the intention was to write a few sentences. it didn't pan out.
The downfall of not having friends is when you've sat on your bed hunched over your laptop writing the final draft of an essay due tomorrow morning that will have a large part in your final grade for most of the 4pm to the current 11:57 pm time with a back so sore it's making you naseous whileyou haven't seen your mom for most of hte day because she's extremely stressed and busy as well. When through this whole time you keep plugging through without taking a break becuase you know that when she gets home from that military Christmas party wiht your dad you'll both cuddle up in bed with Lillie and what CSI or some other great show and the stresses will evaporate. It's tough not having friends when they get home and you want her to read your paper even though you haven't proofread it yet but thats what she always helps you with, she can't because her head hurts from the wine. Your dad tries to help you with your time log and the cells and blocks on Word that make you madder at your beloved laptop then ever before, you keep wondering why they had to choose such a disgusting name for those columns, "cells" asking you to split them or create them or this and that when all you really want to do is add more you so can finish your time sheet and maybe be almost done, you end up with a rubix cude like array of little tiny squares scattered about and your dad keeps counting things over and over because of the wine so you jsut tell me you understnad and thank you for helping but really you just can't stand the smell and the clumsiness becuase no matter what when they both are like that and it rarely rarely happens but when it does it gives you that sick abandoned feeling you always got, the feeling that you got that time you were little but it's worse when she is affected, your rock, your best friend, the only person and favorite person in your life that takes care of you isn't herself and is not that person. It's worse than her not being here at all becuase there's nothing you can do.
So here you are still hunched over your computer done with the sobs you kept quiet for once by turning them into air instead of voice sobs once they both went to bed and you were alone, only those dried tears and the promise of their return if you give your situation thought again. Your blood sugar is low and that is a problem, it always is it makes you shaky and dizzy but what's new, you stuff a brownie into your mouth and hope that it spikes your blood sugar enough becuase you have neither the desire nor the energy to eat anything more substantial, you can't get it down your throat though. The cats are difhting in the hall banging and wailing and htat truly is an unnerving annoyance like some may think of a baby's shriek but lillie is safe in here with you. how is it that the squirt bottle is always always missing and you beng the plate of brownie against the trash can that your sister who is old enough to put it away herself left on the table in the dark kitchen, you bang it much harder than needed but that's the only other outburst you've let out. you have a painting to finish tomorrow afternoon but you want to come home and stay in bed, by yourself. you'll wallow and feel sorry for yourself that your mommy didn't help you and that your paper will probably suck because working on it much more at this point will give you a minor nervous breakdown.
you're not going back to college anyways but yet you realy really wanted to get a good grade for this class, the mean scary teacher that you actually really like and want to please, she even gave you a B on your last paper which is alike an A+ in any other semi difficult class.
you'll brush your teeth to get the sweet;y roten aste of brownie out of your mouth, you'll work on your paper and enter the S P's and Q's. maybe if your'e ever really done with it tonight you'll watch gossip girl, you might even make coffee at 1am becasue no one is even around and that is exactly the point and reason why you are and why you may.
that was when it crossed your mind at how alone you are when everyone in your family is asleep, when your confidante and only one is not herself. you'll quickly go through the people in your life that are actually here for you but that takes less than a second becuase the truth is in a flower weighing 7 pounds and covered in fuzz.
soon the aftermath will wash over as the tears that never surfaced turn into vapor and calm your body making a dull ringing noise in your ears that isn't really a noise at all but perhaps the lack of noise, the lack of emotion when you're void of what you felt before and not yet feeling what you will feel next, the kind of blankness you get on benadryl. she's done she doesn't care about grades she does though she is only herself regardless of a bad paper she sees behind it and what it was made of. you are an island, you have a bridge to hang up and tear down at your leisure connecting you to land.
her head is spinning for no reason in particular, you hope it doesn't fall off don't you. you're going to lay down and arch your back the opposite direction of the way it's been hunched for the past 7 hours.
and you'll give lillie attention when you finish your paper.
and then you might make some coffe at 1am.
becuase no one is around to scold you.
and the fact that no one is around is exactly the point.
edit: it got worse (i no rite?) before it got better. I struggled to make scans from the book for the reference but then I looked at Lillie who had been whining for attention the entire day and her little ears were bright red and warm, so of course I start freaking out about that, thinking she might have a fever, considering waking up my sister who reads and studies all sorts of cat books and such so i got to her with questions to my mom so she can evaluate if we need to take her to the doctor immediately.
you know when you're a first time parent, well i've heard this many times, with their first child alot of parents, moms especially over-react to on their baby's symptoms, my mom took me to the emergency room for every this that and the other because i was the first.
it's like that with Lillie, especially because she was my one and only at this point and now i was worried about her. I researched "warm, red cat ears" on the net and came up witht he possibility of infection and blah blha. i calmed down and set to finish all the essay crap asap so i could snuggle with her.
So I'm looking at the copy I printed out, of the essay, the one I print out to edit free-handedly and then revise on the computer at least a few times and lo and behold I didn't save it, so I'm left with only what is in my hand. Choice was to either type the entire thing back up or just make written edits and such.
I made written edits and said poo to that whole thing becuase no way was I re-writing that darned paper.
Then it got better, I made coffee which was very strange not only becuase of the time but because I couldn't decide if it was too weak or too strong, I'm not used to making such small batches.
I got a pancake stick and Lillie and I went to my room where we then watched Gossip Girl (soooo good I realized that part of ChuckBass's appeal is the way he talks, freal.) Then Grey's Anatomy, then a Bones I record every Monday on TNT.
This may in fact be the longest entry of my life.
Now I'm faced with the decision to either type the thing our or watch tv. I'm doing suprisingly well for only getting around 3 hours of sleep, and trust me that is HUGE, the only time I've ever stayed up all night was in coco when S and I had to leave for the airport at like 3am so we didn't sleep. That of course ended up in the well-remembered sobbing fits in corners of the airport, crying fits alone after S's plane left and I was at the terminal or whatever all alone. But then I went to the military thing where military people go, like a lounge, and watched "How the West was Won" (the amazing MK and A one from when we were small!) on a fuzzy vhs until I had to leave.
This is my problem, I get off track whenever I write, I ramble.
Back to the point, I don't do well on lack of sleep.