All this time I'm wasting, living selfishly
lately ive been feeling like i have been carrying everyone else's emotions around and have been wearing them on my sleeve. i think i have a serious problem because whenever i go out into public or a big crowd of people i cant even talk to anyone for more than a second without looking away and softly humming "yep, uh huh" while they babble on. i also have to look away because i feel naked in front of everyone. which comes from the idea that it is impossible for me to keep anything to myself and i have become so paranoid i feel like everyone can see straight through me and my bad intentions are highlighted while my good intentions fade into skin again. i'm tired of caring about everything and have begun to not care..which is also deathly frightening to me because it means i have lost any sense of determination and self control i had left. you know even if rejection isnt obvious, it is still rejection and it has been gathering up like rain in a bucket in the back of my brain and on the inner most crevices of my heart...all it took was a boy less skillful in his acting to bring what was in the back to the front and what was hiding to the surface of my blood. i am so vulnerable these days. what happened to old hannah? what happened to the less desperate version of myself. last night i fell on my ass twice at a party and without thinking bounced back up, but if i would have sat there for a bit and thought a little more i would have stayed down because my imperfections and pathetic fragility have become disgustingly apparent even in my coordination. i'm losing it, i'm fading away into the population and i don't have any passion left to stop the downward spiral. so i'm just going to put on my happy face when she gets home, smoke a bowl or two and continue to smoke my cigarettes and prepare myself to take on her fifty pounds of emotional baggage. someday soon i am going to get away and not tell a soul where i'm going, i will never come back and thinking of this plan gives me more energy than i have had in about eight years.
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Purple is the color of my love for you,
it is wealthy
and powerful
and royal.
You sit there on your throne
While I beg at your feet
I will be humble in the courts of our love
because i worship it
barefoot, on holy ground.
Closing my eyes I see bright ember glow
back to my happy place
where my soul cartwheels on white sands
or skims the shallows of first day of school
freshmen eyes of blues.
my soul lives lonely
my sould lives only
for the arrogant daydreams of a little boy,
asleep on my breasts,
hopeful of my heart.
Clockwork.
Purple fingernail,
purple fingernail,
mocha tinted hand entwined.
This is love in its glory minutes.
Watch it wither like perfect petals sleeping.
Princess hearts dont lie,
only princess lips.
What sputters and spouts in whirly tornadoes
out of teenage teeth of nicotine splender,
is an executioner born in the belly of red, ripe teenage hearts.
This is love's defeat as a result of an overgrown hurtle tipping over too easily.
My hands exist only in gravel now.
Each touch of sandpaper beard only reminds me of black-coal splinters from past red-shoe lovers.
My soul sails onto better beaches
alone.
Wind holding my hair in perfect chaos,
sun kissing heat onto my milky cheeks,
i've never been more beautiful
alone.
I am wasting the best looking years of my life and all i see is was what i want to see-
metaphysical maifestations of religion through the imperfection of others.
I believe in the beyond
because i believe in you.
My favorite lines are always the ones where a mortally complex being is compared to a supernatural cloud of air,
so in honor of such....
i love you like the preacher, my mother, my father, and the baptist told me to love GOD.
So put on your crown and take a fucking look down.
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Ruby red
I love your bed,
i love the sex,
i love the night,
but you always leave me when the sun rises.
And as you sneak out of bed,
soft as a snail but quick as the light,
i am always there
several inches away
on the yellow pillow
awake
thinking-
"Am I not beautiful enough to be seen with in the sunlight?"
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Kindergarten
blood sucking
red beans
knot tying
zipper zipping
cubby holes of love
chapped lip
red lipstick
having a house and a kid
plastic mats
and afternoon snacks
drinking things with lids
green
yellow
red
blue
slapping hands
and chasing you
kevin
and a blonde girl
who moved to kansas and never came back.
so we reorganized the line
gathered her things
glue and all
and stuffed them into a red backpack.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Purple is the color of my love for you,
it is wealthy
and powerful
and royal.
You sit there on your throne
While I beg at your feet
I will be humble in the courts of our love
because i worship it
barefoot, on holy ground.
Closing my eyes I see bright ember glow
back to my happy place
where my soul cartwheels on white sands
or skims the shallows of first day of school
freshmen eyes of blues.
my soul lives lonely
my sould lives only
for the arrogant daydreams of a little boy,
asleep on my breasts,
hopeful of my heart.
Clockwork.
Purple fingernail,
purple fingernail,
mocha tinted hand entwined.
This is love in its glory minutes.
Watch it wither like perfect petals sleeping.
Princess hearts dont lie,
only princess lips.
What sputters and spouts in whirly tornadoes
out of teenage teeth of nicotine splender,
is an executioner born in the belly of red, ripe teenage hearts.
This is love's defeat as a result of an overgrown hurtle tipping over too easily.
My hands exist only in gravel now.
Each touch of sandpaper beard only reminds me of black-coal splinters from past red-shoe lovers.
My soul sails onto better beaches
alone.
Wind holding my hair in perfect chaos,
sun kissing heat onto my milky cheeks,
i've never been more beautiful
alone.
I am wasting the best looking years of my life and all i see is was what i want to see-
metaphysical maifestations of religion through the imperfection of others.
I believe in the beyond
because i believe in you.
My favorite lines are always the ones where a mortally complex being is compared to a supernatural cloud of air,
so in honor of such....
i love you like the preacher, my mother, my father, and the baptist told me to love GOD.
So put on your crown and take a fucking look down.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ruby red
I love your bed,
i love the sex,
i love the night,
but you always leave me when the sun rises.
And as you sneak out of bed,
soft as a snail but quick as the light,
i am always there
several inches away
on the yellow pillow
awake
thinking-
"Am I not beautiful enough to be seen with in the sunlight?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kindergarten
blood sucking
red beans
knot tying
zipper zipping
cubby holes of love
chapped lip
red lipstick
having a house and a kid
plastic mats
and afternoon snacks
drinking things with lids
green
yellow
red
blue
slapping hands
and chasing you
kevin
and a blonde girl
who moved to kansas and never came back.
so we reorganized the line
gathered her things
glue and all
and stuffed them into a red backpack.