not a good blog
This blog is, well not good. First there is no baby Turner. It was a false alarm. So we try again later.
Now, I'm getting on my soap box so bear with me. The past couple of months have been rough. I'm calling into question everything I'm diong right now. This was also part of the little break down I had last week. In the past 2 or 3 months I have lost several transplant friends. Most were kind of unexplainable. They were fine and suddenly went into rejection or had an infection. First this scares the crap put of me. I'm doing great so when id it going to be my turn? It's not death that scares me, I've dealt with that my whole life, it's what I'm leaving behind. I'll be leaving a wife who has sacrificed everything to be with me and is now realizing her dream is within reach. I'll be leaving a family, new and old, who have been gererous and caring and so supportive. My friends who have been by my side through so much in my life and kept me positive and fighting. Now don't take this the wrong way, I'm not giving up, I just don't know if when the time comes to fight again if there's any fight left in me.
Second, why them? Why are they gone and I'm still here? They were great people who had families, grandchildren, everything. What is the purpose of this? What's my purpose, there has to be a reason for my life, I hope. I wish I knew the answer to this because it would help. So far I've done very little and my freinds had so much to live for. I feel an added sense of responsibility to do well not only for my donors sake, but for them. I have ot live on and do something great in their name.
Nothing is making sense to me now. I'm a little lost.
Now, I'm getting on my soap box so bear with me. The past couple of months have been rough. I'm calling into question everything I'm diong right now. This was also part of the little break down I had last week. In the past 2 or 3 months I have lost several transplant friends. Most were kind of unexplainable. They were fine and suddenly went into rejection or had an infection. First this scares the crap put of me. I'm doing great so when id it going to be my turn? It's not death that scares me, I've dealt with that my whole life, it's what I'm leaving behind. I'll be leaving a wife who has sacrificed everything to be with me and is now realizing her dream is within reach. I'll be leaving a family, new and old, who have been gererous and caring and so supportive. My friends who have been by my side through so much in my life and kept me positive and fighting. Now don't take this the wrong way, I'm not giving up, I just don't know if when the time comes to fight again if there's any fight left in me.
Second, why them? Why are they gone and I'm still here? They were great people who had families, grandchildren, everything. What is the purpose of this? What's my purpose, there has to be a reason for my life, I hope. I wish I knew the answer to this because it would help. So far I've done very little and my freinds had so much to live for. I feel an added sense of responsibility to do well not only for my donors sake, but for them. I have ot live on and do something great in their name.
Nothing is making sense to me now. I'm a little lost.