THE PASS INCIDENT EXPLAINED...
So I originally wrote this as a Valentine's Day present for my lovely Entwife tinuelena ... I hope you find it lulzy
The Dyatlov Pass Incident:
A Religious Conspiracy
Fifty-one years ago nine young skiers embarked on a trip, which lead to their deaths on a mountain that, in the colloquial native tongue, was referred to as “Mountain of the Dead.” Why this concept surprises anyone is, in its self, surprising. It seems clear that the mountain should have gained such a name from its reputation. Less clear is how these nine individuals came upon death’s doorstep. I’ll fill in the details about what happened that brutal February night in 1959
A sporting challenge
A group of nine, seven men and two women, experienced Nordic skiers embarked on a challenging expedition in the Ural Mountains in late January 1959. The purpose of such a sporting challenge was to push one’s skiing skills by following a predetermined route to Ojkachahl Peak then along the Northern Toshemka River to the town of Vizhaj.
All of the team’s members with the exception of Alexander Zolotarev were familiar with each other and were either students or recent graduates of the Ural Polytechnic Institute, which is located in Ekaterinburg, Sverdlovsk Oblast, Russia. Apparently, Alexander Zolotarev was along for the trip to earn points to advance to a master ski tour instructor… a skill known to make the Russian ladies’ panties drop. Possibly the first mistake of this trip was to follow the lead of Igor Dyatlov, for who the incident is named, instead of Zolotarev who was on his way to mastering the lady-killing skill of ski tour instructing.
On their way up the Urals, the group supposedly encounters “inclement weather”… its February, I’m pretty certain weather in February is always “inclement” in areas of the world that experience Winter. Whatever. So the group makes camp, takes pictures of the area, write in their journals and head to bed - to have a gangbang and take massive amounts of drugs- and then something so alarming happens that all nine of the travelers rip through their tents to run away. What were they running from exactly? The radioactive Russian Orthodox morality crusaders who caught them fucking the shit out of each other and the two women they brought along on their journey.
So… now we have explained why the nine sports enthusiasts are outside in subzero temperatures mostly in their unmentionables without boots or coats or any type of protective gear on what so ever.
Meet the campers… the campers meet death
Georgyi Krivonischenko, age 24, and Yuri Doroshenko, age 21, were the first of the skiers to be found on February 26, 1959 at the forest’s edge under a pine tree where there was the remains of a fire. After digging the bodies out from under the snow and cedar branches, the rescue searchers discover the two men wearing only their socks and underclothes, which makes sense since they were participating in a gangbang that was broken up by radioactive Russian Orthodox assassin monks. Their injuries were not recorded as unusual and the cause of death was determined to be hypothermia. Probably killed b y the mystical mind death grip which has claimed many a life in Russia’s time.
Igor Dyatlov, the group’s leader, age 23, Zinaida Kolmogorova, age 22, and Rustem Slobodin, age 23, were also found on February 26, 1959 between the forest and the campsite. I guess these three aren’t as fast as the other two, not that it really matters now anyway. Upon finding, Igor’s body was lying on his back with his head pointing towards the campsite with one hand holding a tree branch and the other is shielding his head. Sorry Igor, but a tree branch is no match for mystical assassins… nice try though. Igor and Zinaida’s injuries were not recorded as unusual. However, Rustem’s skull had a fracture from what I’m guessing was a major ass kicking laid down by those crazy monks. The state of dress for these three was not recorded. All three were documented as dying from hypothermia.
Fast-forward roughly three months to May 4, 1959, when the rest of the circus-love skiing expedition was found. All four were found buried under four meters of snow in the forest ravine seventy-five meters from the main pine tree by camp. It can be assumed that these four ran their little partially clothed skiing asses off while the other five in their party were being chased and getting their asses kicked because their injuries are more brutal due to pissing off their assailants.
Nicolas Thibeaux-Brignollel, age 24, was described as being better dressed but died due to a severely crushed skull and hypothermia. In this same area Alexander Kolevatov, age 25, was found. The condition of his body and attire, or lack there of was not recorded, he did not have any injuries that were remarked as “unusual”, and his cause of death was determined to be hypothermia.
Now on to the interesting deaths… Lyudmila Dubinina, age 21, was found wearing Georgyi Krivonischenko’s pants as shoes. Whoa, Lyudmila! Maybe you should have lain off the opioids and maybe you would have worn the pants as pants instead of as shoes. I don’t know about you, but that just proves to me that some fucked up freaky shit was going down in the middle of the Russian mountains. Those crazy monks must have caught on to this and beat this bitch up good; she was missing her tongue and other soft tissues from her oral cavity and her ribs symmetrically were crushed causing trauma to her lungs and possibly puncturing her heart. Lyudmila’s cause of death was due to her fatal rib injuries and hypothermia. Her body was noted to have traces of radiation from the mystical radioactive death powers of the monks.
Next found is Alexander Zolotarev, remember him? The pussy-monster only on the trip to build his ski instructing skills to get loads more of that hot Russian snatch… Anyway, he is considerably older than the rest of the group at age 37 and one of two assumptions could be made about him. A. He was the ringleader of this drug induced orgy ski fest or B. he didn’t know what the fuck he was getting himself into when he agreed to go on a remote ski trip with a bunch of younger freaks. Zolotarev is the only other member to be found wearing clothing from another person in the party. His body described as “better dressed” by wearing Lyudmila Dubinina’s hat and coat. His death injury also similar to hers as that he suffered many broken ribs, hypothermia, and his body had traces of radiation.
Mountain winter orgies always end badly…
Zolotarev and Dubinina are the only two skiers out of the party of nine that were found in another skier’s clothing and had traces of radiation on their bodies at the time of discovery. This means that they were the two that were severely punished by the radioactive monks that happened upon their campsite. Dubinina’s tongue and other soft oral tissues were ripped out because she was seen sucking off one of the dude’s cocks when the monks spotted the camp. The cock in question could have been Zolotarev himself because he is found wearing Dubinina’s hat and coat. The manner in which these two died is strikingly similar suggesting that the monks wanted to make an example of them to the surrounding communities. At their funerals, Zolotarev and Dubinina were described as having dark orange tanned skin and their hair had turned completely gray.
Eyewitness accounts suggest, “bright shining spheres” in the area and that such spheres could have blinded the skiers causing them to wildly exit their tents. People, “bright shining spheres” = radioactive Russian Orthodox assassin monks!!! Everyone knows that Russian Orthodox monks and priests are creepy as hell and they use mysticism to travel in the form of bright shining spheres. This mode of transportation explains the lack of the attackers’ footprints at the scene of the deaths.
The final “official” explanation given to what could cause nine well-trained, experienced mountaineers into mass hysteria was - wait for it - an “unknown compelling force.” Perhaps the REAL reason was the aforementioned reason I’ve given… RADIOACTIVE RUSSIAN ORTHODOX ASSASSIN MONKS!?!?!
The Dyatlov Pass Incident:
A Religious Conspiracy
Fifty-one years ago nine young skiers embarked on a trip, which lead to their deaths on a mountain that, in the colloquial native tongue, was referred to as “Mountain of the Dead.” Why this concept surprises anyone is, in its self, surprising. It seems clear that the mountain should have gained such a name from its reputation. Less clear is how these nine individuals came upon death’s doorstep. I’ll fill in the details about what happened that brutal February night in 1959
A sporting challenge
A group of nine, seven men and two women, experienced Nordic skiers embarked on a challenging expedition in the Ural Mountains in late January 1959. The purpose of such a sporting challenge was to push one’s skiing skills by following a predetermined route to Ojkachahl Peak then along the Northern Toshemka River to the town of Vizhaj.
All of the team’s members with the exception of Alexander Zolotarev were familiar with each other and were either students or recent graduates of the Ural Polytechnic Institute, which is located in Ekaterinburg, Sverdlovsk Oblast, Russia. Apparently, Alexander Zolotarev was along for the trip to earn points to advance to a master ski tour instructor… a skill known to make the Russian ladies’ panties drop. Possibly the first mistake of this trip was to follow the lead of Igor Dyatlov, for who the incident is named, instead of Zolotarev who was on his way to mastering the lady-killing skill of ski tour instructing.
On their way up the Urals, the group supposedly encounters “inclement weather”… its February, I’m pretty certain weather in February is always “inclement” in areas of the world that experience Winter. Whatever. So the group makes camp, takes pictures of the area, write in their journals and head to bed - to have a gangbang and take massive amounts of drugs- and then something so alarming happens that all nine of the travelers rip through their tents to run away. What were they running from exactly? The radioactive Russian Orthodox morality crusaders who caught them fucking the shit out of each other and the two women they brought along on their journey.
So… now we have explained why the nine sports enthusiasts are outside in subzero temperatures mostly in their unmentionables without boots or coats or any type of protective gear on what so ever.
Meet the campers… the campers meet death
Georgyi Krivonischenko, age 24, and Yuri Doroshenko, age 21, were the first of the skiers to be found on February 26, 1959 at the forest’s edge under a pine tree where there was the remains of a fire. After digging the bodies out from under the snow and cedar branches, the rescue searchers discover the two men wearing only their socks and underclothes, which makes sense since they were participating in a gangbang that was broken up by radioactive Russian Orthodox assassin monks. Their injuries were not recorded as unusual and the cause of death was determined to be hypothermia. Probably killed b y the mystical mind death grip which has claimed many a life in Russia’s time.
Igor Dyatlov, the group’s leader, age 23, Zinaida Kolmogorova, age 22, and Rustem Slobodin, age 23, were also found on February 26, 1959 between the forest and the campsite. I guess these three aren’t as fast as the other two, not that it really matters now anyway. Upon finding, Igor’s body was lying on his back with his head pointing towards the campsite with one hand holding a tree branch and the other is shielding his head. Sorry Igor, but a tree branch is no match for mystical assassins… nice try though. Igor and Zinaida’s injuries were not recorded as unusual. However, Rustem’s skull had a fracture from what I’m guessing was a major ass kicking laid down by those crazy monks. The state of dress for these three was not recorded. All three were documented as dying from hypothermia.
Fast-forward roughly three months to May 4, 1959, when the rest of the circus-love skiing expedition was found. All four were found buried under four meters of snow in the forest ravine seventy-five meters from the main pine tree by camp. It can be assumed that these four ran their little partially clothed skiing asses off while the other five in their party were being chased and getting their asses kicked because their injuries are more brutal due to pissing off their assailants.
Nicolas Thibeaux-Brignollel, age 24, was described as being better dressed but died due to a severely crushed skull and hypothermia. In this same area Alexander Kolevatov, age 25, was found. The condition of his body and attire, or lack there of was not recorded, he did not have any injuries that were remarked as “unusual”, and his cause of death was determined to be hypothermia.
Now on to the interesting deaths… Lyudmila Dubinina, age 21, was found wearing Georgyi Krivonischenko’s pants as shoes. Whoa, Lyudmila! Maybe you should have lain off the opioids and maybe you would have worn the pants as pants instead of as shoes. I don’t know about you, but that just proves to me that some fucked up freaky shit was going down in the middle of the Russian mountains. Those crazy monks must have caught on to this and beat this bitch up good; she was missing her tongue and other soft tissues from her oral cavity and her ribs symmetrically were crushed causing trauma to her lungs and possibly puncturing her heart. Lyudmila’s cause of death was due to her fatal rib injuries and hypothermia. Her body was noted to have traces of radiation from the mystical radioactive death powers of the monks.
Next found is Alexander Zolotarev, remember him? The pussy-monster only on the trip to build his ski instructing skills to get loads more of that hot Russian snatch… Anyway, he is considerably older than the rest of the group at age 37 and one of two assumptions could be made about him. A. He was the ringleader of this drug induced orgy ski fest or B. he didn’t know what the fuck he was getting himself into when he agreed to go on a remote ski trip with a bunch of younger freaks. Zolotarev is the only other member to be found wearing clothing from another person in the party. His body described as “better dressed” by wearing Lyudmila Dubinina’s hat and coat. His death injury also similar to hers as that he suffered many broken ribs, hypothermia, and his body had traces of radiation.
Mountain winter orgies always end badly…
Zolotarev and Dubinina are the only two skiers out of the party of nine that were found in another skier’s clothing and had traces of radiation on their bodies at the time of discovery. This means that they were the two that were severely punished by the radioactive monks that happened upon their campsite. Dubinina’s tongue and other soft oral tissues were ripped out because she was seen sucking off one of the dude’s cocks when the monks spotted the camp. The cock in question could have been Zolotarev himself because he is found wearing Dubinina’s hat and coat. The manner in which these two died is strikingly similar suggesting that the monks wanted to make an example of them to the surrounding communities. At their funerals, Zolotarev and Dubinina were described as having dark orange tanned skin and their hair had turned completely gray.
Eyewitness accounts suggest, “bright shining spheres” in the area and that such spheres could have blinded the skiers causing them to wildly exit their tents. People, “bright shining spheres” = radioactive Russian Orthodox assassin monks!!! Everyone knows that Russian Orthodox monks and priests are creepy as hell and they use mysticism to travel in the form of bright shining spheres. This mode of transportation explains the lack of the attackers’ footprints at the scene of the deaths.
The final “official” explanation given to what could cause nine well-trained, experienced mountaineers into mass hysteria was - wait for it - an “unknown compelling force.” Perhaps the REAL reason was the aforementioned reason I’ve given… RADIOACTIVE RUSSIAN ORTHODOX ASSASSIN MONKS!?!?!