(no subject)
how do you know when to stop? i sure as hell don't. i guess i push people and push people until they finally break. that's my problem. i don't help situations out, i only make them worse. no matter how hard i try to make him happy or show him i love him, it's always too much or not enough or i'm just pushing his buttons. it hurts me that i do this. hurts me that i can't stop this or don't know how to.
as i have said before, maybe i do ask him to talk to me too much. but i never feel like i'm getting talked to enough. when he's in waco, i never a lot of time to talk to him unless it's late at night. only way that we talk is by me communicating with him, or at least that's what it seems like. i don't think i ask for much. i just want to know that he's thinking about me when he's with his friends. i want to feel from 200 miles away that he loves me, more than just words. i want to feel it.
maybe i do ask too much from him. maybe i expect too much from him. if i didn't expect so much, maybe i would never really be disappointed. but in my eyes he's perfect. everything about him. despite all the stuff we go through, or the things i don't like that he does, to me, he is what i want. it scares me that i already think about marriage, especially with him. i just remember 9th grade thinking how awesome it'd be if i could say i married my high school sweetheart. now i don't know so much anymore.
i just wish ben knew that i do things because i love him with all of my heart. maybe he does know that, but he thinks the worst of me for the things i do. like he thinks i have a texting and calling problem. maybe that's true, but i know that when i miss him most, yes i call or text. and maybe that's not healthy. it's just hard for me to wait around all day to wait for him to call me or text me. just to me, it feels like i'm not good enough that he can't make a few seconds to send me a text or ten minutes just to call me. i understand, he's with his friends, but is this how it's going to be when he lives with josh? is our relationship going to be based on texting because that's more convienent for him? i don't think i could handle that. i want to hear his voice. and i won't be able to drive down on the weekends anymore because of my job so communication is going to be important while we're together.
i don't want to intefere with his school. i don't want to intefere with a job he might get. i don't want to intefere with time spent with friends. i just wish that he'd show me he cares. that even though he's spending time with his friends, he's thinking of me. maybe i'll just stop texting him and calling him all together and see how that works out. but i don't think he'd really care. maybe i'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but how it's been the past 2 months, i just think he'd be okay with not talking to me for a few days. and that's not how a relationship should be.
as i have said before, maybe i do ask him to talk to me too much. but i never feel like i'm getting talked to enough. when he's in waco, i never a lot of time to talk to him unless it's late at night. only way that we talk is by me communicating with him, or at least that's what it seems like. i don't think i ask for much. i just want to know that he's thinking about me when he's with his friends. i want to feel from 200 miles away that he loves me, more than just words. i want to feel it.
maybe i do ask too much from him. maybe i expect too much from him. if i didn't expect so much, maybe i would never really be disappointed. but in my eyes he's perfect. everything about him. despite all the stuff we go through, or the things i don't like that he does, to me, he is what i want. it scares me that i already think about marriage, especially with him. i just remember 9th grade thinking how awesome it'd be if i could say i married my high school sweetheart. now i don't know so much anymore.
i just wish ben knew that i do things because i love him with all of my heart. maybe he does know that, but he thinks the worst of me for the things i do. like he thinks i have a texting and calling problem. maybe that's true, but i know that when i miss him most, yes i call or text. and maybe that's not healthy. it's just hard for me to wait around all day to wait for him to call me or text me. just to me, it feels like i'm not good enough that he can't make a few seconds to send me a text or ten minutes just to call me. i understand, he's with his friends, but is this how it's going to be when he lives with josh? is our relationship going to be based on texting because that's more convienent for him? i don't think i could handle that. i want to hear his voice. and i won't be able to drive down on the weekends anymore because of my job so communication is going to be important while we're together.
i don't want to intefere with his school. i don't want to intefere with a job he might get. i don't want to intefere with time spent with friends. i just wish that he'd show me he cares. that even though he's spending time with his friends, he's thinking of me. maybe i'll just stop texting him and calling him all together and see how that works out. but i don't think he'd really care. maybe i'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but how it's been the past 2 months, i just think he'd be okay with not talking to me for a few days. and that's not how a relationship should be.