Cel's admittin it x.x;...(Shield your eyes, you homophobic bastards.)
Dear Journal,
Sometimes, the road of life can be full of potholes. God damn, do they appear a lot on my route. Sometimes, you can take a backroad, and when you do...You never know when your switching streets.
I guess, that's one way to explain how I feel. The transition from 12 to 13 was nothing. What's the difference of being a teen, and a preteen? I find myself asking this question over and over. 13 year olds around me seem to think they are bigger, smarter, and overall better then a preteen is. Everywhere, in real life, on TV, over a computer...It's a big deal to be a teen. Why don't I feel the difference? I feel just as powerless to helping the world around me, and just as small compared to everyone else, as I always have been.
I notice, that sometimes I look back at times, and think "...Well that was ignorant." Or, "Jeesh I was stupid." But I've done that all of my life, or at least for the past several years. My life seems to be dedicated to finding the faults in myself. Does this sound right?
There are two things I have been exploring this past while. Religion, and sexual orientation. I feel that these two things will mostly show who I am, or who I want to be. Figuring out where I am, in these subjects, will help me move on with life. Both are tough things to find yourself in. Although I wish to understand them in such a small amount of time, I know I won't be at peace in them for a long time.
Religion, seems to be a toughy. I realized that there is a period of time in your life, which you have no direction to go into. Either I've came to this period early, or everyone comes to it at a random time.
When you're young, if your parents are church goers, you have no choice but to go (Usually.) This goes on till you completely refuse, (Like I did.) your parents stop going, or until the church school years end. I guess I didn't stay in church school long enough, to learn more then "God is great." And all of that. Looking up bible texts, and listening to other's opinions doesn't exactly help you form your own. (Correcting me if I'm wrong here.)
So I stopped going. Year and a half, I believe, I haven't gone. My parents go, and of course, my dad is now a Student Minister. Ironic? Much. He was in school at the time I stopped going to church, but I didn't really care. Now, I am asked to go to church, and so I do. I'm supposed to be in choir, even though the leader makes me very very very anxious. (Makes meh feel like ill throw up. My voice will be off. )
I've hit the time where you wonder...Who is God? Why should you believe in him? What reason is there? Why not sin...? Sin is hard to control. Is not believing in God a way out of this work? I've wondered. And now that I'm in a Christian school, and more beliefs are pushed on me, I have nothing to do but to wonder a little more.
I came to the conclusion that I must look at the oldest dated bible I can find, and read it. I agree, a lot of today's religion is based on ritual, and tradition. Some of this tradition may be good, and some not. Only the bible can tell me this. But then, the thing is, how do I know that the bible was translated incorrectly? How do I know it wasn't fixed so that it went by tradition?
...It's hard. Something could of been read wrong. Someone could of understood it incorrectly. You never know. What if the bible is a fictional story? What if it's just a big story book.
I guess, this is enough rants about religion. All i know, is that I shall read the bible, and take what I need. I am too young to devote myself to God. I know this. I do not understand, and I know I won't...I think these are the years I shall look up to my father, and how decisive he is. It must be wonderful, to know where you stand. Does he have doubts? Who knows.
Now...Sexual orientation, was it? I guess this intertwines with religion. Homosexuals are the mark of Satan, it supposedly says. If anyone reads to here, or reads this at all, please tell me if I'm the mark of Satan.
Two years ago, I asked my Mom what was the difference between man and woman, really. All it is reproductive organs. What the hell is the big deal? I guess it's religion. Man was made to be with woman, not woman with woman, or man with man. I think it's total bull. Love is love. If you fall in love with a male, and your male, then that's fate. If you fall in love with a woman, and your a male, then that too, is fate. If you fall in love with a woman, and you are a woman, that's fate. If you fall in love with a male, and are a woman...it's fate. Don't deny fate. You deny life.
I'm Bi. Why? Because I see no fucking difference. I am open to possibilities. I know I'm only 13, and I'll change my mind when I'm older and bla bla bla...But you know what? I think I have a good head on my shoulders, and I think I have enough mind at this age to understand myself, and to interpret my own thoughts.
The past week, though, I've felt that I'm starting to support just one 'team'. You guessed it, Cel is going...Lesbian. Scared? Maybe you should be. I find women attractive, and comforting. Men aren't exactly cruel, but they aren't exactly my type, I guess. We have things in common, because I like a lot of things that guys like. I guess, I've come to realize...I'm sort of a guy in a girls body.
Homosexuality is within my family. I grew up with a gay 'Uncle' and a gay Aunt. My 'Uncle', is not really an uncle, he is my brother's godfather. He had a lover, for the majority of my childhood, and they broke apart. My aunt, is my mother's twin. She was the one here for awhile. Odd, but I didn't get along well with her. I guess I was shy, but then, she didn't like US. Just because we weren't as peaceful as the rest of those goddamn hippies in Oregano...(Oregon.)
So women. I've had dreams about women, and admitting to a woman I love her...I find myself thinking about how hott one girl looks, more then this other one. I know what they want, they aren't hard to read. Men are confusing, to some point. They say they aren't high maintenance, but jeez...They are. Maybe I'm just too young to understand...
So there you have it. I'm admitting this. This is how it is, when you're bi. I guess you have days where you want to be with a guy, and then with a girl.
Oh. And this whole thing over bi's either loving sex, or just love...May be right in some. But in other's, it's just because it doesn't truly matter. Like I said. Girl girl? Guy guy? Girl guy? Fate.
Fate.
~
Update on me:
I basically summed up how I am in the les thing. I'm not feeling so close to guys, and you guessed it "That one guy." I like guys as friends, and I guess that's it. But as SE said, I can't let one guy ruin it for the rest. He's right, to some extent.
This week I have vaca. (Columbus day to Friday.) Yea...I'm bored. I need something to do, and I'll probably do my math homework tomorrow.
Last week, I was busy with school ITBS. (Iowa Test of Basic Skills) Of course, we did it in a break up of days. On one of those days, I spent two hours watching the K-2nd grade. (Three kids. K-1-2) I really love kids. And they love me, I guess. I pay attention to the younger ones, and I sit with them at the lunch table.
Those two hours were the best of the whole school year. My teacher told me I could hang with the little kids, and help out in the younger kids class. Their teacher, Ms. Lit (We shall use this abbreviation.) said I could watch the little kids while the 3rd took ITBS. Mr.Lig (My teacher) said that I could, and that'd he'd come get me when he wanted me back.
Of course, he didn't.
For those two hours, I felt odd. It's cool, to be admired, to be social.
Hard to believe, but we had to be quiet as meeces, so the kids could take their tests. The kids had already gotten to know me to some extent, and so they all kind of dragged me here and there. Then one had to go to the bathroom (We weren't suppose to go in)
We skittered through the class, and then moved back outside. We were asked to play chutes and ladders (Can't spell!!) but we didn't have enough pieces. (No dice, two dudes.) So then we played red-light-green-light. Heh. Funny kids.
When we got bored of this, it was to the sandbox. We dug a hole, and I played with the truck like a little kid. I took the sand and dumped it into another hole after they gave it to me. This was very teamwork-ish. Then came the swings.
I pushed the little one, and told him to watch, and repeat what the two other girls did. (They pumped.) He tried, but he couldn't do it right off. I had to alternate pushing them, but most of all, I pushed the little one. (Chris. Yea, I know their names.)
The little kindergartener is cute, but a little bit hard to understand. Sometimes, he's a bit of a brat, too. I had to tell him to sit on his butt as he went down the slide, and then to land on his feet. I also did quite the dramatic save when he wouldn't get off the slide, and one of the girls came down. One of the third graders at this time (They were taking a break) was like "You're a hero!" ...Stare stare stare.
Third graders went back in, and everyone was still going down the slide. They liked it when I tried ticklin em as the went down, so I continued with that. Then I had to grab em and twirl em once in awhile. Then they were playing make believe. I guess being a writer comes in handy, I had some cute names, and they enjoyed me playing along. I'm a little kid at heart, y'know.
After that, I just picked them up, and did ring-around-the-rosey. Then it was back to the swings. I pushed them, and pushed them, and my arms got tired!...It went from swings to slide from then on...No problems at all.
Then Ms. Lit came out. She took the kids back, and I went to Mr. Lig, and talked to him. He was doing math with Dani (Taylor left early, as did David) and Jon, John, and Tony were doing computer games. It was PE in the next instant, and I sorted papers for the majority of the period. Being outside for two hours makes yeh think...ya. I'll wait.
Then came Thurs. I met the two new girls, introduced myself, had lunch with them, and then did recess. We basically 'bonded'. They didn't really like the other girls (They thought they were snobby. Har. Funny, isn't it?)
Next day, same thing. They poked me a little (The two new girls.) And we sat and chilled outside and stuff. It's cool. I think I'm doing okey in school. It'll be alright.
I had an anxiety attack while back, don't know why...
I missed that special someone a bit, but I don't know why...
And I'm gonna go now. This has been a long entry...Seeyeh
Night,
Cel
Sometimes, the road of life can be full of potholes. God damn, do they appear a lot on my route. Sometimes, you can take a backroad, and when you do...You never know when your switching streets.
I guess, that's one way to explain how I feel. The transition from 12 to 13 was nothing. What's the difference of being a teen, and a preteen? I find myself asking this question over and over. 13 year olds around me seem to think they are bigger, smarter, and overall better then a preteen is. Everywhere, in real life, on TV, over a computer...It's a big deal to be a teen. Why don't I feel the difference? I feel just as powerless to helping the world around me, and just as small compared to everyone else, as I always have been.
I notice, that sometimes I look back at times, and think "...Well that was ignorant." Or, "Jeesh I was stupid." But I've done that all of my life, or at least for the past several years. My life seems to be dedicated to finding the faults in myself. Does this sound right?
There are two things I have been exploring this past while. Religion, and sexual orientation. I feel that these two things will mostly show who I am, or who I want to be. Figuring out where I am, in these subjects, will help me move on with life. Both are tough things to find yourself in. Although I wish to understand them in such a small amount of time, I know I won't be at peace in them for a long time.
Religion, seems to be a toughy. I realized that there is a period of time in your life, which you have no direction to go into. Either I've came to this period early, or everyone comes to it at a random time.
When you're young, if your parents are church goers, you have no choice but to go (Usually.) This goes on till you completely refuse, (Like I did.) your parents stop going, or until the church school years end. I guess I didn't stay in church school long enough, to learn more then "God is great." And all of that. Looking up bible texts, and listening to other's opinions doesn't exactly help you form your own. (Correcting me if I'm wrong here.)
So I stopped going. Year and a half, I believe, I haven't gone. My parents go, and of course, my dad is now a Student Minister. Ironic? Much. He was in school at the time I stopped going to church, but I didn't really care. Now, I am asked to go to church, and so I do. I'm supposed to be in choir, even though the leader makes me very very very anxious. (Makes meh feel like ill throw up. My voice will be off. )
I've hit the time where you wonder...Who is God? Why should you believe in him? What reason is there? Why not sin...? Sin is hard to control. Is not believing in God a way out of this work? I've wondered. And now that I'm in a Christian school, and more beliefs are pushed on me, I have nothing to do but to wonder a little more.
I came to the conclusion that I must look at the oldest dated bible I can find, and read it. I agree, a lot of today's religion is based on ritual, and tradition. Some of this tradition may be good, and some not. Only the bible can tell me this. But then, the thing is, how do I know that the bible was translated incorrectly? How do I know it wasn't fixed so that it went by tradition?
...It's hard. Something could of been read wrong. Someone could of understood it incorrectly. You never know. What if the bible is a fictional story? What if it's just a big story book.
I guess, this is enough rants about religion. All i know, is that I shall read the bible, and take what I need. I am too young to devote myself to God. I know this. I do not understand, and I know I won't...I think these are the years I shall look up to my father, and how decisive he is. It must be wonderful, to know where you stand. Does he have doubts? Who knows.
Now...Sexual orientation, was it? I guess this intertwines with religion. Homosexuals are the mark of Satan, it supposedly says. If anyone reads to here, or reads this at all, please tell me if I'm the mark of Satan.
Two years ago, I asked my Mom what was the difference between man and woman, really. All it is reproductive organs. What the hell is the big deal? I guess it's religion. Man was made to be with woman, not woman with woman, or man with man. I think it's total bull. Love is love. If you fall in love with a male, and your male, then that's fate. If you fall in love with a woman, and your a male, then that too, is fate. If you fall in love with a woman, and you are a woman, that's fate. If you fall in love with a male, and are a woman...it's fate. Don't deny fate. You deny life.
I'm Bi. Why? Because I see no fucking difference. I am open to possibilities. I know I'm only 13, and I'll change my mind when I'm older and bla bla bla...But you know what? I think I have a good head on my shoulders, and I think I have enough mind at this age to understand myself, and to interpret my own thoughts.
The past week, though, I've felt that I'm starting to support just one 'team'. You guessed it, Cel is going...Lesbian. Scared? Maybe you should be. I find women attractive, and comforting. Men aren't exactly cruel, but they aren't exactly my type, I guess. We have things in common, because I like a lot of things that guys like. I guess, I've come to realize...I'm sort of a guy in a girls body.
Homosexuality is within my family. I grew up with a gay 'Uncle' and a gay Aunt. My 'Uncle', is not really an uncle, he is my brother's godfather. He had a lover, for the majority of my childhood, and they broke apart. My aunt, is my mother's twin. She was the one here for awhile. Odd, but I didn't get along well with her. I guess I was shy, but then, she didn't like US. Just because we weren't as peaceful as the rest of those goddamn hippies in Oregano...(Oregon.)
So women. I've had dreams about women, and admitting to a woman I love her...I find myself thinking about how hott one girl looks, more then this other one. I know what they want, they aren't hard to read. Men are confusing, to some point. They say they aren't high maintenance, but jeez...They are. Maybe I'm just too young to understand...
So there you have it. I'm admitting this. This is how it is, when you're bi. I guess you have days where you want to be with a guy, and then with a girl.
Oh. And this whole thing over bi's either loving sex, or just love...May be right in some. But in other's, it's just because it doesn't truly matter. Like I said. Girl girl? Guy guy? Girl guy? Fate.
Fate.
~
Update on me:
I basically summed up how I am in the les thing. I'm not feeling so close to guys, and you guessed it "That one guy." I like guys as friends, and I guess that's it. But as SE said, I can't let one guy ruin it for the rest. He's right, to some extent.
This week I have vaca. (Columbus day to Friday.) Yea...I'm bored. I need something to do, and I'll probably do my math homework tomorrow.
Last week, I was busy with school ITBS. (Iowa Test of Basic Skills) Of course, we did it in a break up of days. On one of those days, I spent two hours watching the K-2nd grade. (Three kids. K-1-2) I really love kids. And they love me, I guess. I pay attention to the younger ones, and I sit with them at the lunch table.
Those two hours were the best of the whole school year. My teacher told me I could hang with the little kids, and help out in the younger kids class. Their teacher, Ms. Lit (We shall use this abbreviation.) said I could watch the little kids while the 3rd took ITBS. Mr.Lig (My teacher) said that I could, and that'd he'd come get me when he wanted me back.
Of course, he didn't.
For those two hours, I felt odd. It's cool, to be admired, to be social.
Hard to believe, but we had to be quiet as meeces, so the kids could take their tests. The kids had already gotten to know me to some extent, and so they all kind of dragged me here and there. Then one had to go to the bathroom (We weren't suppose to go in)
We skittered through the class, and then moved back outside. We were asked to play chutes and ladders (Can't spell!!) but we didn't have enough pieces. (No dice, two dudes.) So then we played red-light-green-light. Heh. Funny kids.
When we got bored of this, it was to the sandbox. We dug a hole, and I played with the truck like a little kid. I took the sand and dumped it into another hole after they gave it to me. This was very teamwork-ish. Then came the swings.
I pushed the little one, and told him to watch, and repeat what the two other girls did. (They pumped.) He tried, but he couldn't do it right off. I had to alternate pushing them, but most of all, I pushed the little one. (Chris. Yea, I know their names.)
The little kindergartener is cute, but a little bit hard to understand. Sometimes, he's a bit of a brat, too. I had to tell him to sit on his butt as he went down the slide, and then to land on his feet. I also did quite the dramatic save when he wouldn't get off the slide, and one of the girls came down. One of the third graders at this time (They were taking a break) was like "You're a hero!" ...Stare stare stare.
Third graders went back in, and everyone was still going down the slide. They liked it when I tried ticklin em as the went down, so I continued with that. Then I had to grab em and twirl em once in awhile. Then they were playing make believe. I guess being a writer comes in handy, I had some cute names, and they enjoyed me playing along. I'm a little kid at heart, y'know.
After that, I just picked them up, and did ring-around-the-rosey. Then it was back to the swings. I pushed them, and pushed them, and my arms got tired!...It went from swings to slide from then on...No problems at all.
Then Ms. Lit came out. She took the kids back, and I went to Mr. Lig, and talked to him. He was doing math with Dani (Taylor left early, as did David) and Jon, John, and Tony were doing computer games. It was PE in the next instant, and I sorted papers for the majority of the period. Being outside for two hours makes yeh think...ya. I'll wait.
Then came Thurs. I met the two new girls, introduced myself, had lunch with them, and then did recess. We basically 'bonded'. They didn't really like the other girls (They thought they were snobby. Har. Funny, isn't it?)
Next day, same thing. They poked me a little (The two new girls.) And we sat and chilled outside and stuff. It's cool. I think I'm doing okey in school. It'll be alright.
I had an anxiety attack while back, don't know why...
I missed that special someone a bit, but I don't know why...
And I'm gonna go now. This has been a long entry...Seeyeh
Night,
Cel