Breaking Even - Chapter 7
(Poster By: Shriya_4)
Pairing: YooMin, YunJae, BFF!YooSu, Changmin-Centric, JaeMin
Length: Chaptered
Rating: R - NC-17
Genre: Horror, Romance, Drama, Heavy!Angst, Band!Fic, Dark!Themes, Tragedy (Not Character Death).
Warnings: Violence, Sasaeng fans, Rape, Torture, Drugs, Heavy!Psychological Trauma.
Disclaimer The boys - Yeah. Right. The plot - All mine. Any resemblance to any other work is purely coincidental.
Summary A sasaeng fan is out to get the boys. Feeding on the insecurities of the youngest, she draws him and the other four into a game that's worse than death and the very reflection of hell on Earth.
Chapter 7:
“Schizophrenia. Are you aware of the word, Mr. Shim?”
Is that what they call the demons in your head?
The ones you create?
The ones that tell you how sick, how depraved you really are.
Hahaha, all these Psychiatrists pretending to explain the inexplicable.
It’s normal, isn’t it Changmin?
We were your…hmmm…how do we say this?
Sane reaction to an insane situation?
Let them diagnose you.
Let them try.
We’re never going away.
“I’m aware.”
“Do you believe that’s what you have?”
“No.”
“Then what is it that you believe is wrong with you? You’ve attended these sessions for six months, Mr. Shim, other than PTSD which is more than apparent in your case, I don’t believe there’s much else we’re going to be able to do together until you start talking.”
Changmin winced, reaching an arm over to the other in order to dig his nails deep into his skin, trying desperately to keep the nightmarish voices at bay.
“I know I don’t have Schizophrenia…I don’t feel a disjoint from reality…I’m not deluded…and frankly…the voices…in my opinion, are an antithesis of my conscience. You can’t help me if you’re going to go out of your way to find something wrong with me, Doctor. I’m not here out of compulsion…I’m here voluntarily. I don’t need you to give me a list of things that could tell me I’m fucked up. I’m as fucked up as I can get and all you need to do, is shut up and treat me for PTSD because that’s what I’m fucking paying you for.”
“That’s not how it works. And you know that.”
“I’m leaving.”
“Mr. Shim, you realise that I’m obligated to mention if you’re a threat to yourself or society?”
Changmin nearly laughed out loud.
“If you think I’m a threat to society, then you’re in the wrong field. If you think I’m a threat to myself….I’m not. I want to survive and I will. If I have to live with the darkness that comes with existing, I’ll do it. And I’m sure as hell not taking anyone with me.”
“Mr. Shim-“
“Please, Doctor. If you haven’t been through what I’ve been…if you can’t feel what I feel, think what I think and really understand why I’ve become the way I have, then you have no right to deem anything I do as wrong or maladaptive.”
“We’re not done talking about this, Mr. Shim.”
“We are today.”
Changmin walked out of the office with a tired shake of his head and stepped out into the deserted corridor.
Antithesis of your conscience?
Interesting depiction…Mr.Shim.
But we don’t tell you to do something wrong…
We just tell you how wrong you are.
Your existence.
Filthy.
Dirty filthy boy.
Why don’t you tell him?
The drugs.
The xanax and then the methadone.
On and off. Off and on.
You love it.
Not feeling.
Not being scared all the fucking time.
Woop. They’re behind you. Just…there.
Waiting.
Waiting for you to slip up so that they can get you.
Tick tock, Mr. Shim.
It’s cat and mouse time and three guesses who the mouse is.
Changmin pressed his hands against the door behind him as a wave of dizziness hit him. The drugs helped…but they were starting to take a toll on his ability to think clearly.
Enough. Enough for today. We have to go back. Back to the hyungs.
Back to pretending that Yoochun and Junsu dating each other doesn’t bother you.
Back to pretending that you’re not the reason that Yunho and Jaejoong are going to break up.
Back to…what?
Back to where nobody wants you.
Yes. Back to where I don’t belong.
“Oh. You’re back. How was it?” Yunho asked as Changmin walked through the front door.
“Fine.”
Yunho reached out hesitantly to stroke Changmin’s cheek, surprised that the other hadn’t pulled away as he had so many times before.
“Changdol-ah…”
Guilty guilty boy.
Are you going to tell him?
Hmm? Your favourite hyung…the one who loves you the most.
How you fucked-
STOP IT!
Stop what?
You should tell him.
How you both went drinking…
How you both want to forget…
Hahahaha…how you pressed his precious Jaejoong down against the filthy counter in the filthy toilet and took and took and took.
And poor JaeJae…just trying to be anything that his little dongsaeng needs..
It’s a joke.
You’re a joke.
Tell Yunho-Hyung how you messed up the one chance he has at being happy.
TELL HIM!
Nononononono! Enough! Once…it was once and it meant nothing. It was anger…at Yoochun…at Junsu…I was sad…
How typical of you…
You say that you don’t want to take people down with you
But the truth is that you’ll let everyone else drown before you could even think about drowning yourself.
You’re so disgusting.
Tainted.
Maybe you deserved everything that happened to you.
No. You did deserve it.
Because people like you deserve to suffer.
To hurt.
Changmin pulled away from Yunho and averted his gaze, the guilt choking him like blood.
“Chang-“
“I need to sleep, Hyung. I’m tired…I-“
“Oh, of course. I’m sorry, it’s been a long day. I’ve put your medicines on your side table and a bottle of water. Keep yourself hydrated. We don’t have a schedule for tomorrow, so you can just …sleep in, I guess.”
Sleep in?
He thinks you sleep?
What a joke.
You haven’t slept in over half a year…
I’m sorry, Hyung. I’m sorry for worrying you…I’m sorry for ruining everything. I’m sorry…
“Thank you, Hyung.”
The younger band member pulled nervously at his cardigan and shuffled around Yunho towards his room, only to freeze when he saw Yoochun step out of Junsu’s room shirtless and dishevelled.
Somebody had a good time.
Probably went at it like rabbits while you were out getting called crazy.
He must be so relieved.
No longer required to take care of your sorry, messed up ass.
It hurts…
Of course it hurts, it’s supposed to.
You wanted to break up.
You got your wish.
In fact you practically pushed him into Junsu’s awaiting arms.
They’re both probably laughing at you behind your back anyway.
They wouldn’t. Even if…even if…they’re together…they love me…both of them…I’m still…still…their bro-brother.
Aw, you sweet, naïve little shithole.
Nobody cares about you.
You aren’t their family.
You aren’t anything.
You’re a band member.
You’re part of their job.
It’s their fucking job to tolerate you.
“Yoochun-Hyung…”
He could see the older flinch at the suffix.
Look, he can’t even stand being associated with you in anyway.
“Oh, Changmin-ah…how-how was the therapy session?”
“Ummm…it’s going well…I-yes…He said I’m getting better…”
Liar liar asshole on fire.
“Ah, really? That’s great news!”
Look at the hope in his eyes…I guess he’d only want you if you were normal, huh?
Till then he’s going to fuck Junsu as much as he wants.
Who would want a batshit crazy person as a boyfriend.
Changmin was about to smile when Junsu came out of his room, looking sleepy.
“Why’d you get out of bed, Chunnie? Oh! Changmin-ah!”
Chunnie. Ouch. Even I admit that’s a bit harsh.
You should kill him.
It’ll be fun.
We’ll help.
We aren’t going to hurt Junsu-Hyung. Ever. He can- he can love Yoochun-hyung better than I can…he’s…whole. He’s normal. He isn’t…scarred…
Yes. That’s true.
Maybe you should kill yourself?
After all…wouldn’t the world be easier without you making everyone so uncomfortable.
Nah, if you’re not around then where’s the fun?
Who can we fuck around with if itty bitty Minnie is around to whimper in pain.
I wonder how your wittle ex is going to react when he finds out that you broke up with him to keep him safe?
Safe from you…safe from them…
Flashback
Changmin watched fearfully as Taejoon broke open the lock on the gate. The one thing now standing in his way to freedom.
“You have to run. You have to run as fast as you can and never look back,” the boy said as he finally managed to get it unlocked.
“How far?” He swallowed painfully…”How far is the city from here…?”
“An hour, if you run like your life- if you run like you have to.”
Changmin moved to do just that when Taejoon’s hand shot out to grab a hold of his wrecked arm.
“They’ll try and get you back,” he whispered, “And this time they’ll do their best to hurt everyone that gets in their way…Your…thing…with Park Yoochun…it has to stop.”
“Wh-?”
“Listen to me. There were times I wanted to kill him for touching you…for touching what’s mine-“
Sick.
Sick.
No.
Can you feel it?
That feeling of being owned by something inhuman?
A bitch.
“They don’t have the same self-control that I do. You need to stop. You need to be careful. That girl- she’s Yoochun biased. She’ll….please. Just think about it.”
“I-I need to go.”
With that, Changmin ran…ran without the possibility of a future.
End Flashback.
He can never know.
Oh. He will.
But by then…who knows whether you’ll be alive to see it.
Who knows whether you’ll want to skin yourself, kill yourself, ruin every disgusting, tragic bit of yourself until you’re nothing but bones and dust.
Changmin dug his nails into his arm behind his back and smiled wryly at Junsu as the other draped his arms over Yoochun’s shoulder in something vaguely resembling possession.
You should know.
After all, you belong to them now.
Shim Changmin.
The sasaeng bitch.
The one who died.
The one who survived.
The one and only child of glory and gore.
xoxoxoxoxoA/N: /sighs/ I know I'm a terrible person.
A/N 2: Again, thank you to everyone who has continued to support this turtle-paced fic. As usual, I want to hug everyone who comments, because I know I don't reply due of the lack of time and you'll still give me the support.
A/N 3: Feel free to read some of my comedic fics to get out of this zone. It helps. Trust me.