(no subject)
i'm sad.
and i don't even know why.
well, i'm lying.
i do know why,
but i also know it's a stupid ass reason.
i never thought in my life i would really depend on other people.
i have always been so free from that.
happiness is what you make of it, right?
but sometimes, i just can't find any.
like now.
but i'm lying again.
because i look around me and i'm in love.
with my friends, who are beyond words wonderfull.
with my family, we may have our issues but who doesn't.
with my life in general.
i have such a good life, and i know it.
everything around me is so good,
and i can't just be happy
because i want everything that i shouldn't
and never will have.
but not really.
i don't know what i'm saying.
even in these words i am being a HYPOcryit.
life would just be simpler if i didn't care so much.
care about other people.
about their lives and their issues.
if i didn't want things.
because then i would never get let down.
the more i think about it, the more his views trump mine.
in a way i am nieve.
i am hopefullll and optomistic.
but why is that so bad?
i'll tell you why.
because then it is so much easier to get FUCKED OVER.
but if you don't have hope, what do you have?
not really anything.
and how boring is that?
how can people live with no hope in anything?
it just seems, to me, like such a sad way to live your life.
your only life that you will have.
i feel like i am letting his views and the way he leads his life change and effect me.
and i don't like that very much.
i believe what i believe and i know what i know
and you can do what you want
and that's okay.
and i have always been open to other people idea and beliefs
but no one has ever effected me like this beofore.
he makes me doubt myself and think and rethink everything in my life.
is that good?
i mean, you shouldn't be completely shut out of other ideas
but should someone really be about to make you question who you are,
who you have been your whole life?
maybe, but if so, why does it suck so much?
and why can't i just let it go?
let him go?
i don't even want the things that everyone talks about.
and i know you all talk about it, which i don't really care,
everyone talks about everyone.
we arn't anything more than friends.
well, i'm lying.
we are more than friends.
but we're not like that.
we don't 'mess around' and we don't 'hook up'
we are very close, yes, and i like it that way.
we are closer with eachother than i even knew up till a few days ago.
it makes me happy to think that i can be one of those people in his life
and him in mine.
i just sort of wish that the outcome of somethings could have been different.
but they arn't, so we try to adjust to that.
it doesn't always work out the best, but it's still an effort.
i just wish he didn't have the walls and bariers that he does.
i think then, this whole thing could be a lot easier for me.
i also just wish that he understood.
understood what i wanted and how i feel.
and i have talked to him, many times.
i just don't ever know how to say it right, i always come up short on my words.
and thats a big deal, i always have somthing to say about everything.
but then when it comes to myself i just come to a screeching hault.
i just want things to be okay with this,
and i don't want to think about it all the time and worry.
i just don't know how to get there.
but i am trying.
and it just sucks that i have to feel this way while trying.
and it sucks that my best friend is away at camp for the rest of the summer
and i don't have him to talk to about it
because he is the only one that really knows both sides and understands.
and hes the only one that doesn't think i am stupid for feeling like this
because he knows that i can't help the fact that he is my person, and i CAN NOT control that.
i just hate how i got use to having him back home and in my life again
and then he goes away again ]:
stupid boy scout camp.
but he loves it and he's happy so i really can't complain.
even though i just did.
i really shouldn't complain about a lot of the things i do.
but i guess, that's who i am.
take it or leave it.
and i don't even know why.
well, i'm lying.
i do know why,
but i also know it's a stupid ass reason.
i never thought in my life i would really depend on other people.
i have always been so free from that.
happiness is what you make of it, right?
but sometimes, i just can't find any.
like now.
but i'm lying again.
because i look around me and i'm in love.
with my friends, who are beyond words wonderfull.
with my family, we may have our issues but who doesn't.
with my life in general.
i have such a good life, and i know it.
everything around me is so good,
and i can't just be happy
because i want everything that i shouldn't
and never will have.
but not really.
i don't know what i'm saying.
even in these words i am being a HYPOcryit.
life would just be simpler if i didn't care so much.
care about other people.
about their lives and their issues.
if i didn't want things.
because then i would never get let down.
the more i think about it, the more his views trump mine.
in a way i am nieve.
i am hopefullll and optomistic.
but why is that so bad?
i'll tell you why.
because then it is so much easier to get FUCKED OVER.
but if you don't have hope, what do you have?
not really anything.
and how boring is that?
how can people live with no hope in anything?
it just seems, to me, like such a sad way to live your life.
your only life that you will have.
i feel like i am letting his views and the way he leads his life change and effect me.
and i don't like that very much.
i believe what i believe and i know what i know
and you can do what you want
and that's okay.
and i have always been open to other people idea and beliefs
but no one has ever effected me like this beofore.
he makes me doubt myself and think and rethink everything in my life.
is that good?
i mean, you shouldn't be completely shut out of other ideas
but should someone really be about to make you question who you are,
who you have been your whole life?
maybe, but if so, why does it suck so much?
and why can't i just let it go?
let him go?
i don't even want the things that everyone talks about.
and i know you all talk about it, which i don't really care,
everyone talks about everyone.
we arn't anything more than friends.
well, i'm lying.
we are more than friends.
but we're not like that.
we don't 'mess around' and we don't 'hook up'
we are very close, yes, and i like it that way.
we are closer with eachother than i even knew up till a few days ago.
it makes me happy to think that i can be one of those people in his life
and him in mine.
i just sort of wish that the outcome of somethings could have been different.
but they arn't, so we try to adjust to that.
it doesn't always work out the best, but it's still an effort.
i just wish he didn't have the walls and bariers that he does.
i think then, this whole thing could be a lot easier for me.
i also just wish that he understood.
understood what i wanted and how i feel.
and i have talked to him, many times.
i just don't ever know how to say it right, i always come up short on my words.
and thats a big deal, i always have somthing to say about everything.
but then when it comes to myself i just come to a screeching hault.
i just want things to be okay with this,
and i don't want to think about it all the time and worry.
i just don't know how to get there.
but i am trying.
and it just sucks that i have to feel this way while trying.
and it sucks that my best friend is away at camp for the rest of the summer
and i don't have him to talk to about it
because he is the only one that really knows both sides and understands.
and hes the only one that doesn't think i am stupid for feeling like this
because he knows that i can't help the fact that he is my person, and i CAN NOT control that.
i just hate how i got use to having him back home and in my life again
and then he goes away again ]:
stupid boy scout camp.
but he loves it and he's happy so i really can't complain.
even though i just did.
i really shouldn't complain about a lot of the things i do.
but i guess, that's who i am.
take it or leave it.