It's a small world after all
I think I took a wrong turn on the internet....... Couldn’t believe where I ended up....
Have you ever gotten really board and just felt like clicking your mouse on links a million times? Well I was doing this here in live journal until I came to this one person who seemed odly fermiler to me. I was in the user info page and I just skimmed something from it and I was like "ah oh".
The user said something about having brown and green eyes but then said its weird.
This person said that they loved being talked to, just post. Said "Im kind of weird but hey aren’t we all?"... then they said if I feel your harming me or my friends I have no qualms about getting violent... that took the cake. I only know ONE person who ever talked about fighting someone by saying "I have no qualms about getting violent"...
That was all the "woooo" part. Then the last thing they said about themselves was that they have a personal bubble, but they just put it away for certain people. Heh. I know that person...
Or should I say... I "knew" that person.
I read a few journal entries and the name was indeed what I thought it was... but just in case I had any doubts this person also had a brother... mentioned his name.... and the person i know has a brother by that name....
I found someone I haven’t spoken to in.... 3 years? Someone who at one time meant a great deal to me. Someone I laughed with...cried with... spoke intricately with, and just plane laughed with... I said that already didnt I? Well it deserved that comment because for some odd reason she found me funny. Then she was someone who broke my heart... then I was someone who broke hers...
after that... it gets really embarrassing and sad. I was quite the stupid boy. This girl liked me for a few months... and then she didnt. I threw away the friendship because I wanted something more. I got a chance to be her friend 2 times after that. And what did I do but put the moves on her again (what do you know, I have moves).
For the longest time I believed the reason why she and I stopped talking the last time was all her fault... or... her moms fault or something... She told me to call her and so I did..but when I called her she told me to never call her again. lol. So there ya have it, I never called her (or spoke to her) again (not that I havent come close to talking though). The real reason though was because of me. Let me start off by saying that I was a HUGELY misunderstood person. Still I admit it was my fault. But at the time I didnt see it the way I do now. I made her Christmas present with a song or something on it and I traced something she drew me along time before. I did it because I was genuinely excited that I was able to talk to an amazing person. But thinking back it was incredibly embarrassing. She saw it, thought I was in love with her again and... thats not what she wanted. She wanted a friend. I didn’t really get that for along time.
I got over her along time ago, which is probably why I now understand how stupid I was. I found someone who turned into my new best friend... the best friend I ever had. Someone who also wont love me! HAHAHAH! lol! Well this person taught me that men and woman can be friends. Every once in awhile the thought that I should try to talk to her popped into my head. I mean just to say hey every once in awhile I guess because I honestly dont think I could get anymore then that.
But I might be pushing it just saying hey. She and I had a bumpy past.. One full of a million great things... but a few really really really bad things...
(sigh) i never got to explain to her any of that stuff... never got to ask her about any of it... theres a million un resolved issues inside of me. Things that I will probably never get resolved because I brush away any opportunity to speak to her.
She and I used to email a LOT. I wrote her an email when I figured this stuff out. When I figured out "hey I was the stupid one" and I put in her email address... pressed send... and that email no longer existed. It was very hrad for me to just do that and it failed so I guess it was a sign or something.
But the oddest feeling befouled me this morning at school when I walked in. People were blocking my normal walk rout so I had to go between the tables and she was at the furthest table in the cafeteria sitting facing me. This had happened before but never like this because I think she was looking right at me. Not just looking but almost talking. Saying "Hi Chris, long time, how are you?" She looked sad. Very sad. If it had been any other person I even slightly knew I would have gone over there and talked to them but I sort of assume she wouldn’t possibly want to talk to me. Although I guess its un true. Or maybe it is. I mean she has the character of someone who wants to be friends but she also has a side that says "enough is enough". I know I deserve to get my head cut off...and shes capable of it. heh. She can kick my ass. heh. hmmm...reminds me of a time... Her brother hit her once while I was at her house and I grabbed him I think and looked really pissed off and she burst out laughing. heh. But I guess she never laughed with me like she did when her friend and her were singing "just the two of us" and being the little improviser that I am I jumped in with the LOWEST voice I could possibly get and sung "YOU AND I"... and they both fell to the floor laughing.
There were alot of good times. Saddens me though because of talk I occasionally hear... Like she regrets me or something. She has said some mean things about me I gather. Her ex boyfriend calling me suicide suhey... not to my face of course... hes your friend when your there with me, but will do anything to get a rise out of people and thus says the worst things behind your back. Something that he didnt know about...not really... He should have asked me about it and heard both sides... she has never even heard my side ya know?... ehhh... when I hear about that stuff it makes me feel like a horrible person. I don't believe I have ever put down her or any girl I ever liked before. I have no affiliation with her what so ever anymore but to this VERY DAY I get very upset at Robert whenever he says something bad about her and I elbow him. I remember being two seconds away from punching him out one time when she and I were still friends. I stopped talking to him for months.
Anyway, so I have just taken a trip down memory lane. And am faced with a question of do I try to talk to her? Make a comment in her journal?
She really did look so sad today. I was very close to taking my hand out of my coat and giving her a small wave. I honestly do wish for her happiness.
Hmmmm
I don't know if I have the strength to do such a thing anymore. I did it twice before and I was scared to death.
Guess for now I will do the one thing that hopefully cant get me into any trouble (YAY!!!!) and post that email here in my journal. Though i guess she wont ever see it eh? Oh well, just the fact that this message is out there is good.
------------
hmmmm, is it safe? hehe, I'm a such a little nerd. I love it. hehe.
Hi there Karen. At least I think its Karen... if not, then what are you doing reading this email???!!! Peeping Tom's!
Hi. Oh yeah I already said that. Oh yes, this is Chris. Yes... that Chris. hey, dont run away yet.:p
I wish to say that I am sorry. For always seeming to "go back". That was not fair or right to do. I guess we have not spoken in around two years or so. I think I believed it was your fault for awhile because I think you told me to call you and when I did, you said not to ever call again. So I thought it was your fault, but it wasn't. It was mine for changing back so many times. That cheesy poster thing. I read some emails we sent during that summer and I was the same way. I always kept trying to go back and ugh, I was very embarrassed to say the least. And I'm very sorry for that. You really did want to be my friend I can tell, but I ruined it. I don't expect you to want to be my friend anymore after all the times I screwed it up, I just wanted to say I "get" it. Ive gotten it for awhile but I just never could tell you till now. Looking back, if I could be proud of anything, it was our once friendship. We talked and talked didn't we? But I don't want to look back on it anymore. Tis good to remember occasionally, but the much more important thing is to charge on. (My words of wisdom for the day). Anyway, I hope you are well. I am doing purty good. hey, I was just about to shave. hehehehe. So of course im doing good, I only shave when I'm happy after all. :) Anyway.... In case we never meet again, i just wanted to say I got it. I know how much it can hurt thinking that your right, but the other person doesn't think that. just one big "argh". Speaking of arggs... Pirates of the Caribbean... damn good movie.... bye
Have you ever gotten really board and just felt like clicking your mouse on links a million times? Well I was doing this here in live journal until I came to this one person who seemed odly fermiler to me. I was in the user info page and I just skimmed something from it and I was like "ah oh".
The user said something about having brown and green eyes but then said its weird.
This person said that they loved being talked to, just post. Said "Im kind of weird but hey aren’t we all?"... then they said if I feel your harming me or my friends I have no qualms about getting violent... that took the cake. I only know ONE person who ever talked about fighting someone by saying "I have no qualms about getting violent"...
That was all the "woooo" part. Then the last thing they said about themselves was that they have a personal bubble, but they just put it away for certain people. Heh. I know that person...
Or should I say... I "knew" that person.
I read a few journal entries and the name was indeed what I thought it was... but just in case I had any doubts this person also had a brother... mentioned his name.... and the person i know has a brother by that name....
I found someone I haven’t spoken to in.... 3 years? Someone who at one time meant a great deal to me. Someone I laughed with...cried with... spoke intricately with, and just plane laughed with... I said that already didnt I? Well it deserved that comment because for some odd reason she found me funny. Then she was someone who broke my heart... then I was someone who broke hers...
after that... it gets really embarrassing and sad. I was quite the stupid boy. This girl liked me for a few months... and then she didnt. I threw away the friendship because I wanted something more. I got a chance to be her friend 2 times after that. And what did I do but put the moves on her again (what do you know, I have moves).
For the longest time I believed the reason why she and I stopped talking the last time was all her fault... or... her moms fault or something... She told me to call her and so I did..but when I called her she told me to never call her again. lol. So there ya have it, I never called her (or spoke to her) again (not that I havent come close to talking though). The real reason though was because of me. Let me start off by saying that I was a HUGELY misunderstood person. Still I admit it was my fault. But at the time I didnt see it the way I do now. I made her Christmas present with a song or something on it and I traced something she drew me along time before. I did it because I was genuinely excited that I was able to talk to an amazing person. But thinking back it was incredibly embarrassing. She saw it, thought I was in love with her again and... thats not what she wanted. She wanted a friend. I didn’t really get that for along time.
I got over her along time ago, which is probably why I now understand how stupid I was. I found someone who turned into my new best friend... the best friend I ever had. Someone who also wont love me! HAHAHAH! lol! Well this person taught me that men and woman can be friends. Every once in awhile the thought that I should try to talk to her popped into my head. I mean just to say hey every once in awhile I guess because I honestly dont think I could get anymore then that.
But I might be pushing it just saying hey. She and I had a bumpy past.. One full of a million great things... but a few really really really bad things...
(sigh) i never got to explain to her any of that stuff... never got to ask her about any of it... theres a million un resolved issues inside of me. Things that I will probably never get resolved because I brush away any opportunity to speak to her.
She and I used to email a LOT. I wrote her an email when I figured this stuff out. When I figured out "hey I was the stupid one" and I put in her email address... pressed send... and that email no longer existed. It was very hrad for me to just do that and it failed so I guess it was a sign or something.
But the oddest feeling befouled me this morning at school when I walked in. People were blocking my normal walk rout so I had to go between the tables and she was at the furthest table in the cafeteria sitting facing me. This had happened before but never like this because I think she was looking right at me. Not just looking but almost talking. Saying "Hi Chris, long time, how are you?" She looked sad. Very sad. If it had been any other person I even slightly knew I would have gone over there and talked to them but I sort of assume she wouldn’t possibly want to talk to me. Although I guess its un true. Or maybe it is. I mean she has the character of someone who wants to be friends but she also has a side that says "enough is enough". I know I deserve to get my head cut off...and shes capable of it. heh. She can kick my ass. heh. hmmm...reminds me of a time... Her brother hit her once while I was at her house and I grabbed him I think and looked really pissed off and she burst out laughing. heh. But I guess she never laughed with me like she did when her friend and her were singing "just the two of us" and being the little improviser that I am I jumped in with the LOWEST voice I could possibly get and sung "YOU AND I"... and they both fell to the floor laughing.
There were alot of good times. Saddens me though because of talk I occasionally hear... Like she regrets me or something. She has said some mean things about me I gather. Her ex boyfriend calling me suicide suhey... not to my face of course... hes your friend when your there with me, but will do anything to get a rise out of people and thus says the worst things behind your back. Something that he didnt know about...not really... He should have asked me about it and heard both sides... she has never even heard my side ya know?... ehhh... when I hear about that stuff it makes me feel like a horrible person. I don't believe I have ever put down her or any girl I ever liked before. I have no affiliation with her what so ever anymore but to this VERY DAY I get very upset at Robert whenever he says something bad about her and I elbow him. I remember being two seconds away from punching him out one time when she and I were still friends. I stopped talking to him for months.
Anyway, so I have just taken a trip down memory lane. And am faced with a question of do I try to talk to her? Make a comment in her journal?
She really did look so sad today. I was very close to taking my hand out of my coat and giving her a small wave. I honestly do wish for her happiness.
Hmmmm
I don't know if I have the strength to do such a thing anymore. I did it twice before and I was scared to death.
Guess for now I will do the one thing that hopefully cant get me into any trouble (YAY!!!!) and post that email here in my journal. Though i guess she wont ever see it eh? Oh well, just the fact that this message is out there is good.
------------
hmmmm, is it safe? hehe, I'm a such a little nerd. I love it. hehe.
Hi there Karen. At least I think its Karen... if not, then what are you doing reading this email???!!! Peeping Tom's!
Hi. Oh yeah I already said that. Oh yes, this is Chris. Yes... that Chris. hey, dont run away yet.:p
I wish to say that I am sorry. For always seeming to "go back". That was not fair or right to do. I guess we have not spoken in around two years or so. I think I believed it was your fault for awhile because I think you told me to call you and when I did, you said not to ever call again. So I thought it was your fault, but it wasn't. It was mine for changing back so many times. That cheesy poster thing. I read some emails we sent during that summer and I was the same way. I always kept trying to go back and ugh, I was very embarrassed to say the least. And I'm very sorry for that. You really did want to be my friend I can tell, but I ruined it. I don't expect you to want to be my friend anymore after all the times I screwed it up, I just wanted to say I "get" it. Ive gotten it for awhile but I just never could tell you till now. Looking back, if I could be proud of anything, it was our once friendship. We talked and talked didn't we? But I don't want to look back on it anymore. Tis good to remember occasionally, but the much more important thing is to charge on. (My words of wisdom for the day). Anyway, I hope you are well. I am doing purty good. hey, I was just about to shave. hehehehe. So of course im doing good, I only shave when I'm happy after all. :) Anyway.... In case we never meet again, i just wanted to say I got it. I know how much it can hurt thinking that your right, but the other person doesn't think that. just one big "argh". Speaking of arggs... Pirates of the Caribbean... damn good movie.... bye