Merlin AU fanfic: Can't Buy Me Love (5/?)
Can’t Buy Me Love (5/?)
Pairings: Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Gwaine, Gwen/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot
Rating: 17+
Warnings: author’s sense of humour, sex, fluff (what passes for fluff in my dimensional plane anyway)
Summary: Merlin hired a date for his high school graduation dinner who happens to be his boyfriend’s best friend. Gwen knows who, but not the circumstances. Elena appears and at least one riddle is solved. Everything is going well for Merlin so something suckful is bound to happen.
Words in this post: 7932
30. Ride On
Gwaine stoops to tagging along for a cup of dining hall sludge instead of taking Merlin home for coffee in the morning with the intention of grilling Gwen about her nocturnal guest or, better yet, personally patting Lancelot on the back.
"You’re a nutter," Merlin says with dimples of contentment and Gwaine winks back with his own dimpled smile. This morning is a new beginning for them. There’s no need to discuss it, they just know. They share a single breakfast at an outside table because Gwaine doesn’t have a dining hall pass. It’s cold so Merlin sits between Gwaine’s legs on the bench to share body heat. Gwaine kisses his neck. Merlin's holds Gwaine’s hand, brings it to his lips and kisses the cold fingertips.
This is how it used to be, how it should remain.
Gwen races in to grab something to eat with no time to chat or she’ll be late for her nine o’clock science and technology lecture. "I can’t believe I slept in so late," she explains hurriedly on her way in with bright eyes and a charming flush of embarrassment to her complexion. There’s nary a sign of her bed pal.
"I believe Gwen had a lie in this morning but not that she spent that time asleep," Gwaine says with a smirk and Merlin chuckles.
"Lord I hope he’s not making us build ice-cream stick bridges again," she prattles as she races out with a handful of cold toast. "Um last night, let’s all agree to say nothing and spare each other the humiliation, yes?"
Merlin and Gwaine nod solemnly to Gwen then grin at each other the moment her back is turned. Gwaine doesn’t start until ten, Merlin later still, so they decide to walk to Gwaine’s to share a quick rather than naughty shower. Unfortunately one of Gwaine’s housemates is already using the bathroom when they arrive.
"Back to the dorm showers for me then," Merlin concedes.
"I won’t join you." Gwaine kisses him goodbye at the door.
This isn’t a rejection. They haven’t used the dorm showers together since Olaf and his cohort threatened them. Merlin always listens and peers cautiously before leaving the relative safety of his cubicle although the negative responses to him and Gwaine have steadily dwindled.
He lets his troubles gurgle down the drain with suds and residue from the previous day. Dreams don’t mean anything. He has no control over things like that. His waking words and actions shape his life and he is determined to be happy as he dresses and returns to his cell. Merlin takes out his timetable and works out a plan to balance study with social life. Looking over his student diary he realises he has a lot more catching up to do with exams only weeks away. Better save social time for lunch breaks and one night out per week.
Merlin spends the majority of this Friday morning in the library as he’d intended to from week one, glossing over the fact that this is the first time he’s actually done so rather than sleep in or watch crap telly with Gwaine before heading home for a nap. He whizzes through the biology readings and takes a break to write a bit of fluffy fan-fic before delving into the physics activities that bamboozled him last night. Merlin remains optimistic. His mind is clear and he understands what is required in each task. He also comes up with an idea that should eliminate one factor putting strain on his relationship with Gwaine.
Last night’s St Valentine’s sex was great, no doubt, but both partners prefer the role of top. If they can agree to regularly reverse roles then hopefully Gwaine won’t get that shadow of shame falling across his features as though he’s been letting Merlin take advantage of him. Merlin isn’t embarrassed about playing keeper instead of striker but he doesn’t want to be stuck in the nets for every match. Letting Gwaine score some goals can only extend the playing season. Oh god, he’s thinking in sports references now! Quick, think geek!
When they break up - if, if! - If they break up it won’t be so Gwaine can undertake a quest for another virgin. It will be because Merlin can’t stop those incidental thoughts of Arthur sneaking up on him. He’s going to try though.
Merlin is going to pass his first semester, retain his full scholarship, love his boyfriend and at Easter his mother will welcome home a happier Merlin than the one she farewelled five and a half months ago.
His smile and attitude are so bright that even the tedious statistics tutor can’t dim them.
31. Fat Bottomed Girls
Even had Gwen and Merlin wanted to discuss hearing each other having sex through the dormitory walls they wouldn’t be able to because the honey on pumpernickel sandwich is excited over the arrival of someone named Elena later that afternoon.
"Who’s Elena?" Merlin asks.
"Elena was supposed to be the future Mrs Arthur Pendragon," Gwaine explains.
"According to the social pages when we were fifteen. We decided against it," Arthur continues.
"In case Uther was her father too," Lancelot concludes.
"And didn’t Uther get snotty when they told him that!" Gwaine guffaws.
Arthur imitates his father with a pomposity that fits him too well. "Elena’s parents are among my closest friends…"
Gwaine assumes the role of Arthur. "As were Morgana’s parents. That didn’t precisely stop you impregnating my mother’s sister, did it Father? Oh, and you needn’t worry about me fooling around with servants of similar age …"
Arthur returns to his usual self. "The potential for accidental incest was so rife I wore stainless steel underpants."
"With his name stamped inside the waistband," Lancelot adds seriously but with merry eyes.
"Didn’t want to lose those at camp and have a teacher hold them up at the front of the bus."
Gwen and Merlin laugh. Gwen wipes a tear from one eye. Arthur winks at her and she’s off again. Merlin ends up laughing at her laughter.
"Elena’s popping over the house tonight, hoping to meet you both. Would you mind?" Arthur asks.
Gwen looks unsure. She hasn’t been paying more attention to either Lancelot or Arthur and neither of them pays her more heed than usual. Perhaps Gwen didn’t want to cause friction between them and brought some other fellow home. The unprecedented appearance of this woman must feel like the introduction of a rival into her already complicated life. Merlin thinks it’s great that there’ll be another female to even out numbers. With any luck Elena and Gwen will pair off with Arthur and Lancelot without a squabble and Merlin can get on with devoting his heart to Gwaine. That’ll be no problem at all once Arthur’s safely hooked up with someone, none at all. He makes up Gwen’s mind for her.
"What time do you want us to drop round?" Merlin asks with honest enthusiasm.
Arrangements are made. He and Gwen are regaled with Elena-based anecdotes for the remainder of lunch. Gwen becomes increasingly subdued as lunch progresses and Merlin is surprised when she sits with him and Gwaine for their last tutorial for the week.
"I don’t think I’ll go tonight," she says toward the lesson’s end.
"Why not? The three of us email Elena non-stop about how lucky we were to meet two wonderful people that we haven’t yet driven away with our insanity. She believes you are a product of group hallucinations caused by lead-based paint."
Merlin chuckles at Gwaine. "Elena sounds like the female midpoint between you and Arthur." He’s looking forward to meeting her.
"If you sounded that keen to meet a male friend of mine I’d be worried," Gwaine quips.
If Gwen was in her usual spot Merlin could tell Gwaine where Elena fits into his plan for unanimous happy endings: Lancelot + Gwen; Arthur + Elena; Merlin + Gwaine. He can’t contain his ‘I’ve got it all figured out’ smile and Gwaine notices.
"Are you thinking what I’m thinking Merlin?"
"I think I am Gwaine."
"You two make me jealous and nauseous all at the same time," Gwen says brightly.
"So you’ll come over tonight to stop us being disgustingly cute?" Gwaine asks.
"Oh alright," Gwen yields with a long-suffering groan.
Merlin and Gwaine cheer, Gwen rolls her eyes.
Gwen and Merlin walk together to the house, exchanging ‘wtf?’ expressions when they hear three male and one female boisterously sing: "We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine. We all live…!"
"I’m afraid to knock now," Gwen admits with a chortle. Merlin agrees with a silent grin and knocks anyway.
Lancelot welcomes them in with polite enquiries about their walk, helps Gwen out of her jacket and they enter the main room towards the end of Elena’s story. All Merlin can see at first is blond hair looped in a big, elegantly knotted braid with a few stray wisps and energetic gestures.
"…on his face when I jet ski past his arrogant arse and cartwheel onto the dock was worth a Tiffany’s necklace with matching bracelet," Elena boasts. There’s nothing undersized, intimidating, pampered or bashful about this heiress.
"You did not!" Gwaine declares.
"Not the cartwheel, no. But the rest is positively true."
Arthur laughs a sharp but genuine "B’ha!" and Elena shines. Merlin can tell that Gwen’s decided to hate her already.
"They’re equally fair, similar pouty lips - could be siblings…" Merlin observes drily and Gwen surrenders to a smile.
"Thank you Merlin." Arthur reprimands him and Elena turns to great them with radiant smile, warm brown eyes and a politely extended hand. Elena and Gwen look each other over. It’s like watching a nature documentary where the dominant male examines his competitor for weaknesses.
"So nice to finally meet you Merlin and Guinevere, or do you prefer Gwen? Lord above, you boys weren’t exaggerating about her! Send her home Arthur!" Elena waves a dismissive hand but her expression remains as warm as a freshly baked cake. Gwen’s dimples respond of their own accord.
"Not on your life." Arthur smiles too.
"Shan’t bother chatting you up Merlin. My inbox has been bombarded with reminders that you’re Gay and Gwaine’s. Yahoo goes on about you two as much as Hotmail does."
"I…beg your pardon?" Merlin asks. He sits along the back of the couch behind Gwaine and they lean against each other.
"Long, story," Arthur replies.
"We’ve got time," everyone else says. Gwen and Elena smile like co-conspirators and all shadows of impending rivalry disappear.
"Boring story," Arthur amends.
Lancelot starts telling it anyway. "In an effort to avoid Uther’s internet sniffers screening their emails I opened three in my name, exactly the same name but with three different servers."
"That’s how I can tell them apart." Elena points to Gwaine, "Hotmail," Lancelot, "Google."
Gwen laughs at Arthur. "Yahoo?"
"Suits him, don’t you think?" Elena asks. "Personally, I feel Lancelot should be Hotmail."
"Gwaine’s my Hotmail." Merlin says, knowing it’s cheesy and predictable but Gwaine grins anyway. Merlin leans down to kiss him.
"Shall I summon the limo and we’ll be off, or would you rather wait for a lull in the conversation?" Elena asks the room in general.
"No-one mentioned going out." Gwen looks at her attire. Merlin does the same. Neither ensemble measures up to anyone else in the room. He agrees when she adds "We’d best be off then."
"Oh no, please come! The limo easily seats more than five and we can’t all squish into Arthur’s lemon. I wasn’t bringing the tour bus across the Channel."
"Elena owns a resort in Greece," Gwaine explains.
"And remains insulted that none of these boys spent more than three days of gap there," she retorts pointedly. "We’re only doing a burger run followed by cinema, nothing swish."
Lancelot takes Gwen’s hands and lifts them so he can properly look her over. "Stunning," he assures her. Gwen’s return smile makes her complexion glow softly and she primps her hair once he turns away. Arthur doesn’t appear concerned by this tender moment, prompting Merlin and Gwaine to exchange brief smirks of ‘aha - ‘twas Lancelot!’
"Game on!" Elena claps her hands together once. The company grab everything necessary to keep warm outside. Elena is very much a glamorous tomboy and Gwen is buoyed by her presence rather than intimidated by the opulence of the limousine. Gwaine helps Merlin to a cache of nibbles and complains jovially about the otherwise empty bar.
There is a lot of laughter and genuine interest as discussions centre around random topics. Alliances change as quickly as they form with everyone giving and receiving equal amounts of flak. The only grumbling revolves around the lack of anything decent showing at the cinema.
"Do you still have that karaoke machine in the limo?" Gwaine asks Elena hopefully as he offers Merlin the last of his chips.
"You goose … I think so."
They take turns making fools of themselves in pairs, groups and as individuals as Elena’s driver takes them around town. Elena opens a window to serenade a potential pick up.
"Ooh, rejected!" Arthur nudges her bottom with a foot.
"Let’s see how you do lonely boy." She tosses him the microphone.
"He’s not my type."
"Denial!" Gwaine and Elena chorus. Merlin silently agrees.
"Don’t start this debate again," Lancelot groans.
Gwen and Arthur lock eyes. Gwen looks away first.
"I said he’s not my type, not that males in general aren’t."
"Holy shit." Merlin is unsure who says it, it’s uttered so softly. Everyone in the car looks at Gwen.
"What?" she calmly asks without avoiding anyone’s eye.
"You, he, you …" It’s like a medley relay between Gwaine, Lancelot and Merlin.
"Yes, and?" Gwen retains her dignity with this response.
"Guinevere and I came to the mutual decision that we aren’t compatible."
"Which we already knew, it was more confirmation really."
"Entirely spontaneous and will never happen again," Arthur assures Lancelot. "Somebody please change the subject."
Elena does so. "When are you going to give up this teacher nonsense Gwaine and come tend my bar?"
"Are you sure this isn’t the same topic?" Merlin teases without looking at Arthur or Gwen. Elena’s rich laugh fills the vehicle.
"I like him! What a night." She pats Arthur’s knee familiarly. "Don’t worry dear, it’s not too late."
"Whatever you’re inferring Elena, don’t," Arthur commands.
"One truth a day keeps the guilt worms at bay?" Elena retorts.
"Lancelot," Arthur addresses him directly. "We didn’t set out to…"
"Are you going to try all Gwaine’s excuses to make me forgive you?" Lancelot speaks softly but his words are pointed.
"It wasn’t like that, really. Extenuating circumstances," Gwen offers sincerely.
Lancelot’s carefully controlled anger is not aimed at Gwen. "You used her…?"
"Let them explain," Gwaine says simply. Merlin knows his boyfriend appreciates the importance of a second chance. Instinct tells him that Gwen and Arthur are being honest when they would have preferred to keep something quiet.
Elena subtly touches the intercom and tells Jillian to return to the university. "Jillian can drop you three at the house. Gwaine, Merlin and I can continue on…"
"No, it’s alright," Arthur insists. "This will save Lancelot the trouble of resisting Gwaine’s efforts to persuade it out of him. Guinevere, as it is your honour being brought into question…"
Lancelot appears chagrined at implying Gwen was an easy pick up. She starts regardless.
"I have a hefty psychology assessment, one of the main requirements being to interview an anonymous subject in regards to which childhood and adolescence events that person feels were influential in shaping the adult. Being a nosy parker, I took the opportunity to pick Arthur’s brain. Lancelot’s too normal to make the paper interesting."
"You’re going to refer to me as ‘Yahoo’ in that now, aren’t you?" Arthur laments.
"There’s an idea," Gwen teases.
"As you are all aware, Guinevere possesses inhuman powers of persuasion."
"A little non-financial blackmail secured my victim - subject, I meant subject." Gwen grimaces and her hands assume the palms-out defensive position. Merlin, Gwaine and Elena grin, Arthur frowns and Lancelot’s expression would be well suited to a judge of the High Court.
"I gave her more information than I intended. It’s as bad as talking to Merlin - words just come out. You’re left thinking ‘what the hell did I say that for?’ and yet can never entirely regret that you did."
Gwaine gives Merlin's hand an affectionate squeeze and a wink. Merlin settles on quickie eye sex for a reply because he doesn’t want to interrupt Gwen and Arthur.
"That level of communication made blurry lines even fuzzier, following so soon after that confusing kiss."
"Guinevere’s a beautiful person with an irresistibly humorous and soothing nature."
"Arthur’s not exactly hideous and it went from friendship."
"To ‘could this be love?’ to…"
"The pair of us faking it to preserve each other’s dignity, basically."
"It seemed like the blink of an eye took us to a place where we could only go forward in order to get back to where we should be."
"If these two hadn’t been going at it next door…" Gwen gestures to Gwaine and Merlin.
"Stop right there Guinevere, before we all die of humiliation. Moral of the story, Lancelot: It took that mistake for Gwen to understand how deeply she loves you and that her most intimate moments belong to you. She relentlessly tortured me by making us talk things over in the morning. It wouldn’t be worth it if that same mistake didn’t prove that regardless of her delightful dimples and entrancing personality, I will never love Guinevere as more than a friend because she isn’t a man."
"I will never love Arthur as more than a friend - because he isn’t you." Gwen’s posture shifts minutely and her fingers fidget nervously but her gaze remains steady: This is how it happened and this is who I am, take it or leave it.
Merlin is in awe of her courage in this situation and understands how Arthur became confused. Gwen is the kind of character Arthur admires most. Plus she’s female like his father’s job requires Arthur’s partners to be. Merlin reminds himself to send a letter of grateful praise to his loving Mum before semester ends.
Gwen tries once more to get through to Lancelot.
"Have you never been so confused that you didn’t know which path to take until after you travelled in the wrong direction? I got lost, we both did, but we found our way back and will never go there again. Please, forgive us." Gwen touches Lancelot’s hand and he doesn’t pull away. Their eyes say many things that only they can hear.
"I want to. I can see how this happened and why. You’re both…"
"Idiots," Arthur suggests.
"Hopeless romantics," Gwaine corrects.
"Desperate to shag someone you didn’t think was interested so settled for each other?" Elena throws in.
"Wonderful people who’d give your entire heart to your friends given the opportunity, clever enough to know you stuffed up and fed up with inventing lies to cover your arse when you know it’ll only make things worse in the long run," Merlin says.
"I’m changing mine to what Merlin said," Elena insists with wide-eyed respect. "What are you doing with Gwaine again?"
"Let them enjoy their romance Elena. They deserve it. Hang around long enough and you’ll see how they bring out the best in each other." Arthur’s reprimand earns Gwen’s scorn.
"Hardly!" she scoffs.
"Can’t you shut her up by kissing her or something Lancelot?" Arthur counters. "They found their equilibrium - like I said they would…"
"Sorry Arthur," Gwaine interrupts, "but I have to agree with the interfering female on this one. I understand Merlin bringing out the best in me…"
"If you understood, you wouldn’t doubt it. Your boyfriend brings out the best in people who appreciate him. In everyone else he brings out the worst, like some fairground personality test."
"The ones where you put in a coin, place your hand on the metal plate and coloured lights tell you if you’re a tosser or not?" Elena asks seriously. Arthur nods. "By the way Merlin lights up when he smiles at you Gwaine, your result is Quality Bloke. Arthur is Smug Git with Lovely Bum - alright, that one’s just my personal opinion."
Merlin laughs. Gwaine insists Merlin's the one with the lovely bum. Lancelot and Arthur blame Elena for getting him started. Merlin kisses Gwaine to silence him. Gwen kisses Lancelot.
"Don’t even think about it Elena," Arthur warns and her rich laughs fills the car.
32. Freedom
Merlin expects the knowledge that Arthur is Gay to keep him up all night and is pleasantly proven wrong. He wakes up beside Gwaine as happy as he fell asleep. It’s as though Arthur’s insistence that Merlin and Gwaine be permitted to enjoy their romance has set them free.
‘We deserve this,’ he thinks with a small smile as he kisses Gwaine good morning. "I love you right now," Merlin says brightly.
Gwaine’s response is equally candid. The pressure is off. They can love moment by moment again.
Their kiss deepens and they explore each other. Mouths, hands and seductive movements create a messy climax. Gwaine comes on Merlin's neck, Merlin on Gwaine’s chest. Months after the first time Merlin still relishes the sight of Gwaine’s cum spurting and oozing, revels in the sensations caused by Gwaine sucking cum from his skin, finds Gwaine delightfully sexy.
"So you haven’t tired of me yet?" He moans smugly as Gwaine sucks his satisfied balls. Gwaine’s reply is to lick Merlin's arse and leave a love bite on his inner thigh.
They share the top sheet off Gwaine’s bed in order to walk to the bathroom for a naughty shower. The housemates always know to knock if the door’s closed because it doesn’t have a lock. Merlin is hard before they shed they sheet so Gwaine doesn’t bother turning the tap on yet.
‘My place you top, your place I top,’ is the bottom rule established to maintain this new balance in their relationship. Gwaine holds the sides of the hand basin with both hands as Merlin licks up and down his back directly along his spine before licking and fingering him open. A condom and lube are dropped on the floor beside Merlin's knee. Such supplies are kept in the mirrored cupboard for occasions like this. They don’t talk due to the echo, communicating through the mirror instead as Merlin settles inside Gwaine before steadily fucking him. Eyes locked on their partner’s face, the only noise produced is the soft thud of naked bodies colliding and excited breathing. Merlin's getting close. He stands upright, hands on the back of Gwaine’s neck, not squeezing. His fingertips curl into the ends of Gwaine’s hair and he tugs slightly.
"Gwen, you should knock!" Lancelot’s warning isn’t quick enough. Cold air slaps Merlin across the back.
"Oh-my-god-no, no-god, oh-no," Gwen says in a tiny voice as her hands cover eyes. It’s like she’s frozen to the spot.
Lancelot drags her by the elbow as Arthur reaches in to close the door. "Um, carry on," he says to Gwaine and Merlin's startled reflections while pulling the door to. He suggests to Lancelot that they should take Gwen to buy a lock for the bathroom door right now and perhaps have breakfast with Elena, wherever she’s staying.
"Well, that’s now the most embarrassing moment of my life," Merlin admits.
"Hope you’re done because there’s no way I can keep going."
"There’s no real recovery from that, is there?" Merlin's cock has called quits on this fun fair and is already deflating the jumpy castle.
"Not that I can see," Gwaine concedes and then chortles as they turn on the shower taps, "although we’ll probably recover sooner than Gwen."
33. It’s So Easy
This can’t be right.
Merlin's life cannot be so simple.
His relationship with Gwaine is comfortable at worst, enjoyable at best and rapidly approaching the six month mark. Thoughts of Arthur continue to intrude but nothing sharp enough to burst Merlin’s bubbles of hopeful happiness and he’s content being counted as one of the house boys.
"Does this mean you’ll start walking around naked again?" Gwaine asks Arthur one evening while Merlin's there.
"Please no," Gwen despairs and Lancelot rubs her back soothingly.
"Are you sure you two are on?" Gwaine asks them. "There are no goo-goo eyes or wall-shaking …"
"That’s because they’re two mature adults, not a rake and his cock-struck fledgling," Arthur points out.
"You wait," Gwaine promises and sits back smugly in his chair, hands in his pockets. "You’ll get yours Pendragon."
"Not before I’m fifty I won’t. Father should come to terms with the fact I’m Gay by then."
"Have you told him yet?" Merlin asks.
"No. That kind of news requires a face-to-face confrontation."
"You could wait until you’re twenty one and your mother’s estate…" Gwaine begins. Arthur cuts him off.
"I could also follow my mother’s footsteps into the Bolshoi Ballet but, meh."
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," says Gwaine.
"You’d know."
"How do you live like this?" Gwen asks of Lancelot.
"Earphones," he replies drily.
Gwaine asks Merlin to keep a surreptitious eye out for a guy to lure Arthur further into the open. He seems happy enough on his own. Gwaine reckons that’s bullshit as they share their usual Wednesday night chips and gravy from a tiny takeaway.
"How can he be with the four of us paired off in front of him? Poor guy can’t turn around without seeing one half of a couple." Gwaine shakes his head sympathetically and double dips a chip.
Merlin knows how that one goes. Still… "Perhaps Arthur’s happy enough knowing what he wants for now," he ponders as he chews. "One less weight chained around his neck, you know? Let him swim about a bit before trying to tie him to someone."
Gwaine’s smile says ‘I love that about you’. Merlin's says ‘sometimes simply looking at you is enough to make me horny’ and they go home to Merlin's so Gwaine can fuck him breathless.
Merlin's classes aren’t giving him any hassles. He’s caught up and has started exam prep. His mother is happy and healthy at home. He has genuine friends, a satisfactory part time job, an incredibly sexy and deceptively respectful boyfriend, and is esteemed by his classmates.
Something suckful is bound to happen.
34. The Name of the Game
Slow Sunday morning, quality coffee prepared by glorious Gwaine, cryptic crossword with Arthur, Lancelot and Gwen having a lie in…
"How can there be so much fucking theory in this course? It’s fucking sport for fuck sake!"
Ah, the dulcet tones of Merlin's boyfriend as he revises for his first university exam.
"Ignore it and it’ll go away," Arthur mumbles then pushes the newspaper across to Merlin. "Take over captain."
"You cocked up twelve across… eight down… how in pity’s name did you come up with this?" Merlin points at twenty seven across. "Bubble bum?"
"Why are you helping that git with a stupid puzzle instead of preventing my brain from exploding?" Gwaine complains loudly and follows up with a mutter. "Neglectful boyfriend, dump your arse."
"Merlin knows as much about sport as you do about vectors and particle motion."
"This is true. Think I’ll keep fucking your arse instead - Merlin's arse. Yours does nothing for me anymore I’m afraid, Arthur."
"Sure I’ll survive, go for a run or something. Your brain blockage is clearly contagious." Arthur looks sideways at the crossword. "That’s supposed to be bubble gum. Reading the clue might have given you a clue."
"Fancy, a clue from a clue," Merlin says with fake astonishment.
"Good god, you’re right!" Gwaine declares. "If this brainlessness spreads we’ll all be Elena by lunch time. To save my beloved brethren - and Arthur - I shall away. I may be some time."
"Dickhead," Merlin mutters before munching on a marmalade smothered breakfast muffin.
"You love me," Gwaine boasts. Merlin wrinkles his nose and makes the tilting hand motion to mean ‘meh’ before grinning and kissing Gwaine goodbye.
"Holy shit, we’re alone," Merlin observes a few minutes later.
"Your fellow fornicators are down the hall."
"Well, yeah, but just you and me in the same room with no-one else? This hasn’t happened since Christmas."
Arthur stares flatly at Merlin. It’s rather intimidating.
"If you dare go all ‘let’s chat about things better left unsaid’ I will take Guinevere’s straightener to your pubic hair." Arthur’s nostrils flare slightly and his eyebrows emphasise the point.
"Let’s just sit here in silence then, shall we?"
They do for a bit.
"Why didn’t you or Gwen tell me she found out about…?" Merlin starts to ask.
"Because she knows how to keep her mouth shut, unlike you. If you knew she knew you’d want to natter away about it to her. Need I remind you I’ve been in Guinevere’s room? I know the location of all her feminine torture implements."
Merlin tries companionable silence again and decides it isn’t very companionable. "Did you have your secret police shut the web page down or remove the offending…?"
"That would draw Father’s attention to it which had to be avoided at all costs. It will hardly be a surprise when I say ‘Hello Father, I’m a homo and you can’t blame Gwaine’ if he sees us snogging on the internet. Hang on - if Guinevere didn’t talk to you about that which you and I agreed not to talk about, how do you know she knows?"
Merlin flips his open-car-door ears with his index fingers while asking a question of his own and ignoring the fact that his imagination is filing away this image of perplexed Arthur for future fantasy fun time. "There isn’t really, us, on there, snogging?" So he is more attempting to ask a question. Arthur still catches the drift of it and now looks suspicious rather than perplexed.
"You haven’t seen it?"
"Why would I? Hated that bloody school, full of troglodytes and slags," he trails off. "Have you?"
"Why would I? Not my school full of snobs and shitheads."
"So you just took Gwen’s word for it?"
"I’m the pathological liar of our little social network, remember?"
"Can I borrow your laptop?"
"It’s on the charger."
"You’re a liar."
"Not this time. You really are crap at spotting the bull among the cows."
"You’re so adept at spinning the stuff it’s safest to presume they’re all bulls."
Arthur looks at him. Merlin expects to burst into flames, turn to stone or grow an extra limb from his nose. Lancelot, Gwaine, Elena and Gwen say things like that to Arthur and he doesn’t give any of them that look. What Arthur says next throws Merlin completely off track.
"What are you like at theatre sports?"
"A-err-what?"
"Performing improvisations based on given prompts and making a dick of yourself in front of an audience."
"Sounds humiliating and - fun," Merlin admits. He knows what it is. Gwen’s been trying to get him to come along all semester. He didn’t expect the question, that’s all.
"I believe that with my stage presence and your clever tongue we can defeat Arts and Law in the Unions challenge on Wednesday."
"Gwen says you and Lancelot win the Chalkie round every month."
"Winning against these teams isn’t enough. The two have alternated between first and runner up since the challenge began five years ago. We need to annihilate them. You’re the ultimate secret weapon."
"Um, what makes you think I can help you win?"
"That witch Sophia’s expression after our ‘how we met’ routine."
"You forget to delete my number yet you remember Sophia…"
"Back already Gwaine?" Arthur asks cheerily over Merlin's shoulder. Merlin whips around. Arthur was talking to air.
"You’re a shit."
"You’re indiscreet."
"How - you started it!"
"I knew we were alone. Ask Gwaine if you can play when he gets back."
"He’s not my wife, husband, I don’t need his permission."
"Tell him then."
"Arse."
"Spit… a brick, I’m supposed to be somewhere. Pass on my apologies to the fornicators. No need, there’s one, morning Guinevere. Goodbye Guinevere." Arthur hurries out before Merlin can figure out the source of the fuss.
"Do I stink?" Gwen asks with a curious frown.
"Not that I’m aware of."
"Good." She sits down with a smile. "Where’s Gwaine?"
"Running off some pre-exam stress. Where’s yours?"
"Triathlon training, according to the note he left on the pillow. I assume he left it on a pillow and didn’t stick it directly to my face, which is where I found it."
"Oh. Coffee?"
"Tea please. I can’t abide coffee now unless Gwaine makes it."
"One of his many talents."
"Oh-my-god-god-no," Gwen whimpers and scrunches her fists over tightly closed eyes. "Why won’t that image leave my brain? I’m tempted to scrub my eye sockets with a toothbrush to get rid of it."
"Thanks Gwen, my nuts have taken a trip north due to that subtle reminder."
"You’re making it worse!"
Merlin laughs at her and the kettle boils.
"How soon will Gwaine be back?" Gwen asks hesitantly.
"Why? Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant but aren’t sure who the father is…"
Gwen’s eyes are like an aerial view of dark chocolate buttons floating on two glasses of milk.
"It was only supposed to be a joke." He wouldn’t have sounded so flippant if…
"Well, that one nearly scared the life out of me. Try something a little less noir next time, alright?" Gwen shivers and places her hands against the hot tea cup. "We don’t need any more snags to tangle us up in undercurrents of Arthur. Lancelot’ll be kissing him next and then we’ve all had a go…oh shit. I should have known really, that today would be like this. What else can you expect when you wake up to find a post it stuck to your face with sleep drool?"
"You know about that, that’s old news." Merlin hurriedly sweeps his evening with Arthur aside. "Do you think Lancelot will cause a fuss if I replace him in the theatre sports final?"
"You and Gwaine can’t jump into the final. At least one of the pair has to be a regular participant."
"Not Gwaine, just me. Arthur asked…"
"Bad idea. Remember how Gwaine reacted when I held Arthur’s hand? And that was on Lancelot’s behalf. Some of those scenarios are highly suggestive and if Gwaine sees Arthur putting phony moves on you - Arthur’s too pretty to die, Merlin." Gwen stops to sip her tea. "Of course, if you want to break up with Gwaine then by all means, play with Arthur."
"No, I don’t want to break up with Gwaine. Or play with Arthur by any means let alone all of them."
Gwen says nothing. Simply looks at Merlin.
"You know what I mean."
Gwen’s attitude doesn’t change.
"I’m with Gwaine."
More nothing from Gwen.
"Stop it."
"Okay, as long as you’re sure."
"I’m sure."
He is.
35. We Are the Champions
"When were you going to mention this theatre games thing to me, after you’d won?" Gwaine asks over the phone that night.
"I decided not to play."
"You’d be awesome."
"Gwen said things can get a little saucy."
"Which is why you’d be awesome. Der!"
"It wouldn’t feel right being partnered with someone other than you for stuff like that."
"There isn’t another reason?"
"Gwen was worried you’d punch Arthur’s face in if we were asked to do anything like that. That part doesn’t bother me. Everyone who has ever met him wants to punch him at least once."
Gwaine laughs.
"Plus it’s on chips and gravy night," Merlin points out. "That’s enough reason to say no right there. The way you dip your chips is so suggestive I’m getting hard just talking about it."
Gwaine laughs again at Merlin's phone-sex voice. "Do you want to do this?" he asks seriously.
"It could be fun, sounds like fun. I love Whose Line Is It Anyway?" Merlin admits.
"Then do it."
"Will you ridicule me and cheer me on as the situation demands?"
"I’m also willing to throw tomatoes should your performance rate below piss-poor."
"So supportive of my chosen career, thank you dear heart," is Merlin’s response.
"Arthur’s aggressively competitive at everything. He wouldn’t have asked you to get involved if he didn’t think you’d guarantee his success. On the other hand, if you lose it will all be your fault, not his. On the other foot, you’re a spitfire and won’t take any of his crap so it’s all win from my perspective."
"Tell him I’ll do it, but he better make me look good."
Gwen tells Merlin he’s thick the next day.
"Gwaine talked me into it."
"This cannot end well Merlin."
"It’s for pretend, like Teletubbies without the noo-noo."
Gwen looks at him for a moment and then walks away without a word.
Merlin and Gwaine have their chips and gravy early on Wednesday in case some fluke gets Merlin and Arthur through the first round.
"That Law cow gave me crabs senior year," Gwaine points to a platinum blond with her hair in a bun so tight a television spinster librarian would be envious.
"Oh for crying out loud, you bagged Catrina? She’s nastier than Morgause." Arthur’s nose wrinkles in disgust.
"Wartier too, if you two have to simulate sex to beat her, you do it."
"Eurgh."
"Not to worry Merlin, Gwaine dips his dick in Pine-o-clean once a week."
"I switched to Mr Muscle actually."
"You two are actually fourteen, aren’t you?" Merlin asks. "You made a wish to be big at a carnival and now you’re stuck looking like grownups."
Gwaine opens his mouth to reply and Merlin heads for the stage before any more puerile comments emerge.
"That was a bit rude," Arthur says when he catches up, "walking off on him like that."
"No, I was abrupt. You pair were being rude and juvenile."
"Gwaine put all his effort into seduction and ending relationships before you. This is the first time he’s attempted to maintain one and you treated him like a child. We don’t all hook up with the love of our lives when we’re thirteen and compare everything else to that."
"We don’t all wait until we’re adults, shag our best friend’s girl then decide we’re Gay either but you don’t see me having a go at you."
"Fuck off Merlin," Arthur mutters.
"Beg your pardon?" Merlin asks with mock politeness and Arthur mouths the first two words as they’re ushered onto the makeshift stage with their competitors.
The first game requires players to make up a song one line at a time. Merlin sets out to lose but his brain won’t let him, coming up with acidly funny stuff that fits the lyric added by the player before and provides an opening for the next player in line while heaping shit on Arthur. The Nursing team are first to be booted off. Arthur smiles smugly as they avoid elimination.
"You just can’t help yourself, can you Merlin? Have to be a smartarse."
Second game involves foam props. Players cannot speak, one word means disqualification. Merlin and Arthur stage a light-sabre/ sword/ anything really fight all over the stage, going so far as to use other players as props as they go. Arthur rolls across the back of one person pretending to be a dog while their partner uses their foam prop to scoop pretend poop. Merlin slides under the ‘dog’ and whacks Arthur in the privates just as he manages to get upright.
Arthur squeaks like a cartoon eunuch and wields his foam thing like a machete. Merlin blocks it, gets to his feet and jumps because Arthur swings his weapon low while wrenching Merlin's length of foam from his hand. Time is called.
"You nearly forced me off the stage you arse!" Merlin exclaims angrily.
"You pinged my privates and nearly got us disqualified. These aren’t as gentle on delicate areas as you might think." He prods Merlin with a corner to prove it.
"Ow, okay. Sorry."
The adjudicator takes the props. Pooper scooper and pooch are out. The media studies students in the audience boo. Gwaine throws a tomato into the midst of them and laughs when it splatters.
"Your boyfriend," Arthur says blandly.
Sometimes Merlin wonders why.
Game three is the clichéd one person provides the hands while the other does the talking.
The scenario is a family of five at the dinner table. There are condiments, cutlery, crockery and actual food on the table.
"I better be the hands because I’m not eating anything you’d feed me," Merlin says through the side of his mouth. He gets his wish. The scene plays out like the typical high school talent show version until ‘Brother’ Arthur asks ‘Sister’ Catrina to pass the mustard.
"That’s brown sauce, not mustard. Never mind that’ll do. Give it a little shake and an almighty squeeze…"
Merlin can’t see where he’s pointing the bottle but by the splat and squeal coming from his left the contents hit Catrina.
"Father’s squirted worse than that onto your cleavage."
Merlin tries not to laugh as Arthur and the ‘Grandfather’ on Catrina’s left offer to help clean it up. Merlin covers a napkin with sauce and slaps it against the side of her face before rubbing it into her hair. Catrina uses her hand to swat Merlin's away.
"That’s for giving Gwaine crabs," Arthur declares loudly and Merlin loses it. He drops everything and guffaws into Arthur’s back, hands drumming the table and Arthur’s chest because Arthur’s arms have his clamped tight. If he pulls one hand free they’ll be eliminated automatically.
"Are you right there son?" ‘Mother’ asks.
"Rehearsing my drum solo…"
"Time!" the first adjudicator calls. "Law and IT are disqualified for using their own hands."
"He squirted sauce down my bra and rubbed it in my face!" Catrina protests angrily.
"The Education contestant couldn’t see what he was doing. That’s the point! What are you going to do? Sue?"
The audience laughs with the adjudicator. Education, Arts and Agriculture move straight onto the second last round - mime.
Merlin begins to see why Gwen insisted Arthur could shovel his opponents into the clay on his own. He guesses Agriculture’s ‘A child protection spokesperson wants Noddy removed from television as she believes Big Ears is a paedophile’ after three gestures and a lewd expression.
As a result, Arthur and Merlin have to communicate ‘the US military devised a plan to parachute bears into Afghanistan to search caves for Osama Bin Laden’. Merlin doesn’t understand how the Aggie’s get this one at all. He spends half their mime time laughing at Arthur’s impression of a parachuting bear. He laughs harder once Arthur tells him these things all come from newspaper articles.
"Is the US Minister of Defence seven? Not even Gwaine would come up with something like bear paratroopers!"
"Which takes Agriculture and…Education through to the last round," the adjudicator announces.
"Well done Merlin, don’t care if we lose now."
"I do!"
Arthur does this facial thing that Merlin's only seen him do once before, when ‘Oliver’ spouted that utter bollocks about Merlin's dimples and his smile. It affects him the same way now.
Merlin looks into the audience to break the spell. "Where’s Gwaine?"
"He probably got thrown out after the tomato thing. He used to say he could never remember going to a place unless he got thrown out of it."
"Does…?" Merlin is silenced by Arthur’s finger pressing against his lips.
"Sh, last round."
Merlin is certain it’s going to be something stupid. All the others were. He’s had fun though.
"You’ll be given a character with their opening line and the order in which they speak. The rest is ad lib."
"Please don’t make me a girl," Merlin mumbles.
"We have Cinderella, Conniving Stepmother, Prince Charming and his footman. Pretend the story has occurred as usual until we reach this scene. Stepsisters have tried on the shoe, bad luck blah-diddy-blah now the Stepmother is about to have her turn. Take it from your lines."
"You haven’t given us cards yet," the female Aggie reminds the adjudicator.
Merlin peeks through one eye at his card, as if that will make it better. It must work because he isn’t a girl. "Footman," he says and shows the card to Arthur.
"Charming," Arthur replies and flashes Merlin his card, typical.
Merlin has the opening line. "Did Gwaine write this?"
"Why?"
"You’ll see."
The players follow the basic stage directions on their card so Cinderella Aggie weeps in a corner, Stepmother Aggie stands beside the chair - which apart from a tissue box ‘slipper’ is the only prop - Merlin kneels in front of the chair and Prince Arthur stands behind him.
"Really my lord, I’ve been on my knees all day, can I not take a moment to stand to my full height?" Merlin reads it from the card so everyone knows this tosh isn’t coming from inside his head.
"I see what you mean," Arthur murmurs as Step-Aggie reads her line. Once the crap lines are out of the way the four players have fun messing about with the fairy tale. Cinderella insists the tissue box doesn’t fit.
"I’m telling you I know my Jimmy Choo’s. Is this some black market rip-off?" She (who is actually a he) accuses footman-Merlin, who has so far been used as a foot stool and a step-ladder for characters to climb on while changing an imaginary light bulb.
"I think you’ll find, you dolt of a servant, that that is my shoe." Arthur plonks his backside into the chair, kicks off a shoe, flings the exposed sock into the audience and wiggles his toes in the air. "Hast thou beholden such a regal foot before?"
"Four times my lord, all upon the same pig."
Arthur pushes his foot into Merlin's face and Merlin slaps it away with a grimace.
"Plenty of toe jam to spread on your morning toast my lord."
"What shall you do if that shoe dost fit your own foot fair Prince?" Step-Aggie asks.
"I shall have no choice but to marry myself for by royal decree did I declare to wed the one…"
"So glad that didn’t fit me now, you don’t half go on," Cinder-Aggie says with a roll of (his) her eyes.
"Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t have married either of you hags even if the shoe had fit for I have fallen irreversibly, irrevocably …" he leaps to his feet.
"Oh god, he’s a Twihard. Stake him with the shoe!" Step-Aggie grabs the tissue box.
"…in love with my manservant!" With that Arthur dips Merlin to one side and kisses him.
Merlin kisses him back, a teeny tiny little, before Cinder-Aggie beats Prince-Arthur over the head with the tissue box and the three of them fall on the stage in a heap.
"Who in sod’s name is going to remove these corpses?" Step-Aggie asks angrily, nudging Cinder-Aggie with her toes. The adjudicator calls time.
"Darn it, you’re still a toad," Merlin says dejectedly as Arthur helps him up and Education are declared victorious by a single point.
"I knew we’d win." Arthur claps Merlin's back proudly. "Thanks for the loan of your boyfriend Gwaine!" he calls into the audience.
"Don’t make a habit of it!" Gwaine replies with a grin at Merlin.
Merlin grins back.
Tonight was brilliant.
continue...