(no subject)
The progression of life is still somehow progressing steadily, to my surprise. I never stopped completely talking to him, which is what I was supposed have done months ago. But I have made significant steps to detach myself. After yet again being dissappointed by people i create expecations for, I decided to stand up for myself. I'm tired of feeling useless because of my own decisions. I've never been so straightforward and honest. I said, "seriously its just not contructive to my well-being. I'm trying to get obn and I was and I am, but then you call me. I'm happy for you, I just want you happy but can't deal with your inability to do what you tell me? I dont know. Sorry for whatever I did. No more calling me late though, I cant say no but I really dont want you in my life right now." Would you ever imagine those words coming out of emma's mouth? I'm shocked at myself. I dont know where I stand. Hopefully second semester I'll be up at northern cal, getting the fuck out of la and this world that has controlled me entirely. I need me back, I really miss having ambitions and everything that made me such a good person. I need to keep going out and making an effort to explore. I'm grateful for all I do have though, like waking up to eating numerous bowls of reeses pieces cereal and laying around watching tivo'ed episodes of weeds and imagining my life in five years once I've accomplished what I want to.