Death and College
Went with Hero to a cemetery today. My first real visit to one. I never knew him. I was there to ensure that she'd get out of the car and visit him, not like every other time before where she sat a few gravestones away or wandered aimlessly. Sometimes, in the most momentous moments of our lives, the ones we have to initiate ourselves, we need someone else there. Just their presence is enough to push us to actually do it. No one wants to fail out in front of their friends.
But despite that, I was there for support. To catch her if she needed it.
The girl is made of iron. She held herself, cried, pushed through it,said her hellos, read her poetry, lit a smoke and got in the car. The ride back was silent. Well, as silent as it can be with music up all the way.
It made me think.
Cemeteries are places to say good bye.
I was saying hello.
I said hello to Death today.
I've never had anyone in my life die. Not anyone I was close with anyway.
A girl in my class killed herself last year. I knew her, had grown up with her, had complimented her on her artwork over and over again. She sat across from me in Lit. Then one morning I came in, the teacher was sobbing and her seat was empty. It stayed empty almost the entire year. I cried. Any absence of human life always makes me ache. I almost cried at the cemetery today. But I didn't go to the funeral. I mourned in private. Felt like I'd be mocking her memory if I showed up. "Hi Sara, you and I didn't really know each other, but I'm here anyway."
It doesn't scare me to die.
It scares me that someday others will die and I'll be left behind.
Just like it used to scare me that everyone was going to leave for college and I'd still be here.
College doesn't change things nearly as much as a passing.
And yet, I'm bracing myself.
Brace myself on a regular basis.
It scares me to write this, but lately I've been feeling like it's hanging over me, death is, that's in imminent. I'm not waiting for it. And I don't really feel like it's waiting for me exactly. But I definitely feel aware of it. That every moment is given rather than assumed.
I don't know.
I'm crazy and it's hard to describe.
But despite that, I was there for support. To catch her if she needed it.
The girl is made of iron. She held herself, cried, pushed through it,said her hellos, read her poetry, lit a smoke and got in the car. The ride back was silent. Well, as silent as it can be with music up all the way.
It made me think.
Cemeteries are places to say good bye.
I was saying hello.
I said hello to Death today.
I've never had anyone in my life die. Not anyone I was close with anyway.
A girl in my class killed herself last year. I knew her, had grown up with her, had complimented her on her artwork over and over again. She sat across from me in Lit. Then one morning I came in, the teacher was sobbing and her seat was empty. It stayed empty almost the entire year. I cried. Any absence of human life always makes me ache. I almost cried at the cemetery today. But I didn't go to the funeral. I mourned in private. Felt like I'd be mocking her memory if I showed up. "Hi Sara, you and I didn't really know each other, but I'm here anyway."
It doesn't scare me to die.
It scares me that someday others will die and I'll be left behind.
Just like it used to scare me that everyone was going to leave for college and I'd still be here.
College doesn't change things nearly as much as a passing.
And yet, I'm bracing myself.
Brace myself on a regular basis.
It scares me to write this, but lately I've been feeling like it's hanging over me, death is, that's in imminent. I'm not waiting for it. And I don't really feel like it's waiting for me exactly. But I definitely feel aware of it. That every moment is given rather than assumed.
I don't know.
I'm crazy and it's hard to describe.