could this be it?
so i tend to say to people, "i don't have a memory." it has been labeled as a cop-out by many. i'm attempting to figure out exactly what is wrong with it. i
get worried that i was traumatized by something sexual when i was younger. anyone who knows me well is aware that i went through this in the past year but i don't think i would have allowed it to happen had it not seemed so familiar. it would explain a lot of things about me based on different psych books i've checked out. posttraumatic stress disorder (ptsd) might be present through some sort of psychogenic amnesia. also, i tend to think that there's something wrong with me which is why i deserve to be treated poorly. this is called characterological self blame and can occur post assault. wikipedia pretty much lays it out:
"Characterological self blame is the more serious barrier to healing because feeling shame, which is a stigma within the self, produces more negative psychological effects than feeling guilt due to previous actions. It is easier to change one’s actions than to change one’s nature. Furthermore, while guilt promotes the resolution to change behavior, shame promotes withdrawal, which frequently prevents the victim from seeking help and reporting the crime. Tangney, considered to be a leading researcher on shame, lists five ways in which shame can be destructive: lack of motivation to seek care, lack of empathy, disconnection from other people, anger, and aggression...In addition, shame is often connected to psychological problems including eating disorders, substance abuse, anxiety, and depression, as well as problematic moral behavior. In one study taking place over several years, shame-prone children were more likely to engage in substance abuse, earlier sexual activity, less-safe sexual activity, and negative involvement with the criminal justice system.
Sexual assault of children can lead to the following: life-long depression, self injury, sefl-mutilation, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which often leads to a reduced corpus callosum), flashbacks, psychotic breaks with reality, alcoholism, substance abuse, promiscuity, celibacy, prostitution, an inability to form intimate relationships, self-hate, guilt, anger (which is often directed inwards as well as outwards), emotional hypersensitivity, defensiveness, a lifelong inability to trust others, emotional numbness, an attraction to partners who are dominant and/or abusive, and general mental deterioration including loss of IQ. Survivors of childhood sexual assault face continuing problems into adulthood. Adult survivors often feel a constant need to be in control, which can possibly lead to their becoming abusers as well; a significant percentage of criminals convicted of child abuse were themselves victims of child abuse. In addition, adults previously assaulted as children are twice as likely to be assaulted as adults. Adult survivors have a tendency to become involved in toxic, co-dependent relationships, putting them at great risk of further victimization due to their conscious or subconscious desire to reenact the original abusive situation in order to overcome it."
It's a scary thing to think about but it really would explain a lot.
get worried that i was traumatized by something sexual when i was younger. anyone who knows me well is aware that i went through this in the past year but i don't think i would have allowed it to happen had it not seemed so familiar. it would explain a lot of things about me based on different psych books i've checked out. posttraumatic stress disorder (ptsd) might be present through some sort of psychogenic amnesia. also, i tend to think that there's something wrong with me which is why i deserve to be treated poorly. this is called characterological self blame and can occur post assault. wikipedia pretty much lays it out:
"Characterological self blame is the more serious barrier to healing because feeling shame, which is a stigma within the self, produces more negative psychological effects than feeling guilt due to previous actions. It is easier to change one’s actions than to change one’s nature. Furthermore, while guilt promotes the resolution to change behavior, shame promotes withdrawal, which frequently prevents the victim from seeking help and reporting the crime. Tangney, considered to be a leading researcher on shame, lists five ways in which shame can be destructive: lack of motivation to seek care, lack of empathy, disconnection from other people, anger, and aggression...In addition, shame is often connected to psychological problems including eating disorders, substance abuse, anxiety, and depression, as well as problematic moral behavior. In one study taking place over several years, shame-prone children were more likely to engage in substance abuse, earlier sexual activity, less-safe sexual activity, and negative involvement with the criminal justice system.
Sexual assault of children can lead to the following: life-long depression, self injury, sefl-mutilation, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which often leads to a reduced corpus callosum), flashbacks, psychotic breaks with reality, alcoholism, substance abuse, promiscuity, celibacy, prostitution, an inability to form intimate relationships, self-hate, guilt, anger (which is often directed inwards as well as outwards), emotional hypersensitivity, defensiveness, a lifelong inability to trust others, emotional numbness, an attraction to partners who are dominant and/or abusive, and general mental deterioration including loss of IQ. Survivors of childhood sexual assault face continuing problems into adulthood. Adult survivors often feel a constant need to be in control, which can possibly lead to their becoming abusers as well; a significant percentage of criminals convicted of child abuse were themselves victims of child abuse. In addition, adults previously assaulted as children are twice as likely to be assaulted as adults. Adult survivors have a tendency to become involved in toxic, co-dependent relationships, putting them at great risk of further victimization due to their conscious or subconscious desire to reenact the original abusive situation in order to overcome it."
It's a scary thing to think about but it really would explain a lot.