Another post
So today was mani/pedi, which was fine because it was patch day at WoW and the servers were down extra. Why the fuck is it always patch day just before I leave on vacation. I'm going away for 5 days, and y'all know well enough that I will get sick again when I get back. It took forever to DL the patch, and of course it fucked up all my addons. You shouldn't need so much extra crap to make a game playable. I am pretty much unable to play while in KY because I need to DL the addons and since it's my dads machine I feel weird doing it. Although he wouldn't mind. Later we had the epic D&D battle for our trial run of 4E. I don't care what anyone says, that game plays a lot like an MMO. And my Swordmage is hella bad ass.
So, Azkatraz, yes. It's one of several signs that I've been getting better and less depressed. My family was here in July, and that was awesome, and now I fly out later tonight to visit them in Kentucky, and thats both good and bad. I've started playing table top D&D, although because of scheduling it will only be once a month. KiSA and I hang out every couple of weeks or so, and that relationship is enigmatic and complicated as ever. I know I mentioned it last October that he was in my life again after almost a year of not hearing from him. I had made my break, and moved on, and yet there is something that keeps bringing him back. I didn't go looking for him, he came to me. Thats when I started playing WoW. So now I talk to him almost everyday. When we argued in November just before Thanksgiving it looked like it was going to be the last of it, but he sought me out and we continued. After rereading a lot of old LJ posts, it seems to me whenever it looks like I'm breaking away, he will seek me out. He never lets me get too far away, and I find that very bizarre given what I know. Part of me says he doesn't care about me at all, and part of me thinks he must care at least some. Short of asking him, I don't know. We had a very intense discussion the other night which I had admitted some things I had felt in the past. He apologized because he understood, but it wasn't his fault he didn't feel the same way for me as I did for him. I told him that and I added that I just wish he hadn't felt the need to lie about it. It was something that always bothered me. He said it was one of the reasons he was so open with me now, because he regretted the past. I've come closer to believing him now than I ever have. He answers my questions more now. And I know things about him that no one else knows. He trusts me to an amazing degree. In some ways, I think he trusts me more than anyone else in his life. He doesn't want to date me, and I'm not sure if we're friends. We haven't spoken in a couple days because he got pissy with me the other night. A couple years ago I would have broken down and gotten over it and let it slide and just started talking to him. I don't do that anymore. I don't have to. I know he will come looking for me, and that's when I will break down and get over it and let it slide. My own little bit of manipulation in a relationship where he calls the shots. The difference between now and the past is now I know I have some power when I want it.
So yeah, these days I don't feel so depressed. I feel clearer than I have in a very long time. I feel able to leave the house in a way that I didn't last year. I know I hurt some dear friends while I was depressed, and I regret it. I just wish I could explain adequately what it was like these past couple of years. I doubt these people will ever forever me, and I don't blame them at all. My behavior was atrocious. While I haven't completely made my peace with it, I am coming to terms. I had so much go wrong all at the same time, and everytime it seemed like things would get better, I would lose a friend or something else would happen and make things that much worse.
On a lighter note, has anyone seen where I put my Wingardium Leviosa CD? I want to rip and put it on my iPod and I haven't seen it since the day KiSA and I went to see HBP. Maybe it's out in the car, but I didn't see it out there when I went for the mani/pedi.
omg. I always get so sleepy writing these things. That probably has more to do with the fact I get distracted by other things, then have to come back and finish and it's usually way late by then. Watched SGA Season 5 again. So much better than Season 4, and now that I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty peeved that they canceled it. I just think there was still more to do in the Pegasus Galaxy, even if they were ripping off plot devices from SG-1. I liked Woolsy. And well, you all know how I feel about McKay/Sheppard. I've even started reading slash again. I loved the wink and nod they gave to the McKay/Shep fans, by making their friendship so obvious and deep. I watch The Shrine and positively squee when Rodney goes banging on Johns door because he thought John had left him. When the are sitting on the dock and John is refusing to say goodbye, saying that he will be there til the end. *swoon* So many other moments just make a slashers heart go pitter pat.
Ok sleep time before I get up and pack and do my dailies.
So, Azkatraz, yes. It's one of several signs that I've been getting better and less depressed. My family was here in July, and that was awesome, and now I fly out later tonight to visit them in Kentucky, and thats both good and bad. I've started playing table top D&D, although because of scheduling it will only be once a month. KiSA and I hang out every couple of weeks or so, and that relationship is enigmatic and complicated as ever. I know I mentioned it last October that he was in my life again after almost a year of not hearing from him. I had made my break, and moved on, and yet there is something that keeps bringing him back. I didn't go looking for him, he came to me. Thats when I started playing WoW. So now I talk to him almost everyday. When we argued in November just before Thanksgiving it looked like it was going to be the last of it, but he sought me out and we continued. After rereading a lot of old LJ posts, it seems to me whenever it looks like I'm breaking away, he will seek me out. He never lets me get too far away, and I find that very bizarre given what I know. Part of me says he doesn't care about me at all, and part of me thinks he must care at least some. Short of asking him, I don't know. We had a very intense discussion the other night which I had admitted some things I had felt in the past. He apologized because he understood, but it wasn't his fault he didn't feel the same way for me as I did for him. I told him that and I added that I just wish he hadn't felt the need to lie about it. It was something that always bothered me. He said it was one of the reasons he was so open with me now, because he regretted the past. I've come closer to believing him now than I ever have. He answers my questions more now. And I know things about him that no one else knows. He trusts me to an amazing degree. In some ways, I think he trusts me more than anyone else in his life. He doesn't want to date me, and I'm not sure if we're friends. We haven't spoken in a couple days because he got pissy with me the other night. A couple years ago I would have broken down and gotten over it and let it slide and just started talking to him. I don't do that anymore. I don't have to. I know he will come looking for me, and that's when I will break down and get over it and let it slide. My own little bit of manipulation in a relationship where he calls the shots. The difference between now and the past is now I know I have some power when I want it.
So yeah, these days I don't feel so depressed. I feel clearer than I have in a very long time. I feel able to leave the house in a way that I didn't last year. I know I hurt some dear friends while I was depressed, and I regret it. I just wish I could explain adequately what it was like these past couple of years. I doubt these people will ever forever me, and I don't blame them at all. My behavior was atrocious. While I haven't completely made my peace with it, I am coming to terms. I had so much go wrong all at the same time, and everytime it seemed like things would get better, I would lose a friend or something else would happen and make things that much worse.
On a lighter note, has anyone seen where I put my Wingardium Leviosa CD? I want to rip and put it on my iPod and I haven't seen it since the day KiSA and I went to see HBP. Maybe it's out in the car, but I didn't see it out there when I went for the mani/pedi.
omg. I always get so sleepy writing these things. That probably has more to do with the fact I get distracted by other things, then have to come back and finish and it's usually way late by then. Watched SGA Season 5 again. So much better than Season 4, and now that I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty peeved that they canceled it. I just think there was still more to do in the Pegasus Galaxy, even if they were ripping off plot devices from SG-1. I liked Woolsy. And well, you all know how I feel about McKay/Sheppard. I've even started reading slash again. I loved the wink and nod they gave to the McKay/Shep fans, by making their friendship so obvious and deep. I watch The Shrine and positively squee when Rodney goes banging on Johns door because he thought John had left him. When the are sitting on the dock and John is refusing to say goodbye, saying that he will be there til the end. *swoon* So many other moments just make a slashers heart go pitter pat.
Ok sleep time before I get up and pack and do my dailies.