I've got to remember this is just a game...
"Paradox."
Friends with benefits, if you want to call it that. In the dark of his basement, not exactly alone but we could forget about the others, it's almost like we could be that way. The warmth, the way his hand feels in mine, the way he smells, pressed to me close; it's not what I imagined but that isn't to say it's disappointing in the slightest. Because honestly, if I could kiss him right now I would, I would, and I wouldn't be able to stop there, and that's the part that scares me the most. His bed isn't more than ten feet away though I would be fine with it right here, anywhere, really; and when I feel his fingers curl around mine and tug a little I feel like I might black out. It's too warm; not warm enough; too close; fucking closer; I want this so bad; I can't have it; shit.
Can I blame him? Is this all my fault? What the hell is wrong with me? Him? This? He doesn't need to smile at me like that, let me lay so close; of course, if he doesn't, then I might be even worse off. Is it better not knowing what this feels like? Is it possible to feel more empty and at the same time more complete? I can't help but think that if I tried, I might get my answer...
And if I don't. What then? I want to regret this. I don't want to have to regret a thing. My mind's a fucking paradox and it almost makes sense, in the most convoluted way. Or at least, the parts that do make sense are the parts that hurt the most; the rest is just frustrating and I can't (can) see how doing anything is going to make a difference.
Give in? Give up? Just give it all away? Every option seems like the right one, but right now the pros and cons of this are like the pros and cons of breathing, and I don't know whether I should try to resurface or let myself suffocate with the remains of my rationality.