Tears Dry On Their Own - Chapter 7
Title: Tears Dry On Their Own
Pairing: JaeMin (Main), HoMin (BFFs! extremely minor), HoSu, Yoochun/OFC
Rating: R
Length: Chaptered - 7/15 +Epilogue (Liable to change)
Genre: Romance, Angst (a lot in this chapter), Drama, Fluff, Humor, AU
Warnings: Language, Mentions of Adultery, References to Sex
Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction. The characters belong to themselves. The plot-line is mine. Do not translate this fic or distribute it without permission.
Summary: Two stunningly powerful individuals; so hopelessly in love. They had everything anyone could ever want - fame, money, love and a family worth more than all the happiness in the world.
But something happened. Something wrong.
One half of their whole committed a mistake that the other could never accept and, thus, unleashed a story of discovery, understanding and forgiveness.
A/N : The longest chapter I've written for this and I'm so tired. What a rollercoaster.
Jaejoong,
I haven’t written a single letter to you in a month.
I wanted to forget. At least for a while.
Yunho…he told me what I was doing wasn’t healthy. That hurting myself was not the answer to ruining you.
I wonder then, what it will take to usurp you from your throne, Kim Jaejoong? What will it take for me to rip you apart, bit by bit, one emotion at a time?
Oh, but these are nothing but hopeless words for a hopeless love.
The difference between this letter and the others is that this will not be me crying over spilled milk. I’ve realised that though my love for you is insanity, my love for our son far surpasses that. I need to remind myself of this in every passing second - or else it would only be too easy to give up.
I won’t see him hurt.
I won’t hurt him by destroying myself.
Even as I think that I can’t help but wonder why our love couldn’t be as pure? Why couldn’t the mere thought of hurting the other be enough to say “No.”
Would you have gone so out of your way to hurt our son, just because you wanted to prove something to yourself?
I will not waste more time crying over this.
Over you.
Why do you make me question myself and my choices at every turn? Why do you make me wonder why I wasn’t enough? What was so wrong with me that you had to grab my hand and yank me down so hard that my body and heart were bruised all over?
I have not been the perfect husband to you. There were many times I chose my career over you - not because I loved you any less - but because I wanted to be so much more for you. I wanted you to be proud and in that quest I made many mistakes but none that could half as hurt you, as you did me.
You have gone seamlessly out of your way to figure out how to break “perfect” Changmin’s “perfect” façade. When you full well know it never existed.
No. What you wanted to do was show the world that I was nothing but chaos underneath.
You let your insecurities drive you to unleashing my own.
And now I am destruction and hate.
Now our lives are spilled like a toppled over paint canister in front of the hungry eyes of every single person who had little to no right to even see a fraction of it.
There is no love lost between us, my love - there was too much to begin with.
The trust? Now that was ripped to miniscule shreds.
I’ve reiterated this point so many times but it’s like a tumor in my brain. Never letting me forget and I wonder again - how can I trust you when every time I close my eyes I see you with her?
I hear your voice echoing through my head “that was the last time.”
This is my last time, Kim Jaejoong.
This is the last time I’m going to walk in front of you and ask you -
“Is there anything left to save?”
They say “Sometimes, the only reason why you won't let go of what's making you sad is because it was the only thing that made you happy.”
Does that still hold true to us?
Yours,
Forever and for always,
Changmin.
Changmin stepped out of his Vanquish, one of the most “celebrity -like” cars that he owned and pulled off his sunglasses to stare at the building in front of him.
Three years ago he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t step foot in there, but here he was adding to a growing list of broken promises that were the courtesy of his ex-husband.
Yoochun who happened to glance out of the window of Jaejoong’s office, saw the car for what it was - a statement and an armor.
There were many things Shim Changmin was - flashy was not one of them. That car was to show every person within Jaejoong’s company that the model was not at the same level as them. He was not just anybody; and they didn’t have a single right to say anything about him that would bring him down.
The mask was back on - frigid eyes, impeccable posture and a silent mouth that only a few people had the privilege of knowing how sharp its tongue really was. Cutting could hardly express Shim Changmin’s way of speaking.
Yoochun looked down at the photographs in front of him, lying on Jaejoong’s desk in a haphazard fashion - as if his friend had taken one look at them and flung them on to the desk in anger.
Oh, but the lawyer knew what had peeved his best friend - it was the raw vulnerability in the pictures.
While so many were used to seeing Changmin seduce the camera, nobody had yet seen him expose himself so wholly. Even Yoochun had to look away from the depth of the model’s eyes as they gazed back at him.
There was so much sadness in them, so much innocence.
He could practically feel a phantom twinge of Jaejoong’s jealousy. No…nobody should be allowed to see him this way.
Silently, and almost guiltily Yoochun wondered if the person who took these pictures was one of the few Changmin had slept with, knowing full well that these would be the pictures that would set Jaejoong’s heart ablaze.
It pained him to see them move to such lengths to test the other in their love.
The other photos weren’t any better, postures all showing defeat or at the very least an innocent surrender - an acceptance of what fate had given him.
Yoochun reached over and turned one of the pictures over, only to find that Jaejoong had written something behind it - almost unconsciously it would seem - as the writing looked fairly unclear and haphazard.
“You are tired
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.
Come with me then
And we'll leave it far and far away-
(Only you and I understand!)”
You have played
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break and-
Just tired.
So am I.
But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart-
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows
And if you like
The perfect places of Sleep.
Ah come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble the moon
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream
Until I find the Only Flower
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.
EE Cummings. Yoochun thought as he traced the words with his finger.
One more of Jaejoong’s favourite poets.
He wondered whether these were Jaejoong’s words to Changmin? Or what Jaejoong perceived as Changmin’s words to him.
There had been a time long ago when the three friends had looked on at the two and wondered - what was it about poetry that made those two so wholly in love?
Junsu has said quite empathetically that he felt like the two embodied the essence of poetry - abstract, terrifying and meaningful in ways that are beyond words and solely in context.
Yunho had more or less agreed.
But Yoochun, he was the one who saw it a little differently. Poetry was in every sense a lack of structure, a lack of simple communication - but there was meaning. There was a deeper understanding.
While Changmin and Jaejoong could never communicate (and that formed the basis of their collapse as a couple) - they understood each other. They saw the meaning in each other.
They saw themselves in each other.
Yoochun looked up and saw Jaejoong walk back into the office, flinging his phone onto the sofa and running a hand through his hair.
“Find that fucking photographer and have him fired!” Jaejoong shouted, letting out soft growls in between every word.
“As much as I would love to see how well that would pan out in court. I can’t do that. It’s against company policy to fire people without discussing it with them first and not to mention illegal to fire someone for no reason other than you being jealous.”
“Shut the fuck up, Yoochun. I’m sure he’s the bastard that Changmin-“
“Slept with?” A voice said from the door.
Yoochun raised an eyebrow and took that as his cue to leave; smiling softly at Changmin before walking around him and out the door.
Jaejoong on the other hand stood stalk still, clenching and unclenching his fist.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Jaejoong snarled, refusing to turn around.
“Last I heard, I owned half this company.” Changmin said dryly, “I came to talk,” he said, locking the office door behind him and looking at Jaejoong’s broad back.
“I think we’ve both said and done enough, don’t you?”
Changmin smirked a little at that, “No. I’ve said enough. You’ve done enough. Now, I’m doing and you’re going to start talking.”
Jaejoong turned around and glared at his ex-husband, “You want me to talk? Are you going to let me talk? Or are you going to go back to proving what a fucking slut I married.”
The older man knew he’d regret the words as soon as they came out of his mouth, but apparently his brain and his mouth had little do with each other at this point.
Changmin’s eyes hardened even more if that was possible. The model walked around Jaejoong towards his table and picked up one of the pictures.
“Ironic isn’t it? You fucked your secretary on this table in front of me…and now you’re throwing a tantrum over the idea that the pictures on your table are from the same man that fucked me.”
Jaejoong bit his lip and glared harder at the man in front of him.
Changmin just laughed a little hollowly.
“Should I narrate it to you, Jaejoong? Tell you how I looked at him so vulnerably, showed him how soft the Ice Prince really was, walked up to him after the shoot, ran my hands along his arms, whispered in his ears, asked him to come to a hotel with me so that he could get his hands all over m-“
“Shut up! Shut up Shut up Shut up!”
“Why?! Does it hurt?! Does it burn you on the inside?! Does it make you want to hate me?!”
“I don’t care!” Jaejoong shouted, his eyes wide, hands trembling, “I don’t give a fucking crap about what you do now!
Changmin smiled, tilted his head to the side and stared at the man he loved with everything in him, “You care. It makes you sick. It makes you want to claw out of your skin because you can’t even breathe. You’re suffocating - but big bad Kim, he won’t show it - because he doesn’t want to be beaten at his own sick game.”
Jaejoong laughed incredulously, “Junsu, he came at me - called me psychotic for playing you - but we both know who the real psychopath is! Everyone thinks you’re this innocent little flower, defiled by the big bad Kim Jaejoong. But nobody, nobody knows what you were like. Four years I saw you go from a sixteen year old innocent, wonderful and bright boy to a fucking anorexic, drug addict that hated the whole fucking world. I watched you spit in my face every single fucking time I said no to you, told you to stop. I saw you take yourself and destroy everything about yourself one by one, inch by fucking inch. Everyday I’d hear you say how much you hated me, wished I was dead because I’d put you into rehab, the emotionally unstable bastard that you were. I married you because I loved you to the moon and back, and I thought that that would be enough. I thought if you had something or someone to hold on to that you would stop but then the only fucking time you stopped - even thought about changing yourself was when I told you I wanted to be a father. And do you know what the best part was? I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be one, because I was too fucking young. I didn’t know what to do! So I did everything. So tell me? Was I supposed to feel secure in our relationship? Was I supposed to feel loved? Didn’t you even think for one second that you going back to modeling was going to ruin me? Ruin us.”
Jaejoong breathed, eyes bright and stared at the man in front of him.
“You may have conveniently forgotten what those years were like Changmin, but I fucking didn’t. And now you go and do everything that you used to do before, to what? Prove a point? Play the same fucking game I did. Hurt me. Hurt you. Destroy everything so that there’s no forgiveness? So instead of sitting here, telling me how you went around screwing every guy with a dick and rubbing it in my face, why don’t you go find Junsu and tell him who the real psychopath is - tell him it’s y-!“
“Us,” Changmin said, eyes flashing dangerously, “Do you realize how fucking abnormal this is? Do you realize how fucking screwed up we are? That we can’t even communicate like normal people? That we have to hurt and hurt and hurt to prove a point that could have so easily been cleared in one angry conversation. I knew what me asking you to let me go to Milan was going to do to you, I knew you’d be scared, but I also trusted you to believe that I wasn’t going to fuck up anymore. Do you know how much I tried? How much time I’d spend everyday trying to be better for you? Showing you that I was worthy of your love? Being fucking perfect so that you’d be proud. Wasn’t that apology enough? Am I always going to have to walk around with that weight on my shoulders?”
The younger man now had tears streaming down his face, “Adopting Kris isn’t what made me better….it was you. I changed for you. When you talked about wanting to adopt, I was so scared. I was twenty years old and I was a fucking drug addicted, super model that was messing up the one good thing I had going for me. I got clean so that you could have a future with someone like me; So that you could finally finally be proud of having a failure like me as a husband and as the father of your child. Everything I’ve ever done has been for you.”
Changmin sat down on the sofa and put his head in his hands, “I wanted to go to Milan so that I could prove to you that I had changed enough, healed enough, that I could get back into modeling and not screw up. But then I saw, I saw how much you hated the idea and even though I tried to fight you on it, I gave up and said okay and you left and I thought you needed space and it was all going to be okay. Four months later I walked in on you screwing your secretary in this office and it fucking hurt. I died a little on the inside every single time I remembered and I had to leave or I’d ruin myself. I filed for a divorce because I was angry and I couldn’t even think about letting you near me or even seeing you. I left and then three years later, three long long years of healing later, I came back. I came back to say it’s okay, it was one mistake. I found every way to justify what you did and I was ready to let it go. Only then I find out it wasn’t one mistake. It was four months of you cheating on me. Cheating and then coming back home to me like nothing was wrong, sleeping in our bed and telling me you loved me. And now all I want to do is make you hurt. I want to see you in pain. I want to make you feel what you made me feel and the only way I know how is by hurting myself.”
Changmin looked up helplessly at his ex-husband and held out both his hands in question, his lower lip trembling like a child’s, “Why would you do this to me? Why are you killing me? Why don’t you love me as much as I love you? Why do you have to make everything so hard to deal with? Why am I just never ever enough?”
Jaejoong knelt down in front of the model and held the man’s face between his shivering palms, “I love you. I love you. I love you so much that I go crazy when it comes to dealing with you. Changminnie, I’m so gone on you, I can’t even see straight. I’m a horrible person. I hurt you. I know that. In my head, I had to see how much I meant to you. I was angry and I was going insane from that anger. Every time I saw you all I could hear was you telling me you hated me, four years, Changmin. Four years I had to hear you say you hated me, that you wished I was dead, that I was the reason you’d ruined your life. When you wanted to go to Milan, instead of understanding you, I wanted to punish you for things that you’d done so long ago, I wanted you to be sorry you’d even brought it up and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I ruined everything because I didn’t understand.”
Changmin grabbed Jaejoong’s hands and pulled them down into his lap.
“In those years that we were married, did you ever, even for a second think I would cheat on you or betray you in anyway, no matter how messed up I got?”
Jaejoong shut his eyes.
“Never.”
Changmin turned his head away, “Do you understand how privileged you were to have that assurance? How privileged you were to just know that no matter how bad things got, my loyalty, my whole being only belonged to you?”
Jaejoong looked up at the younger man and held on to his hands tightly, “I know. I know. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. God, what do I do?”
“Do you still love me, despite everything?”
“Yes…more than anyone or anything.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Ask me?”
“Do you still love me, despite everything?”
“Yes. More than my own life.”
Jaejoong shut his eyes.
“Do you trust me?”
Changmin breathed.
“No.”
Jaejoong looked up at him helplessly.
“But I want to try to.”
__________________________
A/N 2: Such an intense chapter. I can't even move right now because it was so draining to write. I guess you guys now know why the last was a bit of a break from the angst because this chapter was so loaded with it.
A/N 3: They're going to start healing now, I think. So I guess it's going to get progressively fluffier?
A/N 4: Please comment and let me know what you think. I appreciate people reading this any way, but I'd also like it if people let me know what they think as it's the only reward fanfiction authors get.