time I make a reference like that, and entirely in memory of Prongs. I promise.”
“He bloody would have said something like that, too.” Sirius admitted with a snort.
Remus nodded. “And then he would have helped you make better choices. Hindsight Sirius,” he said simply and Sirius knew his struggle was over.
###
He could never take more than a few steps from the archway. Sometimes Regulus heard voices whispering from the other side. Occasionally another soul would pass through. There were other archways in the distance with one, two or a group of people with hovering near them. Regulus knew time passed because other arches would appear or someone waiting disappeared after helping some new soul through.
An arch opened within the limits of the one Regulus stood guard over.
“Bollocks to this!” James Potter said as he found himself bound to his arch. He spotted Regulus. “Bugger, Padfoot. You too?” Then he realised his mistake. “Ah, baby Black. Who are you wait…?” Potter forgot his question when his wife stepped through. “Harry?” he asked desperately.
Lily Potter shrugged and the couple embraced tightly. James rocked his wife in gently swaying arcs as they stared through the arch.
Regulus sat on the groundless ground to separate himself from the anxious parents. More time passed before he leapt to his feet because the same voices rang clear through both his and Potter’s arch. He heard Lily whisper Remus in the form of a question. Potter whispered back that he didn’t think they’d been that serious. Regulus didn’t take offense. His relationship with Remus had been short, sweet and secret. Harry Potter, Sirius and Remus avoided death and their voices faded. Regulus sank back against the lining of his arch with relief. The Potters celebrated with exuberant kisses and smiles.
Their peace didn’t last long. Or so it seemed to those already dead.
A magical battle raged on the other side of both arches. They could hear flippant remarks from Sirius, Remus deceptively calm, and spells cast in the adolescent voice of Harry. A familiar laugh made the spiritual spectators smile until it was cut short. A hefty weight immediately tugged on whatever ethereal substance attached Regulus to his arch. Regulus pounced forward and wrapped an arm around his dying brother, body and all.
“Come on Sirius. I won’t let Bella turn you into a trophy.”
“Before you get too happy to see me you should probably know I’ve been fucking your boyfriend.”
Regulus laughed and caught his much, much older brother into an embrace. The arch dissolved, along with whatever bound the brothers together. Sirius grabbed Regulus by the cheeks and looked him in the eye.
“Goodbye Regulus.” He kissed Regulus on the forehead.
Regulus kissed his brother's mouth and said goodbye in return. Then Regulus moved on.
And that was the end.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Regulus/Sirius
Rating: M
Words: 6189
Warnings: incest, underage, canon character deaths,
Disclaimer: characters created/owned by JK Rowling
Summary: becoming a Gryffindor causes a break in the brotherly bond. The brothers go too far in trying to repair it. Sirius swears each time will be the last, they will go no further. Regulus hopes and fears that’s true when Sirius runs away--but it isn't.
Rend and Weep, Fraternal Tears
This wasn’t the first time but Sirius would make damn certain it was the last. The brightness in his brother’s eyes was tarnished by the usual confusion and shame when this happened.
“Why climb into my bed at all if it’s so disgraceful? You instigate this Sirius, you!”
“I’m sorry, I know. It’s my fault for loving you too much, or not enough, to know when to stop. This torment you feel should be mine, only mine. I promise to leave you alone.” It hurt to say and was far more painful to put into practice but Sirius had to succeed this time, before anyone but Regulus discovered the true Blackness of his soul. He tenderly sponged the mess from his brother’s body, having fetched clean sheets and warm soapy water after crying all over Regulus for what he’d done. “This is my problem, my curse. I’m sorry for inflicting it on you.”
“So it’s wrong that we like it.”
“It’s my fault you let me and like it. Things I’ve said to justify my misbehaviour have convinced you…”
“You sound like that prefect you maraud with, the werewolf one.”
The sponge paused. Sirius’ other hand cupped his brother’s face and he kissed him on the lips. “Only you know all my secrets.”
“I haven’t told.”
The sponging resumed. “See? You’re afraid of me. I’m supposed to be your protector, not your predator. I'm what’s wrong with us. I’m the, the pervert and you’re the victim. My victim.”
Regulus put his hand behind Sirius’ neck and pulled him forward so their brows touched. Sirius let his tears contaminate his brother’s cheeks. Only Regulus loved him unconditionally and Sirius betrayed that love every time they came home from Hogwarts.
“If you hate this, why do you do it?” Regulus asked gently. “Why do you look at me one way before and during…?”
“Don’t say it.”
“It isn’t sex Sirius. I know what that is.”
“No, and it must never become that.”
“Do you hate me for not turning you away?” Regulus whispered.
Sirius closed both arms around his brother lover and breathed with him. How could he explain that proximity to the perfect son he could never be was all that made him complete? His friends were fun and wonderful but also served to remind him of what was broken at home. As Regulus matured, the more Sirius privately admired his academic intelligence, athleticism and quiet confidence. The majority of Sirius’ arrogance was bluff, although only Regulus and Prongs knew that. He’d expected Moony and Wormtail to have figured that out by now but came to realise they were too tightly wrapped in their own insecurity blankets. He knew Regulus deliberately became his opposite in myriad ways-obedience and Slytherin being the main two-but the resolve and affection behind it only made Sirius love, want, and need him even more. “I love you for accepting me,” he assured him.
“I hate this blend of horror and guilt you paint us with,” Regulus admitted. “But I love you too, being close to you.”
“Whole,” Sirius breathed the word like a prayer.
“Yes.”
Almost whole, but not quite. Sirius kept that amendment to himself. He was eighteen months older and needed more from Regulus than a younger brother should ever be expected to give. He would go to James. Padfoot and Prongs were how brothers should be. Even when he shared a bed with James, Sirius felt no urge to grunt and rut on top of him, holding James between his hands, kissing, touching, and coming in disgrace. Once Sirius learned to be a proper brother he could come home and release Regulus from this prison Sirius had built.
“I love you,” he told Regulus and then said it again with a kiss as evidence. He crawled over his brother’s lap so Regulus angled onto his back to accommodate Sirius’ weight. One last time. Just so Regulus knew Sirius wasn’t running away from him. “I could never hate you for letting me love you the only way I know how.”
###
Mother sent Regulus upstairs when Sirius didn’t come down to breakfast. The door was locked. Regulus was in Fourth Year and not allowed to perform magic at home, not even a simple ‘alohamora’ so Kreacher was first discover Sirius had left after…during the night. The Potters’ house elf arrived before tea and announced that Sirius would not be returning to Grimmauld Place. There was no addendum to the message.
Regulus felt empty, broken, discarded.
Yet he couldn’t hate Sirius.
It had started when he was nine. The night before Sirius would catch the Hogwarts Express for the first time he slunk into Regulus’ room and then snuck into his bed. “I’m scared,” Sirius said simply and they’d hugged for comfort. Regulus was scared too. They didn’t always get along. What if Sirius only remembered the things he didn’t like about Regulus? Sirius worried that Regulus wouldn’t want him to come home. They’d never been apart for as long as they were about to be and spent hours cuddling and whispering their fears before Sirius returned to his room. They held hands walking along crowded, bustling platform 9 ¾ and said goodbye. Everything changed. Andromeda, Bella and Cissy brought Sirius home for Christmas because Mother refused to collect a Gryffindor from the station. The brothers were forbidden from greeting each other, speaking or making eye contact but the Hogwarts Sorting Hat had already proven Mother could not control Sirius. He crept into Regulus’ room the first night he was home.
“Do you hate me?” asked Sirius.
“No.”
“Then why don’t you write back?”
“Letters you send turn to ash the moment they enter property boundaries. I’m not permitted writing equipment unless it’s to study and I’m fully supervised.” Home-schooling without Sirius’ sneaky and cheeky asides was the lowlight of Regulus’ days.
“I miss you,” Sirius told him.
Regulus bolted across the room to hug his big brother. “I miss you too.”
Sirius hugged him close and began to babble excitedly about his life at Hogwarts. “Not sure yet, but I think one of my roommates is a werewolf.”
“Oh pew!”
“No, he’s really nice. Doesn’t stink or anything, that’s why I’m not sure. Everything else fits.”
“Tell me again about Clearly Legless Dick.”
“About that,” Sirius said with a grin that meant he’d been lying earlier. He told Regulus the Gryffindor ghost’s actual nickname. They spent hours cuddled up in Regulus’ bed each night, talking. Then Sirius was gone again and didn’t return until summer. By then he was completely different. He openly rebelled against Mother and being a Black and completely ignored Regulus for more than a week. Sirius would take off without permission, meeting another dark-haired wizard outside. Regulus saw them from his bedroom window and raised his hand to wave when Sirius turned his way. Sirius made an incredibly vile gesture then ran away laughing with his bespectacled friend. Regulus watched his brother disappear from view, went across the narrow hall, and carved ‘I HATE YOU’ into Sirius’ bedroom door before going downstairs and being the good boy Sirius would never be.
Regulus didn’t know his brother had come home until he went up to bed and saw Sirius standing, staring at his door, fingers treating the marks of vandalism like prickle rash on his skin. Sirius turned when he heard the turn of Regulus’ doorknob.
“I hate leaving you behind, pretending we’re nothing when I’m home. But I guess that won’t be a problem now, will it?” He was so sad instead of angry and Regulus felt horrible for hurting the brother who would always hold out his hand to help him walk, to hurry him along, or simply make sure Regulus was included in any game Sirius played with their older cousins. “Come on Regulus,” he would say. The emphasis changed according to his mood but the words were always the same.
Regulus was ten now, Sirius still eleven until autumn turned him twelve. Regulus held out one hand to this stranger who looked like his brother. “Welcome home Sirius,” he said. “I’ve missed you.” Their hands touched and the cruel words disappeared from one door as they walked through the other.
Summer days were spent ignoring each other as they’d been instructed to do but unless Sirius spent the night at his friend’s house, the brothers whispered and held hands until Sirius returned to bed so they wouldn’t be caught fraternising. Sirius kissed Regulus on the cheek the night before he began Second Year at Hogwarts.
“One more year and we’ll be at Hogwarts together,” Sirius said excitedly. Then he was gone again. He never said goodbye. Regulus didn’t know why.
Sirius came home for Christmas and although he ignored Regulus during his first day back, he hopped into bed with him that night. They huddled together beneath the copious covers and talked every night that Sirius was home. It was the same at Easter and during the summer, only with fewer blankets on the bed.
“I hope I’m in Gryffindor with you.” Regulus wanted to meet the surprisingly ordinary werewolf and see Sirius every day without getting in trouble.
“You can’t. Imagine how furious Mother will be if you’re not in Slytherin.”
She’d blame Sirius and they’d both be in worse trouble.
“I thought Mother would let us start talking again by now,” Sirius admitted. “Do you know what it’s like to miss you so much while you’re right in front of me?” He cupped Regulus’ cheek and chin within one palm then kissed him on the lips. “We won’t be able to visit during the night at Hogwarts. Seeing you at school is going to be hell.”
Sirius kissed Regulus every night they spent at home but only on the forehead and cheek. Once Regulus turned thirteen Sirius would kiss him on the mouth and neck instead, soft and brief becoming long and messy as Regulus reached fourteen. Then Sirius began touching him while they kissed. He bullied Regulus in front of his friends or ignored him yet he’d creep into Regulus’ bed at Grimmauld Place to cuddle and talk then snog while fondling their hard dicks together.
“Come on Regulus,” he’d grunt pleadingly while frantically frotting on top of him, only to sob and apologise once the deed was done.
Regulus didn’t understand how his brother could be so cruel and loving at the same time. Neither did Sirius, which made it all the more confusing.
“I’m the worst of the Blacks. You have to remain the best, Regulus.”
“If I’m so grand then why are you so horrid to me at Hogwarts?”
“I have to be. I love you too much. If anyone knew…”
Regulus knew all of Sirius’ secrets, the good and the bad. He knew why there were Muggle trollops permanently stuck to his brother’s walls and that there were two reasons Sirius learned to become a dog. Scratch marks on his door proved that the different shape didn’t stop his brother being lonely, although it did stop him being... Yet the dog couldn’t talk back to Regulus. When Regulus needed him to become Sirius again… In the end the transformation served the werewolf better than the brother and Sirius gave up being Padfoot at home.
Guilt didn’t stop Sirius sliding between Regulus’ sheets, into his pyjamas, and between his legs. Shame didn’t stop Regulus letting him.
Last night, after Sirius so carefully tidied the sordid mess they’d made, they tried talking the way they used to. But Regulus ended up flat on his back again-still naked from before-as Sirius kissed excuses down his clean torso then sucked him off. It had been horribly incredible. Sirius said words like sorry and stop, promise and love, can’t and won’t. After rubbing off against Regulus and coming on him again, he cuddled them close together and burrowed his face into the curve of Regulus’ shoulder. He’d murmured “I want to fuck you,” through a choke hold of tears and then he was gone.
Utterly gone. Off to live with the Potters.
And Regulus was lost.
###
Sirius didn’t want to explain why he’d run away.
“His abominable family is reason enough,” James told his parents. Sirius nodded silently, knowing he was the worst abomination of the lot. Prongs regularly said so without realising it was true. He’d soothe Moony’s Muggle-Mudblood insecurities by saying “at least your ancestors aren’t incestuous pervs like the Slytherins, Gaunts, Blacks and some of mine way back. Black will be the next family to become extinct along the male line.” Prongs meant it as a joke but only because he didn’t know. Moony wasn’t the only Marauder with hideous secrets.
That’s why Sirius ran away, to protect Regulus and save himself. Each term at Hogwarts convinced him he was strong enough to resist whatever the Horcrux was wrong with him but then he’d get home and hump Regulus while fantasising about going further, getting closer, deep inside him so they’d never be separate again. This year would be different. Sirius lived with the Potters now. He had no reason or opportunity to return to Grimmauld Place. Regulus would be safe and Sirius could, hopefully, become sane.
He felt the change, the alleviation of Blackness, but then he saw Regulus, heard that voice, or merely sensed his brother’s presence and darkness would descend in the form of inappropriate lust. Openly bullying his brother masked his true reaction. It did not stop although for almost a year he successfully kept it chained.
Regulus was fifteen, growing up, filled out across the shoulders, and flirting with other people-including Moony. Sirius couldn’t bear it. After a quidditch match where Slytherin beat Gryffindor, Sirius used allegations of cheating to confront his brother. He caught Regulus by the hair and hauled him into a classroom. After so long not speaking to each other he didn’t know what to say. Without letting go of Regulus’ hair, Sirius kissed him fully with an open mouth. Regulus pushed him away and glared at him.
“How dare you? After leaving me alone with your secrets. You have no right.”
“You’re my brother and I have every right.” Sirius felt the possessive rumble in his voice. He liked it.
“Potter’s your brother now. Go fuck him.”
Horror, horror, horror. Sirius let go and stepped back. “That-that’s not…” Horror, horror, horror.
“You LEFT ME! I made the choices you told me to because I trusted and loved you, and you abandoned me!”
“I didn’t mean to. My aim was to help you, not break your heart.” Sirius hoped Regulus wouldn’t push his arms away as he tried to hug him. Regulus remained unresponsive in his embrace but then finally hugged him back. His cheek was wet with silent tears and Sirius kissed him there. Just like he would kiss Moony or Prongs, and that was good. “I won’t,” he choked on the rest of the promise and kissed the other tear-stained cheek. “I won’t,” he repeated softly while kissing the trail of sorrow down the side of his brother’s neck until it became lost in his shirt collar. He stopped and their eyes met. “I won’t stop loving you.”
Then they kissed like before, mouths gently seeking supplication, affirmation, and affection. It went no further. There was no touching, frotting, or rutting. This was progress. Sirius was relieved.
###
Regulus should have known, it would come to this, eventually, after closing the rift, Sirius would contrive, to be alone, so they could gradually, increase their intimacy, a little each time, until now, Sirius moved inside him, deep, where no one had gone, no one should go, between his legs, as he sat on a desk. Sirius standing, fucking, fucking, and Regulus refusing, to turn him away, to reject him, destroy him, for loving Regulus too much, or not enough, to stop, what they both knew, was wrong.
“Love me,” Regulus grunted in time to Sirius’ thrusts. “Love me,” from deep in his throat, building into a staccato crescendo as Sirius swivelled, shuddered, and spilled inside him. Black to Black, impossible to get purer than that, yet it was wrong. It was obvious in the way they disengaged and arranged themselves.
Their posture and proximity were merely suggestive of compromise when Regulus heard the door open behind Sirius-or did it close? Regulus couldn’t be sure since Sirius hugged him closer and kissed his neck, then his mouth.
“Of course I love you,” Sirius told him softly, sweetly. “Even if we didn’t…we don’t have to be like this anymore. We can find a way to be normal brothers again, like we were, without Mother knowing.”
Regulus heard that promise every time. He always hoped it was true and yet…he was equally reluctant to break the remaining bond he had with Sirius, warped as it had become.
###
The pallor of his younger brother’s complexion terrified Sirius. What insult had Mother sent him through the morning post?
“Severus saw,” Regulus hissed at him. “He knows how closely we remain in contact.”
“So? No one will believe Snivellus.” Especially once the Marauders pummelled him so purple no amount of Essence of Dittany would soothe the bruising.
“The werewolf seemed to.”
“You mean the wizard you found cute enough to openly flirt with until I told you he was a werewolf.”
“I’m sure Severus was talking to Lupin about us. The way they looked at me.” Regulus cringed, overwhelmed by the compost of confusion, horror, fear, shame, and need for forgiveness that Sirius had piled upon him.
“I’ll deal with Snivellus Snoop.”
“Lupin…”
“And Remus.”
Only there’d been no need to involve Moony. Regulus had interrupted one of Snape’s ‘pick on Lupin while he’s alone’ sessions, nothing more. Now Snivellus knew for certain that Moony was a werewolf because Sirius hadn’t dared ask “Did that slimeball tell you I fuck my brother?” or even “What were you two talking about the other day?” Regulus knew Sirius would panic when faced with exposure…
“I should have known you’d set me up!” Sirius snarled at Regulus after pulling him into the passageway hidden within the stone witch’s hump.
“Beg pardon?”
“If Snivellus saw, as you said, he would have immediately used that against me to get Evans back on side. He wouldn’t confide in a Marauder, especially not one he suspected of being a werewolf. You told him about Moony, didn’t you?” Sirius raged at him, hauling him along by the shirt collar. “You made the rest up to get back at me for leaving.”
Regulus applied a series of non-verbal spells that Father used to discipline both sons in public.
“Just like him,” Sirius said with a sneer.
“You’re worse,” Regulus countered angrily. “I didn’t make anything up. I saw them talking, they turned and saw me, and I already knew Severus saw us. He told me. That’s why he hates you Sirius. He knows you’re a pervert and offered me protection. But when I saw his expression, and Lupin’s, I panicked, alright? I lie and sneak to protect you, be near you, and in one way or another you abuse me. It has to stop before I hate you.”
But he already did. Sirius could see it. Leaving served only to make those cravings for closeness worse and now Regulus had found the strength to turn him away. Sirius left the secret tunnel and made no effort to approach Regulus for the rest of the school year.
It was like losing a limb…or a kidney.
###
“It’s for the best,” Severus assured Regulus in the weeks before Sirius would leave Hogwarts and Regulus forever. “He does this on purpose, manipulate you and then leave without saying goodbye so you’re always wondering why. Then, when it gets too much for you he pounces in to take advantage again. It’s up to you to cut him off.”
Severus knew because similar things happened in the Muggle neighbourhood his parents lived in. He hadn’t told anyone but Regulus what he’d seen, insisting investigations into such matters served to further traumatise the victims more often than not. Regulus trusted Severus since he had no romantic or physical interest in boys. There’d been a girl he thought of quite fondly, once, and his misery at divulging that minor piece of information stopped Regulus asking for details. They formed a sort of fraternal bond, much healthier than any Regulus had with Sirius, and Regulus was grateful rather than suspicious when Severus offered to correspond.
Regulus took his rejection of Sirius to extremes, striving to become everything his brother wasn’t. He filled his room with Slytherin memorabilia and purist propaganda. He crushed Potter’s Seeker stats and won every academic award he could apply for. Then he became the youngest of Lord Voldemort’s followers to be granted the Dark Mark. Bella’s pride eclipsed Mother’s and Regulus felt he and Severus were truly brothers in arms. Cissy took him aside.
“There are less lethal ways to kick that idiot Sirius in the pants. You have no idea what you’ve done.”
“Lucius…”
“Did my husband know about this?”
Regulus nodded and was surprised at how narrow Cissy’s lips became. In time he learned why. Severus and Lucius were the only Death Eaters that didn’t give Regulus the creeps. He felt safest with Severus, who had begun teaching him Occlumency at Hogwarts so he could filter out certain thoughts and memories of Sirius. They were often paired together to perform tasks for the Dark Lord and continually practiced guarding their minds. Regulus knew Severus was disgusted by Regulus’ role in his own seduction but Sirius was the one he would never forgive. Regulus did, in part. The hugs they’d shared as boys were entirely innocent. Regulus believed that wouldn’t have changed if all forms of contact hadn’t been forbidden. He felt sorry for Sirius, and himself.
The last ‘person’ he expected to befriend was Remus ‘Moony’ Lupin but once Regulus was introduced to that vile Fenrir Greyback and heard the creature bragging about what he’d done to Lupin as a child…
Severus warned him off interfering. “He’s a friend of your brother and thereby past redemption. Monsters naturally congregate…”
“Am I beyond redemption because Sirius did things to me?” Regulus asked. “I had more control over my reactions than Lupin does.”
Severus let him follow his own path with obvious regret. Regulus wished they’d been born as brothers instead.
Lupin offered to help Regulus defect as thanks for the somewhat horrible information he’d received. Truth mattered, he said, then asked if Regulus had anything to pass on to Sirius. “He misses you,” he added when Regulus hesitated.
“He misses fucking me,” Regulus spat back without thinking. Lupin’s shocked expression caused him to amend that statement. “Fucking with me. You know what he’s like.”
“Sometimes I wonder. Do you want our address?”
“Are you, are you two…?” Regulus was disgusted by how much that possibility hurt.
“Friends,” Lupin replied bluntly but with an amiable smile. “Although we may have snogged once or twice we’d both prefer to have less rowdy partners.”
Death Eater and werewolf met up a number of times so Regulus could pass on information and pretend to be spying on his blood traitor brother. Regulus and Lupin snogged a lot more than twice then they regularly did more than that.
“Sirius has changed a lot since leaving school,” Remus told Regulus while they got dressed.
“I’m not ready to face him yet.”
Remus reached out to tuck one curled finger under Regulus’ chin. “What happened?”
Regulus opened his mouth to tell him but found he couldn’t betray Sirius. For all their dedication to the Order of the Phoenix, the four Marauders had been cruel bullies at school. Regulus had no doubt they’d turn sharply on one of their own. Surely Sirius already suffered as he did…
Remus stroked his thumb across Regulus’ bottom lip. “Silence: the classic Black family response to that particular question,” he said sadly then kissed Regulus on the cheek. He wanted to help but couldn’t get involved without hurting everyone. Regulus wondered whether he loved or merely respected Remus for that. He didn’t have time to find out.
Kreacher came home to give his horrifying recount of Inferi and a Horcrux. Thank Merlin the Dark Lord underestimated non-wand bearing magical beings. Regulus made preparations to counter those of the Dark Lord, confiding in no one.
“I need to see Sirius,” he told Remus. The fake Horcrux settled in his pocket. He handled it while mentally rehearsing what he would say.
Remus agreed to take Regulus to Sirius. “Want me to wait or come in?” he asked once they passed through the protective enchantments.
Regulus said no to both. Remus left him to face his brother alone.
“What the Horcrux do you want?” Sirius asked with angry suspicion when he saw who knocked on his door. Regulus felt panic set in at the mention of Horcrux. Not even Kreacher knew what Regulus had planned. Sirius caught his arm as he turned away. “I’m not like that anymore. I’ve learned…”
“So have I Sirius.” Regulus found this harder than expected and had to force himself to look his brother in the eye. “But I’ve always had enough manners to say goodbye when I know I’m leaving.”
Sirius let go. “So it’s true then. You regret becoming a Death Eater.” Remus must have told him.
“I regret many things. Remus isn’t one of them.” Regulus felt the need to share something good from his life before it ended. “Make sure he knows that. I forgive you and apologise for my part in it. Goodbye Sirius.”
“That’s it?”
“It’s more than you’ve ever given me.” Regulus regretted saying it. “That isn’t…”
“I know. I’d offer to hide you here with me and Remus if it wouldn’t do more damage.”
“I doubt Remus would let you into bed with us, Sirius.” Perhaps the smile was too much but Regulus couldn’t help it. Remus Lupin was the only lover he’d had besides his brother. Regulus was sad to be leaving him but happy to have known him as he had. That applied to Sirius as well, aside from…
“You’re his source? Merlin’s gonads, did you have to risk dragging Remus into hell with you?”
“Why can’t you say goodbye?” Regulus demanded angrily. “Why couldn’t you, just once, say goodbye to me? Before the sun rises I’ll be dead and you just don’t give a shit. You never did. I happily go to my grave hating you and wishing I had anyone but you for a brother!” He pulled away and prepared to apparate.
“Regulus, wait!”
He didn’t.
He collected Kreacher, crossed the lake, drank the potion which blistered his oesophagus and made him face terrible truths, then let the fetid water of the lake fill his mouth, nose, ears, and lungs, forcing viler things out of him. His body might become the worst kind of slave to the Dark Lord but his heart and soul were free.
###
This blasted house! This demented home that twisted anything pure into something vile. The scene of unforgiveable breakages and betrayals…
There were still scratches on the door from the nights Sirius changed into Padfoot before going to bed, hoping that would keep him in his rightful place. The dog hadn’t needed anything from Regulus but a friendly pat on the head and a ‘good boy’. Regulus had smiled with pride at Sirius’ transformation, complimented his genius and said “Good brother.” Sirius would curl up to sleep on the floor, quite content to listen to his brother’s hopes and fears through canine ears, but whenever Regulus required a response Sirius had to change back…
Regulus hadn’t told the Death Eaters about his perverted, unregistered Animagus brother. Sirius touched the scratches Padfoot’s paws had made. That young boy had tried so hard only to have Regulus hate him more than if he’d ignored him altogether. He frowned while tapping his fingers on the scarred wood. Regulus had been old enough and more than capable to fix this before he died. Why hadn’t he?
Sirius murmured sadly as he placed protective enchantments on his brother’s room. Not even Kreacher could get in there. Shit! He’d intended to let Remus sleep in there or at least have a snoop around for any artefacts from the relationship that led Sirius to believe he was the traitor. Remus would just have to share with Sirius when the Weasleys invaded.
“Trouble sleeping?” Snape drawled in response to Sirius’ haggard appearance during the first official Order meeting. “Did putting Lupin across the hall reduce the temptation or increase it?” He never said such things in front of witnesses-living, dead, or Kreacher-which meant no one else knew.
Snape was oddly tolerant of Kreacher and Sirius made a comment about their rapport that was so pathetically juvenile even Remus winced. Snape smoothly replied that Kreacher had been a far more suitable brother for Regulus than Sirius had ever been. Sirius had no trouble responding with his usual flair until Mad-Eye mentioned delivering Harry to Grimmauld Place.
“You can’t bring Potter here with that deviant!” Snape’s acidic comment splashed everyone in the room.
Remus casually cleaned it up by saying “If that’s an objection to my relationship with Sirius then let me assure you we’ll carry on regardless.”
Snape saved his retort for when he and Sirius were alone. He began with “Which bed?” but Sirius’ limit had been crossed when Snape unintentionally involved Remus.
“Mine,” Sirius growled.
“He doesn’t know, does he?” Snape sneered. “Ensure he remains ignorant. Despite the satisfaction to be gained from seeing you castigated or even castrated, I continue to keep your brother’s confidence. Telling anyone will be akin to raping Regulus again.” Snape’s sneer deepened and his black eyes seared into Sirius’ flinching soul. “Don’t even think of uttering the word consent. He was fifteen which is under the age of consent according to both Muggle and Magical laws. Your brother may have complied but that does not alter the fact that you-raped-him. Lay a finger on Potter, breathe in his direction and I will push your smug, twisted head into your neck and out through your cock-hole then feed you to your current lover’s maker. Even Lupin deserves better than you.”
“As though changes of heart are singular to you…”
But Snape was on a roll. “I changed my mind. Alas yours is too inbred to understand the difference.”
Kreacher shuffled along between them. His mutters about blood traitors, half-bloods and the woes of his dead mistress broke the momentum of the argument and Snape left Sirius to stew in guilt.
###
The potion was poisonous and painful like the love between the brothers. Regulus felt the disconnection between body and spirit then ‘stood’ in a familiar hallway constructed from strangely dry clouds. The nearest door bore the nameplate Sirius. The door across from this had been gouged by dog claws.
“I have to choose between Sirius and Padfoot?” Regulus asked the empty air. Was it even air? “Is there another choice?”
A third door opened directly between the first two. Regulus touched the doorknob and immediately withdrew his hand. It felt like Inferus skin. “No. I don’t want to be a ghost. We loved each other the only way we knew how. We deserve to be free to move on.”
The hideously textured door disappeared to reveal the stone archway that had been hiding behind it. Regulus stepped through.
###
Fists pummelled the inside of Regulus’ bedroom door. His ghost roared angrily for Sirius to let him out. “You trapped me in here! I’m not your toy Sirius.”
Sirius woke from the nightmare and hurried across the hallway to set his brother free. There was no ghost behind the door, just as there was no bleeding beating heart beneath the floorboards of Edgar Allan Poe’s tale. Sirius stood with his hands and feet against the door arch and yelled “I left you alone for good reason you idiot! You could at least show me the same courtesy!”
He felt Remus’ hand on his shoulder. “Perhaps it’s time I give you this.”
The parchment he offered Sirius simply said ‘Thank you Remus’ and had a hand-drawn star labelled ‘Regulus’ in the bottom corner. There was no magic in it.
“Look at the back.”
Sirius turned it over and found more stars and constellations. Nothing was in its proper place. Regulus had drawn more accurate star charts when he was nine. Arcturus, Orion and Sirius had been circled. There was a message here that Sirius wasn’t seeing.
“Give it here.” Remus took the parchment back and began closing it. “Watch closely. You have to refold it in the wrong direction as well as the improper order to see two confused young men who wish they’d never been born brothers-but not because they hate each other. The distance between them becomes so great they only come together in the wrong way.” Remus held the result flat on his palm. The sets of stars that made up the brothers’ names were touching. “You need to accept that your brother loved you the same way you loved him and say goodbye.”
Remus kissed Sirius on the cheek. “You’re not that muddled boy anymore Sirius,” he assured him in a whisper and then let him be.
Sirius paused in the doorway then he entered the room, locked the door behind him, and became Padfoot. The room still smelled faintly of Regulus as Padfoot nosed about. The lack of Sirius’ own scent was comforting. He curled up nose-to-tail beside the bed and went to sleep remembering his brother’s pride in the animagus strategy. He woke as Sirius and to the realisation that Remus was right.
“Goodbye Regulus,” Sirius said then locked his brother’s door with a simple key and gave that key to Remus. He took hold of Remus’ chin between one curled forefinger and thumb. Brown eyes stared back at him without blame or disgust. “I love you,” Sirius told Remus and kissed him.
“Say Regulus was a better kisser and I’m shaving your bum while you’re asleep,” Remus quipped against Sirius’ lips. “First, last and only time I make a reference like that, and entirely in memory of Prongs. I promise.”
“He bloody would have said something like that, too.” Sirius admitted with a snort.
Remus nodded. “And then he would have helped you make better choices. Hindsight Sirius,” he said simply and Sirius knew his struggle was over.
###
He could never take more than a few steps from the archway. Sometimes Regulus heard voices whispering from the other side. Occasionally another soul would pass through. There were other archways in the distance with one, two or a group of people with hovering near them. Regulus knew time passed because other arches would appear or someone waiting disappeared after helping some new soul through.
An arch opened within the limits of the one Regulus stood guard over.
“Bollocks to this!” James Potter said as he found himself bound to his arch. He spotted Regulus. “Bugger, Padfoot. You too?” Then he realised his mistake. “Ah, baby Black. Who are you wait…?” Potter forgot his question when his wife stepped through. “Harry?” he asked desperately.
Lily Potter shrugged and the couple embraced tightly. James rocked his wife in gently swaying arcs as they stared through the arch.
Regulus sat on the groundless ground to separate himself from the anxious parents. More time passed before he leapt to his feet because the same voices rang clear through both his and Potter’s arch. He heard Lily whisper Remus in the form of a question. Potter whispered back that he didn’t think they’d been that serious. Regulus didn’t take offense. His relationship with Remus had been short, sweet and secret. Harry Potter, Sirius and Remus avoided death and their voices faded. Regulus sank back against the lining of his arch with relief. The Potters celebrated with exuberant kisses and smiles.
Their peace didn’t last long. Or so it seemed to those already dead.
A magical battle raged on the other side of both arches. They could hear flippant remarks from Sirius, Remus deceptively calm, and spells cast in the adolescent voice of Harry. A familiar laugh made the spiritual spectators smile until it was cut short. A hefty weight immediately tugged on whatever ethereal substance attached Regulus to his arch. Regulus pounced forward and wrapped an arm around his dying brother, body and all.
“Come on Sirius. I won’t let Bella turn you into a trophy.”
“Before you get too happy to see me you should probably know I’ve been fucking your boyfriend.”
Regulus laughed and caught his much, much older brother into an embrace. The arch dissolved, along with whatever bound the brothers together. Sirius grabbed Regulus by the cheeks and looked him in the eye.
“Goodbye Regulus.” He kissed Regulus on the forehead.
Regulus kissed his brother's mouth and said goodbye in return. Then Regulus moved on.
And that was the end.