when the smoke clears...
all that remains is me and who i am at the end of the day and this happens everyday
So, if anyone had asked me a year ago if i thought i'd be where i am now, i probably would have laughed and said "yeah ok". Like i said in my previous post, i've dont a lot of growing and learning this year. A good friend once told me that regrets are for those who can't learn from their mistakes. I think she's got a point. I like to think that i learn something from everything i do. For example, trying to walk in 15 degree weather really isn't a smart thing to do, and drinking and fire crackers are not a good combination on church property. This past year brought some of the most amazing people into my life. These are the people that i hope i remain close with for the rest of my life. I feel so lucky to have the people in my life that i do right now. I sometimes struggle with the thought that i'm where i'm at for a reason. Does God really have specific plans for you? and if he does, how are you supposed to know what they are? What if you do something wrong? Do His plans change? or do you somehow get back on track eventually? And then since God knows everything, does he know you're going to screw up and He's going to have to create a whole new set of plans for you?
i'm the kind of person who will sit and wonder what the future's got in store for me. I did it in high school all the time, I used to wonder what senior year was like, then i would think about college and what that must be like, and now i think about after college, what kind of job i'll have, and eventually what life after that will be...these kinds of questions are always swimming around in my head. Who's going to be at my wedding? who will I know then? who will i wish i still knew? Is my dad going to walk me down the aisle? will my dad even be there at all? what kind of job am i going to have? things like that...is that normal? i think it is...right?
here it is, 2 o clock in the morning and i'm sitting on my bed writing these things out. A year ago, i couldn't even fathom that i'd be where i am today so that naturally leads me to wonder about what i'll be doing a year from now. Relationships are so fragile, people come and go so easily in your life...there are some people i've known for what seems like forever, they've seen me at my best and worst, we've been best friends and worst enemies. they've been the shoulder i've cried on and in return they've leaned on me when they were falling, i think i'll always know these people, there's so much history there, it's impossible to imagine life without them. we've gotten in trouble together, we've laughed and we've cried togehter. Their family has become my family, and a smile always crosses my face when i think of them. I love them and they love me. and then there are people i've known less than a year, but they're all people i treasure and rely on to be there for me when i need them.
Tonight i said goodbye to a close friend, not permanantly, but til christmas at least. i like to think that he and i have a special connection that no one can quite touch...maybe that's just the time of night coming out but it's how i feel right now. sometimes i wonder how things would have turned out had i dated him last year when we first started hanging out, but i think that things are better this way, he and i hang out with no drama between us and talk about anything and everything and i don't think i could stand it being any other way. I think both our parents wished we dated, but in the end things would've just gotten messy, him being at one school and hundreds of miles away. he's who i go to when i need a male perspective on things...and he's goofy in this great kind of way that always makes me smile.
Then there are the people who are just coming into my life that have already left a major imprint. Things are going in a direction i didn't think they would, and it's exciting and scary all at the same time. i'm growing up, and i'm scared. Scared i'm going to mess up big time and i won't know how to fix it...won't know what to do...i've got issues to take care of, issues that just won't seem to go away no matter how hard i try. things that i wish i could just realize and move on from...i'm missing that closure...or do i even want closure? maybe i don't...maybe i just need to get the hell over it.
or maybe i just need to go to bed and sleep this off. Does anyone even read this thing anymore?? I think about God's plans all the time. Why am I here? why were these particular people brought into my life? Am i supposed to be learning something from them? or better yet, what am i supposed to be teaching them? Am i doing things right, or am i completely off track? I'm leaving on Tuesday. I start my sophmore year of college a week from Monday, a new year with a fresh start and another chance. Am i going to blow it? i sure as hell hope not...
So, if anyone had asked me a year ago if i thought i'd be where i am now, i probably would have laughed and said "yeah ok". Like i said in my previous post, i've dont a lot of growing and learning this year. A good friend once told me that regrets are for those who can't learn from their mistakes. I think she's got a point. I like to think that i learn something from everything i do. For example, trying to walk in 15 degree weather really isn't a smart thing to do, and drinking and fire crackers are not a good combination on church property. This past year brought some of the most amazing people into my life. These are the people that i hope i remain close with for the rest of my life. I feel so lucky to have the people in my life that i do right now. I sometimes struggle with the thought that i'm where i'm at for a reason. Does God really have specific plans for you? and if he does, how are you supposed to know what they are? What if you do something wrong? Do His plans change? or do you somehow get back on track eventually? And then since God knows everything, does he know you're going to screw up and He's going to have to create a whole new set of plans for you?
i'm the kind of person who will sit and wonder what the future's got in store for me. I did it in high school all the time, I used to wonder what senior year was like, then i would think about college and what that must be like, and now i think about after college, what kind of job i'll have, and eventually what life after that will be...these kinds of questions are always swimming around in my head. Who's going to be at my wedding? who will I know then? who will i wish i still knew? Is my dad going to walk me down the aisle? will my dad even be there at all? what kind of job am i going to have? things like that...is that normal? i think it is...right?
here it is, 2 o clock in the morning and i'm sitting on my bed writing these things out. A year ago, i couldn't even fathom that i'd be where i am today so that naturally leads me to wonder about what i'll be doing a year from now. Relationships are so fragile, people come and go so easily in your life...there are some people i've known for what seems like forever, they've seen me at my best and worst, we've been best friends and worst enemies. they've been the shoulder i've cried on and in return they've leaned on me when they were falling, i think i'll always know these people, there's so much history there, it's impossible to imagine life without them. we've gotten in trouble together, we've laughed and we've cried togehter. Their family has become my family, and a smile always crosses my face when i think of them. I love them and they love me. and then there are people i've known less than a year, but they're all people i treasure and rely on to be there for me when i need them.
Tonight i said goodbye to a close friend, not permanantly, but til christmas at least. i like to think that he and i have a special connection that no one can quite touch...maybe that's just the time of night coming out but it's how i feel right now. sometimes i wonder how things would have turned out had i dated him last year when we first started hanging out, but i think that things are better this way, he and i hang out with no drama between us and talk about anything and everything and i don't think i could stand it being any other way. I think both our parents wished we dated, but in the end things would've just gotten messy, him being at one school and hundreds of miles away. he's who i go to when i need a male perspective on things...and he's goofy in this great kind of way that always makes me smile.
Then there are the people who are just coming into my life that have already left a major imprint. Things are going in a direction i didn't think they would, and it's exciting and scary all at the same time. i'm growing up, and i'm scared. Scared i'm going to mess up big time and i won't know how to fix it...won't know what to do...i've got issues to take care of, issues that just won't seem to go away no matter how hard i try. things that i wish i could just realize and move on from...i'm missing that closure...or do i even want closure? maybe i don't...maybe i just need to get the hell over it.
or maybe i just need to go to bed and sleep this off. Does anyone even read this thing anymore?? I think about God's plans all the time. Why am I here? why were these particular people brought into my life? Am i supposed to be learning something from them? or better yet, what am i supposed to be teaching them? Am i doing things right, or am i completely off track? I'm leaving on Tuesday. I start my sophmore year of college a week from Monday, a new year with a fresh start and another chance. Am i going to blow it? i sure as hell hope not...