Car VS. Glass 3: The Lies of Stephen
When I went to work last night, much to my surprise, I came in to see fixed windows and a brand new door where once there was plyboard! Yes, folks, my place of employment has been fixed at last. It only took nearly two months.
Now, me, I was counting the days (54) until it got fixed. Looking up and staring into blank wooden panels just isn't motivating for a fellow to do his work. But even more so, a guy can get really tired of answering the same question over and over again.
Every night, invariably I got asked "So, what happen to the windows?"
At first I would be forthright and honest, because maybe, just maybe, given the span of the destruction, they might not figure out that a car ran into the building. (Most of them had already guessed that, but felt the need to ask anyway.) A few thought that the owners might be renovating, which, sure, also works and my patience will allow. But no, I gave them the straight dope. "Someone ran into the building with their car."
Which got followed by "Oh my god! Where they drunk?"
"No, sir, just old."
"Ohhh... Like how old?"
"88."
"And were you here for that? I can imagine something like that being a big surprise during the middle of the night."
"No, sir. I arrived later. This happened during the middle of the day. About 2:30."
"...oh."
Now, I got tired of that same exchange pretty quickly. And yeah, it happened pretty much time and time again verbatim. Sometimes they'd change it up and ask about what kind of car it was. ("Buick? " "No, sir, a Honda Accord!") So I just started outright lying to valued customers! Here are some of the better ones.
"Oh, you know, just another Starbucks Drive By."
"Governor Arnold came back, forgot his wallet in the car, said 'I'll be back!" and the next thing I know, he comes driving through the wall all Terminator Style!"
"Cow Stampede."
"I sneezed. REALLY HARD."
"Somebody didn't like my service."
"Somebody kept asking too many questions."
"Man, you should have seen the fistfight in here!"
And that one led to a whole production I came up with.
They'd ask, "So, what happened to the windows?"
And I'd reply, "Well, sir, I had whup somebody's ass. " *Fistsmack.*
I'd receive incredulous shock. "No way..!" D=
"Oh man! You would not believe what happened. These two dudes come in and start making a ruckus, y'know? I asked them to leave, but they're punks and just start talking shit at me. Then they started stealing my tip money! Well, you know me, I stood all I could stand and I couldn't stand no more. I am up on top of that counter and leaping at this one guy with a flying elbow drop and put his punk ass bitch on the ground. His friend just stares at me like he's stupid, mouth all hanging open, but he's still standing so I start laying. down. the. law. with Thunder and Lightning." *Pantomime throwing punches.*
"Oh my god!" They sometimes responded. When they did this, I knew I really had them.
"With iron and dynamite in my fists, I got that other guy knocked down and I started beating him ugly. His friend had got smart enough, however, to get up off the floor and jump onto my back. I get up and try to spin him off of me, but her was holding on pretty good, so all I could do was start pounding him into the glass there, so I did. I banged him up against the wall a few times and it started breaking, so I had to go over to the next part and beat his head against that. He's finally slackening his grip, enough so that I can flip myself around and face him, and now that I've got a hold of him, I throw him through the window! "
"Dear lord..." I must be one hell of a storyteller, because some of them still didn't get that it was a tall tale that I was spinning for them. That just means you have to go even further!
"But I wasn't through with him yet! Kicking his buddy that I beat ugly in the head to make him stupid, too, just to make sure he would stay down, you understand..."
"Sure, sure."
"I turn and jump through the window after the guy with another flying elbow drop!" It was at the mention of the second flying elbow drop that it clicked for most people. "Now he's bleeding and begging, and my fists are a mess of bruises and cuts, but I'm pissed. I'm just not done with the bastard, so I throw him back in! That's what happened to that window there. Oh, that other one was from the garbage can we knocked over."
Finally, most cry bullshit, and I relent. "But it was a hell of a story, wasn't it?" And they'd agree and I'd finally get on to making their coffee.
There were other, less elaborate lies of Stephen, but they've been forgotten. And so that concludes the story of the Car VS. Glass saga.
Post Script: Some people feel it's necessary for me to point out that it's my birthday. Thank you. But I'm sick and have been for the past week or so, so I'm going to finally drag myself to a clinic to make sure it's nothing serious.