Panic - Ch.14 - ReitaxRuki
Title: Panic
Author: shurikenwielder
Disclaimer: Keep dreaming
Chapters: 14/??
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Psychological
Pairing(s): ReitaxRuki
Warnings: Language, neglect, teasing
Description: You could think a lot of things about a person. That they were weird, stupid, funny, egotistic. How some you enjoy the company of and others you feel like pushing off a cliff. Since the first day thoughts of the Ruki flooded Akira's mind. Now he's determined to uncover the other's mystery.
Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10 - Chapter 11/A - Chapter 11/B - Chapter 12 - Chapter 13
Kai wasn't sure why he ended up here; car parked on the side of the road, him in the seat staring blankly out the dashboard.
He wasn't sure about anything anymore.
He sighed and exited the car, taking the keys out of the ignition and pocketing them. The brunette walked towards a small wooden cross in the grass, it's words we're long since faded with weather damage, but Kai still knew what they said.
In memory of Kenji Matsumoto.
"Hi Dad..." he said quietly, pulling his knees up to his chest.
It wasn't their father's true resting place, but it felt like it to Kai. The cemetery where the actual tombstone was didn't feel right. Just cold and empty like the body beneath.
"It's been a while since I've visited." He smiled lightly to himself as a breeze played with his hair. He liked to think that the other could hear him, could reply in his own way. "Taka found a boyfriend. I wouldn't think you would have imagined him to be gay, but the guy he's with... he really does love him."
"I guess that's what I came here to talk about. I screwed up. I hit his boyfriend, now Taka won't even tell me where he's going. You wouldn't even recognize him anymore Dad. He's become so fragile since the crash. I know I tell you this every time, but... God, I can't believe I scared him..."
The brunette didn't even notice as tears began to stream down his face.
"A-and mother, if you can still even call her that. She's been stalking Taka and Akira. I realize she's distressed that you're not here anymore, but she takes all her frustration out on him just because he changed! It's not fair! He's only seventeen!" the brunette screamed out into the air and rested his head against on top of his knees. "I'm afraid she's gonna hurt him... What kind of a family are we?"
"A fucked up one."
The brunette startled and turned around.
"Aoi?"
The other smiled sadly. "Look whose using the nicknames now."
The brunette nodded and looked back towards the cross. "Habit," he quoted the other's words from earlier.
The other sibling sat next to the other, following his gaze to the small memorial.
"How'd you find me?"
"It wasn't too hard. You looked pretty upset when you left so after a while I just followed from a distance, make sure you didn't do anything-..."
He stopped when the brunette turned towards him with a depressed look.
"That I didn't do what?"
"T-that..." Aoi stuttered. He couldn't look away from the other's eyes. That much sadness.
"You've just been so depressed lately... and after you left I... well the other day I..." the eldest trailed off, hesitantly tearing his gaze.
I found the razor blade under your mattress.
- -
"Kai?" the eldest asked as he walked into their house. "Ruki?"
Guess they're not home.
The sibling shrugged and set his stuff on the counter. He paused as a piece of paper fell to the floor.
'Went to the store. Be back soon.
- Kai'
He recognized the brunette's handwriting before getting to the signature at the bottom.
He sighed. Kai had been spending all his time lately either at the store or at school. And whenever he was home it was only to cook for class and quickly leave again. Aoi didn't blame him at first. With Ruki finally having a friend the brunette didn't need to always stick around the house twenty four seven.
The black haired sibling stood there pondering it for a moment. The next thing he knew, he found himself in the brunette's room, rifling through all of his things.
Something in here has to say why he's been so depressed lately.
The blond didn't seem to notice but he did. The brunette's usual bright smile was dim, he was cooking more than normal, practically nonstop.
And his room is clean. Kai's room is never clean.
He sighed and slammed the other's drawer shut in frustration after finding nothing.
There has to be a journal in here or something...
He paused and looked towards the other's bed. If the brunette was going to hide a journal in his room it would be under the mattress.
He quickly kneeled down and lifted the material, sticking his hand in to feel around.
"Ow!" he sharply retracted his hand as something pricked his finger.
The eldest watched as the blood trickled down from the digit. He frowned and lifted the mattress to see what was under there.
He took a sharp intake of breath as a dim glint caught his eyes. Shaking fingers carefully retrieved the small item.
Aoi was sure he felt himself stop breathing as his mind registered what he was seeing.
It was a small blade from a razor, blood dried and caked to the ridges, the original shine held in the silver fogged by the brunette's fingerprints on them.
He quickly wiped at his eyes as he felt hot tears break free.
I haven't cried in almost two years... he thought silently to himself, eyes never tearing away from the small blade.
He didn't care when the other asked why he was hugging him when he returned home. And he didn't answer when asked why he was crying. No questions were asked when the eldest sibling refused to leave the brunette's side for the rest of the night.
- -
Aoi's eyes burned at the memory. He quickly willed them away and returned his attention to his sibling.
"I found the razor you keep under your mattress," he said quietly.
The brunette stiffened at the sudden confession.
"W-what?" he whispered back softly enough that his words almost blended in with the wind.
"The razor; I found it," he turned towards the other. "Why would you hurt yourself Yutaka?" he asked, voice cracking halfway through.
"I-it's... you wouldn't understand."
The eldest placed his hand on the other's shoulder. "Then help me understand."
His eyes widened as the other suddenly slapped away his hand.
"It's too much!" the brunette screeched, standing up from his position. "Mother, Takanori, Shinji, Father; it hurts too much!" Tears began to roll down the tan cheeks the longer he screamed. "Father's dead, Takanori has changed into Ruki and even he probably hates me now, Mother hates him and is trying to hurt him somehow, and I had to break up with the person I love the most!"
He fell back to his knees, sobbing freely. "It's not fair. Why should I have to lose my love just because that asshole can't stand gay people? Why should I have to break it off or else he'll hurt Shinji, or knowing what happened to me, he probably would have killed him."
He was so caught up in his emotions that he didn't even notice that he had just told the other unintentionally about his scars.
Aoi was frozen to his spot. He hadn't known this much pressure had been building on his sibling's shoulders.
When father had died the other had said he could deal with it.
When their little brother changed the brunette had said he could handle it.
And again with mother.
And again when Kai had told Aoi that him and Shinji had broke up because it hadn't been working out.
How is this handling it? Aoi thought, thinking back to the razor.
"Who? And what did he do to you?" he asked.
Kai's head snapped up as he realized his mistake.
"It's nothing-"
"Bullshit Yutaka!" the other screamed, feeling his own tears beginning to fall. "It was enough to make you start cutting yourself. I just want to know what he did."
The brunette stared at the other shocked. He hadn't thought the other would react like this.
"He..." memories of everything began to flood his head. He quickly pushed them away. "H-he just cut me h-here," he grabbed the other's hand and brought it to his abdomen, tracing the raised scars. "... here, and here."
Aoi paused as his fingertips ran over the last one. He lightly traced it until it finally ended at the small of the other's back.
Why? he thought to himself. All these years and he never told me...
Noticing his sibling's silence the brunette spoke up.
"Yuu?"
"Yuu!" He yelled as the other suddenly grabbed his arm and lifted the sleeve of his shirt.
The eldest hiccuped as the scabs and scars on the other's upper arm were revealed. He wasn't sure whether to be relieved that the cuts were shallow or worried why there were so many.
One, two, three, four... he counted tracing the cuts as he did so. His fingers began to shake the longer he did so. Eleven, twelve, t-thirteen...
All the while the brunette had scrunched his eyes closed waiting for his sibling to yell and scream at him for doing this to himself. He hadn't meant to make so many. The first one was an accident and he'd just lost control from there.
The brown eyes quickly flew open as he didn't hear screams, but rather felt the other pull him into his arms.
"P-please..." the other whispered onto his hair. "Don't do this to yourself anymore."
"Yuu-" Kai tried to reassure the black haired sibling, but the other continued to ramble.
"I can move back home if you want. Would that help? I-I can quit my job and find one closer to home. Anything you need Yutaka-"
"Yuu!" He cut the other off. "You don't need to do any of that."
The eldest quickly crumbled and tightened his grip on his sibling. "Then what? I'll do anything. J-just don't do that anymore... just don't..." he trailed off as sobs began to rack through his lithe frame.
Kai felt as if someone had taken a vice grip on his heart and twisted it. Aoi hadn't cried in nearly two years aside from a few nights ago, but it had only been for a few seconds. He didn't want to be the one to make his older brother cry.
"I'm sorry, it's just I've been so depressed lately and then Ruki hates me-"
"Ruki doesn't hate you Kai," the elder cut the other off with a confused tone, switching back to their nicknames.
"Then why wouldn't he tell me?"
The black haired sibling had no answer for that. But someone else did.
He quickly got out his phone, wiping at his eyes in order to see the names being projected back at him. He scrolled down and stopped as as Akira's name was highlighted.
"Hello?" the blond's voice carried through the phone after ringing a few times.
"Ruki?"
The blond hummed in agreement. "Akira's asleep," he replied back at the lake house around a much happier demeanor than his two older siblings at the moment. He smiled and ran his fingers through the brunette locks much like the other had done to him this morning.
The other sighed and subconsciously leaned into the touch, nestling his head into the blond's lap.
Ruki had begun to notice how Akira would stay up for hours on end when they went to sleep to make sure the other wasn't having nightmares like the night before. Leading to why he always woke up so much later than the blond.
The younger smiled to himself. He had asked the other lie down after noticing how he was yawning when they had finished lunch.
'Why do you always stay up so late?' he had asked.
The other had simply smiled and held the other's hands in his. 'To make sure you're okay.'
"Ruki?" he heard his oldest sibling talk through the phone again.
"Hm?"
"Kai wants to talk to you okay?"
The blond paused. Had the brunette finally calmed down?
"... K-kay..." he answered nervously.
Catching the other's tone, Aoi quickly handed off the phone to his sibling.
"Ruki?" he tried carefully, afraid his little brother had hung up already.
"Yutaka?"
The brunette froze as he heard his real name.
"W-what?"
On the other end the blond smiled at his sibling's surprise. "I said Yutaka."
"You said my name..." the other repeated in shock. "Does that mean I can-... T-takanori?"
"Yeah, Yutaka?"
He felt tears break free and roll down his cheeks, but not for sadness, but for happiness this time. It was his dream come true. Their little brother was using their real names.
"Taka... you're back-" he said without thinking.
While the other continued to ramble Ruki felt guilt fill him slightly because he was only saying what he knew his sibling wanted to hear. He hadn't wanted to call the other by his real name at all, but it seemed to be the only thing that would cheer him up at the moment. After all he had made his siblings practically change their names and lifestyle for him; the least he could do was try to return the favor.
"-and after all of these years we can be a whole family again," the brunette concludes his speech, not even realizing he was unintentionally hurting the other again.
W-we... we weren't a family before? The blond realized that things had changed after the crash, but he hadn't thought it would be enough for the other to think otherwise.
"Y-yeah..." he replied, voice cracking towards the end.
"Taka?" his sibling said noticing his little brother's distress. "What's wrong?"
The blond quickly snapped out of it and replied. "N-nothing. I just forgot to take my anemia medicine."
"Ah, you should probably go take that," he paused for a moment. "I'll see you on Monday okay Taka?"
"Yeah," the blond simply answered quietly and hung up.
He hiccuped as a few stray tears made their way down his cheeks.
... but I'm Ruki...
- -
Chapter 15
AN: Hm... that was shorter than what I intended... Ano, yeah, better than nothing though, right? Anywayz feel free to tell me what you think (^^")