So This Is Love [1/2]
Title: So This Is Love (Part One)
Rating: R ; Shounen ai desu!
Pairing: OkaYuki (Masayuki Sakamoto x Okada Junichi)
Disclaimer: !!!! Books mentioned in this fic are not real to my knowledge and SRSLY I'm not even gonna begin to think about talking about owning Junichi or his lover boy Masayuki. OMG BUT IF I DID~!
Summary: Song fic really, but the song comes in part two. Kindof angsty. Marsa, Marsa, Marsa, tsk, tsk, tsk...
A/N: The usual...comments are love. I will post up my Kame Koki fic like...never soon...This has no smut yet...I am glad I re-wrote it halfway through because Junichi trying to kill himself with a pair of scissors was just morbid. Anyway!
Masayuki walked into the apartment after a long day of filming and tossed his keys on the table in the entryway. He dropped his bag with equal annoyance onto the tiled floor and kicked his shoes off. By now, Junichi should be at the door to greet him and kiss him, welcoming him home. But to add another horrible thing to his very sucky day, Junichi didn’t meet him. He sighed.
“Junichi?” He called. He heard a groan from the living room and a thud, then something zipping. Now he was mad, annoyed, feeling like shit, and suspicious. He rounded the corner to the living room just as Junichi did. They both gripped the other, but stumbled backward a little. Masayuki looked in the living room and saw Junichi’s backpack on the coffee table and a notebook beside it. His anger and suspicion softened. “Did you fall asleep doing writing songs again?”
“Yes, I’m sorry…” Junichi kissed his lips softly. “Are you okay, you feel very warm?”
“I’m fine.” Masayuki replied dryly.
“Oi…” Junichi said softly. “Don’t be so harsh with me, omae…”
“You didn’t meet me at the door.”
“I fell asleep.” Junichi whispered.
“It seems you are always asleep when I come home.” Masayuki pushed him away and walked from the entry way. Junichi watched him walk into the living room and over to his book bag. Junichi started and ran to his bag before Masayuki could touch it. Masayuki looked at him. “What are you hiding from me?” Masayuki asked.
“Nothing.”
“Then why don’t you want me to look in the bag?”
“It’s my bag!” Junichi gripped it tightly in case Masayuki wanted to dare take it away.
The older man turned sharply and walked toward the bedroom, slamming the door. Junichi sighed and plopped onto the couch, opened the bag and saw that the books were still there. He could never let Masayuki catch him with those books, his lover would be so mad at him that he would leave him.
It’s not that Junichi was having bad feelings about their relationship, okay he was that’s why he had the books, but for Masayuki to think that Junichi doubted him would bring utter chaos and ultimate death. But Junichi couldn’t help having this sinking feeling when he would walk into a room and Masayuki and Hiroshi would be mere inches from each other. Junichi couldn’t help feeling depressed when Masayuki would not make love to him; the only sex they had was rushed and it wasn’t as satisfying as Junichi pretended it was. Junichi couldn’t help feeling insecure when Masayuki would remain silent after sex, no longer complimenting him or kissing him or holding him or touching him. The older man would just roll over with his back to Junichi and go to sleep. Junichi ended up staying awake most nights, terrified to sleep while Masayuki was near for fear he would leave him all alone and go to Nagano, that jerk.
When Junichi went to bed that night, Masayuki was already asleep. The younger man sighed and stroked his hair, kissing his head and whispering that he loved him and good night, he hoped he rested well and awoke ready for another day, then Junichi went to sleep.
Masayuki, however, was no fool, and was not sleeping. He rolled his eyes, his back was to Junichi, after all, at what Junichi had said and when he heard the extremely soft snore of his boyfriend, he got up and walked to the living room.
There was that backpack. He went over to it and opened it. For a moment, everything went in slow motion as he saw books with titles that disturbed him. No wonder Junichi didn’t want him to see. Under normal circumstances, he would have been flaming mad, but Junichi was obviously the one who was not the fool and could see everything that Masayuki was doing behind his back.
He looked at the titles of the non-fiction, self-help books: What Causes Sex to Cease, The Book Called Prozac: For Men With Depression, How To Tell If He’s Tired Of Me, What Am I Doing Wrong?, It’s fast; It’s distant: When Lover’s Drift Apart, Togetherness, Depression and How To Get Over It, Pleasing My Man, 508 Ways To Seduce, Can We Stay Together?, Depression and It’s Effects On Those Around Us, He’s Noticing Others, How To Beat The Blues, Turning Up The Heat, When Quickies Are A Habit, The Work Cycle in Contrast With The Love Cycle, What Is His Love Language?, and finally How To Stop Post-sex Silence.
He could hear his heart beating. Junichi had never said anything to him, never acted any differently toward him, and yet, Junichi was depressed and hurting and Masayuki was causing it. One of the books had a page marker. He looked at the title: What Is His Love Language? He opened it to the beginning and began reading. Time elapsed and he had no idea what time it was, but he was almost finished with the book when he heard a footstep on the hardwood floor. He looked up and first noticed the sun was shining and then noticed Junichi was frozen and pale as he looked at Masayuki with large, terrified eyes.
Masayuki stood slowly and sat the book down on the coffee table. Junichi stood there, guilty looking and eyes glued to the floor.
“Marsa-”
“Don’t.” He said softly. He walked over to him and lifted his chin. Junichi looked terrified and was starting to cry. Masayuki pulled him into his arms and held him while he cried and choked out an explanation.
“Marsa…I just want you to love me like you used to…I don’t want you to be mad at me…”
“Junichi…I’m not mad." He made Junichi look at him and he sighed. Junichi noticed the older man’s face turn sick. “I…I have not been faithful to you, not for a long time… I, I have no excuse…I do not know why I-”
But Junichi was moving away from him, crying bitterly. Junichi held up his hands and shook his head violently, turned and hurriedly went back to the bedroom.
The door closed softly but Masayuki could hear him screaming.
Junichi’s head was buried into the pillows as he screamed out sobs.
Masayuki realized that he was crying as well. Who wouldn’t cry at screams like that, especially when one had been the instigator of such emotions? With every muffled scream, Masayuki could hear the younger man’s heart ripping and his trust being shredded. Masayuki’s hand covered his own mouth as he stood in that same spot.
After a while, the screaming slowly stopped.
Masayuki placed the book back in his bag and zipped it slowly. He walked into the bedroom and saw a big ball under the blankets, which were trembling. Junichi was still sobbing. Masayuki packed a few of his things and dressed, then looked at the mass covered by blankets. It was no longer shaking, but he could hear crying and sniffing.
“It’s over, Masayuki.” He heard mumbled. “It was merely what if’s and dreams.”
He felt fresh tears come to his own eyes and left the room, the apartment, Junichi’s life.
~~
Three days went by and no one heard from Junichi. Go, Junichi’s best friend, couldn’t get him to answer the phone, or the door. The spare key had been removed from the top of the door so Go couldn’t get in. He sighed and called Masayuki.
“I know you have a key to this place, so come let me in.” Go ordered.
Masayuki was there twenty minutes later.
“What took you so long?”
“I didn’t want to look dead.” He replied.
“Yeah well, for all you know, Junichi is dead, open the door.”
“Don’t say shit like that, midget.”
“Shut the fuck up and open the door.”
Masayuki opened the door and walked in, stopping dead in his tracks.
“What?” Go whispered.
“Strange,” Masayuki whispered back. Everything was in the exact same spot as when he had left. Go walked through the living room and kitchen areas while Masayuki walked toward the bedroom. He gripped the knob and opened the door; Junichi looked up, then away. “Hey…” His voice was soft and it made Junichi’s red, puffy eyes gloss over.
“Why are you here?” Junichi muttered. Masayuki looked around the room and noticed the phone was ripped from the wall. He went over to it and picked it up.
“I let Go in because he was worried sick about you.”
As if on cue, Go walked in the room. Go glared at the younger man.
“Listen, you little fuck, just because your freak show lover boy can’t keep his dick to himself doesn’t mean you have to leave me floating out in Shitsville for three fucking days. Get your lazy ass up, prick.”
Junichi couldn’t help but laugh a little and smile. This is why Go was his best friend. He was such an ass, but had a soft heart.
“I’m perfectly comfortable right here, thank you.” Junichi grinned.
“Yeah, Inocchi tells me the same thing, only he’s buried so far up my ass he can’t see straight when he says it.”
Junichi groaned and fell back on the bed.
“Too much information, Morita…too much information…”
“Hey, help me get him out of bed, I have plans for lover boy.”
“Huh?” Junichi asked. “Plans?”
“You, Masayuki, me, and Innochi.”
“Go, I’m flattered, but seriously I broke up with Masayuki for having sex with someone else…an orgy would just make me a hypocrite.”
“You little sex fiend, get your mind out of that twisted gutter you call a brain and get up!” Go flounced onto the bed.
“Why?”
“Because, penis genius, number one, I am not going to let you get away with breaking up with him and, two, I am not about to have to be in the same group with you two sulking and acting like deprived soppy bitches, which would in turn make my love life suck so majorly that I would kick your scrawny ass from here to Okinawa, then make you fuck me cause Yoshi’s a voyeur and I would want my sex back to being top shelf, and thirdly, Hiroshi seduced him and it wasn’t his damn fault. He’s a man, Junichi, be glad he can’t get pregnant. And finally, because I miss my soap scum, low-life, jack-ass friend who promised to go with me to see the damned stock races, but didn’t because he was at the fucking library getting sex books to keep his fuck alive.”
“Oi! I only got two sex books, baka.”
“Three.” Masayuki muttered. He had sat on the bed a long time ago and shook his head, laughing slightly at Go’s speech.
Junichi looked at him. “Who invited you into this conversation?” Junichi said dryly. “I broke up with you, it’s over. Why don’t you leave now?”
Junichi’s words burned his insides and he looked down.
Go sat up and glared at Junichi even more. “What the fuck is your problem?” Go asked. “You’re being a fucking princess, Junichi, be a man, at least.”
Masayuki had stood and was at the door to the bedroom to leave.
“And you wonder why he cheated?”
Junichi remained silent. He heard the front door close and Masayuki drive away.
~
Masayuki pulled into his driveway and sat in his car, his eyes closed and crying. At length he got out of the car and walked up to the new apartment’s door. It was a metal door, nothing like the solid wood door to their apartment. Everything about this apartment was cold, there was no comfort there. He walked into the living room and sat on the couch. He looked at the picture on the end table. He gently put it face down, brand new tears filling his eyes. He remembered that say so vividly.
“It’s cold!” Junichi whined.
“It is not…see?” Masayuki wrapped his arms around him and Junichi smiled.
“I think it got warmer.”
That was the day before he had cheated. He picked up the picture and looked at it, letting his fingers trace Junichi’s smiling face. He had ruined everything. They were happy in that picture. They had promised themselves to each other that cool afternoon as they traipsed about Tokyo with the rest of the group.
“What if I asked you to marry me?”
“I would say yes.”
Junichi was right, it was only what if’s and dreams because Masayuki couldn’t even hold up his end of the relationship for three years, much less an eternity. Which depressed him greatly.
Junichi was a virgin when they got together and when they made love it was so special. He was so shy and blushed a lot, but after that first time, it was like he was addicted. He had to have it. And the night of that picture was the last night they made real love.
It was just a dare. A stupid dare Nagano made him, but after one time, he really enjoyed the different sex, the more experienced sex, and eventually he had it almost daily and Junichi was in the back of his mind somewhere, but so faithful and so good to him, never suspecting him and meeting him at the door like an obedient dog.
He would have never thought that the very next day after they had agreed to make their relationship more than just dating that he would be having sex with his best friend in a bathroom stall.
“Fuck you, Hiroshi.”
“I dare you to.”
“What?” Masayuki laughed. Nagano gripped the older man’s belt loops and pulled him against his body, grinning. Masayuki was turned on.
“I dare you to fuck me.” It had to be that new hair do that Hiroshi had, because Masayuki just complied.
“Fine, get in that stall…”
And it all escaladed from there.
Never mind the fact that they were both in serious relationships. Never mind the fact that Masayuki and Junichi were pretty much married. Never mind the fact that Ken and Hiroshi had been together for five years and actually referred to each other as husband and husband. Never mind the fact that Junichi had told him that he was afraid to love because he felt like he would never be quite enough for anyone and Masayuki had reassured him that he was all the older man needed and all he ever wanted.
Masayuki looked into the smiling man’s eyes and whispered his apologies to the air. "I hope you find a real man who loves you and can control himself."
Masayuki fell asleep on the couch with the picture against his chest and tears on the cushions of the soft white leather.
He awoke to someone knocking on his door. He sat up and walked to the window, peeking outside. Junichi? How did Junichi know where he was? He checked himself in the mirror, smoothing his hair and nodding, he looked presentable, sort of. He opened the door and Junichi shoved his hands in his pockets.
“…” Masayuki couldn’t find words.
“Can I come in?”
Masayuki stepped aside and ushered him to do so. The older man closed the door and Junichi took off his shoes.
The younger man looked around and walked into the living room. He hated this place. It was…cold…too much metal…too much white…too…not Masayuki. “This is the best you could find?” He asked.
“He? Ah, no…but it was closer to work and cheaper…” There was silence. “C-can I-get you something to drink?”
“Water.”
“Ah. Okay…” He nodded and left the room. He felt sick.
Junichi sat on the couch and leaned back, scanning the room. That picture, staring right at him, made him feel sick at heart. He looked away and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees in his typical Junichi fashion: chin in his palm and fingers curled, their tips resting against his lips.
Masayuki walked back in the room and handed him the water.
“Thanks.” Junichi sat it on the table.
Masayuki sat uncomfortably in the chair across from him.
“So-” they spoke in unison.
“You go ahead.” Masayuki stated softly.
Junichi cleared his throat and his hands gripped together nervously. “I’m really not sure why I’m here…I have nothing to say.” He muttered.
Masayuki let out a sigh You could say you are sorry for being an ass. He thought.
“But…Go gave me a good verbal ass kick and I figured it would be right for me to initiate some kind of something, but I don’t know what.” Junichi shifted a little. “But I am definitely not going to apologize to you and I am definitely not here to get back with you, so I really don’t know why the fuck I’m here…” he mused.
Masayuki’s head fell as his heart did.
Junichi looked up at him with his own head still lowered. He could see the pain etched on his ex-boyfriend’s face…the hurt that was coursing through his body couldn’t be hidden with his head merely bowed. Junichi felt like shit suddenly.
“Well…then…I am sure you have some reason. You have a purpose in everything you do.” Masayuki managed without letting his voice crack.
Junichi was silent for a while.
“Maybe…maybe I did come to apologize,” he whispered. “But I really think I came wanting an explanation for why you cheated on me, when you cheated on me, who you fucked, why I wasn’t good enough for you, and why the hell you told me you loved me and promised me forever that day.” He pointed to the picture.
“It was a dare…” Masayuki began, sinking back into the chair and covering his eyes with his hand. His hand left his eyes when he heard Junichi speak.
“Someone dared you to ram your dick up someone else’s ass and you did it?” Junichi said incredulously.
“I wasn’t going to…I wasn’t! But he just--”
“Who? Who?!”
“…Hiroshi…” Masayuki whispered.
Junichi scoffed.
“You knew who it was, Go told you!”
“Well excuse me for giving you the benefit of a fucking doubt, Masayuki! Sorry I wanted him to be nameless and faceless and nothing to you!”
“Junichi…” Masayuki was suddenly in front of him on his knees between the younger man’s legs and gripping his hands in his. “I swear I never meant to…he just started touching me and I tried to ignore it, but dammit…and all I could think about was you and how I could never touch you the same way again because you would just know I was lying and I couldn’t tell you. And then I couldn’t help it, it made me want him more and it’s not that he was better, he was just different and it was nice to have something different, but, God, I felt so sick every time. And that’s why I would be pissed when I came home because Junichi…”
The older man was crying and Junichi was in shock from his confession.
“Junichi…I could no longer touch you in the way that you needed I could no longer love you completely because I was fucking someone else’s husband and oh, God, I felt so sick afterwards and knew I had to come home to you, but you never said anything, never suspected, and just met me at the door, with all that love on your face and in your eyes and I felt like shit! And I had to tell you, but I couldn’t and when I found those books, I knew you knew, but you weren’t accepting it, you were begging for those books to tell you that I was still faithful and that your eyes deceived you. But they would only confirm what you saw when you walked in the room and saw us close, too close, and Junichi I love you and I had to tell you before those books did,” He took a brief breath and continued.
“I couldn’t stay silent anymore while you looked at me when we had sex with so much longing and your touch just burned me and mocked me, laughed at me for being so weak as to give in to him every time just because he was something I couldn’t have. And I was missing so much because all I ever wanted and needed was at home in bed waiting for me, but this was so different and felt so good that I couldn’t stop and it was too late. When you looked at me and shook your head like that, I knew I had killed you inside and every fucking scream you made let me know how much of a terrible person I am and that I deserve nothing but death and I died right there. Junichi I’m so sorry, I don’t even know why the fuck I did it! I know you cried yourself to sleep, because I did, too.” Masayuki collapsed against him and cried against him bitterly.
Junichi knew that everything he said was truth. He could tell by Masayuki’s eyes. He had to admit that Masayuki sucked with words, and his words sucked for the past five minutes, but his emotions and his body language encapsulated all the feelings of regret and pain and remorse.
“I just knew I would have to come home and see true love staring back at me and know I was kicking it farther and farther away from me and it made me mad.” Masayuki whimpered against his chest.
Junichi held him close and that only seemed to fuel the older man’s tears more.
“I know it means nothing, but I’m sorry, I am truly sorry…”
They were silent for a while after Masayuki’s sobs quieted down. Junichi had rested his head against the head of the man he loved and stroked his hair, calming him.
“I need time, Masayuki…a long time to just...be away from you. I think it would be best for both of us if we…if we didn’t acknowledge each other’s presence for a while.”
Masayuki looked up at him and nodded, crestfallen, moving away and walking from the room. This would be hard. But it was necessary.
Junichi needed to think about his confession and really decide if he could ever forgive him.
A/N: Yeah sorry it was really whiny...sorry about the length and cheese of Leader's little confession. Part two is soon to come! Comments? Hm? HM?! ^.^
Rating: R ; Shounen ai desu!
Pairing: OkaYuki (Masayuki Sakamoto x Okada Junichi)
Disclaimer: !!!! Books mentioned in this fic are not real to my knowledge and SRSLY I'm not even gonna begin to think about talking about owning Junichi or his lover boy Masayuki. OMG BUT IF I DID~!
Summary: Song fic really, but the song comes in part two. Kindof angsty. Marsa, Marsa, Marsa, tsk, tsk, tsk...
A/N: The usual...comments are love. I will post up my Kame Koki fic like...never soon...This has no smut yet...I am glad I re-wrote it halfway through because Junichi trying to kill himself with a pair of scissors was just morbid. Anyway!
Masayuki walked into the apartment after a long day of filming and tossed his keys on the table in the entryway. He dropped his bag with equal annoyance onto the tiled floor and kicked his shoes off. By now, Junichi should be at the door to greet him and kiss him, welcoming him home. But to add another horrible thing to his very sucky day, Junichi didn’t meet him. He sighed.
“Junichi?” He called. He heard a groan from the living room and a thud, then something zipping. Now he was mad, annoyed, feeling like shit, and suspicious. He rounded the corner to the living room just as Junichi did. They both gripped the other, but stumbled backward a little. Masayuki looked in the living room and saw Junichi’s backpack on the coffee table and a notebook beside it. His anger and suspicion softened. “Did you fall asleep doing writing songs again?”
“Yes, I’m sorry…” Junichi kissed his lips softly. “Are you okay, you feel very warm?”
“I’m fine.” Masayuki replied dryly.
“Oi…” Junichi said softly. “Don’t be so harsh with me, omae…”
“You didn’t meet me at the door.”
“I fell asleep.” Junichi whispered.
“It seems you are always asleep when I come home.” Masayuki pushed him away and walked from the entry way. Junichi watched him walk into the living room and over to his book bag. Junichi started and ran to his bag before Masayuki could touch it. Masayuki looked at him. “What are you hiding from me?” Masayuki asked.
“Nothing.”
“Then why don’t you want me to look in the bag?”
“It’s my bag!” Junichi gripped it tightly in case Masayuki wanted to dare take it away.
The older man turned sharply and walked toward the bedroom, slamming the door. Junichi sighed and plopped onto the couch, opened the bag and saw that the books were still there. He could never let Masayuki catch him with those books, his lover would be so mad at him that he would leave him.
It’s not that Junichi was having bad feelings about their relationship, okay he was that’s why he had the books, but for Masayuki to think that Junichi doubted him would bring utter chaos and ultimate death. But Junichi couldn’t help having this sinking feeling when he would walk into a room and Masayuki and Hiroshi would be mere inches from each other. Junichi couldn’t help feeling depressed when Masayuki would not make love to him; the only sex they had was rushed and it wasn’t as satisfying as Junichi pretended it was. Junichi couldn’t help feeling insecure when Masayuki would remain silent after sex, no longer complimenting him or kissing him or holding him or touching him. The older man would just roll over with his back to Junichi and go to sleep. Junichi ended up staying awake most nights, terrified to sleep while Masayuki was near for fear he would leave him all alone and go to Nagano, that jerk.
When Junichi went to bed that night, Masayuki was already asleep. The younger man sighed and stroked his hair, kissing his head and whispering that he loved him and good night, he hoped he rested well and awoke ready for another day, then Junichi went to sleep.
Masayuki, however, was no fool, and was not sleeping. He rolled his eyes, his back was to Junichi, after all, at what Junichi had said and when he heard the extremely soft snore of his boyfriend, he got up and walked to the living room.
There was that backpack. He went over to it and opened it. For a moment, everything went in slow motion as he saw books with titles that disturbed him. No wonder Junichi didn’t want him to see. Under normal circumstances, he would have been flaming mad, but Junichi was obviously the one who was not the fool and could see everything that Masayuki was doing behind his back.
He looked at the titles of the non-fiction, self-help books: What Causes Sex to Cease, The Book Called Prozac: For Men With Depression, How To Tell If He’s Tired Of Me, What Am I Doing Wrong?, It’s fast; It’s distant: When Lover’s Drift Apart, Togetherness, Depression and How To Get Over It, Pleasing My Man, 508 Ways To Seduce, Can We Stay Together?, Depression and It’s Effects On Those Around Us, He’s Noticing Others, How To Beat The Blues, Turning Up The Heat, When Quickies Are A Habit, The Work Cycle in Contrast With The Love Cycle, What Is His Love Language?, and finally How To Stop Post-sex Silence.
He could hear his heart beating. Junichi had never said anything to him, never acted any differently toward him, and yet, Junichi was depressed and hurting and Masayuki was causing it. One of the books had a page marker. He looked at the title: What Is His Love Language? He opened it to the beginning and began reading. Time elapsed and he had no idea what time it was, but he was almost finished with the book when he heard a footstep on the hardwood floor. He looked up and first noticed the sun was shining and then noticed Junichi was frozen and pale as he looked at Masayuki with large, terrified eyes.
Masayuki stood slowly and sat the book down on the coffee table. Junichi stood there, guilty looking and eyes glued to the floor.
“Marsa-”
“Don’t.” He said softly. He walked over to him and lifted his chin. Junichi looked terrified and was starting to cry. Masayuki pulled him into his arms and held him while he cried and choked out an explanation.
“Marsa…I just want you to love me like you used to…I don’t want you to be mad at me…”
“Junichi…I’m not mad." He made Junichi look at him and he sighed. Junichi noticed the older man’s face turn sick. “I…I have not been faithful to you, not for a long time… I, I have no excuse…I do not know why I-”
But Junichi was moving away from him, crying bitterly. Junichi held up his hands and shook his head violently, turned and hurriedly went back to the bedroom.
The door closed softly but Masayuki could hear him screaming.
Junichi’s head was buried into the pillows as he screamed out sobs.
Masayuki realized that he was crying as well. Who wouldn’t cry at screams like that, especially when one had been the instigator of such emotions? With every muffled scream, Masayuki could hear the younger man’s heart ripping and his trust being shredded. Masayuki’s hand covered his own mouth as he stood in that same spot.
After a while, the screaming slowly stopped.
Masayuki placed the book back in his bag and zipped it slowly. He walked into the bedroom and saw a big ball under the blankets, which were trembling. Junichi was still sobbing. Masayuki packed a few of his things and dressed, then looked at the mass covered by blankets. It was no longer shaking, but he could hear crying and sniffing.
“It’s over, Masayuki.” He heard mumbled. “It was merely what if’s and dreams.”
He felt fresh tears come to his own eyes and left the room, the apartment, Junichi’s life.
~~
Three days went by and no one heard from Junichi. Go, Junichi’s best friend, couldn’t get him to answer the phone, or the door. The spare key had been removed from the top of the door so Go couldn’t get in. He sighed and called Masayuki.
“I know you have a key to this place, so come let me in.” Go ordered.
Masayuki was there twenty minutes later.
“What took you so long?”
“I didn’t want to look dead.” He replied.
“Yeah well, for all you know, Junichi is dead, open the door.”
“Don’t say shit like that, midget.”
“Shut the fuck up and open the door.”
Masayuki opened the door and walked in, stopping dead in his tracks.
“What?” Go whispered.
“Strange,” Masayuki whispered back. Everything was in the exact same spot as when he had left. Go walked through the living room and kitchen areas while Masayuki walked toward the bedroom. He gripped the knob and opened the door; Junichi looked up, then away. “Hey…” His voice was soft and it made Junichi’s red, puffy eyes gloss over.
“Why are you here?” Junichi muttered. Masayuki looked around the room and noticed the phone was ripped from the wall. He went over to it and picked it up.
“I let Go in because he was worried sick about you.”
As if on cue, Go walked in the room. Go glared at the younger man.
“Listen, you little fuck, just because your freak show lover boy can’t keep his dick to himself doesn’t mean you have to leave me floating out in Shitsville for three fucking days. Get your lazy ass up, prick.”
Junichi couldn’t help but laugh a little and smile. This is why Go was his best friend. He was such an ass, but had a soft heart.
“I’m perfectly comfortable right here, thank you.” Junichi grinned.
“Yeah, Inocchi tells me the same thing, only he’s buried so far up my ass he can’t see straight when he says it.”
Junichi groaned and fell back on the bed.
“Too much information, Morita…too much information…”
“Hey, help me get him out of bed, I have plans for lover boy.”
“Huh?” Junichi asked. “Plans?”
“You, Masayuki, me, and Innochi.”
“Go, I’m flattered, but seriously I broke up with Masayuki for having sex with someone else…an orgy would just make me a hypocrite.”
“You little sex fiend, get your mind out of that twisted gutter you call a brain and get up!” Go flounced onto the bed.
“Why?”
“Because, penis genius, number one, I am not going to let you get away with breaking up with him and, two, I am not about to have to be in the same group with you two sulking and acting like deprived soppy bitches, which would in turn make my love life suck so majorly that I would kick your scrawny ass from here to Okinawa, then make you fuck me cause Yoshi’s a voyeur and I would want my sex back to being top shelf, and thirdly, Hiroshi seduced him and it wasn’t his damn fault. He’s a man, Junichi, be glad he can’t get pregnant. And finally, because I miss my soap scum, low-life, jack-ass friend who promised to go with me to see the damned stock races, but didn’t because he was at the fucking library getting sex books to keep his fuck alive.”
“Oi! I only got two sex books, baka.”
“Three.” Masayuki muttered. He had sat on the bed a long time ago and shook his head, laughing slightly at Go’s speech.
Junichi looked at him. “Who invited you into this conversation?” Junichi said dryly. “I broke up with you, it’s over. Why don’t you leave now?”
Junichi’s words burned his insides and he looked down.
Go sat up and glared at Junichi even more. “What the fuck is your problem?” Go asked. “You’re being a fucking princess, Junichi, be a man, at least.”
Masayuki had stood and was at the door to the bedroom to leave.
“And you wonder why he cheated?”
Junichi remained silent. He heard the front door close and Masayuki drive away.
~
Masayuki pulled into his driveway and sat in his car, his eyes closed and crying. At length he got out of the car and walked up to the new apartment’s door. It was a metal door, nothing like the solid wood door to their apartment. Everything about this apartment was cold, there was no comfort there. He walked into the living room and sat on the couch. He looked at the picture on the end table. He gently put it face down, brand new tears filling his eyes. He remembered that say so vividly.
“It’s cold!” Junichi whined.
“It is not…see?” Masayuki wrapped his arms around him and Junichi smiled.
“I think it got warmer.”
That was the day before he had cheated. He picked up the picture and looked at it, letting his fingers trace Junichi’s smiling face. He had ruined everything. They were happy in that picture. They had promised themselves to each other that cool afternoon as they traipsed about Tokyo with the rest of the group.
“What if I asked you to marry me?”
“I would say yes.”
Junichi was right, it was only what if’s and dreams because Masayuki couldn’t even hold up his end of the relationship for three years, much less an eternity. Which depressed him greatly.
Junichi was a virgin when they got together and when they made love it was so special. He was so shy and blushed a lot, but after that first time, it was like he was addicted. He had to have it. And the night of that picture was the last night they made real love.
It was just a dare. A stupid dare Nagano made him, but after one time, he really enjoyed the different sex, the more experienced sex, and eventually he had it almost daily and Junichi was in the back of his mind somewhere, but so faithful and so good to him, never suspecting him and meeting him at the door like an obedient dog.
He would have never thought that the very next day after they had agreed to make their relationship more than just dating that he would be having sex with his best friend in a bathroom stall.
“Fuck you, Hiroshi.”
“I dare you to.”
“What?” Masayuki laughed. Nagano gripped the older man’s belt loops and pulled him against his body, grinning. Masayuki was turned on.
“I dare you to fuck me.” It had to be that new hair do that Hiroshi had, because Masayuki just complied.
“Fine, get in that stall…”
And it all escaladed from there.
Never mind the fact that they were both in serious relationships. Never mind the fact that Masayuki and Junichi were pretty much married. Never mind the fact that Ken and Hiroshi had been together for five years and actually referred to each other as husband and husband. Never mind the fact that Junichi had told him that he was afraid to love because he felt like he would never be quite enough for anyone and Masayuki had reassured him that he was all the older man needed and all he ever wanted.
Masayuki looked into the smiling man’s eyes and whispered his apologies to the air. "I hope you find a real man who loves you and can control himself."
Masayuki fell asleep on the couch with the picture against his chest and tears on the cushions of the soft white leather.
He awoke to someone knocking on his door. He sat up and walked to the window, peeking outside. Junichi? How did Junichi know where he was? He checked himself in the mirror, smoothing his hair and nodding, he looked presentable, sort of. He opened the door and Junichi shoved his hands in his pockets.
“…” Masayuki couldn’t find words.
“Can I come in?”
Masayuki stepped aside and ushered him to do so. The older man closed the door and Junichi took off his shoes.
The younger man looked around and walked into the living room. He hated this place. It was…cold…too much metal…too much white…too…not Masayuki. “This is the best you could find?” He asked.
“He? Ah, no…but it was closer to work and cheaper…” There was silence. “C-can I-get you something to drink?”
“Water.”
“Ah. Okay…” He nodded and left the room. He felt sick.
Junichi sat on the couch and leaned back, scanning the room. That picture, staring right at him, made him feel sick at heart. He looked away and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees in his typical Junichi fashion: chin in his palm and fingers curled, their tips resting against his lips.
Masayuki walked back in the room and handed him the water.
“Thanks.” Junichi sat it on the table.
Masayuki sat uncomfortably in the chair across from him.
“So-” they spoke in unison.
“You go ahead.” Masayuki stated softly.
Junichi cleared his throat and his hands gripped together nervously. “I’m really not sure why I’m here…I have nothing to say.” He muttered.
Masayuki let out a sigh You could say you are sorry for being an ass. He thought.
“But…Go gave me a good verbal ass kick and I figured it would be right for me to initiate some kind of something, but I don’t know what.” Junichi shifted a little. “But I am definitely not going to apologize to you and I am definitely not here to get back with you, so I really don’t know why the fuck I’m here…” he mused.
Masayuki’s head fell as his heart did.
Junichi looked up at him with his own head still lowered. He could see the pain etched on his ex-boyfriend’s face…the hurt that was coursing through his body couldn’t be hidden with his head merely bowed. Junichi felt like shit suddenly.
“Well…then…I am sure you have some reason. You have a purpose in everything you do.” Masayuki managed without letting his voice crack.
Junichi was silent for a while.
“Maybe…maybe I did come to apologize,” he whispered. “But I really think I came wanting an explanation for why you cheated on me, when you cheated on me, who you fucked, why I wasn’t good enough for you, and why the hell you told me you loved me and promised me forever that day.” He pointed to the picture.
“It was a dare…” Masayuki began, sinking back into the chair and covering his eyes with his hand. His hand left his eyes when he heard Junichi speak.
“Someone dared you to ram your dick up someone else’s ass and you did it?” Junichi said incredulously.
“I wasn’t going to…I wasn’t! But he just--”
“Who? Who?!”
“…Hiroshi…” Masayuki whispered.
Junichi scoffed.
“You knew who it was, Go told you!”
“Well excuse me for giving you the benefit of a fucking doubt, Masayuki! Sorry I wanted him to be nameless and faceless and nothing to you!”
“Junichi…” Masayuki was suddenly in front of him on his knees between the younger man’s legs and gripping his hands in his. “I swear I never meant to…he just started touching me and I tried to ignore it, but dammit…and all I could think about was you and how I could never touch you the same way again because you would just know I was lying and I couldn’t tell you. And then I couldn’t help it, it made me want him more and it’s not that he was better, he was just different and it was nice to have something different, but, God, I felt so sick every time. And that’s why I would be pissed when I came home because Junichi…”
The older man was crying and Junichi was in shock from his confession.
“Junichi…I could no longer touch you in the way that you needed I could no longer love you completely because I was fucking someone else’s husband and oh, God, I felt so sick afterwards and knew I had to come home to you, but you never said anything, never suspected, and just met me at the door, with all that love on your face and in your eyes and I felt like shit! And I had to tell you, but I couldn’t and when I found those books, I knew you knew, but you weren’t accepting it, you were begging for those books to tell you that I was still faithful and that your eyes deceived you. But they would only confirm what you saw when you walked in the room and saw us close, too close, and Junichi I love you and I had to tell you before those books did,” He took a brief breath and continued.
“I couldn’t stay silent anymore while you looked at me when we had sex with so much longing and your touch just burned me and mocked me, laughed at me for being so weak as to give in to him every time just because he was something I couldn’t have. And I was missing so much because all I ever wanted and needed was at home in bed waiting for me, but this was so different and felt so good that I couldn’t stop and it was too late. When you looked at me and shook your head like that, I knew I had killed you inside and every fucking scream you made let me know how much of a terrible person I am and that I deserve nothing but death and I died right there. Junichi I’m so sorry, I don’t even know why the fuck I did it! I know you cried yourself to sleep, because I did, too.” Masayuki collapsed against him and cried against him bitterly.
Junichi knew that everything he said was truth. He could tell by Masayuki’s eyes. He had to admit that Masayuki sucked with words, and his words sucked for the past five minutes, but his emotions and his body language encapsulated all the feelings of regret and pain and remorse.
“I just knew I would have to come home and see true love staring back at me and know I was kicking it farther and farther away from me and it made me mad.” Masayuki whimpered against his chest.
Junichi held him close and that only seemed to fuel the older man’s tears more.
“I know it means nothing, but I’m sorry, I am truly sorry…”
They were silent for a while after Masayuki’s sobs quieted down. Junichi had rested his head against the head of the man he loved and stroked his hair, calming him.
“I need time, Masayuki…a long time to just...be away from you. I think it would be best for both of us if we…if we didn’t acknowledge each other’s presence for a while.”
Masayuki looked up at him and nodded, crestfallen, moving away and walking from the room. This would be hard. But it was necessary.
Junichi needed to think about his confession and really decide if he could ever forgive him.
A/N: Yeah sorry it was really whiny...sorry about the length and cheese of Leader's little confession. Part two is soon to come! Comments? Hm? HM?! ^.^