I did it again
I did it again. I blocked him. I couldn't do it any longer. I just don't understand what happened. We were so good in April. He was so nice and friendly to me. I don't even know what the hell happened to ruin that.
So now I'm alone again. Thinking of all the good times he and I had together. I remember seeing him in gym class and instantly developing a crush on him. He was just so cute and quiet. I remember always being so excited to see him and talk to him online.
Junior year I don't remember him much. All I remember is seeing him at the homecoming game and being so pissed that he was dating that ugly fat cow Jill.
Senior year is where I have most of my memories of him. I remember him asking for a hug at the homecoming game and how he'd stare at me from acroos the bandroom and started talking to me in the mornings and started talking to me more online. The first wrestling meet I went to was great...he looked so good.
The day he asked me out is probably one of the greatest days of my life. We were both so nervous during that movie and it was just so perfect how he pulled me close, kissed me, and asked me to be his girl. I had my first kiss that day....in the snow.
Being in his arms always made me feel so safe. I loved having him close and hugging him and breathing in his scent.
Prom was amazing with him. he was so sweet.
And he was always amazing to me. The night I freaked out, he was the best.
I loved my last summer with him. I loved and cherished every minute of it. I was so silly to think he'd stay with me in college adn that we'd get married and have 4 children.
When he broke up with me, I felt like my world was ending. I cried myself to sleep for a good two weeks and called him, begging me to take him back. He was still so sweet nad kind to me for the longest time.
I don't know where things took a bad turn an I don't know how things ended up how they are today. I don't understand how things can go so horribly when you've liked a guy for three years. I don't understand it. I'm hurt and I'm confused. I don't understand what happened after April to make things so bad. I wish we could have a do over but we can't. He doesn't trust me. He refuses to see that I've changed. He refuses to forgive me for my past and put it behind him. I'm no longer his beautiful angel....I'm not even attractive to him anymore. I've become a psychotic hag to him. I tried so hard to change that, tried so hard to get him to see me for who I am today. But he just couldn't. And I just couldn't do it anymore.
Jeff, I'm sorry for allthe pain and trouble I caused you. I'm sorry for being a bitch and clinging on for the longest time. I'm sorry I broke your heart when I dumped you for a night. I'm sorry i went off to Chicago and left you behind. I'm sorry I didn't make room for you. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you this year when you had your surgeries and injuries. I'm sorry you didn't let me in. I'm sorry things had to end this way. I'm sorry for everything. I know this is all my fault and I'll have to live with the guilt of fucking up the one perfect thing in my life. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.
I wish he'd comment this....but I know he won't. He doesn't know this journal exists. I wish he'd at least say something, like telling me to quit blaming myself, that I'm being stupid and emotional and irrational. but I know he won't.
I've lost him. And that's also all my fault.
So now I'm alone again. Thinking of all the good times he and I had together. I remember seeing him in gym class and instantly developing a crush on him. He was just so cute and quiet. I remember always being so excited to see him and talk to him online.
Junior year I don't remember him much. All I remember is seeing him at the homecoming game and being so pissed that he was dating that ugly fat cow Jill.
Senior year is where I have most of my memories of him. I remember him asking for a hug at the homecoming game and how he'd stare at me from acroos the bandroom and started talking to me in the mornings and started talking to me more online. The first wrestling meet I went to was great...he looked so good.
The day he asked me out is probably one of the greatest days of my life. We were both so nervous during that movie and it was just so perfect how he pulled me close, kissed me, and asked me to be his girl. I had my first kiss that day....in the snow.
Being in his arms always made me feel so safe. I loved having him close and hugging him and breathing in his scent.
Prom was amazing with him. he was so sweet.
And he was always amazing to me. The night I freaked out, he was the best.
I loved my last summer with him. I loved and cherished every minute of it. I was so silly to think he'd stay with me in college adn that we'd get married and have 4 children.
When he broke up with me, I felt like my world was ending. I cried myself to sleep for a good two weeks and called him, begging me to take him back. He was still so sweet nad kind to me for the longest time.
I don't know where things took a bad turn an I don't know how things ended up how they are today. I don't understand how things can go so horribly when you've liked a guy for three years. I don't understand it. I'm hurt and I'm confused. I don't understand what happened after April to make things so bad. I wish we could have a do over but we can't. He doesn't trust me. He refuses to see that I've changed. He refuses to forgive me for my past and put it behind him. I'm no longer his beautiful angel....I'm not even attractive to him anymore. I've become a psychotic hag to him. I tried so hard to change that, tried so hard to get him to see me for who I am today. But he just couldn't. And I just couldn't do it anymore.
Jeff, I'm sorry for allthe pain and trouble I caused you. I'm sorry for being a bitch and clinging on for the longest time. I'm sorry I broke your heart when I dumped you for a night. I'm sorry i went off to Chicago and left you behind. I'm sorry I didn't make room for you. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you this year when you had your surgeries and injuries. I'm sorry you didn't let me in. I'm sorry things had to end this way. I'm sorry for everything. I know this is all my fault and I'll have to live with the guilt of fucking up the one perfect thing in my life. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.
I wish he'd comment this....but I know he won't. He doesn't know this journal exists. I wish he'd at least say something, like telling me to quit blaming myself, that I'm being stupid and emotional and irrational. but I know he won't.
I've lost him. And that's also all my fault.