so I can be deeper...but this has been my thought process for a long time
This is a conversation with my friend Jamie...me spilling my heart out...I don't expect anyone to understand..and I hate myself for thinking this way..but here it is..my soul..on a plate....
NatesArtist: hey hey
nanogirl333: hi
NatesArtist: how was your weekend?
NatesArtist: any better?
NatesArtist: figure anything out?
nanogirl333: it was ok
nanogirl333: not really
nanogirl333: still in the figuringout process
nanogirl333: he's pathetic when I'm like this
nanogirl333: it's like he's so naked he just puts everything out there
nanogirl333: and I'm such a bitch I just put up a wall and give him every defense I have to push him away
nanogirl333: and he just won't take it
nanogirl333: I didn't shed a tear
nanogirl333: until I left for school and the second a song came on I bawled my eyes out
nanogirl333: for like 40 minutes
nanogirl333: hating myself..hating the fact that I can't just settle for him
nanogirl333: that I can't just be blind to everything I was before and be madly in love with him..that I have to obsess so much over all his flaws
nanogirl333: so mad at myself that I just want to feel the old feelings of first dates and first kisses and love all over again..and that this amazing wonderful awesome thing I have with him isn't good enough for me
nanogirl333: so mad at myself for taking it for granted and not being able to be 100% committed to the future like I used to be
NatesArtist: honey, if you can't love him because of his flaws, then you don't love him at all
nanogirl333: because on the way back I just thought about how it would be to be with other people and then I would just breakdown because I would think..holy shit..this kid..this love of my life..knows everything about me...more than I'll ever know about myself...so how the hell could Ilet this go
nanogirl333: and I don't know because everyday I feel different and everyday I feel the same
nanogirl333: I feel like I've grown out of it but I can't let it go because it's all I know...and it's all I have ever been...and it's the scariest thing in the world being alone and I don't think I'm strong enough to lose him
nanogirl333: because part of me doesn't...part of me wants to wake up and feel all those amazing feelings I felt before all this shit..and go on with it and have a future and babies and everything...but part of me wants to see what is out there
NatesArtist: any girl is strong enough to lose a guy
NatesArtist: do you think you'll be happier alone?
nanogirl333: I'm not happy wherever I am
NatesArtist: the idea of being alon my sacre you...it scared me when Nate left, but I knew that I had to pick myself up and shove myself through it
NatesArtist: and it really showed me how much strength i had, and i learned alot about myself, well english class helped too
nanogirl333: lol
nanogirl333: yeah
nanogirl333: but I just don't understand what I'm feeling
NatesArtist: well maybe writting about it or thinking out loud to a friend will help you figure it out
nanogirl333: do you think I'm selfish
NatesArtist: no why?
nanogirl333: I feel it
NatesArtist: why tho?
nanogirl333: I feel like I should just let him go because I'm so indecisive and am hurting him and really shouldn't be thinking these things..and how it's not fair to him..he said himself he wants to be with someone that feels the same way...so he means the world to them too
nanogirl333: I just don't understand how he can know I'm the one he wants to be with forever
nanogirl333: I'm so bitchy to him sometimes...
nanogirl333: I know that it's because he loves me so much
nanogirl333: I feel so shallow that my love can't be that much..I mean don't get me wrong..you know how much I love him...I really really do...but sometimes he amazes me with how much love he has for me
NatesArtist: honey i have moments like that all the time
nanogirl333: isn't it scary as Hell
nanogirl333: one of my friends said...if you have this many problems now just think of how worse it would be when you get married..because he feels like Dustin needs to mature a lot and there's nothing I can do to help
NatesArtist: no it makes me see that im really really lucky to have him in my life, and it makes me feel like im actually worth something
nanogirl333: yeah..me too..but I just feel like I wish he had the same
NatesArtist: yeah
NatesArtist: your freind is right tho
NatesArtist: if you two get married you'll have so many more problems
nanogirl333: I know
NatesArtist: and you cant make him grow up, so maybe letting him go will make him see and he'll grow up on his own
NatesArtist: he probably wont grow up at first, it'll take some time, but have you ever heard the saying if you love something, let it go, if it comes back then you know its really oyurs
NatesArtist: *yours
nanogirl333: yes of course...I just think we've already had that chance once
NatesArtist: so maybe a fresh start is what you need
nanogirl333: I'm afriad to let him go..because I'm afriad...much later on of course...I'd fall in love again...and that's scary
NatesArtist: well it'll be hard, but you can't be affraid of it
nanogirl333: yes I can
nanogirl333: lol
nanogirl333: because if I fall in love with someone else I can't be with dustin forever
nanogirl333: and that was always the plan
NatesArtist: hun, look at me, my plan is to be w/ Nate for the rest of my life, but I have to accept the fact that he might not come home, and i cant see spending the rest of my life alone, I need someone to love me, i need to know that im worth something, that i mean something, that i am something
nanogirl333: scary
NatesArtist: i know
NatesArtist: i feel bad cuz im preaching to you and i havent even accepted the fact
NatesArtist: i cant see the rest of my life without nate
nanogirl333: I don't think that's something you accept
NatesArtist: it is
nanogirl333: I think it's something you never see happening but if it did you would make it through
NatesArtist: hun im gonna tell you right now, he is my soulmate, my better half, my baby, my world, my life, my everything, we have been through so much together i just cant see us not making it out together
NatesArtist: and if i lose him, i will die
.....and her soul too
Signed,
My Soul
NatesArtist: hey hey
nanogirl333: hi
NatesArtist: how was your weekend?
NatesArtist: any better?
NatesArtist: figure anything out?
nanogirl333: it was ok
nanogirl333: not really
nanogirl333: still in the figuringout process
nanogirl333: he's pathetic when I'm like this
nanogirl333: it's like he's so naked he just puts everything out there
nanogirl333: and I'm such a bitch I just put up a wall and give him every defense I have to push him away
nanogirl333: and he just won't take it
nanogirl333: I didn't shed a tear
nanogirl333: until I left for school and the second a song came on I bawled my eyes out
nanogirl333: for like 40 minutes
nanogirl333: hating myself..hating the fact that I can't just settle for him
nanogirl333: that I can't just be blind to everything I was before and be madly in love with him..that I have to obsess so much over all his flaws
nanogirl333: so mad at myself that I just want to feel the old feelings of first dates and first kisses and love all over again..and that this amazing wonderful awesome thing I have with him isn't good enough for me
nanogirl333: so mad at myself for taking it for granted and not being able to be 100% committed to the future like I used to be
NatesArtist: honey, if you can't love him because of his flaws, then you don't love him at all
nanogirl333: because on the way back I just thought about how it would be to be with other people and then I would just breakdown because I would think..holy shit..this kid..this love of my life..knows everything about me...more than I'll ever know about myself...so how the hell could Ilet this go
nanogirl333: and I don't know because everyday I feel different and everyday I feel the same
nanogirl333: I feel like I've grown out of it but I can't let it go because it's all I know...and it's all I have ever been...and it's the scariest thing in the world being alone and I don't think I'm strong enough to lose him
nanogirl333: because part of me doesn't...part of me wants to wake up and feel all those amazing feelings I felt before all this shit..and go on with it and have a future and babies and everything...but part of me wants to see what is out there
NatesArtist: any girl is strong enough to lose a guy
NatesArtist: do you think you'll be happier alone?
nanogirl333: I'm not happy wherever I am
NatesArtist: the idea of being alon my sacre you...it scared me when Nate left, but I knew that I had to pick myself up and shove myself through it
NatesArtist: and it really showed me how much strength i had, and i learned alot about myself, well english class helped too
nanogirl333: lol
nanogirl333: yeah
nanogirl333: but I just don't understand what I'm feeling
NatesArtist: well maybe writting about it or thinking out loud to a friend will help you figure it out
nanogirl333: do you think I'm selfish
NatesArtist: no why?
nanogirl333: I feel it
NatesArtist: why tho?
nanogirl333: I feel like I should just let him go because I'm so indecisive and am hurting him and really shouldn't be thinking these things..and how it's not fair to him..he said himself he wants to be with someone that feels the same way...so he means the world to them too
nanogirl333: I just don't understand how he can know I'm the one he wants to be with forever
nanogirl333: I'm so bitchy to him sometimes...
nanogirl333: I know that it's because he loves me so much
nanogirl333: I feel so shallow that my love can't be that much..I mean don't get me wrong..you know how much I love him...I really really do...but sometimes he amazes me with how much love he has for me
NatesArtist: honey i have moments like that all the time
nanogirl333: isn't it scary as Hell
nanogirl333: one of my friends said...if you have this many problems now just think of how worse it would be when you get married..because he feels like Dustin needs to mature a lot and there's nothing I can do to help
NatesArtist: no it makes me see that im really really lucky to have him in my life, and it makes me feel like im actually worth something
nanogirl333: yeah..me too..but I just feel like I wish he had the same
NatesArtist: yeah
NatesArtist: your freind is right tho
NatesArtist: if you two get married you'll have so many more problems
nanogirl333: I know
NatesArtist: and you cant make him grow up, so maybe letting him go will make him see and he'll grow up on his own
NatesArtist: he probably wont grow up at first, it'll take some time, but have you ever heard the saying if you love something, let it go, if it comes back then you know its really oyurs
NatesArtist: *yours
nanogirl333: yes of course...I just think we've already had that chance once
NatesArtist: so maybe a fresh start is what you need
nanogirl333: I'm afriad to let him go..because I'm afriad...much later on of course...I'd fall in love again...and that's scary
NatesArtist: well it'll be hard, but you can't be affraid of it
nanogirl333: yes I can
nanogirl333: lol
nanogirl333: because if I fall in love with someone else I can't be with dustin forever
nanogirl333: and that was always the plan
NatesArtist: hun, look at me, my plan is to be w/ Nate for the rest of my life, but I have to accept the fact that he might not come home, and i cant see spending the rest of my life alone, I need someone to love me, i need to know that im worth something, that i mean something, that i am something
nanogirl333: scary
NatesArtist: i know
NatesArtist: i feel bad cuz im preaching to you and i havent even accepted the fact
NatesArtist: i cant see the rest of my life without nate
nanogirl333: I don't think that's something you accept
NatesArtist: it is
nanogirl333: I think it's something you never see happening but if it did you would make it through
NatesArtist: hun im gonna tell you right now, he is my soulmate, my better half, my baby, my world, my life, my everything, we have been through so much together i just cant see us not making it out together
NatesArtist: and if i lose him, i will die
.....and her soul too
Signed,
My Soul