....
life is just really crazy right now. School, work, dreams, repeat. I want to
do so many things right now but I can't. I want a boyfriend, but I don't
think that's possible, and maybe it's that defeated attitude that has me empty
handed in the first place, but whatever. I know someday...well no I don't know,
any day. Never know what's going to happen tomorrow. But I can hope, and be
let down. Before this school year I was able to live my life just day by day, never
really looking forward to much at all. It was fun like that. But I dunno what has
hold of me right now, but all I do is sulk and think all the time. I hate it. I find
myself wanting to get high, and get drunk just to shut myself up, or give myself
an excuse as to why my mind is racing the way it is. (Warning: what is said here
stays here, I'm not a drug addict or an alcoholic). Maybe it's the weather, but I'm
just indifferent all the time. I'm so indecisive, I just want relaztion,
"Ohhh, oh oh oh.....
I think I need a change of scenery
Warm water, sunshine, and laughter?
Just like my daydream
And on the nightly?
Everything is hot and sticky
But it’s ok
’cause no one plans to sleep here anyway"
le sigh. And I haven't written in this in a long ass time, not that anything
I ever write is meaningful, but this is me. I find myself doing what most
people do, filling my basket with frivilous things, material things just to
make myself feel better for the time being, to escape the reality of the end.
I hate not knowing, not knowing. And it scares me. I just think of how
deformed we have become. What are these feelings, I want to know, who
or what is doing this to me. I don't feel asured, and it's not asuring. It's
these moments when I sit alone that I just go off. I'm just scared. And I'm
trying not to let it get to me, and bring me down, but it's so much easier
to keep you're numb face is sticking to the cold tile floor than keeping your
head propped up. It's sad that I find it relaxing more than usual sleeping,
if coma's were reversable I'd surely rather live in my head than in reality.
There are so many good people in my life, and so many things good for me
here, but I dunno what to think sometimes. I dunno, I know there are people
that will listen to me, but I can't even sort out all my thoughts to tell someone,
and even this doesn't make any sense. But it seems even when I try to explain
myself, topics get changed, faces become awkward and distant. I just dunno...
I need a break. Oh perfect, my 3 week summer vacation from school! That'll be
fantabulous!!
scared.
do so many things right now but I can't. I want a boyfriend, but I don't
think that's possible, and maybe it's that defeated attitude that has me empty
handed in the first place, but whatever. I know someday...well no I don't know,
any day. Never know what's going to happen tomorrow. But I can hope, and be
let down. Before this school year I was able to live my life just day by day, never
really looking forward to much at all. It was fun like that. But I dunno what has
hold of me right now, but all I do is sulk and think all the time. I hate it. I find
myself wanting to get high, and get drunk just to shut myself up, or give myself
an excuse as to why my mind is racing the way it is. (Warning: what is said here
stays here, I'm not a drug addict or an alcoholic). Maybe it's the weather, but I'm
just indifferent all the time. I'm so indecisive, I just want relaztion,
"Ohhh, oh oh oh.....
I think I need a change of scenery
Warm water, sunshine, and laughter?
Just like my daydream
And on the nightly?
Everything is hot and sticky
But it’s ok
’cause no one plans to sleep here anyway"
le sigh. And I haven't written in this in a long ass time, not that anything
I ever write is meaningful, but this is me. I find myself doing what most
people do, filling my basket with frivilous things, material things just to
make myself feel better for the time being, to escape the reality of the end.
I hate not knowing, not knowing. And it scares me. I just think of how
deformed we have become. What are these feelings, I want to know, who
or what is doing this to me. I don't feel asured, and it's not asuring. It's
these moments when I sit alone that I just go off. I'm just scared. And I'm
trying not to let it get to me, and bring me down, but it's so much easier
to keep you're numb face is sticking to the cold tile floor than keeping your
head propped up. It's sad that I find it relaxing more than usual sleeping,
if coma's were reversable I'd surely rather live in my head than in reality.
There are so many good people in my life, and so many things good for me
here, but I dunno what to think sometimes. I dunno, I know there are people
that will listen to me, but I can't even sort out all my thoughts to tell someone,
and even this doesn't make any sense. But it seems even when I try to explain
myself, topics get changed, faces become awkward and distant. I just dunno...
I need a break. Oh perfect, my 3 week summer vacation from school! That'll be
fantabulous!!
scared.