Leaving Home:
I don't think I was even this upset when I left after Christmas break, or when I left for school for the first time.
I went over to visit Hilary after giving Samantha back to Susanna. We had a good time together, but when it finally came time for her to go to school, I didn't want to see her go. She gave me a big brown teddy bear named Carl - unless I feel like changing it's name. I gave her a big hug and we kissed goodbye as she got into her car. As I was walking home from her house, she drove by on her way to school. I waved bye as she drove past me. She pulled up to the stop sign and paused. She turned off the turn signal. I went running up to her car to find her head in her hands, and her eyes full of tears. I stood for a moment, a little stunned as my own emotions did a complete 180. I pulled at the door handle, but it refused to open for me. Hilary opened the door, as I leaned in to give her another hug. I gave her another kiss, and another hug, and without a word, we said goodbye. I still have the segment of the song that was playing stuck in my head and I feel all choked up. I just want to cry. The goodbye with Suz was very brief, so there wasn't really any chance to get emotional. I'm going to miss them both so much! I don't want to go back to San Diego!
Hilary told me something while I was crying over Susanna. I just kept thinking to myself I want to go home, but lately I have been faced with a little bit of a dilemma. After going to college, everything I really own is in San Diego. When I come back to Cupertino, I come back to a big, empty room. The void of this room seems to echo what I feel about my self. I exist, but without any substance; hollow and lacking anything that's interesting or comfortable. So San Diego isn't home. There's too much I hate about there, the fact that it's so damn manufactured and artificial (including many of the people). Here, my home just doesn't feel the same any more. It's like it has just become a place where we put our stuff. So in San Diego when I felt awful and just wanted to die, all I could think about was how much I wanted to go home. When I was upset over Susanna, I found myself thinking (and saying) the same thing. I explained to Hilary how I felt, how I just don't feel like I have a home anymore. She asked: "So when was the last time you felt comfortable?" The first time I felt comfortable since I moved came to mind: Susanna had left for something, Hilary and I went to my house. My blanket was lying on the couch and we both collapsed into it, and then to the floor. I wasn't really tired, but it felt like lying down in your own bed after not getting any sleep for almost an entire weekend. I remember telling Hilary how odd it was that that moment was so comfortable, especially since it hadn't even been an hour since I met her! So the answer to Hilary's question is that I've really only felt comfortable when I've been around her and Susanna (although at the time, I was really upset about Suz). She told me something that really made a difference to me: "So maybe that is home for you; with good friends."
Now I'm leaving them, and it's the worst feeling in the entire universe. I wasn't even this sad when my ex locked herself in her room and refused to see or talk to me when I spent 5 hours making her most favorite dish and tea in the entire world, and drove it over with a pair of care bear pajamas that I knew she'd love, proclaiming that I did not respect her. I did not respect her wishes [to not see or talk to me while we were both home for break].
I'm going to miss them so much!
I went over to visit Hilary after giving Samantha back to Susanna. We had a good time together, but when it finally came time for her to go to school, I didn't want to see her go. She gave me a big brown teddy bear named Carl - unless I feel like changing it's name. I gave her a big hug and we kissed goodbye as she got into her car. As I was walking home from her house, she drove by on her way to school. I waved bye as she drove past me. She pulled up to the stop sign and paused. She turned off the turn signal. I went running up to her car to find her head in her hands, and her eyes full of tears. I stood for a moment, a little stunned as my own emotions did a complete 180. I pulled at the door handle, but it refused to open for me. Hilary opened the door, as I leaned in to give her another hug. I gave her another kiss, and another hug, and without a word, we said goodbye. I still have the segment of the song that was playing stuck in my head and I feel all choked up. I just want to cry. The goodbye with Suz was very brief, so there wasn't really any chance to get emotional. I'm going to miss them both so much! I don't want to go back to San Diego!
Hilary told me something while I was crying over Susanna. I just kept thinking to myself I want to go home, but lately I have been faced with a little bit of a dilemma. After going to college, everything I really own is in San Diego. When I come back to Cupertino, I come back to a big, empty room. The void of this room seems to echo what I feel about my self. I exist, but without any substance; hollow and lacking anything that's interesting or comfortable. So San Diego isn't home. There's too much I hate about there, the fact that it's so damn manufactured and artificial (including many of the people). Here, my home just doesn't feel the same any more. It's like it has just become a place where we put our stuff. So in San Diego when I felt awful and just wanted to die, all I could think about was how much I wanted to go home. When I was upset over Susanna, I found myself thinking (and saying) the same thing. I explained to Hilary how I felt, how I just don't feel like I have a home anymore. She asked: "So when was the last time you felt comfortable?" The first time I felt comfortable since I moved came to mind: Susanna had left for something, Hilary and I went to my house. My blanket was lying on the couch and we both collapsed into it, and then to the floor. I wasn't really tired, but it felt like lying down in your own bed after not getting any sleep for almost an entire weekend. I remember telling Hilary how odd it was that that moment was so comfortable, especially since it hadn't even been an hour since I met her! So the answer to Hilary's question is that I've really only felt comfortable when I've been around her and Susanna (although at the time, I was really upset about Suz). She told me something that really made a difference to me: "So maybe that is home for you; with good friends."
Now I'm leaving them, and it's the worst feeling in the entire universe. I wasn't even this sad when my ex locked herself in her room and refused to see or talk to me when I spent 5 hours making her most favorite dish and tea in the entire world, and drove it over with a pair of care bear pajamas that I knew she'd love, proclaiming that I did not respect her. I did not respect her wishes [to not see or talk to me while we were both home for break].
I'm going to miss them so much!