Maybe I'm Just Ok
Last night I prayed to Rob. God, Rob... I must've made you go through hell. I was a little firecracker. Unable to control my anger, filled with overflowing pride, a girl who didn't have any true friends, a girl who had just broken up with her first girlfriend. Wonder sometimes what made him hang onto me? Was it cause my own parents didn't care anymore? Was it cause no matter how hard I fought... I found a way to calm down? I don't know. I haven't been feeling right since I left with Diana to Modesto. I was feeling more and more alone. And when Diana finally left to Guatamala... God I was so angry. I wonder what Rob would've said. Lol. He would've said that I was quick tempered child, which would've pissed me off even more. Lol. But since recently... I don't know. I suddenly feel content. My biological mom asked me why am I so alone. "Get a boyfriend." "Hang out with friends." What friends? Lol. Some friends are online and I don't very much want to suddenly tangle myself into a cyber world where I start believing that everything they say becomes a reality. My friends here... None of them actually like me. Lol. It's okay. I don't care much anymore. My parents... Little by little they start to understand that they are suppose to support me. And I don't much need someone. I don't want a girlfriend right now. And after Lance... I don't much want to date another guy right now either. I felt bad for the way I dumped Lance... Even though he deserved it. And after Anne... I don't much feel like taking another chance with a girl. Lol. Maybe I'm fixed but no longer interested in being with someone. I remember I told Rob that one of my greatest fears was to die alone... To be alone. Now... I'm not afraid anymore. If I die alone well its fine with me now. I don't much care. Lol. Maybe I was thinking about Shelby and Diana... The day I petted Diana to sleep while we were at Shelby's house... I've never seen someone look so beautiful and innocent. And the pain in my heart stopped for a moment. I remembered thinking that until a man took my place as her protector... I was very luck to have a friend like her. A friend I could talk to and not really have to hide the fact that hey I like shoes, and I like some girly things. A friend who wasn't afraid of me nor backed down from me even if I was pissed off. Diana is my special angel. She's a perfect friend. Then I remembered looking at Shelby's sleeping face too. I love my Shelby too. I remember when I meant her I thought she was so cute. And I took it upon myself to be a big sister to her. She's so nerdy and cool at the same time. And though we are awkward talking... I don't feel bad talking with her like I do with most people. How funny... Sometimes I still look at Shelby as a little sister. And sometimes I see her for what she really is... a young woman who hold as one of my treasures. She's my inperfect friend who I love just as equally as I love Diana. While I was praying to Rob... I realize that my darkening heart isn't as dark anymore... I feel happier. Calmer. Maybe it's because of Diana and Shelby... Who knows. But I feel calmer... and better. No longer like I'm suffering while I watch my precious Anne happy with someone else. Oh Anne... When you get married... Invite me. I'll go. I'll be happy for you. Maybe I got over you now because I see how much happier you are without me... Or maybe it's because we seem to lie to each other over and over. Or maybe because honestly we can never think the same of each other. It's ok. I'm not crying anymore. I'm completely over it. Hope you are happy with you boy or girl. I know I'm happy with both of mine. Even though they're just my friends. Lol. I'm living any guys fantasy! I have two girls! One on each arm! Lol. (Except they both torture me... T.T) Have a happy life everyone. I'm starting mine! <3