"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end"
As I reflect back on where I was a year ago around this time, I realize that I've become a lot happier. Although being at RIC isn't really where I want to be. I'm alot happier there than being at Cumberland High School. I auditioned for Little Shop of Horrors, and they offered me the role as an Understudy to Seymour and to be in the ensemble. I turned it down. I dont even think I would bother to learn the role as an understudy cause to me it would've been a "why bother" type deal, cause I wasnt going to perform anytime... and in the ensemble there's really only two numbers to even sing in. I just thought it wasn't worth it. So i've decided to work on what I need the most training in and thats dance.
I am taking Ballet this semester, and I'm going to join a dance class outside of school at Steps Off Broadway. I also think Dee and I are going to take Ballroom dance classes once a week. I am going to prepare myself to re-audition to some schools. I worked on monologues last year in school (something I've never done before) so I have some more material to choose from and not be so nervous about not performing them. I'm going to re-audition for Wagner as well as apply to about 4 schools in the Unified Arts College Audition that will be around in February.
This summer although went by so fast was mainly filled with positive things. I love being with Kaleidoscope, even though its only children's theatre...I do like performing. And hadn't have been for K-scope, I wouldn't have got to know Joe. I know I shouldn't be comparing but, I feel like I'm treated so well by him and didn't realize how shitty I was treated by Chris until now. Its nice that I got to know him before dating him, where as Chris we just went out on a few dates and then started going out, so I really didn't get a chance to actually know him. Everything between us definetly started off slow, which is good. When we're around each other I just feel like we both can be ourselves. He doesn't get upset at me for singing in the car, in fact he joins in!
I was SO attached to Chris it took me a very long time to let him go. So now, this being my second relationship, I want to make sure everything is right and I feel like I've learned from mistakes made in the past. I dont want to become so attached to Joe, but its really hard not to. I am completely fascinated by him. Lately with each and every new thing I learn about him, I like him even more. Sometimes I think I'm doing too much for him, sometimes too little, its hard for me to balance. I tell myself I'm just not going to try and let things happen for themselves, and I do, and then I start to think okay things are cool now, and then eventually think I'm not doing enough. I get afraid sometimes, and dont understand why he chose me...It's not as bad now but, I've always just had real low self esteem issues, but never really let people know about it. Once in a while it still surfaces. I'm afraid that because he's "bi", one day he's just not going to be into me anymore and all of a sudden have a girlfriend. lol. I get all these thoughts that run through my head...When I told my mom about him, she seemed to kind of disapprove. She didn't say it out loud...but she was concearned that he's too young. I'm sure once he's around more, she'll be fine. She's never disapporoved of any of my friends before. Another thing I'm kinda afraid of is his family. Because he is young, I dont know how well received I'd be to them. I just get the feeling they wouldn't like the idea of it too much. I love the fact that Joe is such a family guy, that eventually I'd want to meet his family too. I just don't want to be afraid.
I still kind of have a homophobia thing when I'm out in public. I just feel like everyones watching me. I know I shouldn't care. But, its not that easy. Its gets really bad sometimes (again my brain starts running stories in my head) I feel like some man is going to shoot me with a gun in the back of my head for being gay. I think about all the hate crimes that get commited and gah...I get so worried.
SO the start of this school year should be right. I want to stay on the Dean's list. So I'm keeping up with my grades. I am going to better myself as a performer mentally and physically and prepare for succuss and auditions. I need 100% concentration on the goals I've set for myself. This is the year it happens, I somehow can feel it.
Will see what happens by the end of the semester in Decemeber.
-Eric
I am taking Ballet this semester, and I'm going to join a dance class outside of school at Steps Off Broadway. I also think Dee and I are going to take Ballroom dance classes once a week. I am going to prepare myself to re-audition to some schools. I worked on monologues last year in school (something I've never done before) so I have some more material to choose from and not be so nervous about not performing them. I'm going to re-audition for Wagner as well as apply to about 4 schools in the Unified Arts College Audition that will be around in February.
This summer although went by so fast was mainly filled with positive things. I love being with Kaleidoscope, even though its only children's theatre...I do like performing. And hadn't have been for K-scope, I wouldn't have got to know Joe. I know I shouldn't be comparing but, I feel like I'm treated so well by him and didn't realize how shitty I was treated by Chris until now. Its nice that I got to know him before dating him, where as Chris we just went out on a few dates and then started going out, so I really didn't get a chance to actually know him. Everything between us definetly started off slow, which is good. When we're around each other I just feel like we both can be ourselves. He doesn't get upset at me for singing in the car, in fact he joins in!
I was SO attached to Chris it took me a very long time to let him go. So now, this being my second relationship, I want to make sure everything is right and I feel like I've learned from mistakes made in the past. I dont want to become so attached to Joe, but its really hard not to. I am completely fascinated by him. Lately with each and every new thing I learn about him, I like him even more. Sometimes I think I'm doing too much for him, sometimes too little, its hard for me to balance. I tell myself I'm just not going to try and let things happen for themselves, and I do, and then I start to think okay things are cool now, and then eventually think I'm not doing enough. I get afraid sometimes, and dont understand why he chose me...It's not as bad now but, I've always just had real low self esteem issues, but never really let people know about it. Once in a while it still surfaces. I'm afraid that because he's "bi", one day he's just not going to be into me anymore and all of a sudden have a girlfriend. lol. I get all these thoughts that run through my head...When I told my mom about him, she seemed to kind of disapprove. She didn't say it out loud...but she was concearned that he's too young. I'm sure once he's around more, she'll be fine. She's never disapporoved of any of my friends before. Another thing I'm kinda afraid of is his family. Because he is young, I dont know how well received I'd be to them. I just get the feeling they wouldn't like the idea of it too much. I love the fact that Joe is such a family guy, that eventually I'd want to meet his family too. I just don't want to be afraid.
I still kind of have a homophobia thing when I'm out in public. I just feel like everyones watching me. I know I shouldn't care. But, its not that easy. Its gets really bad sometimes (again my brain starts running stories in my head) I feel like some man is going to shoot me with a gun in the back of my head for being gay. I think about all the hate crimes that get commited and gah...I get so worried.
SO the start of this school year should be right. I want to stay on the Dean's list. So I'm keeping up with my grades. I am going to better myself as a performer mentally and physically and prepare for succuss and auditions. I need 100% concentration on the goals I've set for myself. This is the year it happens, I somehow can feel it.
Will see what happens by the end of the semester in Decemeber.
-Eric