(no subject)
here's my revision, changed some minor sylistic stuff and shit that didn't really sound good
America is the greatest country that ever was, and ever will be. Obviously. Our homeland is so great in fact, that the whole world can join hands and chant praise for our extravagant celebration of this magical stew pot of cultures called The United States, while we spend oil tanker-loads of money that would have otherwise been wasted.
Who has the dubious honor of spending all that jack? The people? The life blood of this country? No, that’s ridiculous, the government does. The chosen elitist well-to-do few take up this honorable task to ensure the greater good of our nation. Only they, with their already brimming Swiss bank accounts, twelve oceanfront properties, private islands, and 17-man teams of 24-hour on-call masseurs can truly waste government money like it was meant to be wasted.
This is the government’s job, nay, its crusade for national glory. It is an honored institution that has been pioneered by great acts like the Teapot Dome scandal and has been proudly carried into the future by truly great CEO’s, politicians, and Texans alike.
Let’s face it, our country isn’t getting any better; it is far too awesome already to improve even a single iota. All that money those insane “progressives” suggest we should spend on education, social security, health care, and clean transportation should not be! It was printed and minted for the express purpose to fund the rip-snortin’ hullabaloo at the base of the capitol building featuring Alan Jackson and George Straight, and the (God willing) 50 or more balls, parties, blowouts and shindigs throughout the great District of Columbia.
“But why?” You surely ask, “Why should government officials be the spearhead of our boundless expenditure?” Well, it’s quite simple. They don’t really have all that much to do. Aside from thumbing through thesauruses trying to find the gentlest replacement phrase for “massive internal security shortcomings” and thinking of new color-coding systems to slap on a cable news station ticker, they’re all basically spinning their wheels on the job. Besides, it’s not like they’re supposed to lead the public anymore.
That’s why God created Fox News.
How is this money being spent? It leaves the pockets of our leaders in glorious and scarcely close to innumerable ways. We spend money on security detail for ex-presidents. Honestly, you can’t take the security designed for the leader of our country away from a guy simply because he’s not our country’s leader anymore. Having men wearing black suits, black glasses and earpieces follow you around is more addicting than crack, and there isn’t a patch for it either.
Visionary branches of our government have taken specific enterprise in this national quest. Most notably, The Department of Homeland Security. They took it upon themselves to spend a hefty portion of their own budget on a company-wide, high ranking Hawaii paradise weekend getaway. They had fruity drinks on a pool deck, they snorkeled, and of course, they busted out with our government’s specialty, a swanky little soirée. Now that’s patriotic. No presidential decrees, no popular votes, “screw the democratic system, we know what needs to be done.” Hats off to you folks, Uncle Sam’s giving an imaginary thumbs-up in his imaginary grave watching one man patrol the entire Oregon coast while you sip Mai-Tais in silken tropical shirts at taxpayers’ expense.
Can you hear that? Why, it’s the 107th USMC Sea-Shanty Brigade! Willikers! It must be inauguration time! What a more deserving time to sign checks as fast as a crazed homeless person doles out inconceivable gibberish and his own feces. What a more deserving time for there to be cigars in the mouths of men, skinned animals wrapped around the shoulders of women, and novelty American flags waved excitedly in the hands of every child. What a more deserving time for sculptures of ice to urinate wine, and funds allocated for DC’s HAZMAT suits to be used for extra security detail. What a more deserving time for a ball to be held on every corner, and a time for the Ritz-Carleton to offer $150,000 four-day hotel packages. It is truly, America in its most natural, most visceral form.
But what has been the biggest, most glorious expenditure of money since the late 1800’s? What has stood out from the crowd as America’s beacon of national pride and honor? Good God ya’ll, war. It took up more than 50% of our national budget at the start of the cold war and never looked back. Nowadays, we spend billions of dollars daily on the liberation of Iraq. Those lucky ex-oppressed post-regime so-and-sos. Every other country in the Middle East is surely blue in the face with envy. Iraq gets the chance to emulate the absolutely and undisputedly coolest country ever. All we have to do is root out that pesky little insurgence over the course of probably ten years. We were spending all that money on finding and disarming the weapons of mass destruction. Then, we changed our minds because we’re fickle like that. Now spending all that money for the guarantee of Iraq’s freedom… which is actually what we were fighting for the whole time. Yes, we fight while our social security system approaches an unprecedented condition of crisis because we’re patriots, damn it. We certainly aren’t doing it for any other sort of gain. We certainly aren’t spending it on something that’s black and made of fossils, and beautiful, and delicious, and magical, and marvelously reeks of money. Certainly not.
What an amazing country we live in. What a blindingly glorious beacon of greatness a government is when it spends the money of the many on the shiatsu massages and solid-gold umbrella stands of the privileged. We should bask in the warm glow of our country’s illustriousness and enjoy every moment of it, something earth-shatteringly catastrophic is bound to happen in the next 50 years, so we should all just enjoy life as best we can, snatch, smash, grab, run, and wait for the rapture to come.
America is the greatest country that ever was, and ever will be. Obviously. Our homeland is so great in fact, that the whole world can join hands and chant praise for our extravagant celebration of this magical stew pot of cultures called The United States, while we spend oil tanker-loads of money that would have otherwise been wasted.
Who has the dubious honor of spending all that jack? The people? The life blood of this country? No, that’s ridiculous, the government does. The chosen elitist well-to-do few take up this honorable task to ensure the greater good of our nation. Only they, with their already brimming Swiss bank accounts, twelve oceanfront properties, private islands, and 17-man teams of 24-hour on-call masseurs can truly waste government money like it was meant to be wasted.
This is the government’s job, nay, its crusade for national glory. It is an honored institution that has been pioneered by great acts like the Teapot Dome scandal and has been proudly carried into the future by truly great CEO’s, politicians, and Texans alike.
Let’s face it, our country isn’t getting any better; it is far too awesome already to improve even a single iota. All that money those insane “progressives” suggest we should spend on education, social security, health care, and clean transportation should not be! It was printed and minted for the express purpose to fund the rip-snortin’ hullabaloo at the base of the capitol building featuring Alan Jackson and George Straight, and the (God willing) 50 or more balls, parties, blowouts and shindigs throughout the great District of Columbia.
“But why?” You surely ask, “Why should government officials be the spearhead of our boundless expenditure?” Well, it’s quite simple. They don’t really have all that much to do. Aside from thumbing through thesauruses trying to find the gentlest replacement phrase for “massive internal security shortcomings” and thinking of new color-coding systems to slap on a cable news station ticker, they’re all basically spinning their wheels on the job. Besides, it’s not like they’re supposed to lead the public anymore.
That’s why God created Fox News.
How is this money being spent? It leaves the pockets of our leaders in glorious and scarcely close to innumerable ways. We spend money on security detail for ex-presidents. Honestly, you can’t take the security designed for the leader of our country away from a guy simply because he’s not our country’s leader anymore. Having men wearing black suits, black glasses and earpieces follow you around is more addicting than crack, and there isn’t a patch for it either.
Visionary branches of our government have taken specific enterprise in this national quest. Most notably, The Department of Homeland Security. They took it upon themselves to spend a hefty portion of their own budget on a company-wide, high ranking Hawaii paradise weekend getaway. They had fruity drinks on a pool deck, they snorkeled, and of course, they busted out with our government’s specialty, a swanky little soirée. Now that’s patriotic. No presidential decrees, no popular votes, “screw the democratic system, we know what needs to be done.” Hats off to you folks, Uncle Sam’s giving an imaginary thumbs-up in his imaginary grave watching one man patrol the entire Oregon coast while you sip Mai-Tais in silken tropical shirts at taxpayers’ expense.
Can you hear that? Why, it’s the 107th USMC Sea-Shanty Brigade! Willikers! It must be inauguration time! What a more deserving time to sign checks as fast as a crazed homeless person doles out inconceivable gibberish and his own feces. What a more deserving time for there to be cigars in the mouths of men, skinned animals wrapped around the shoulders of women, and novelty American flags waved excitedly in the hands of every child. What a more deserving time for sculptures of ice to urinate wine, and funds allocated for DC’s HAZMAT suits to be used for extra security detail. What a more deserving time for a ball to be held on every corner, and a time for the Ritz-Carleton to offer $150,000 four-day hotel packages. It is truly, America in its most natural, most visceral form.
But what has been the biggest, most glorious expenditure of money since the late 1800’s? What has stood out from the crowd as America’s beacon of national pride and honor? Good God ya’ll, war. It took up more than 50% of our national budget at the start of the cold war and never looked back. Nowadays, we spend billions of dollars daily on the liberation of Iraq. Those lucky ex-oppressed post-regime so-and-sos. Every other country in the Middle East is surely blue in the face with envy. Iraq gets the chance to emulate the absolutely and undisputedly coolest country ever. All we have to do is root out that pesky little insurgence over the course of probably ten years. We were spending all that money on finding and disarming the weapons of mass destruction. Then, we changed our minds because we’re fickle like that. Now spending all that money for the guarantee of Iraq’s freedom… which is actually what we were fighting for the whole time. Yes, we fight while our social security system approaches an unprecedented condition of crisis because we’re patriots, damn it. We certainly aren’t doing it for any other sort of gain. We certainly aren’t spending it on something that’s black and made of fossils, and beautiful, and delicious, and magical, and marvelously reeks of money. Certainly not.
What an amazing country we live in. What a blindingly glorious beacon of greatness a government is when it spends the money of the many on the shiatsu massages and solid-gold umbrella stands of the privileged. We should bask in the warm glow of our country’s illustriousness and enjoy every moment of it, something earth-shatteringly catastrophic is bound to happen in the next 50 years, so we should all just enjoy life as best we can, snatch, smash, grab, run, and wait for the rapture to come.