(no subject)
so things seem like there looking up in some ways. but in other ways i just want my life to end. my emotions are running like a crazy uncontrollable rollercoaster. i cant even control how i feel at all. i go from complete utter sadness to psychotic rage without warning.theres so much more to it that i cant even describe. what the fuck is happening to me? sometimes i think its just the winter time that does this to me. or could it be, being stuck in my house all the time? i talked to someone about all this and they suggested i may be bi-polar. i need to be put on medication again.
i dwell on the past so much its crazy. theres certain things i can never seem to get out of my head. i think about how bad i fucked things up and all the things i should have done, to make it all better. but its so far in the past i dont get why its still in my head. i dont understand this depression. its killing me. sometimes i just wanna find the best heroin ever and sniff it all up my pathetic nose in two seconds flat. end my life with the best feeling i know. but dont think im a junkie, im far from that. i barely even do drugs at all anymore. i care way more about saving money for a car and getting myself away that drugs. although thats all anyones ever thought of me. i find it funny how my own friends cant come over or hang out with me without some asshole telling them if they come here ill make them do drugs. fuck all of u, u dont even know me.
i dont even know if that made sense. fuck it.
i dwell on the past so much its crazy. theres certain things i can never seem to get out of my head. i think about how bad i fucked things up and all the things i should have done, to make it all better. but its so far in the past i dont get why its still in my head. i dont understand this depression. its killing me. sometimes i just wanna find the best heroin ever and sniff it all up my pathetic nose in two seconds flat. end my life with the best feeling i know. but dont think im a junkie, im far from that. i barely even do drugs at all anymore. i care way more about saving money for a car and getting myself away that drugs. although thats all anyones ever thought of me. i find it funny how my own friends cant come over or hang out with me without some asshole telling them if they come here ill make them do drugs. fuck all of u, u dont even know me.
i dont even know if that made sense. fuck it.