Oh man.
I'm just out of it today. I was standing at work with my cup of water in my hand. Just standing there, not moving. And the cup slipped out of my hand and splashed all over the floor. I never do shit like that. It really freaked me out. I'm clumsy for sure, but things don't just slip out of my hand without me losing balance or something first.
Last night was rough for me. I had my geology project (on how humans cause droughts) to do as well as my final research paper (on genetically modified foods) for English. Yes, it's my fault that I left it to the last minute. I was up so late doing that shit. But I got it done.
I'm stressed as fuck. I have rashes and welts all over me, I barely have any eyelashes left. I can't focus. It's getting ridiculous. I can't wait for summer. I really think I need a break from school, but I don't know if I will let myself because I have this raging desire to get ahead. I, for some reason, won't let myself take a break. But I need to. I don't know what to do.
About a week ago I had an anxiety attack around Rich. Usually I try to control them when I'm around him, because he doesn't know how to deal with them. But this one I could not control. He almost called 911 he was so freaked out. I was sobbing and sobbing and hyperventilating and shaking like a leaf. The only thing that I kept thinking was about how I'll never get into the college of education with my grades right now. How I will never get a good career. I'll never make enough money to support my family. My kids will hate me because I won't be able to buy them Feeds or whatever will be around in those days. My dad rubs it in my face all the time, my grades. I have a 2.666 because my trasnfer credits don't count as grades. I just don't know what I'll do if I don't get in.
Today in Geology was funnn as usual. The girls and I didn't pay attention AT ALL. We were planning our lunch date for next week hahaha. After class, Pam and I walked to the cafeteria to get breakfast. We were both starving. And she told me information about herself. A secret. I don't know how this always works. People just... I don't know, feel safe and secure when I'm around. They tell me their life stories, they tell me what's wrong with their life, and what's wrong with their brain. If that makes sense? I don't even have to know someone. For instance, a couple weeks ago, some lady in the parking lot at work came up to me and said how cute my car was.
That somehow launched into her complaining about how rotten her sister is, how she's always traumatized her. About how evil her mother is, calling her daughter fat.
And then Lesley at work cries on my shoulder that same day.
My mom and I had a conversation about that the other day. Some people are the talkers and some people are the listeners. I, supposedly, am a listener. My mom says that anytime she sees people with me, and they're talking, I have this look on my face that says "I'm concerned for you." I don't know, I think she's just making shit up like always. BUT, people always open up to me. I seem to be the counselor at my office. All the patients talk to me about their lives.
Maybe it's just because I will listen to them. Maybe because I truly am concerned and want to help. Who knows.
That's why I'm double majoring in secondary education and psychology.
Molly told me that I would be a great psychologist or doctor because of my bedside manner, and how much I've seen and experienced. I wish I was smart enough to be a doctor. I would love love love to be a doctor. But I'm just not smart enough for that rigurous field.
I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. I've changed majors at least 3 times over the last couple weeks. I know that it is sensible to become a teacher, and is something I would really enjoy. But I don't have the passion for it like most girls in my class do. I love my job now. Ugh I don't know.
I'm just going to stick with being a teacher until my kids are grown up. Then I'll go back to school. Maybe I'll be smarter then.
Last night was rough for me. I had my geology project (on how humans cause droughts) to do as well as my final research paper (on genetically modified foods) for English. Yes, it's my fault that I left it to the last minute. I was up so late doing that shit. But I got it done.
I'm stressed as fuck. I have rashes and welts all over me, I barely have any eyelashes left. I can't focus. It's getting ridiculous. I can't wait for summer. I really think I need a break from school, but I don't know if I will let myself because I have this raging desire to get ahead. I, for some reason, won't let myself take a break. But I need to. I don't know what to do.
About a week ago I had an anxiety attack around Rich. Usually I try to control them when I'm around him, because he doesn't know how to deal with them. But this one I could not control. He almost called 911 he was so freaked out. I was sobbing and sobbing and hyperventilating and shaking like a leaf. The only thing that I kept thinking was about how I'll never get into the college of education with my grades right now. How I will never get a good career. I'll never make enough money to support my family. My kids will hate me because I won't be able to buy them Feeds or whatever will be around in those days. My dad rubs it in my face all the time, my grades. I have a 2.666 because my trasnfer credits don't count as grades. I just don't know what I'll do if I don't get in.
Today in Geology was funnn as usual. The girls and I didn't pay attention AT ALL. We were planning our lunch date for next week hahaha. After class, Pam and I walked to the cafeteria to get breakfast. We were both starving. And she told me information about herself. A secret. I don't know how this always works. People just... I don't know, feel safe and secure when I'm around. They tell me their life stories, they tell me what's wrong with their life, and what's wrong with their brain. If that makes sense? I don't even have to know someone. For instance, a couple weeks ago, some lady in the parking lot at work came up to me and said how cute my car was.
That somehow launched into her complaining about how rotten her sister is, how she's always traumatized her. About how evil her mother is, calling her daughter fat.
And then Lesley at work cries on my shoulder that same day.
My mom and I had a conversation about that the other day. Some people are the talkers and some people are the listeners. I, supposedly, am a listener. My mom says that anytime she sees people with me, and they're talking, I have this look on my face that says "I'm concerned for you." I don't know, I think she's just making shit up like always. BUT, people always open up to me. I seem to be the counselor at my office. All the patients talk to me about their lives.
Maybe it's just because I will listen to them. Maybe because I truly am concerned and want to help. Who knows.
That's why I'm double majoring in secondary education and psychology.
Molly told me that I would be a great psychologist or doctor because of my bedside manner, and how much I've seen and experienced. I wish I was smart enough to be a doctor. I would love love love to be a doctor. But I'm just not smart enough for that rigurous field.
I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. I've changed majors at least 3 times over the last couple weeks. I know that it is sensible to become a teacher, and is something I would really enjoy. But I don't have the passion for it like most girls in my class do. I love my job now. Ugh I don't know.
I'm just going to stick with being a teacher until my kids are grown up. Then I'll go back to school. Maybe I'll be smarter then.