Red v. Blue ~ Round 10
Character aliases - Season 5
"Vaughn, get out here! The kids are getting antsy." Sydney knocked on the bathroom door impatiently.
"This is NOT working."
"I'm not buying that one this time, mister."
"Well, I'm not coming out. Nuh-uh, no way."
"You dressed up as a cyber-punk, but you won't do this?"
"The cyber-punk alias didn't involve a squeaky red nose!!"
"It's your daughter's birthday, for goodness sake! You promised her a clown, Mr. I'm-too-cheap-to-hire-one. Besides, you already had the outfit hiding in the back of your closet."
"Yes, and there was a reason it was in the back. Tell me again why Weiss wouldn't do this? Isn't he Houdini's grandson or something? A clown wouldn't be pushing it."
"He's still bitter about the trip to the eclair shop you took without him the other day."
"He's not my boyfriend! I should be able to stop by the local patisserie whenever I want without asking his permission."
"Look, if Roberto Krusty is not downstairs in five minutes, ready to entertain his daughter and her friends, not only will he not be getting any nookie for two weeks, but his nookie-buddy will also not be sharing the can of chocolate-covered macadamias she picked up the other day..."
"My name is André, damn it!"
"Whatever. Just get your lying ass downstairs."
4.7 minutes later
"Look Izzie, Krusty the Clown came to wish you a happy birthday!"
Isabelle Bristow-Vaughn-Michaux clapped in delight as Vaughn, er... Krusty stumbled down the stairs in his size 22 shoes, clown suit, frizzy red wig and squeaky nose.
"That's not Krusty, that's your daddy!" pointed out Mitchell Flinkman, shooting a hopeful glance over at Isabelle.
"No, his name is Roberto Krusty," smiled Jack, "and he's most definitely a clown. But you're right, Isabelle's daddy is a bit of a clown too." Vaughn attempted to shoot a VLOD at Jack, but it bounced off him and fizzled weakly on the floor.
"Make the clown dance!" demanded Billy Tippin.
"No, I want a balloon!" cried Erica Weiss.
Not wanting to dance, Vaughn chose the balloon option. Unfortunately, his training at the Farm hadn't included "Making Balloon-Animals for Demanding, Whiney Children." After five minutes of blowing (Dirty!), all Vaughn had was a large red, spherical balloon and some very impatient toddlers.
"This clown is stupid and boring!" spat Billy, "I want some cake!"
Vaughn was at a loss and his heart plummeted as he his daughter staring at him, crestfallen. He hid the balloon behind his back and tried to think of something, anything, to make up for his complete lack of entertaining skills.
Luckily for him, the door burst open and in sauntered Blue. "Ah, Red, so we meet again," she sneered, making her way past Sydney towards Vaughn. "I see you've tried to hide from me by using a clever disguise. Nice try, but it takes a lot more than a bit of clown-makeup to hid that Bozo-red hair. Now, I'm gonna put an end to this I'm-evil-you're-evil-let's-kill-each-other business right now before any other innocent pizza places or *sniff* punky boyfriends pay the consequences." Blue caught sight of the red balloon behind Vaughn's back. "Wait. What. Is. That??!"
"Oh, this? It's..."
"STOP! Don't move! You don't know how dangerous that thing is! Okay, now, slowly set it down and back away from the mercury charges. Nice and calm..."
"What's a mercury charge, gwampa?" asked Izzie.
"Hush, sweetie. Krusty and Blue are in the middle of a tense standoff."
"Gwampa, why is Mommy wunning down the stawirs, cawwying a gun and sporting an expwession of muwdewous wage?"
"Isn't that weird? Izzy, I think you and your friends should go play outside with your new 'My First Ninja Stars' set. Here, Grandpa will come with you... to supervise."
"Blue! Get your greasy, pleather-clad paws off of him!" demanded Sydney, adjusting her red wig.
"Him? What? Red? You... wait!" she turned to Vaughn. "Who are you? Hold on... you're THE MAN, aren't you! Well, I've got a message for you." A sweeping right hook caught Vaughn in the nose. "Bastard."
"Owww!" cried Vaughn, clutching his clown nose. "Wait, why is there red jello coming out of this?"
[In a beachside bar, very very far away, Sark let out an eeeevil laugh before returning to sip his Sex on the Beach.]
Red... I mean, "Sydney" pulled out her gun and leveled it at Blue. "Get out of my house. You're ruining my daughter's birthday party."
"Red, we have unfinished business to attend to."
"Yeah, well, pizza will have to wait until next time." Sydney shot the red balloon and a pathetic little puddle of water spilled out. Despite the anti-climax, Blue sprinted for the door. "This isn't the end, Red!! You can't defeat me!"
"She's right, you know," said Vaughn after she was gone, stripping the clown suit down to his CIA boxers, "Blue is just one of your many alter-egos, so can't really kill her."
"Shut up. You know, you left a little bit of clown lipstick on your mouth."
"Where?"
"Right -- here..."
Outside, Jack thought he heard the sound of heavy breathing. "Okay kids, who wants a birthday sundae?"
14. Roberto Krusty (Vaughn) - death by mistaken identity.
and
36. Blue - death by Red Balloon.
"Vaughn, get out here! The kids are getting antsy." Sydney knocked on the bathroom door impatiently.
"This is NOT working."
"I'm not buying that one this time, mister."
"Well, I'm not coming out. Nuh-uh, no way."
"You dressed up as a cyber-punk, but you won't do this?"
"The cyber-punk alias didn't involve a squeaky red nose!!"
"It's your daughter's birthday, for goodness sake! You promised her a clown, Mr. I'm-too-cheap-to-hire-one. Besides, you already had the outfit hiding in the back of your closet."
"Yes, and there was a reason it was in the back. Tell me again why Weiss wouldn't do this? Isn't he Houdini's grandson or something? A clown wouldn't be pushing it."
"He's still bitter about the trip to the eclair shop you took without him the other day."
"He's not my boyfriend! I should be able to stop by the local patisserie whenever I want without asking his permission."
"Look, if Roberto Krusty is not downstairs in five minutes, ready to entertain his daughter and her friends, not only will he not be getting any nookie for two weeks, but his nookie-buddy will also not be sharing the can of chocolate-covered macadamias she picked up the other day..."
"My name is André, damn it!"
"Whatever. Just get your lying ass downstairs."
4.7 minutes later
"Look Izzie, Krusty the Clown came to wish you a happy birthday!"
Isabelle Bristow-Vaughn-Michaux clapped in delight as Vaughn, er... Krusty stumbled down the stairs in his size 22 shoes, clown suit, frizzy red wig and squeaky nose.
"That's not Krusty, that's your daddy!" pointed out Mitchell Flinkman, shooting a hopeful glance over at Isabelle.
"No, his name is Roberto Krusty," smiled Jack, "and he's most definitely a clown. But you're right, Isabelle's daddy is a bit of a clown too." Vaughn attempted to shoot a VLOD at Jack, but it bounced off him and fizzled weakly on the floor.
"Make the clown dance!" demanded Billy Tippin.
"No, I want a balloon!" cried Erica Weiss.
Not wanting to dance, Vaughn chose the balloon option. Unfortunately, his training at the Farm hadn't included "Making Balloon-Animals for Demanding, Whiney Children." After five minutes of blowing (Dirty!), all Vaughn had was a large red, spherical balloon and some very impatient toddlers.
"This clown is stupid and boring!" spat Billy, "I want some cake!"
Vaughn was at a loss and his heart plummeted as he his daughter staring at him, crestfallen. He hid the balloon behind his back and tried to think of something, anything, to make up for his complete lack of entertaining skills.
Luckily for him, the door burst open and in sauntered Blue. "Ah, Red, so we meet again," she sneered, making her way past Sydney towards Vaughn. "I see you've tried to hide from me by using a clever disguise. Nice try, but it takes a lot more than a bit of clown-makeup to hid that Bozo-red hair. Now, I'm gonna put an end to this I'm-evil-you're-evil-let's-kill-each-other business right now before any other innocent pizza places or *sniff* punky boyfriends pay the consequences." Blue caught sight of the red balloon behind Vaughn's back. "Wait. What. Is. That??!"
"Oh, this? It's..."
"STOP! Don't move! You don't know how dangerous that thing is! Okay, now, slowly set it down and back away from the mercury charges. Nice and calm..."
"What's a mercury charge, gwampa?" asked Izzie.
"Hush, sweetie. Krusty and Blue are in the middle of a tense standoff."
"Gwampa, why is Mommy wunning down the stawirs, cawwying a gun and sporting an expwession of muwdewous wage?"
"Isn't that weird? Izzy, I think you and your friends should go play outside with your new 'My First Ninja Stars' set. Here, Grandpa will come with you... to supervise."
"Blue! Get your greasy, pleather-clad paws off of him!" demanded Sydney, adjusting her red wig.
"Him? What? Red? You... wait!" she turned to Vaughn. "Who are you? Hold on... you're THE MAN, aren't you! Well, I've got a message for you." A sweeping right hook caught Vaughn in the nose. "Bastard."
"Owww!" cried Vaughn, clutching his clown nose. "Wait, why is there red jello coming out of this?"
[In a beachside bar, very very far away, Sark let out an eeeevil laugh before returning to sip his Sex on the Beach.]
Red... I mean, "Sydney" pulled out her gun and leveled it at Blue. "Get out of my house. You're ruining my daughter's birthday party."
"Red, we have unfinished business to attend to."
"Yeah, well, pizza will have to wait until next time." Sydney shot the red balloon and a pathetic little puddle of water spilled out. Despite the anti-climax, Blue sprinted for the door. "This isn't the end, Red!! You can't defeat me!"
"She's right, you know," said Vaughn after she was gone, stripping the clown suit down to his CIA boxers, "Blue is just one of your many alter-egos, so can't really kill her."
"Shut up. You know, you left a little bit of clown lipstick on your mouth."
"Where?"
"Right -- here..."
Outside, Jack thought he heard the sound of heavy breathing. "Okay kids, who wants a birthday sundae?"
14. Roberto Krusty (Vaughn) - death by mistaken identity.
and
36. Blue - death by Red Balloon.