not exactly optimistic
i hate being home. I find myself dependent on everyone for everything...i am twenty years old i shouldnt need to be this dependent. and it hurts me...it makes me feel younger. i need a car, i need a job, i need money...which i am trying to maintain all these things. and it's pressure...hannah it doesnt seem to me that you are trying hard enough to get another job. Well FUCK YOU. i am trying it is not exactly easy to get job when you are only home for three months...who hires someone for three months? I hate it...i cant be around these people any longer...and i dont have any friends here anymore...so i am extremely lonely. i am in need of expressing all this out loud to someone who will care to listen, but i have no one. not even speedie, who has somehow magically disappeared from this earth. i cant be in a long distance relationship with someone who doesnt answer my phone calls and who doesnt call me back. i dont want to break up with him, but it almost like he is forcing me to. shit. and i with my need to "punish" i am feeling like i should do it, just to teach him a lesson...but what is stopping is the fact that i really wouldnt have anybody then...not even a non-communicative option. and i feel as if he would be more hurt by it that i would want and he would make what i want a temporary thing into a permanent thing. I just need something positive.