2007: a reflection.
2007 has been the most emotional year for me.
2007 really made me aware that my parents are divorced. Its been over a year, but it didn't really hit me until a year afterwards. This Christmas I especially noticed it when for the first time in my life, I wasn't with all of my family on Christmas. I was over other people's houses,strangers, people I had barely known. I hated that. There was also other divorces happening around me that makes me question love in general. I think now its something fantastical that humans make up and have a yearning to achieve it. Just going to show that truely "nothing lasts forever." With that being said, I miss the one real love I could say I've had thus far. The one person who really showed me, in more than words, but showed it with actions. I took that entirely for granted. Sure, I've had other boyfriends, but neither of them had expressed their love to me in more than words only. You beleive all that bullshit, and think its love, only cause they're saying it. One of them really screwed me up emotionally, I wont forget what happened, but it's time I stop blaming that situation. Its hard though. No matter how hard i've tried, I just remember how badly I felt, and how it was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. Since then, I won't allow myself to ever feel that way again. Actually, I don't know how to feel that way again, I've tried just letting go, and trusting again, Although I trusted again, and let myself go, My body wont let me feel that way again. Which I dont know will be good in the long run. This year was definetely the "actions speak louder than words" lesson. 2007 was a year where my actions were bullshit and I was mean to people. I am realizing I am hating the person I was slowly becoming. The kind of person I look at and say, I never want to be like them. In 2008 I need to do what is best for me. I need to think with my brain. And learn the "if it's ment to be, it's ment to be" lesson. I need to become a little more independant, because I think I have serious abandoment issues. It is very hard to deal with people coming in and out of my life. Being in theatre, you'd think I'd be used to it. I've been in so many shows where I see people for months at a time, and as soon as the show is over, they're gone. I've had people who I thought would be really close friends, just go. Some of them still live near me, and yet, I never hear from them. When I felt things were slipping, I tried calling, I left messages, and I got very little response back. I really felt abandoned in that sense. I've learned who my true friends are this year though. I've decided at this point its not even worth it to try and be friends with people who only seem to want to be nothing more than aquaintances. I need to be with the people I know care and respect me. I think this is the year to focus on me. I've encountered alot of distractions towards my goals. I am letting too many outside emotions affect me. I had this great ability in 2007 to make shitty decisions. I miss Matt B. alot. But, my actions are the reasons why he isnt here. I don't have anyone to blame but myself for that whole situation. Make mistakes and learn from them is all I can do. Thats what being 20 something is, to figure yourself out.
My resolution in 2008 is to make better choices. And keep telling myself, what is ment to be, will happen. Here's to a clean slate.
2007 really made me aware that my parents are divorced. Its been over a year, but it didn't really hit me until a year afterwards. This Christmas I especially noticed it when for the first time in my life, I wasn't with all of my family on Christmas. I was over other people's houses,strangers, people I had barely known. I hated that. There was also other divorces happening around me that makes me question love in general. I think now its something fantastical that humans make up and have a yearning to achieve it. Just going to show that truely "nothing lasts forever." With that being said, I miss the one real love I could say I've had thus far. The one person who really showed me, in more than words, but showed it with actions. I took that entirely for granted. Sure, I've had other boyfriends, but neither of them had expressed their love to me in more than words only. You beleive all that bullshit, and think its love, only cause they're saying it. One of them really screwed me up emotionally, I wont forget what happened, but it's time I stop blaming that situation. Its hard though. No matter how hard i've tried, I just remember how badly I felt, and how it was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. Since then, I won't allow myself to ever feel that way again. Actually, I don't know how to feel that way again, I've tried just letting go, and trusting again, Although I trusted again, and let myself go, My body wont let me feel that way again. Which I dont know will be good in the long run. This year was definetely the "actions speak louder than words" lesson. 2007 was a year where my actions were bullshit and I was mean to people. I am realizing I am hating the person I was slowly becoming. The kind of person I look at and say, I never want to be like them. In 2008 I need to do what is best for me. I need to think with my brain. And learn the "if it's ment to be, it's ment to be" lesson. I need to become a little more independant, because I think I have serious abandoment issues. It is very hard to deal with people coming in and out of my life. Being in theatre, you'd think I'd be used to it. I've been in so many shows where I see people for months at a time, and as soon as the show is over, they're gone. I've had people who I thought would be really close friends, just go. Some of them still live near me, and yet, I never hear from them. When I felt things were slipping, I tried calling, I left messages, and I got very little response back. I really felt abandoned in that sense. I've learned who my true friends are this year though. I've decided at this point its not even worth it to try and be friends with people who only seem to want to be nothing more than aquaintances. I need to be with the people I know care and respect me. I think this is the year to focus on me. I've encountered alot of distractions towards my goals. I am letting too many outside emotions affect me. I had this great ability in 2007 to make shitty decisions. I miss Matt B. alot. But, my actions are the reasons why he isnt here. I don't have anyone to blame but myself for that whole situation. Make mistakes and learn from them is all I can do. Thats what being 20 something is, to figure yourself out.
My resolution in 2008 is to make better choices. And keep telling myself, what is ment to be, will happen. Here's to a clean slate.