(no subject)
i like things controlled and logical and rational and not dictated by emotions. when emotion becomes one's validity, things become very gray. the Word of God is my validity and my foundation. i've become very good at pausing, thinking, then continuing with a logical reaction. i'm calm.
but i forget what it's like to just feel. i'm on autopilot, allowing emotions to penetrate only when i consciously say, "okay, you can feel that now." but i don't ever have hours just lying around in a day to do that.
not that i don't feel. things make me sad, things make me happy. i laugh, and occasionally i cry, and i get pissed a whole lot, although i try not to.
but i'm talking about the kind of feelings that make your chest ache.
i keep coming back to music. i don't feel it anymore like i used to. and if i hadn't had that in the past, i wouldn't know any different. but i do, and i miss it.
this isn't of extreme urgency, nor does it bother me so greatly that i don't know what to do. i'm healthy and i'm happy and i'm in a good place. and wow, it feels great to say that and know it as truth. ... but sometimes i ache for the aching. does that make sense?
i am different now. because of Jesus.
nothing seems worth writing about except for Him. and nothing seems worth listening to except music that glorifies Him. "for i count it all as loss."
i guess that's maybe why i don't really write in here anymore.
(which i can totally tell i haven't written in here in forever because i've lost my flow. this is all choppy and structured badly. oh well!)
but i forget what it's like to just feel. i'm on autopilot, allowing emotions to penetrate only when i consciously say, "okay, you can feel that now." but i don't ever have hours just lying around in a day to do that.
not that i don't feel. things make me sad, things make me happy. i laugh, and occasionally i cry, and i get pissed a whole lot, although i try not to.
but i'm talking about the kind of feelings that make your chest ache.
i keep coming back to music. i don't feel it anymore like i used to. and if i hadn't had that in the past, i wouldn't know any different. but i do, and i miss it.
this isn't of extreme urgency, nor does it bother me so greatly that i don't know what to do. i'm healthy and i'm happy and i'm in a good place. and wow, it feels great to say that and know it as truth. ... but sometimes i ache for the aching. does that make sense?
i am different now. because of Jesus.
nothing seems worth writing about except for Him. and nothing seems worth listening to except music that glorifies Him. "for i count it all as loss."
i guess that's maybe why i don't really write in here anymore.
(which i can totally tell i haven't written in here in forever because i've lost my flow. this is all choppy and structured badly. oh well!)