(no subject)
I hate money.
I hate that it can control what you do in life even if you have never cared about it.
I never dreamed of being rich when I was little. I always said I wanted to make enough money to be comfortable and happy no matter what that means at the time.
All I want right now is to live on my own. Not all alone but just not with family. Living with my brother is like living with a more strict, less fun version of my parents and paying rent.
I have to stay here at least until I can figure out how working while going to school and paying for EVERYTHING is going to work. I am really good at saving money and I know how to do this the smart way.
I have to be calm and patient and wait this out so I am not broke. Not even broke but I just don't want to live anywhere close to paycheck to paycheck.
_____________________
I don't know how to bring up Stas without sounding like I am still interested/hung up on him. Even saying that I'm not sounds like I am. If you know me well enough then you can trust me on this.
Anyway, I wrote him a very short email a little while after I got here. He wrote me back a longer one telling me what was going on in Tampa/that he and his brother were going to be leaving to Cali shortly thereafter. I wrote him back a longer email saying all of the productive stuff I have accomplished (car, job, signed up for school etc) and asked him a few questions about how things are, what they had planned etc. No reply.
That makes me upset. I am always friends with exs. My mom said "Well maybe this is how he deals with it. I wasn't ever friends with my exs."
It's just weird to me. I don't like people that I was once close to, to just drop off the face of the Earth.
Just strange. I cannot grasp the idea of "I never want to speak to you again" sort of things.
Another new experience to add to the list I guess.
_____________________
I feel super focused on myself right now.
I want to stay as skinny as I have gotten. I want to continue to eat and live healthy. I want to continue to stay out of the party scene for the most part. I want to read a lot like I have been the past year.
I feel more to myself than I ever have been. It is because I was always entertaining myself for the last year. I have gotten used to it and don't feel the need to go out of my way to fill my schedule with social obligations all the time like I used to. I don't know if that is good or bad or just neutral.
_____________________
I want to rent a house with a couple of my friends that are similar-minded to me and go to school and just live for a while.
_____________________
I need to sleep. I hate when I can't tell what my emotions are.
I hope I don't dream intensely.
"In dreams emotions are overwhelming"
I hate that it can control what you do in life even if you have never cared about it.
I never dreamed of being rich when I was little. I always said I wanted to make enough money to be comfortable and happy no matter what that means at the time.
All I want right now is to live on my own. Not all alone but just not with family. Living with my brother is like living with a more strict, less fun version of my parents and paying rent.
I have to stay here at least until I can figure out how working while going to school and paying for EVERYTHING is going to work. I am really good at saving money and I know how to do this the smart way.
I have to be calm and patient and wait this out so I am not broke. Not even broke but I just don't want to live anywhere close to paycheck to paycheck.
_____________________
I don't know how to bring up Stas without sounding like I am still interested/hung up on him. Even saying that I'm not sounds like I am. If you know me well enough then you can trust me on this.
Anyway, I wrote him a very short email a little while after I got here. He wrote me back a longer one telling me what was going on in Tampa/that he and his brother were going to be leaving to Cali shortly thereafter. I wrote him back a longer email saying all of the productive stuff I have accomplished (car, job, signed up for school etc) and asked him a few questions about how things are, what they had planned etc. No reply.
That makes me upset. I am always friends with exs. My mom said "Well maybe this is how he deals with it. I wasn't ever friends with my exs."
It's just weird to me. I don't like people that I was once close to, to just drop off the face of the Earth.
Just strange. I cannot grasp the idea of "I never want to speak to you again" sort of things.
Another new experience to add to the list I guess.
_____________________
I feel super focused on myself right now.
I want to stay as skinny as I have gotten. I want to continue to eat and live healthy. I want to continue to stay out of the party scene for the most part. I want to read a lot like I have been the past year.
I feel more to myself than I ever have been. It is because I was always entertaining myself for the last year. I have gotten used to it and don't feel the need to go out of my way to fill my schedule with social obligations all the time like I used to. I don't know if that is good or bad or just neutral.
_____________________
I want to rent a house with a couple of my friends that are similar-minded to me and go to school and just live for a while.
_____________________
I need to sleep. I hate when I can't tell what my emotions are.
I hope I don't dream intensely.
"In dreams emotions are overwhelming"