This is fucking LONG. I doubt you'll read the whole thing.
You know, on LJ here I sound like some depressed "Life sucks, nothing ever goes right for me" kind of person. When in all reality, things have been looking up lately. Then I come back and write in LJ when all this shit starts up in my life again. Nothing good ever lasts, you know.
It's just...I don't know what to do with Michael, or Gary, or school right now AND for future years, or some friends, or extracurricular shit. It really wears down on me sometimes.
I said I was done with Gary. He IMed me the other night. We talked. We addressed a lot of things that I kept from him, because I didn't think he'd understand. I'm not even positive he understands them NOW, but I just let a lot of it out. He had to go, though, and said we'd talk about it later. I just want him to know everything, to UNDERSTAND everything. He and I are the same right now, we both agreed not to see one another anymore. But the problem is, we WANT to see each other, we KNOW we shouldn't, but we CAN'T say no. We just can't help ourselves. At least that's what I get out of it.
Here we go 'round again...
Then...Michael. I was so convinced that I have all these feelings for him. After Valentine's Day, I just noticed how much I missed being with him. But since then, I've gotten upset time and time again over some things with him. Now I regret saying all the "I miss you"s and "I love you"s that I let slip lately. I want to see him, and be together with him, but then there's the distance issue. There's the same issue with Gary -- we WANT to see each other but we KNOW we shouldn't. And my parents don't approve of me going to see him, because they don't know anything about him and...well they know he's older. They're just "looking out for me". I just don't want to hurt Michael. I just don't know what to do. My feelings fluctuate for the two of them, ALL THE TIME. It fucks things up for them, and it fucks me up beyond belief.
The two of them can make me feel like NOTHING at times, but I still want them. Both. One is closer, easier to see. One is just so much more personal with me, truly cares about me, wants to have everything he can with me. I fucking suck.
I talked to Alyssa yesterday. The first time in a LONG time. I have been so mad at her for awhile, just because we didn't talk anymore. She's a fucking wreck, and she doesn't talk to me anymore. We just talked a little bit about life, and stuff. She's still not doing too well. I know all about her sleeping around with everyone, but I guess she's a little pothead now. I just feel so sorry for her now -- I went from feeling sorry, to feeling "It's her own fucking fault and I DON'T CARE ANYMORE", to being sorry again. She and I really need to talk more; I have so much I want to tell her. I want to be there for her, I want her to trust me (because even her closest friends get fed up with her and fight with her a lot), I just want to do everything I can for her. She is in such a bad position right now, but I want her to know that there IS someone that is understanding that she doesn't have it easy, and although things may be her fault, she can't help all of it, and I will be there to help her through no matter what.
I know that sounds a little "high-school"-like. But I know that if we do get closer, there are times I'll probably get pissed at her. There are things I won't approve of (there already ARE things like that). But I know that no matter what she does to me, if she treats me like shit or just does something absolutely TERRIBLE to me, I still want to be there to help her out.
Courtney and I don't talk anymore. There's one of my best friends -- gone. We're just in a recession, or something. She has Chris, so she's always with him and whatever. She's got Tiz, who's friends with Chris AND Chris's friends, so she's always with Tiz now. We hardly talk during the week, just about really aesthetic, surface things. About scheduling for our schools, whatever. I seriously can't even call her a friend anymore. It makes me feel terrible because she used to mean so much to me, but now here we are, going days without talking to each other. And when we do talk, it's for like, 5 minutes. I don't even know her anymore.
School is just kicking me in the ass. Only trig, really. I have my first test on Monday, and I've never been so scared to take a test in my life. I really need to start getting back into the swing of things -- I haven't been able to concentrate on any schoolwork the past few days. We're doing scheduling for next year. I want to take AP Calculus, but I have to pass a placement test. Which I am scared for. Plus I need to do well in Honors Trig, also. So I need to start working harder in that class. If I take AP Calc next year, I'll be able to take Calc 2 at Lehigh for my senior year. I really want to do that. I have to take a fucking art class and a business class before graduating, and I don't know where to fit that into my schedule. I know what I want to do next year, so maybe I'll do some of it senior year.
I want to do an internship, somewhere, over the summer. I want to get a job over the summer. I want to see if there is a way I can take some sort of college course over the summer. Plus I'll have about 5 books to read for Honors classes over the summer. Then practice tennis...and then the season starting in August. And I want to get a headstart on some SAT stuff for next year. I have so much I WANT to do. I just want to get the most out of my motherfucking education that I can; I just don't know if I'll have the time or strength to do it all.
I am just so stressed right now. All I ever want to do is sleep the day away. No wonder I am the way I am -- I cram in everything I can for school (not to mention "everything" = the hardest shit possible), then I have outside problems that prevent me from getting the best possible grades I can or understanding the work to the full extent. So my outside stressors are starting to intervene with my schoolwork, thus resulting in my stress. Then I sleep rather than trying to solve things.
Fuck me, this is long. It would be a miracle if anyone actually read the whole thing. I'm just a huge fuck-up who's ruining her future by getting involved with people she shouldn't be, and failing to stay attentive during school. I wish everything would go away.
It's just...I don't know what to do with Michael, or Gary, or school right now AND for future years, or some friends, or extracurricular shit. It really wears down on me sometimes.
I said I was done with Gary. He IMed me the other night. We talked. We addressed a lot of things that I kept from him, because I didn't think he'd understand. I'm not even positive he understands them NOW, but I just let a lot of it out. He had to go, though, and said we'd talk about it later. I just want him to know everything, to UNDERSTAND everything. He and I are the same right now, we both agreed not to see one another anymore. But the problem is, we WANT to see each other, we KNOW we shouldn't, but we CAN'T say no. We just can't help ourselves. At least that's what I get out of it.
Here we go 'round again...
Then...Michael. I was so convinced that I have all these feelings for him. After Valentine's Day, I just noticed how much I missed being with him. But since then, I've gotten upset time and time again over some things with him. Now I regret saying all the "I miss you"s and "I love you"s that I let slip lately. I want to see him, and be together with him, but then there's the distance issue. There's the same issue with Gary -- we WANT to see each other but we KNOW we shouldn't. And my parents don't approve of me going to see him, because they don't know anything about him and...well they know he's older. They're just "looking out for me". I just don't want to hurt Michael. I just don't know what to do. My feelings fluctuate for the two of them, ALL THE TIME. It fucks things up for them, and it fucks me up beyond belief.
The two of them can make me feel like NOTHING at times, but I still want them. Both. One is closer, easier to see. One is just so much more personal with me, truly cares about me, wants to have everything he can with me. I fucking suck.
I talked to Alyssa yesterday. The first time in a LONG time. I have been so mad at her for awhile, just because we didn't talk anymore. She's a fucking wreck, and she doesn't talk to me anymore. We just talked a little bit about life, and stuff. She's still not doing too well. I know all about her sleeping around with everyone, but I guess she's a little pothead now. I just feel so sorry for her now -- I went from feeling sorry, to feeling "It's her own fucking fault and I DON'T CARE ANYMORE", to being sorry again. She and I really need to talk more; I have so much I want to tell her. I want to be there for her, I want her to trust me (because even her closest friends get fed up with her and fight with her a lot), I just want to do everything I can for her. She is in such a bad position right now, but I want her to know that there IS someone that is understanding that she doesn't have it easy, and although things may be her fault, she can't help all of it, and I will be there to help her through no matter what.
I know that sounds a little "high-school"-like. But I know that if we do get closer, there are times I'll probably get pissed at her. There are things I won't approve of (there already ARE things like that). But I know that no matter what she does to me, if she treats me like shit or just does something absolutely TERRIBLE to me, I still want to be there to help her out.
Courtney and I don't talk anymore. There's one of my best friends -- gone. We're just in a recession, or something. She has Chris, so she's always with him and whatever. She's got Tiz, who's friends with Chris AND Chris's friends, so she's always with Tiz now. We hardly talk during the week, just about really aesthetic, surface things. About scheduling for our schools, whatever. I seriously can't even call her a friend anymore. It makes me feel terrible because she used to mean so much to me, but now here we are, going days without talking to each other. And when we do talk, it's for like, 5 minutes. I don't even know her anymore.
School is just kicking me in the ass. Only trig, really. I have my first test on Monday, and I've never been so scared to take a test in my life. I really need to start getting back into the swing of things -- I haven't been able to concentrate on any schoolwork the past few days. We're doing scheduling for next year. I want to take AP Calculus, but I have to pass a placement test. Which I am scared for. Plus I need to do well in Honors Trig, also. So I need to start working harder in that class. If I take AP Calc next year, I'll be able to take Calc 2 at Lehigh for my senior year. I really want to do that. I have to take a fucking art class and a business class before graduating, and I don't know where to fit that into my schedule. I know what I want to do next year, so maybe I'll do some of it senior year.
I want to do an internship, somewhere, over the summer. I want to get a job over the summer. I want to see if there is a way I can take some sort of college course over the summer. Plus I'll have about 5 books to read for Honors classes over the summer. Then practice tennis...and then the season starting in August. And I want to get a headstart on some SAT stuff for next year. I have so much I WANT to do. I just want to get the most out of my motherfucking education that I can; I just don't know if I'll have the time or strength to do it all.
I am just so stressed right now. All I ever want to do is sleep the day away. No wonder I am the way I am -- I cram in everything I can for school (not to mention "everything" = the hardest shit possible), then I have outside problems that prevent me from getting the best possible grades I can or understanding the work to the full extent. So my outside stressors are starting to intervene with my schoolwork, thus resulting in my stress. Then I sleep rather than trying to solve things.
Fuck me, this is long. It would be a miracle if anyone actually read the whole thing. I'm just a huge fuck-up who's ruining her future by getting involved with people she shouldn't be, and failing to stay attentive during school. I wish everything would go away.