Fuck
So...It seems i have fallen off the face of the earth....finally got out of the rehab program....I was doin real good...i was going to NA meetings stayin clean...stayin away from people, places, and things....but i dunno what happened man...Stopped going to NA meetings...and shits just gone down the drain....im going through the hardest time of my life right now...and im so fucking clueless...Ive been doing anything i can get my hands on...Ive been flirting with heroin again about 4 bags a day...and moneys going quick without a job...i have to resort to pawning things until i get my hands on a job... Ive just been real depressed lately....My fience and I were both stayin clean and me and him were amazing...and fucking then I started to slip with drinking and he started to slip with heroin i guess...I dunno he'd lie to me so i dont really know the deal....and then on tuesday...he fucking went missing...me and his family had no idea where the fuck he was or if he was alive...me and his mom went looking for him...Id go looking for him all the time...4 days passed and no word from him or anything....so i did what i do best...got fucked up each night on heroin, coke, pills, and bud...just dont care anymore i dunno....He was found about 2 days ago....he broke into his grandparents house and stole credit cards and was using them....so at the moment hes in jail...and i had to spend new years without him....Im so fucking hurt from his lies and what he does...I cheated on him for the first time ever....I never thought i would....but im so fucking hurt i dunno im not thinking clearly...and to be honest i want to hurt him like hes hurt me...and thats impossible....but its a poor attempt....and i fucking know what i did is so wrong and so fucked up but I dont know whats happening to me and him...but i know we can make it through anything...and i hope he fucking stops with these hard drugs cuz i have more control than he does and when he quits as will i...I want him to worry over me...like i have for the past 11 months....i love him so much and i cant ditch him like everyone has in this world....i know he can change....this isnt shaun...this is the fucking drugs taking over his body....I knew the shaun before all of this...and i know hes still alive