(no subject)
Wow, I have been reading my journal. Way back in 2007. I had actually forgotten about how happy I really used to be.. I remember being happy of course, but reading it just made me feel it again. It made me cry. I couldnt remember the last horse I got on, or why EXACTLY I stopped going to the track. So much of my past has become a haze, so strongly overpowered by the deep anguish and anxiety I battle each day now.
So many awful things have gone down with felipe, I just could barely remember the happy first couple years with him. And it relieved some of my rage about why I put up with tbe bad times for long. I just never wanted to give up on it, my early time with him was the happiest time in my entire life and I just wanted to hold on and mabe get it back...
That last horse that dropped me, when I hurt my shoulder was my last horse..I never got back on. Now I remember, my shoulder took forever to heal and by that time I was so out of shape it was like starting over, I guess I just felt like I had given it my all but I just couldnt ever get strong enough to hold those horses...plus, I had to be working, felipe had gotten hurt and out for a couple months. I was working so much that I felt like I couldnt do all the exercise I needed and still work too..I had already gone a year or more with no income and I simply just had to make that choice. Make money or do exercise..
The hours and hours of intense exercise was something I truly loved but it left me too sore and exhausted, dedicating yourself to becoming a jockey was full time, not something I can do while working too. Damn. 2008 I didnt read into but I know thats when everything started to fall apart, when I was wanting to move back home, when my mom started acting like a complete bitch every time I was home, I had the distinct impression she knew I wanted to come back, but she didnt want that, she wanted sydney and me being around interfered with HER being sydneys mom. I began to build this rage...mostly that one subject...my mom and sydney...they both were acting like I was extra, in the way. I was making.......
No Im not going there...not going to even hash it up... Felipe and our problems were secondary, in the fact that I had started waking up crying every morning over this mom sydney crap, he used to get sick of it and be mean about it and I just thought he was such a bastard for always being so mean to me when I was already hurting so badly.
Plus I had started smoking again since I wasnt riding and felipe was such a dick to me if he ever tbought I was smoking and I was always hiding it from him..... Just caused everything to fall apart.
I loved him so much at one time. It was nice to read, nice to remember..it was even somewhat soothing to refresh my memory a bit about everything that happened.
I notice that there are alot of long periods where I didnt update. I wish I had, it would really help me remember and figure things out.
Im tired...going to bed, feeling a little soothed...
Talked to my brother for a while today, that really perked me up, hes going through a divorce right now and is showing amazing strength of character. Kind of inspires me to try to handle things a little better..
I called him beacause I just needed to talk, I was frustrated about not being able to focus while drawing, my drawing was looking like shit and I knew it wasnt a matter of rusty technique, it was completely my mental issues driving me crazy.
Here are my two drawings side by side, obvious which one was while I couldnt get my brain to function, its all wrong, eyes looking in wrong direction and just wrong all together.. nose to far from eyes, head shape off, jaw just wrong, fur awful....ack!!! So bad I just started over completely....after talking with my brother, I was feeling better and able to focus on detail...I love drawing....: )
Now Im going to finish detailing the head then start on the body, she will be all coiled with hackles raised, ready to rip your ass up....mm cant wait to get to it tomorrow.
This is me drawing RAGE!!
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