Lyrical Membrane
There are moments in you life when nothing feels right. It doesn't have to be depressing, though. It's like when you were little and you would sit for hours doing a puzzle but you get stuck on this one piece. You keep trying to put it in, twist it, turn it, pick a new spot but it never fits.
If you slowed everything down you would see the feeling I'm talking about. It's quick and fleeting but it's there. A sadness or mourning that's filled with confusion and frustration.
That's the feeling I'm talking about. You could be walking through a crowded place and suddenly it will just hit you sometimes it'll make you pause and you'll wonder why you suddenly don't fit anymore. You could be alone in your room and suddenly it will feel like nothing really belongs to you and your out of place.
For someone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, this is all very confusing. If you've never done a puzzle then you probably don't understand either. But you have experienced it before.
Its that first night in a hotel room, or first time sleeping over at a friends house. It's awkward and frustrating.
Awkward, frustrating, sad, mournful, confusing. It's a flurry of emotion that creates a whole new feeling and it's one of the worst feeling you can ever feel.
I feel like this all the time. It's not simply a matter of fitting in (though I never did that, either) it's different. It's more stifling and it doesn't make you self-conscious only nervous and a bit anxious.
I hum to keep it away. It helps, sort of. The endless buzzing keeps away most strange and unwanted feelings. It stops you from thinking about things you probably should and it makes me seem as if my puzzle piece does fit in, perfectly, and that I had just need to turn it one more time to find the perfect position.
It also stops me from sinking further in to Michael. Michael is my best friend and has violet eyes like Elizabeth Taylor. He's a bookworm and studies hard. He's the person that has nothing come naturally for him, he works hard for everything he has and can do.
Every time I think about him more than I should, I hum.
Humming also stops me from hearing what everyone else says about me. They think I'm stupid and clouded. Michael doesn't.
I have an habit of thinking too much. I'm probably doing that right now, really.
Sometimes I can escape from everything. I'll play music as loud as I can and spin around my room, humming and singing as loud as I can. Music is a release for me and I'm positive that sex, orgasms, could be no where near as much of a relief to me.
Sometimes I'll spin with Puffle. Puffle is a stuffed pig I've had ever since i could remember. No one is really quite sure when I got him. He's just always been there. A solid thing in my life and if I lost him I'm sure I'd never be the same. Michael understands.
Puffle is my friend and he is immortal.
I love staring at the stars, I could do it for hours. They're magnificent. They hold so many hopes and stories. I love looking at the lines and patterns on my skin as well. Each line has a story, I'm sure of it.
Have you ever wondered what made a line appear, right there? Was it a traumatic experience in your life or a a rare happy moments, one of those moments that nothing seems bad in the world, like you were six tears old again?
I think about these things to often. Sometimes I'll tell Michael. I'm not sure if he really understands, he listens though. That's enough.
Weird theories pop into my head sometimes too. They're so vivid and real that I can't help but voice them. That's probably why a lot of the other guys in the academy think I'm strange. They call me the Luna Lovegood of Viktor Pheonix. I don't mind, Luna was the wisest of them all.
I hate how dreary the uniform here is. Black and Orange. It's as if it Halloween all the time. I love Halloween but it's also the day of the dead, of fear. Viktor Pheonix wasn't a place of fear, people were happy here. The halls were oak and white, happy and calming but we dressed dark and fearful.
I never understood it. I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand why the Headmaster didn't like my shoes. I thought they were colourful, a strange beauty in the dark.
Michael says I understand more than I should, but I don't understand what I'm understanding. It's rather complex but I trust Michael so he must be right.
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