Penny for your thoughts?
Hm, spent some time discussing my problems with people.
Answer? It's partially cultural.
A visitor (who I can consider my friend, I guess?) asked me a question, summed up as "If I need to borrow a couple thousand dollars from you in the future, would that be okay?"
In China, that seems pretty common. This whole notion of "You help me; I'll help you" goes a long way, and it's apparently not that uncommon for friends to loan each other boatloads of money. Cultural honor code, if you will.
Here? Even getting something like tax advice is un-allowed, because there's this notion of personal liability. Symbiosis isn't expected, nor is it frankly encouraged.
It's like... me trusting a supposed friend with an idea I had, and then getting backstabbed as said ex-friend submitted my idea to an idea competition with a bunch of his friends, and without even giving me the courtesy of knowing he did it.
I trusted someone, and my trust was completely broken.
You then apply that principle to general work-goals. People are much more willing to help you when you guys are closer than just "work/lab mates." Even though I'm willing to spend a week helping to rewrite a friend's journal paper (said friend got review comments saying his English needed lots of improvement LOL), there's no way that most people would go out of their way to do that, friend or vague "colleague." Another one of my friends recently complained about being tasked with improving another labmate's slides. And he was like "no way am I going to spend 5 hours doing this." That's funny. This friend is also the same friend that said "I'll only spend 24 hours helping you, because that's how much time you spent helping us." That explains it. I took that as a personal insult, because I would have never told someone asking me for help that. (In the end, I didn't even get so much as an acknowledgement in his slides that he used my code to test his chip LOL).
Basically, the difference is this: I did not, up until this point, have some "strings attached" condition to how much I was willing to help people. If someone asks me for advice/help and I think I'm capable of giving it, I usually spend time on it. I just expect that people will do the same for me. But culturally, people are more likely to prioritize themselves over others, so really, it's not a personal insult... it's just that people here don't like working for some greater good/goal. I personally think it's bad, but whatever. They only work for some some greater goal = say, improving research center infrastructure, if they are forced to by higher ups (legit repercussions if they don't), or they themselves can immediately benefit. Short sighted, selfish, what have you. The funny part? It takes a lot to get them to admit it = hypocritical?
Which leads me to some off-topic anecdotes:
This kind of reminds me of Catholic school. They teach you to love your brothers as you would yourself or whatever = treat people the way you want to be treated. = I was "brainwashed" to behave well, trust people, what have you... only to have some of my said Catholic school classmates 1) steal money from my lunchbox, 2) steal my vocabulary workbook the day before it was due and dump it into a trailer, 3) steal my homework out of a turn-in box and replace my name with his. Yeah... I really should've learned from this experience early on that being a "nice girl" = letting other people step on you. --> You need to be selfish and protect yourself.
Today, I noticed that there was a leak above my bathroom ceiling. I called the landlord, who didn't really want to deal with it this weekend (both of us were unsure about what would be the repercussions of holding out until Monday), because it would cost him 2x to have workers come in during the weekend. Sadly, this is a better outcome than previous landlord/me experiences. I think said people are short-sighted, because even if they can save money up front, long-term repair costs will probably be high, not that I'm in any position to give advice. Whatever, I shouldn't care. I did my due diligence. I will, however, be pissed off, if waiting until Monday causes repairs to take longer (if I won't have access to the shower, or if damage spreads elsewhere).
In such a sense, I think I had both my and my landlord's best interests in mind when I reported it immediately after having heard it. Too bad he doesn't feel that way.
Expectations.
1) Learn to reject helping people, because if it's not worth your time, then it really isn't.
2) People generally don't have your back, even if you think you have theirs.
3) In general, lower my expectations of other people.
I was complaining about lack of team work + communication and getting blamed for stuff in my last post, and then my friend proceeded to send me an article about effective leadership, which amounted to... essentially... being willing to delegate work and not hog all of the responsibilities.
I read it. In an ideal team situation, that would work well. You want to make motivated team members feel like their work is impactful. As projects become larger, you can't expect to do everything yourself.
The problem? The article pre-supposes you have responsible, motivated team members who actually care about the success of the project. You think that'd be true in grad school, but when you're working with masters students who just want their degree and peace out right as the project is ramping up to something... or you work with people who spin around and around and can't deliver on simple tasks, because they get stuck in a loop and are really stubborn about listening to advice for the sake of the team...
(You'd be surprised -- even if people mean well/work hard, they don't always do what's best for the team. It's fine to prioritize learning x,y,z skill as long as you don't miss deadlines that are critical for team success. It's not fine to pout and complain if your inability to produce things during milestones [and lack of communication regarding difficulties] leads other people to come up with contingency plans.)
Then the advice the article gives you is kind of meaningless...
Anyways, slight change of topic. Essentially, I took offense to this idea of me not being able to delegate work, because, in all cases, I tried. I don't like feeling trivialized. I don't like feeling left out of meetings. I like getting important stuff to work on. The problem? I think that other people feel the same way. Therefore, rather than not delegating, I give people hard problems to solve. But maybe other people don't like taking such a big leap. I need to rearrange expectations to match theirs... And try to get people to communicate better. It's not good to give unmotivated people hard problems, have them fail to solve them, and then give them trivial problems. Then they feel even less motivated. @_@
The way I work is different from the way they work. The way I go about solving problems is different from the way they go about solving problems.
When I was struggling with research a year ago and no one would listen to my questions -- instead, they were shutting me down with "you're wrong" or "go away"... I again, took that personally.
Unfortunately, the problem is, the way they think (which I don't think is necessarily the right way, and definitely not for me) is just different from the way I think. Sometimes, I just like talking to/at people. I might even come up with the answer to a question in the middle of my question... but just give me a chance to articulate it verbally. If you don't give me that chance, then I feel like I've been shut down and I get really sad. Also, seriously, I take it very personally, because I had an !@#$% English teacher once tell me that I shouldn't ask him any questions for the rest of the school year (this was back in middle school). But people have different circumstances, and don't really give a shit when other people learn differently, and it's too much to expect that other people will adapt to you. In his case, I really think he did something not quite cool, especially because he was the teacher, and he was supposed to be a good example to follow... But I can understand when people are busy and don't have time to deal with you...
Okay, back to my point. We need to be clear on each others' expectations. That really means better communication. If you think you'll ramp up faster by taking on small tasks first, tell me. I won't pre-suppose you're like me and give you something too overwhelming. That also means that you need to communicate with me and the rest of the team that you're struggling. Some people might feel bad about communicating when they need help, but that's your responsibility to the team. If you keep making it seem like things are great when they ask you for progress updates and can't deliver... you're letting your whole team down. No more egos please. If we had known, we could have put more resources towards your problem and that would help everyone.
If your ego does get in the way of things, then maybe, in a real environment, it's necessary to let you go. If you really can't find it in yourself to be motivated by this project, then maybe it's best for you and the team to find some other thing you'd jive better with.
Teamwork can't succeed with the mentality of most people I encounter here. You really need to have each other's backs. If I need help, please don't ignore me. If you need help, please let us all know.
As we go into a project, we need to know where we all stand and don't pre-suppose anything. Then we can actually maybe do a reasonable job calibrating our expectations... Even if that, in most cases, means lowering mine, because as I keep seeing over and over again, people just don't operate the way I think they will or should. >_>
Answer? It's partially cultural.
A visitor (who I can consider my friend, I guess?) asked me a question, summed up as "If I need to borrow a couple thousand dollars from you in the future, would that be okay?"
In China, that seems pretty common. This whole notion of "You help me; I'll help you" goes a long way, and it's apparently not that uncommon for friends to loan each other boatloads of money. Cultural honor code, if you will.
Here? Even getting something like tax advice is un-allowed, because there's this notion of personal liability. Symbiosis isn't expected, nor is it frankly encouraged.
It's like... me trusting a supposed friend with an idea I had, and then getting backstabbed as said ex-friend submitted my idea to an idea competition with a bunch of his friends, and without even giving me the courtesy of knowing he did it.
I trusted someone, and my trust was completely broken.
You then apply that principle to general work-goals. People are much more willing to help you when you guys are closer than just "work/lab mates." Even though I'm willing to spend a week helping to rewrite a friend's journal paper (said friend got review comments saying his English needed lots of improvement LOL), there's no way that most people would go out of their way to do that, friend or vague "colleague." Another one of my friends recently complained about being tasked with improving another labmate's slides. And he was like "no way am I going to spend 5 hours doing this." That's funny. This friend is also the same friend that said "I'll only spend 24 hours helping you, because that's how much time you spent helping us." That explains it. I took that as a personal insult, because I would have never told someone asking me for help that. (In the end, I didn't even get so much as an acknowledgement in his slides that he used my code to test his chip LOL).
Basically, the difference is this: I did not, up until this point, have some "strings attached" condition to how much I was willing to help people. If someone asks me for advice/help and I think I'm capable of giving it, I usually spend time on it. I just expect that people will do the same for me. But culturally, people are more likely to prioritize themselves over others, so really, it's not a personal insult... it's just that people here don't like working for some greater good/goal. I personally think it's bad, but whatever. They only work for some some greater goal = say, improving research center infrastructure, if they are forced to by higher ups (legit repercussions if they don't), or they themselves can immediately benefit. Short sighted, selfish, what have you. The funny part? It takes a lot to get them to admit it = hypocritical?
Which leads me to some off-topic anecdotes:
This kind of reminds me of Catholic school. They teach you to love your brothers as you would yourself or whatever = treat people the way you want to be treated. = I was "brainwashed" to behave well, trust people, what have you... only to have some of my said Catholic school classmates 1) steal money from my lunchbox, 2) steal my vocabulary workbook the day before it was due and dump it into a trailer, 3) steal my homework out of a turn-in box and replace my name with his. Yeah... I really should've learned from this experience early on that being a "nice girl" = letting other people step on you. --> You need to be selfish and protect yourself.
Today, I noticed that there was a leak above my bathroom ceiling. I called the landlord, who didn't really want to deal with it this weekend (both of us were unsure about what would be the repercussions of holding out until Monday), because it would cost him 2x to have workers come in during the weekend. Sadly, this is a better outcome than previous landlord/me experiences. I think said people are short-sighted, because even if they can save money up front, long-term repair costs will probably be high, not that I'm in any position to give advice. Whatever, I shouldn't care. I did my due diligence. I will, however, be pissed off, if waiting until Monday causes repairs to take longer (if I won't have access to the shower, or if damage spreads elsewhere).
In such a sense, I think I had both my and my landlord's best interests in mind when I reported it immediately after having heard it. Too bad he doesn't feel that way.
Expectations.
1) Learn to reject helping people, because if it's not worth your time, then it really isn't.
2) People generally don't have your back, even if you think you have theirs.
3) In general, lower my expectations of other people.
I was complaining about lack of team work + communication and getting blamed for stuff in my last post, and then my friend proceeded to send me an article about effective leadership, which amounted to... essentially... being willing to delegate work and not hog all of the responsibilities.
I read it. In an ideal team situation, that would work well. You want to make motivated team members feel like their work is impactful. As projects become larger, you can't expect to do everything yourself.
The problem? The article pre-supposes you have responsible, motivated team members who actually care about the success of the project. You think that'd be true in grad school, but when you're working with masters students who just want their degree and peace out right as the project is ramping up to something... or you work with people who spin around and around and can't deliver on simple tasks, because they get stuck in a loop and are really stubborn about listening to advice for the sake of the team...
(You'd be surprised -- even if people mean well/work hard, they don't always do what's best for the team. It's fine to prioritize learning x,y,z skill as long as you don't miss deadlines that are critical for team success. It's not fine to pout and complain if your inability to produce things during milestones [and lack of communication regarding difficulties] leads other people to come up with contingency plans.)
Then the advice the article gives you is kind of meaningless...
Anyways, slight change of topic. Essentially, I took offense to this idea of me not being able to delegate work, because, in all cases, I tried. I don't like feeling trivialized. I don't like feeling left out of meetings. I like getting important stuff to work on. The problem? I think that other people feel the same way. Therefore, rather than not delegating, I give people hard problems to solve. But maybe other people don't like taking such a big leap. I need to rearrange expectations to match theirs... And try to get people to communicate better. It's not good to give unmotivated people hard problems, have them fail to solve them, and then give them trivial problems. Then they feel even less motivated. @_@
The way I work is different from the way they work. The way I go about solving problems is different from the way they go about solving problems.
When I was struggling with research a year ago and no one would listen to my questions -- instead, they were shutting me down with "you're wrong" or "go away"... I again, took that personally.
Unfortunately, the problem is, the way they think (which I don't think is necessarily the right way, and definitely not for me) is just different from the way I think. Sometimes, I just like talking to/at people. I might even come up with the answer to a question in the middle of my question... but just give me a chance to articulate it verbally. If you don't give me that chance, then I feel like I've been shut down and I get really sad. Also, seriously, I take it very personally, because I had an !@#$% English teacher once tell me that I shouldn't ask him any questions for the rest of the school year (this was back in middle school). But people have different circumstances, and don't really give a shit when other people learn differently, and it's too much to expect that other people will adapt to you. In his case, I really think he did something not quite cool, especially because he was the teacher, and he was supposed to be a good example to follow... But I can understand when people are busy and don't have time to deal with you...
Okay, back to my point. We need to be clear on each others' expectations. That really means better communication. If you think you'll ramp up faster by taking on small tasks first, tell me. I won't pre-suppose you're like me and give you something too overwhelming. That also means that you need to communicate with me and the rest of the team that you're struggling. Some people might feel bad about communicating when they need help, but that's your responsibility to the team. If you keep making it seem like things are great when they ask you for progress updates and can't deliver... you're letting your whole team down. No more egos please. If we had known, we could have put more resources towards your problem and that would help everyone.
If your ego does get in the way of things, then maybe, in a real environment, it's necessary to let you go. If you really can't find it in yourself to be motivated by this project, then maybe it's best for you and the team to find some other thing you'd jive better with.
Teamwork can't succeed with the mentality of most people I encounter here. You really need to have each other's backs. If I need help, please don't ignore me. If you need help, please let us all know.
As we go into a project, we need to know where we all stand and don't pre-suppose anything. Then we can actually maybe do a reasonable job calibrating our expectations... Even if that, in most cases, means lowering mine, because as I keep seeing over and over again, people just don't operate the way I think they will or should. >_>