inability to love
someone was able to give you all the love and affection they had and i was unable to give mine in return. i know that it is bad it ruined everything we had. a boy gave me his heart for the first time in my life and i was unable to give him mine in return. but why is the question that ponders me... is it due to the fact that the only person who i know loved me with every single bone in his body is now gone? is it the fact that i have a huge void that i'm sure will never be filled? or is it simply the fact that i am unable to open up to anyone? i've never been so close with someone in my life as i was with my dad. until rainer came along. we were honest. bestfriends for life then feelings arose relationship bloomed and i picked every petal off of it as if it was a flower then left him on the ground with nothing. the boy who loved me more than life itsself is now crushed by the fact i have insecurities that are too great to ever let anyone in. i love him and smothered my face with my pillow when he told me we would never be friends. i ruined his whole idea of love. i was there for him and now i am gone. i am nothing. and i feel insigificant in the world. this all goes back to the fact that no matter how honest i was with him i never allowed myself to be loved by him. i knew he loved me and that i loved him but the fact that i cant handle being loved and left like i was almost 2 years ago is a problem. and i dont know if i will ever be able to overcome the fear that is in me. i know that everyone makes mistakes. but i think i'll be making this mistake for a long time.