40-Day Global Sadhana: Burn Inner Anger/Guru Ram Das - On Mature Reflection
I survived the 40-day global sadhana. By the end of the 40 days, I had not transformed all my inner anger into peace, or even just rooted it out and got rid. I had, though, got right down the core. The ugly, twisted, hard little bullet resting in my belly. The pus had been drained off, you might say - or, at least, most of it. The bullet, though, is still there.
And I wouldn't have Seen it if I hadn't done the sadhana.
It doesn't speak up quite so often, but when it does, its voice is clearer. It's an angry, punitive, aggressive little thing that nourishes itself on my fear and self-doubt. And now there's very little for it to feed on.
The clearer I See it, the more it tries to generate food for survival, which shows it's desperate.
However, because I can See it, the less able it is to generate the really big stuff, and the more it relies on Derailment, taking advantage of The Resistance's highly effective system for protecting me from The Scary.
During the last few days of sadhana, I attended a Kundalini Yoga workshop specifically built around empowerment through exercises supporting the navel chakra, the seat of the sense of self. Lots of "lower triangle" work through asanas (postures) and pranayama (breath work) and meditation. This helped enormously, and pretty much finished off that part of the process for me.
There then followed a period of really feeling like wallowing in the pause.
This didn't mean the process was over, just that this phase of it felt really, really done. Like I've just had a 3-week savasana to let it all sink in.
Lessons?
Daily recitation of the Japji Sahib
The Japji Sahib is 38 brief hymns (pauris) bookended by the Mul Mantra (the "root mantra" and the core statement of Sikh theology) and a Salok (final verse of a set of sacred verses). It was composed by the founder of Sikhism, Guru Nanak Dev, in the 16th century, and is considered to be a "Universal song of God" - a statement of the eternal Divine which is complex enough to allow people of all faiths to read their own interpretation of it.
Devout Sikhs should recite it daily in the "ambrosial hours" (before 6am).
I shall do it in the mornings after T has gone to work. I have a sleep schedule to work around.
And there are various translations, some of which make it sound like a traditionally western monotheist statement, others of which immediately confirm my bias towards the concept of the Living Cosmos of which we are all vital component parts. As I understand it, the Divine is recognised as both within and without the individual, so that the Japji Sahib addresses the Divine in its many manifestations, from the impersonal to the indwelling spirit of the reader.
Did I mention it's essentially 40 verses long? In 16th century Punjabi.
It should take a relatively competent reciter 22 minutes to complete.
I have never tried speaking this language before. It will take me far longer than 22 minutes a day.
So why am I doing it?
I want to:
It begins on May 8th and runs until June 10th.
* To be fair, however, I have been doing 3 stream of consciousness pages of writing every morning and a gratitude list every night since the end of February, so there is the beginning of a self-created Daily Practice.
And I wouldn't have Seen it if I hadn't done the sadhana.
It doesn't speak up quite so often, but when it does, its voice is clearer. It's an angry, punitive, aggressive little thing that nourishes itself on my fear and self-doubt. And now there's very little for it to feed on.
The clearer I See it, the more it tries to generate food for survival, which shows it's desperate.
However, because I can See it, the less able it is to generate the really big stuff, and the more it relies on Derailment, taking advantage of The Resistance's highly effective system for protecting me from The Scary.
During the last few days of sadhana, I attended a Kundalini Yoga workshop specifically built around empowerment through exercises supporting the navel chakra, the seat of the sense of self. Lots of "lower triangle" work through asanas (postures) and pranayama (breath work) and meditation. This helped enormously, and pretty much finished off that part of the process for me.
There then followed a period of really feeling like wallowing in the pause.
This didn't mean the process was over, just that this phase of it felt really, really done. Like I've just had a 3-week savasana to let it all sink in.
Lessons?
- That I can get through something that initially seemed Too Damn Hard
- That I can get through something that made me want to give up half way through because it was really, honestly just Too Damn Hard
- That being able to see the bullet doesn't mean you need to take it out straight away
- That The Resistance needs more support in decommissioning - I need to provide support and not just say, "That's over now" and walk away
- That change is an ongoing process, and it's better done when process-oriented than goal-oriented
- That I must be stronger and "better" than I imagine myself to be for that bullet to have been fired in the first place - you shoot at those you fear, not those who pose no threat
- That I'd been carrying more rage than I'd dared acknowledge before
- That the rage had been feeding the bullet, and only serving to deplete me
- That the creativity work I'd been doing with The Artist's Way and Drawing On The Right Side of the Brain is vital - I know this because I managed to Derail myself on week 2 and not get back to it, so it's clearly important
- That I'm on the right track
Daily recitation of the Japji Sahib
The Japji Sahib is 38 brief hymns (pauris) bookended by the Mul Mantra (the "root mantra" and the core statement of Sikh theology) and a Salok (final verse of a set of sacred verses). It was composed by the founder of Sikhism, Guru Nanak Dev, in the 16th century, and is considered to be a "Universal song of God" - a statement of the eternal Divine which is complex enough to allow people of all faiths to read their own interpretation of it.
Devout Sikhs should recite it daily in the "ambrosial hours" (before 6am).
I shall do it in the mornings after T has gone to work. I have a sleep schedule to work around.
And there are various translations, some of which make it sound like a traditionally western monotheist statement, others of which immediately confirm my bias towards the concept of the Living Cosmos of which we are all vital component parts. As I understand it, the Divine is recognised as both within and without the individual, so that the Japji Sahib addresses the Divine in its many manifestations, from the impersonal to the indwelling spirit of the reader.
Did I mention it's essentially 40 verses long? In 16th century Punjabi.
It should take a relatively competent reciter 22 minutes to complete.
I have never tried speaking this language before. It will take me far longer than 22 minutes a day.
So why am I doing it?
I want to:
- Expand my Comfort Zone - forget stepping out of my Comfort Zone, I want to just keep making mine bigger and bigger so I'm eventually confident pretty much anywhere
- Derail the Derailments - this is another way of disrupting the old patterns of I Can't Do It!
- Have a supported Daily Practice - because I'm clearly not yet at the point where I'm able to plan out my own*
- Find out what happens - yes, I'm doing it out of sheer curiosity (will new Stuff emerge? will old Stuff get dealt with? will I wrestle with the translations of the bani and come to a deeper understanding of what I do believe? will the claims of specific pressure points being hit in the mouth, causing healing, be borne out? I do not know. Yet.)
It begins on May 8th and runs until June 10th.
* To be fair, however, I have been doing 3 stream of consciousness pages of writing every morning and a gratitude list every night since the end of February, so there is the beginning of a self-created Daily Practice.