(no subject)

[shp00p]

I just wrote the longest fucking thing ever. And then letter by letter I pressed backspace til it was gone. I keep telling myself that I don't care what people think, but I really do. Everything I do is to make someone else happen, but never me. I never say what I wanna say. I never do what I wanna do. It sucks. And on the off chance I do actually do something I obsess about it over and over.. some stupid shit from 2nd grade.. I'll keep thinking about it and feel like shit for hours. It's pretty much the reason why I don't have a job now.. the thought of calling some place makes me sick. I had to call Cingular and some school the other day; my heart was racing.. I got so hot.. my face was as red as humanly possible and I was shaking. And on that note.. I got into a school.. yeah I actually got in somewhere.. huge shock I'm sure. In Las Vegas. I've been saying for so long about how much I wanna get out of here and go as far away as possible and now that its come down to it; I'm terrifed. Yeah.. and now that I think about it I feel like I'm gonna puke and I'm shaking. Oy. The only time I'm ever the real me and comfortable is when I'm drunk. But then usually I end up obsessed over the things that I did while I was drunk. Theres 2 people I wanna talk to so bad; but I can't even bring myself to im them. Let's see. What else..

Oh yeah.. supposedly I have to have surgery on my knee. Sexy.

p.s. i'm tired of putting on this happy matt front so say stupid shit and i will hurt you. =)