I'm riding on a roller coaster

[shtiney]

Things have been so crazy lately. some days i'm so grateful and in love for everything, and think everything is going so well. the next i'm realizing how depressed i actually am and how things really aren't all that good. Having friends stop by and spend time over the house has really lifted my spirits. it's very validating to have people say your place is comfortable. last week was also wonderful because i actually had some q.t. with my girl friends. Having tristyn here was certainly helpful. she looks very cute all prego. gave me baby fever a little bit. but that ties into my depression thing. rob has a temper and when he wakes up for work, he yells and acts like such a dick. this has caused me to also have a temper and then i take it out on shannon. i started to put up christmas decorations yesterday and what should have been a fun and joyous occasion, turned into a very stressful time for shannon and i. she kept getting into things, and breaking them (she also broke the tv that autumn and charlie just brought us in the morning). i thought i was going to lose my mind! i heard her break this glass while i was in the kitchen and she was in the living room and i just screamed. i couldn't handle anymore. she was fine, but it just all came to a screeching halt in my brain of my capacity for how much more i could handle. they are renovating our bed room so all of our stuff is everywhere and there is no where to put anything. she's getting into everything! our bed is in her room which means rob is in there and i can't put her to bed at 8 like i want to. i don't believe in super natural things to much of an extent, but i heard on ghost hunters once that when electrical wires are exposed in a home, it can cause high electrical magnetic fields. these can fuck with people's brains and make them feel anxious, upset, angry, stressed. mostly negative things. it feels like ever since they started the renovation, i have felt all of these things. but if i leave the house, i feel great! this is when i feel like everything in my life is going great and i am less stressed out. it would be nice to have some extra money so i could go shopping once in a while or take shannon out. that leads to another problem. i'm having a hard time getting a job. it's really getting me down actually. the worst is when i get a call from a temp agency saying they have a job for me. i tell them i have a child so i need about a week to arrange child care, and they never call me back to tell me when to start. this has happened to me about 4 times now. the one job i really want, apparently doesn't want to hear that i really want it. i called three times and have yet to get a call back. the last time i called, this rude girl told me that calling everyday would not speed up my application process. i asked if i could leave a voice mail on the women i met's box and she says, "she's going to tell you the same thing i did". i played nice and said a condescending thank you and good bye.as i pulled the phone away i said bitch before i hung up. hopefully she heard me. it would make me feel a little less pissed, but it doesn't solve the problem. my uncle tells me that no one is hiring right now, and not to take it personally. it's hard not to. human relations is this women's job. this means that she's supposed to return phone calls. i should fucking get hired and take her damn job. i would do better than she is, that's for sure.

so we've decided since we made it to the top of the list at sudbury housing, we are going to take an apartment when it comes up. the director said it takes about 6 months to a year. This will really help us save money to get our own place and put shannon in a really good school system. if we are able to move to malden, medford, melrose before shannon turns 5 and goes to kindergarten (she might not be able to go until she's 6 actually cuz of her birth date) that would be awesome. sudbury is as far away from boston time wise as lynn so it's not like we are moving to new york again. i'm hoping to get a job out there too at a salon or administration. we'll see. something needs to happen soon, or i'm going to go nuts! or i could just leave my house and be fine. damn emfs!